You know... I remember growing up as a Christian, hearing the words, "when the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future." I always thought it was for the "heathens" who didn't grow up in church. It was for the "sinners" who had a bad past... drugs, alcohol, sex, that kind of stuff. I never thought it could ever mean ME. Just when I think I've left the past behind, it sneaks up behind me and begins to haunt me again. I see pictures of person from my past, or their names, something of that nature, and it all comes back to me, the pain as fresh as the day it happened. The shame of the past could not be more real. It's funny how it sneaks up on you when you're having a seemingly good day. And all of a sudden I find myself praying, "God help me to leave the past in the past." I thought those wounds were healed, nothing but scars. Apparently they were just scabbed over. Makes me wonder if they'll always be there, ready to fester at a moment's notice. :( What an unexpected blow!
When you've spent your entire life within the IC (institution of church), you think you don't have a past. But when you come out of the IC, you find out all too well that your past is just as bad, if not worse than those who did not grow up in the IC. The deepest wounds ever issued were by the IC. My family experienced deep wounds about 10 years ago. I know my dad never recovered. He's still bitter and angry and will probably never forgive. But mom and I... I thought we had moved on. We've interacted with those who hurt us. We forgave them. So why does it still hurt? I thought I had healed. But apparently not if it suddenly causes me anxiety and shame.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A Choice To Love
Many times in my past, I have made a decision to love. Let me explain this so that it makes sense. I don't mean that I took the high road and chose to love someone despite all odds. I wish. I made decisions to love men. I would date someone and be so desperate to love and be loved, that I would ignore the fact that I did not FEEL love for them. I was not in love. Yet I would make a decision to love them and hope that the emotions would follow. I've done this many times. And because I made the choice to love, I came to truly love these men. No, the emotional, warm fuzzy feelings never followed. I had a deep love for these men. I treasured them and sought their good. I ignored their shortcomings and just loved them. It was a choice, a decision I made. Granted, each relationship ended. But I do not look back with regret for loving these men. I believe God taught me something out of those relationships and I'm just now figuring out what it was.
Here's my confession: I am not a loving person. At least not a love-everybody person. In fact, I find it very difficult to love people. I find it harder to LIKE people. Yes, I have a soft heart. But I keep it buried beneath layers of callouses. I protect it at the detriment of loving and being loved. I'm highly skeptical of people. I learned a long time ago that the best defense is a good offense. I have learned how to be highly offensive (take that in whatever way you choose and you're probably right). So the concept of "love your neighbor" is elusive to me. I find it very difficult to love those whom are not loving to me. The ability to bless those who curse me... yeah, that ain't happening. I've always been bothered by the fact that I'm abrasive. I've always had that scripture nagging at me, "you will know them by their fruits." Ugh. My fruits are covered in thorns.
The other night, I had a bit of a revelation, I guess you could call it. I was reading a book and saw this line, "Friendship is a choice, love is not." I thought about that for a bit. I thought about men in my past saying, "you can't help who you love." I realized that I disagree. You can't help whom you fall in love with; but you can choose who you love. I know that from experience. I got to thinking, maybe I AM capable of loving others after all. I've made decisions to love in the past. Because I made a decision to love, I came to love those individuals. That is different from being IN LOVE. To love others means to seek out their best. It means that I look past their shortcomings and search for their hearts. It means that I am kind to them, despite how they treat me. (I once was in a relationship in which I made a decision to love, and made a commitment to marry a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. If I can love him, I can love anyone!) So I got to thinking... I need to make a decision, a concrete, firm decision to Love the people in my life. It's not going to be easy, that's for sure. I wonder how I can trick my mind into making that decision? It was easy when it was a man whom I wanted love and affection from. But what about the women I work with? What about the children that I absolutely can't stand because they're such brats? What about the people who spitefully use me? It's not going to be easy. I wonder if it can be done. Surely it can. So I guess that's my goal: to make a decision to love each individual who comes across my path.
Here's my confession: I am not a loving person. At least not a love-everybody person. In fact, I find it very difficult to love people. I find it harder to LIKE people. Yes, I have a soft heart. But I keep it buried beneath layers of callouses. I protect it at the detriment of loving and being loved. I'm highly skeptical of people. I learned a long time ago that the best defense is a good offense. I have learned how to be highly offensive (take that in whatever way you choose and you're probably right). So the concept of "love your neighbor" is elusive to me. I find it very difficult to love those whom are not loving to me. The ability to bless those who curse me... yeah, that ain't happening. I've always been bothered by the fact that I'm abrasive. I've always had that scripture nagging at me, "you will know them by their fruits." Ugh. My fruits are covered in thorns.
The other night, I had a bit of a revelation, I guess you could call it. I was reading a book and saw this line, "Friendship is a choice, love is not." I thought about that for a bit. I thought about men in my past saying, "you can't help who you love." I realized that I disagree. You can't help whom you fall in love with; but you can choose who you love. I know that from experience. I got to thinking, maybe I AM capable of loving others after all. I've made decisions to love in the past. Because I made a decision to love, I came to love those individuals. That is different from being IN LOVE. To love others means to seek out their best. It means that I look past their shortcomings and search for their hearts. It means that I am kind to them, despite how they treat me. (I once was in a relationship in which I made a decision to love, and made a commitment to marry a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. If I can love him, I can love anyone!) So I got to thinking... I need to make a decision, a concrete, firm decision to Love the people in my life. It's not going to be easy, that's for sure. I wonder how I can trick my mind into making that decision? It was easy when it was a man whom I wanted love and affection from. But what about the women I work with? What about the children that I absolutely can't stand because they're such brats? What about the people who spitefully use me? It's not going to be easy. I wonder if it can be done. Surely it can. So I guess that's my goal: to make a decision to love each individual who comes across my path.
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