You know... I remember growing up as a Christian, hearing the words, "when the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future." I always thought it was for the "heathens" who didn't grow up in church. It was for the "sinners" who had a bad past... drugs, alcohol, sex, that kind of stuff. I never thought it could ever mean ME. Just when I think I've left the past behind, it sneaks up behind me and begins to haunt me again. I see pictures of person from my past, or their names, something of that nature, and it all comes back to me, the pain as fresh as the day it happened. The shame of the past could not be more real. It's funny how it sneaks up on you when you're having a seemingly good day. And all of a sudden I find myself praying, "God help me to leave the past in the past." I thought those wounds were healed, nothing but scars. Apparently they were just scabbed over. Makes me wonder if they'll always be there, ready to fester at a moment's notice. :( What an unexpected blow!
When you've spent your entire life within the IC (institution of church), you think you don't have a past. But when you come out of the IC, you find out all too well that your past is just as bad, if not worse than those who did not grow up in the IC. The deepest wounds ever issued were by the IC. My family experienced deep wounds about 10 years ago. I know my dad never recovered. He's still bitter and angry and will probably never forgive. But mom and I... I thought we had moved on. We've interacted with those who hurt us. We forgave them. So why does it still hurt? I thought I had healed. But apparently not if it suddenly causes me anxiety and shame.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A Choice To Love
Many times in my past, I have made a decision to love. Let me explain this so that it makes sense. I don't mean that I took the high road and chose to love someone despite all odds. I wish. I made decisions to love men. I would date someone and be so desperate to love and be loved, that I would ignore the fact that I did not FEEL love for them. I was not in love. Yet I would make a decision to love them and hope that the emotions would follow. I've done this many times. And because I made the choice to love, I came to truly love these men. No, the emotional, warm fuzzy feelings never followed. I had a deep love for these men. I treasured them and sought their good. I ignored their shortcomings and just loved them. It was a choice, a decision I made. Granted, each relationship ended. But I do not look back with regret for loving these men. I believe God taught me something out of those relationships and I'm just now figuring out what it was.
Here's my confession: I am not a loving person. At least not a love-everybody person. In fact, I find it very difficult to love people. I find it harder to LIKE people. Yes, I have a soft heart. But I keep it buried beneath layers of callouses. I protect it at the detriment of loving and being loved. I'm highly skeptical of people. I learned a long time ago that the best defense is a good offense. I have learned how to be highly offensive (take that in whatever way you choose and you're probably right). So the concept of "love your neighbor" is elusive to me. I find it very difficult to love those whom are not loving to me. The ability to bless those who curse me... yeah, that ain't happening. I've always been bothered by the fact that I'm abrasive. I've always had that scripture nagging at me, "you will know them by their fruits." Ugh. My fruits are covered in thorns.
The other night, I had a bit of a revelation, I guess you could call it. I was reading a book and saw this line, "Friendship is a choice, love is not." I thought about that for a bit. I thought about men in my past saying, "you can't help who you love." I realized that I disagree. You can't help whom you fall in love with; but you can choose who you love. I know that from experience. I got to thinking, maybe I AM capable of loving others after all. I've made decisions to love in the past. Because I made a decision to love, I came to love those individuals. That is different from being IN LOVE. To love others means to seek out their best. It means that I look past their shortcomings and search for their hearts. It means that I am kind to them, despite how they treat me. (I once was in a relationship in which I made a decision to love, and made a commitment to marry a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. If I can love him, I can love anyone!) So I got to thinking... I need to make a decision, a concrete, firm decision to Love the people in my life. It's not going to be easy, that's for sure. I wonder how I can trick my mind into making that decision? It was easy when it was a man whom I wanted love and affection from. But what about the women I work with? What about the children that I absolutely can't stand because they're such brats? What about the people who spitefully use me? It's not going to be easy. I wonder if it can be done. Surely it can. So I guess that's my goal: to make a decision to love each individual who comes across my path.
Here's my confession: I am not a loving person. At least not a love-everybody person. In fact, I find it very difficult to love people. I find it harder to LIKE people. Yes, I have a soft heart. But I keep it buried beneath layers of callouses. I protect it at the detriment of loving and being loved. I'm highly skeptical of people. I learned a long time ago that the best defense is a good offense. I have learned how to be highly offensive (take that in whatever way you choose and you're probably right). So the concept of "love your neighbor" is elusive to me. I find it very difficult to love those whom are not loving to me. The ability to bless those who curse me... yeah, that ain't happening. I've always been bothered by the fact that I'm abrasive. I've always had that scripture nagging at me, "you will know them by their fruits." Ugh. My fruits are covered in thorns.
The other night, I had a bit of a revelation, I guess you could call it. I was reading a book and saw this line, "Friendship is a choice, love is not." I thought about that for a bit. I thought about men in my past saying, "you can't help who you love." I realized that I disagree. You can't help whom you fall in love with; but you can choose who you love. I know that from experience. I got to thinking, maybe I AM capable of loving others after all. I've made decisions to love in the past. Because I made a decision to love, I came to love those individuals. That is different from being IN LOVE. To love others means to seek out their best. It means that I look past their shortcomings and search for their hearts. It means that I am kind to them, despite how they treat me. (I once was in a relationship in which I made a decision to love, and made a commitment to marry a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. If I can love him, I can love anyone!) So I got to thinking... I need to make a decision, a concrete, firm decision to Love the people in my life. It's not going to be easy, that's for sure. I wonder how I can trick my mind into making that decision? It was easy when it was a man whom I wanted love and affection from. But what about the women I work with? What about the children that I absolutely can't stand because they're such brats? What about the people who spitefully use me? It's not going to be easy. I wonder if it can be done. Surely it can. So I guess that's my goal: to make a decision to love each individual who comes across my path.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
How do you deal?
Those of you who have walked away from the IC... when someone throws Hebrews 10:25 in your face, how do you calmly deal with the situation? It's all I can do not to call them idiots and morons and explain that it doesn't say you have to go to church. It calls for fellowship. But they're typically too dense to get that anyway. So how do YOU deal with it?
Friday, July 27, 2012
Waiting for My Beloved
As promised, here's the story about my wait for my Beloved:
I guess I should back up to BEFORE the promise, the little known part of the story that is often forgotten. When I was 14 years old, I was living in Gilchrist, TX (on the Bolivar Peninsula between Galveston and Beaumont). I attended church on the "mainland" in a town called Winnie. I had amazing youth pastors, Steve and Cheri. Cheri shared with us girls about how she had a list of things she wanted in her future husband. She kept the list in her Bible and God answered everything on the list when he gave her Steve. I decided to write a list as well.
Fast forward 3 years. I was living in Konawa, OK. The summer before my senior year of high school, I was spending the summer on campus at ECU for Upward Bound. I spent a LOT of time asking God about my future husband. He was gracious enough to speak to me on the matter. June 24, 2002, God made me a promise that I'll never forget. He said, "I'm giving you a "David" character." I began studying the character of David in the Bible, and I absolutely fell in love. The name David means, "Beloved." That night, I wrote my first Beloved Letter. I didn't know I would have to wait so long for what God promised me. I figured in a matter of a couple of years, I would have him in my life.
It has now been 10 years. It has been a very difficult journey of crying, begging, pleading with God for my Beloved. I have believed with everything in me; I have given up; I have grown numb; and I've been beyond excited. As it is now, I have all but given up. I'm rather numb and don't really get excited about it anymore. I've pretty well lost faith that it will happen any time soon. I still write my Beloved letters. I now have 4 volumes of collections of letters. I can't even count how many letters there actually are. Well over 100, for sure.
A little side note that I forgot to mention: In 2007, mom and I (at separate times) had visions of my Beloved. I know generally what he looks like and I know his character. It drives me insane when I see someone that looks a bit like him and even has some of his traits. It's quite the temptation, but it REALLY sucks when they're not interested. I don't know how many times a day I ask, "God please. When?!"
So yeah... that's the short story. :)
I guess I should back up to BEFORE the promise, the little known part of the story that is often forgotten. When I was 14 years old, I was living in Gilchrist, TX (on the Bolivar Peninsula between Galveston and Beaumont). I attended church on the "mainland" in a town called Winnie. I had amazing youth pastors, Steve and Cheri. Cheri shared with us girls about how she had a list of things she wanted in her future husband. She kept the list in her Bible and God answered everything on the list when he gave her Steve. I decided to write a list as well.
Fast forward 3 years. I was living in Konawa, OK. The summer before my senior year of high school, I was spending the summer on campus at ECU for Upward Bound. I spent a LOT of time asking God about my future husband. He was gracious enough to speak to me on the matter. June 24, 2002, God made me a promise that I'll never forget. He said, "I'm giving you a "David" character." I began studying the character of David in the Bible, and I absolutely fell in love. The name David means, "Beloved." That night, I wrote my first Beloved Letter. I didn't know I would have to wait so long for what God promised me. I figured in a matter of a couple of years, I would have him in my life.
It has now been 10 years. It has been a very difficult journey of crying, begging, pleading with God for my Beloved. I have believed with everything in me; I have given up; I have grown numb; and I've been beyond excited. As it is now, I have all but given up. I'm rather numb and don't really get excited about it anymore. I've pretty well lost faith that it will happen any time soon. I still write my Beloved letters. I now have 4 volumes of collections of letters. I can't even count how many letters there actually are. Well over 100, for sure.
A little side note that I forgot to mention: In 2007, mom and I (at separate times) had visions of my Beloved. I know generally what he looks like and I know his character. It drives me insane when I see someone that looks a bit like him and even has some of his traits. It's quite the temptation, but it REALLY sucks when they're not interested. I don't know how many times a day I ask, "God please. When?!"
So yeah... that's the short story. :)
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Faith Unwavering
I am being challenged about my faith right now. I'm not saying an individual is challenging on my beliefs. I'm saying that I am being challenged in my FAITH.
As a child, I had unwavering faith. I believed God beyond a shadow of a doubt. I knew He could do anything and would answer. As I grew older, doubt and unbelief entered in. The older I get, the more I doubt. I have come to a place where there's little that I believe and much that I doubt. :/ not good.
Many of you have already heard my story about waiting for my Beloved. If not, please find my previous blog posts or my blog for my Beloved. At some point (probably soon) I will record the full story again just in case I have not yet done so. Anyway, I have been waiting 10 years for my Beloved. I know God will bring him to me because He promised Him to me. However, I'm finding it difficult to believe it will ever come to pass. I hope, but I do not believe. I know, it sounds like I'm contradicting myself. In my heart I know, but in my head I doubt. Make sense?
So that brings me to some current events taking place. A few weeks or so ago, I thought about the dead being raised. I don't remember the complete thought process, but I remember it being an odd thought. Fast-forward to current events. There's a young man whose body was found recently. The family and many others are praying for him to be brought back to life. There are many who are able to believe without wavering that it will happen. I do find my thoughts a couple of weeks ago a bit ironic. But can I join my faith with these who believe? I'm having a difficult time doing so. I find myself praying that God's will be done, but I cannot seem to wrap my mind around truly BELIEVING that it will happen. :/ This really makes me sad that I have lost faith so easily. I remember the little girl I was who believed with faith unwavering. And now I am so jaded that I barely believe anything. God, help me with my unbelief. :(
For info about the young man I mentioned, go here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/364694933601586/
As a child, I had unwavering faith. I believed God beyond a shadow of a doubt. I knew He could do anything and would answer. As I grew older, doubt and unbelief entered in. The older I get, the more I doubt. I have come to a place where there's little that I believe and much that I doubt. :/ not good.
Many of you have already heard my story about waiting for my Beloved. If not, please find my previous blog posts or my blog for my Beloved. At some point (probably soon) I will record the full story again just in case I have not yet done so. Anyway, I have been waiting 10 years for my Beloved. I know God will bring him to me because He promised Him to me. However, I'm finding it difficult to believe it will ever come to pass. I hope, but I do not believe. I know, it sounds like I'm contradicting myself. In my heart I know, but in my head I doubt. Make sense?
So that brings me to some current events taking place. A few weeks or so ago, I thought about the dead being raised. I don't remember the complete thought process, but I remember it being an odd thought. Fast-forward to current events. There's a young man whose body was found recently. The family and many others are praying for him to be brought back to life. There are many who are able to believe without wavering that it will happen. I do find my thoughts a couple of weeks ago a bit ironic. But can I join my faith with these who believe? I'm having a difficult time doing so. I find myself praying that God's will be done, but I cannot seem to wrap my mind around truly BELIEVING that it will happen. :/ This really makes me sad that I have lost faith so easily. I remember the little girl I was who believed with faith unwavering. And now I am so jaded that I barely believe anything. God, help me with my unbelief. :(
For info about the young man I mentioned, go here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/364694933601586/
Friday, July 20, 2012
What It All Comes Down To...
I have been seeing SOOOOO much war between christians. I was always aware of the battle between denominations; between protestants and catholics; between individuals. But I have found that these wars are not isolated within the walls of religion. I have found that it's just as ugly outside of the IC as it is inside.
I have raged and openly expressed my beliefs. I have been one who has attacked other views on religion. I've attacked the IC. I've attacked other belief systems that are different than my own. But recently, I have watched in disgust as I've seen people tearing each other down. My opinions have changed about who's right or wrong. I think we've ALL got it wrong. We're so busy dissecting theology that we ignore the command to love. We get so caught up in our differences that we don't embrace what we have in common. When are believers going to stop attacking their own army?
I have had the privilege of spending time with some Catholic friends recently. Once upon a time I would have attacked Catholics mercilessly. But I have been reminded that when it all comes down to the nitty gritty, we agree on the basics. That's what we need to focus on. We need to embrace that we agree on salvation. We need to embrace that we (i'm speaking of true believers, not those who go through the motions) all love God, no matter how we express it. I still dislike religion. It's not for me. But I understand that for some people, the structure and discipline works for them. I have to accept that I am not God. God has called me out of the IC, but there are some He has left in the IC. Does that make me any more righteous, any more right than they? Absolutely not! This has been a lesson that has been a long time coming. We need to embrace our common beliefs and stop attacking one another. I now understand why my Catholic friends believe what they do. It makes sense to me and it's nothing like what I was taught. We actually agree on a lot more than I thought was possible. Does that mean i agree 100%? No, but I respect their beliefs. I respect their right to practice those beliefs in the way they feel God is leading them.
Look, ma, I'm growing up! HA
I have raged and openly expressed my beliefs. I have been one who has attacked other views on religion. I've attacked the IC. I've attacked other belief systems that are different than my own. But recently, I have watched in disgust as I've seen people tearing each other down. My opinions have changed about who's right or wrong. I think we've ALL got it wrong. We're so busy dissecting theology that we ignore the command to love. We get so caught up in our differences that we don't embrace what we have in common. When are believers going to stop attacking their own army?
I have had the privilege of spending time with some Catholic friends recently. Once upon a time I would have attacked Catholics mercilessly. But I have been reminded that when it all comes down to the nitty gritty, we agree on the basics. That's what we need to focus on. We need to embrace that we agree on salvation. We need to embrace that we (i'm speaking of true believers, not those who go through the motions) all love God, no matter how we express it. I still dislike religion. It's not for me. But I understand that for some people, the structure and discipline works for them. I have to accept that I am not God. God has called me out of the IC, but there are some He has left in the IC. Does that make me any more righteous, any more right than they? Absolutely not! This has been a lesson that has been a long time coming. We need to embrace our common beliefs and stop attacking one another. I now understand why my Catholic friends believe what they do. It makes sense to me and it's nothing like what I was taught. We actually agree on a lot more than I thought was possible. Does that mean i agree 100%? No, but I respect their beliefs. I respect their right to practice those beliefs in the way they feel God is leading them.
Look, ma, I'm growing up! HA
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Paul Vs. Religion
Last night I was reading in Galatians. I was reading the very first portion of the first chapter and Paul was REALLY upset with the church of Galatia for rejecting grace and reverting to Religion (The Law). It was really interesting to see how exasperated he was about the whole ordeal.
I think Paul would have a conniption fit if he saw Christianity today. I can totally see him smacking his forehead with his palm and shaking his head. "That's completely opposite of what I tried to convey to you," he would say. "Can't you get it through your heads? Why are you still bound by Religion when I've tried to stress to you how important grace is? Why are you still trying to uphold the traditions of men, the law, when freedom is right in front of you?" Yeah, I can see that Paul would be royally miffed at the Church today.
It's astonishing how the IC will praise Paul and idolize him, but completely reject his message. Sure, they'll say, "oh, we live by grace." But do they really? Or are they still trying to get by on works? Are they doing God's will or following the traditions of men? I love how Paul specifically addresses the following of men's traditions. He says that he doesn't do it. The kicker is in the first portion of the first chapter, he says that what he preaches was not taught to him. (GASP you mean a preacher didn't sit down and give him the steps of salvation? You mean he didn't go through ministerial training?) That's right! He says that what he preaches was given to him by revelation. WOW! That totally blows religion out of the water. That defeats the idea that we have to have preachers hear from God for us. Or for that matter, we have to find it in the Bible. Paul didn't say he searched scripture for the message. He says it was given him by revelation. How can that be? RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!
I love how Paul just blows religion out of the water. He preaches against it. How do people not see that? Or maybe they just want to see it as him preaching against Judaism... but isn't that essentially what Christianity today is, just with a Messianic twist? You've got to tithe; you've got to volunteer at the church so many hours a week in addition to the 60+ hours you work; you've got to attend church weekly (never mind that you're neglecting family time. it's your duty as a "faithful christian.") You've got to show your devotion to the church or you're a heathen. Really? Is that what Paul preached? EMPHATICALLY NO! Paul would be appalled (excuse the pun) at the church today!
And people wonder why there are those of us who are breaking the chains of religion and backtracking to what the New Testament teaches...
I think Paul would have a conniption fit if he saw Christianity today. I can totally see him smacking his forehead with his palm and shaking his head. "That's completely opposite of what I tried to convey to you," he would say. "Can't you get it through your heads? Why are you still bound by Religion when I've tried to stress to you how important grace is? Why are you still trying to uphold the traditions of men, the law, when freedom is right in front of you?" Yeah, I can see that Paul would be royally miffed at the Church today.
It's astonishing how the IC will praise Paul and idolize him, but completely reject his message. Sure, they'll say, "oh, we live by grace." But do they really? Or are they still trying to get by on works? Are they doing God's will or following the traditions of men? I love how Paul specifically addresses the following of men's traditions. He says that he doesn't do it. The kicker is in the first portion of the first chapter, he says that what he preaches was not taught to him. (GASP you mean a preacher didn't sit down and give him the steps of salvation? You mean he didn't go through ministerial training?) That's right! He says that what he preaches was given to him by revelation. WOW! That totally blows religion out of the water. That defeats the idea that we have to have preachers hear from God for us. Or for that matter, we have to find it in the Bible. Paul didn't say he searched scripture for the message. He says it was given him by revelation. How can that be? RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!
I love how Paul just blows religion out of the water. He preaches against it. How do people not see that? Or maybe they just want to see it as him preaching against Judaism... but isn't that essentially what Christianity today is, just with a Messianic twist? You've got to tithe; you've got to volunteer at the church so many hours a week in addition to the 60+ hours you work; you've got to attend church weekly (never mind that you're neglecting family time. it's your duty as a "faithful christian.") You've got to show your devotion to the church or you're a heathen. Really? Is that what Paul preached? EMPHATICALLY NO! Paul would be appalled (excuse the pun) at the church today!
And people wonder why there are those of us who are breaking the chains of religion and backtracking to what the New Testament teaches...
The Matrix
Hello, my fellow IC dropouts! I'm not sure if anyone even reads this blog anymore. But it's therapeutic for me to write anyway. I also write in hopes that someone will actually read it at some point and be able to connect with it.
Anyway, to the point! Have any of you ever watched The Matrix with spiritual eyes? If not, I HIGHLY recommend it! Watch it with the perspective that the Matrix=Religion. It will totally blow your mind! Enjoy!
Anyway, to the point! Have any of you ever watched The Matrix with spiritual eyes? If not, I HIGHLY recommend it! Watch it with the perspective that the Matrix=Religion. It will totally blow your mind! Enjoy!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find Out What It Means to Me
The number one problem I see in male/female relationships is a lack of respect. We don't respect each other. We don't respect our future spouse. We don't respect his/her future spouse. We don't respect God. We are very self-centered and focused on what WE want without regard as to what's best for the other person. This is a big issue to me. I struggle with this myself.
In male/female relationships, it's very easy to have "selfish" love. What's in it for us? How is this making ME happy? What can I benefit from this relationship? Society has trained us to be this way. But what about RESPECT? How DO we respect each other?
First of all, we have GOT to remember that (assuming this is a relationship between believers) the other person is the son/daughter of the King. With that in mind, knowing He sees every interaction, we should be quite careful how we interact. Also, in the beginning stages of a relationship, chances are you are unsure if this is your future spouse or not. There's always a chance he/she is not your future spouse. If not, would your future spouse be happy with your interaction with this person? Your thoughts toward them? Would their future spouse be happy with how you're treating them, what you're thinking about them? Instead of focusing on what YOU want out of the relationship, focus on, "how can I honor this person? How can I treat them with respect? Am I being respectful to my future spouse and his/her spouse? These are questions that need to remain at the forefront of our minds. If our thoughts are not pure toward them, we are not respecting them. If we want to test boundaries, we are not being respectful.
If you want to truly love, it starts with respect, plain and simple. If you can't respect me, then don't bother. :)
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!
In male/female relationships, it's very easy to have "selfish" love. What's in it for us? How is this making ME happy? What can I benefit from this relationship? Society has trained us to be this way. But what about RESPECT? How DO we respect each other?
First of all, we have GOT to remember that (assuming this is a relationship between believers) the other person is the son/daughter of the King. With that in mind, knowing He sees every interaction, we should be quite careful how we interact. Also, in the beginning stages of a relationship, chances are you are unsure if this is your future spouse or not. There's always a chance he/she is not your future spouse. If not, would your future spouse be happy with your interaction with this person? Your thoughts toward them? Would their future spouse be happy with how you're treating them, what you're thinking about them? Instead of focusing on what YOU want out of the relationship, focus on, "how can I honor this person? How can I treat them with respect? Am I being respectful to my future spouse and his/her spouse? These are questions that need to remain at the forefront of our minds. If our thoughts are not pure toward them, we are not respecting them. If we want to test boundaries, we are not being respectful.
If you want to truly love, it starts with respect, plain and simple. If you can't respect me, then don't bother. :)
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The Voice of One Calling in the Desert...
For the past 10 years, I have been walking in the proverbial "dry, barren wasteland," or spiritual desert. For the first 9 years, I fought it. It's only within the past year that I've come to accept that this is where I am and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been told that I'm in good company... all those who were "greats" in the Bible went through a desert period as well.
I've not understood my place in the desert. I've felt abandoned here. I've become angry with God for bringing me into this dry, barren wasteland. He has promised me that He was going to cause life and streams to spring up in the desert. He has said many things as to what He has called me to do. He has shown me that I'm meant to open the eyes of the blind and free the captives. Blind to what? Captive to what? Religion. I know that much.
But recently, I have seen the scripture again and again about being the voice of one calling in the desert. It irritated me, to be honest. Why? Because I didn't understand what it had to do with me. I just associated it with John and left it at that. But the wording caught my attention... "IN THE DESERT." God has said much to me about the desert... how that's where the Highway of Holiness is, how few can walk it, etc. So, what exactly is my part in all of this?
For years, I have felt drawn to the prophets of old. The books of the Bible that I'm drawn to are the books of the prophets, especially Isaiah and Jeremiah. But at the same time, I absolutely HATE reading in Jeremiah, especially. I keep reading of disobedience and wrath, doom and gloom. I have always perceived it as God telling me how I've messed up again and turned from Him and disappointed Him. I have not been able to read it through the eyes of seeing Him as a Loving God. I struggle with that still. Every time I read about how Israel blew it again, it upsets me.
I have known for years that I had the gift of discernment. I can read people very well and see things that "normal" people don't see. But I have been afraid to say that I operate in the prophetic. I've never uttered a prophecy. I've had words of knowledge, but I've never operated prophetically--saying what is to come. I have always been afraid of admitting that I thought I had that kind of calling on my life. It seems that it's okay to call yourself an evangelist or a pastor, or even an apostle. But in my upbringing, it has never been okay to label yourself a prophet(ess). Sure, people can walk in that calling, but it's not something you're supposed to admit to. I have always wanted that gifting, but never felt like I was "good enough" to walk in it. Nor did I feel free to express that I suspicioned it just may be one of my giftings.
The other day, my friend and mentor mentioned it to me. She thought I already knew that it was a gifting of mine. I sort of did, but not really. Having her recognize that in me seemed to make a huge difference. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, as if someone removed the veil from the mirror. It was as if it was confirmation that it's really okay to be ME. That I can accept who I am, who I'm called to be, and that it's okay. It seemed to fill me with relief as to why I walk the road I do. It suddenly made everything make sense.
So now my question is, how do I get back to where I'm supposed to be? How do I regain my passion for holiness? How do I regain my passion for revival? How do I regain my passion, period? How do I return to the woman I'm supposed to be? How do I accept this calling? How do I align myself so that I can walk in it? It looks like I've got a long road ahead of me to get where I need to be. *sigh* It's scary, to be honest. I'm trying to work through my walk away from the IC. I'm still trying to find balance. I'm still trying to find the difference between Religion and Relationship. I need to find that girl that I used to be and see if she can teach me a thing or two.
I've not understood my place in the desert. I've felt abandoned here. I've become angry with God for bringing me into this dry, barren wasteland. He has promised me that He was going to cause life and streams to spring up in the desert. He has said many things as to what He has called me to do. He has shown me that I'm meant to open the eyes of the blind and free the captives. Blind to what? Captive to what? Religion. I know that much.
But recently, I have seen the scripture again and again about being the voice of one calling in the desert. It irritated me, to be honest. Why? Because I didn't understand what it had to do with me. I just associated it with John and left it at that. But the wording caught my attention... "IN THE DESERT." God has said much to me about the desert... how that's where the Highway of Holiness is, how few can walk it, etc. So, what exactly is my part in all of this?
For years, I have felt drawn to the prophets of old. The books of the Bible that I'm drawn to are the books of the prophets, especially Isaiah and Jeremiah. But at the same time, I absolutely HATE reading in Jeremiah, especially. I keep reading of disobedience and wrath, doom and gloom. I have always perceived it as God telling me how I've messed up again and turned from Him and disappointed Him. I have not been able to read it through the eyes of seeing Him as a Loving God. I struggle with that still. Every time I read about how Israel blew it again, it upsets me.
I have known for years that I had the gift of discernment. I can read people very well and see things that "normal" people don't see. But I have been afraid to say that I operate in the prophetic. I've never uttered a prophecy. I've had words of knowledge, but I've never operated prophetically--saying what is to come. I have always been afraid of admitting that I thought I had that kind of calling on my life. It seems that it's okay to call yourself an evangelist or a pastor, or even an apostle. But in my upbringing, it has never been okay to label yourself a prophet(ess). Sure, people can walk in that calling, but it's not something you're supposed to admit to. I have always wanted that gifting, but never felt like I was "good enough" to walk in it. Nor did I feel free to express that I suspicioned it just may be one of my giftings.
The other day, my friend and mentor mentioned it to me. She thought I already knew that it was a gifting of mine. I sort of did, but not really. Having her recognize that in me seemed to make a huge difference. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, as if someone removed the veil from the mirror. It was as if it was confirmation that it's really okay to be ME. That I can accept who I am, who I'm called to be, and that it's okay. It seemed to fill me with relief as to why I walk the road I do. It suddenly made everything make sense.
So now my question is, how do I get back to where I'm supposed to be? How do I regain my passion for holiness? How do I regain my passion for revival? How do I regain my passion, period? How do I return to the woman I'm supposed to be? How do I accept this calling? How do I align myself so that I can walk in it? It looks like I've got a long road ahead of me to get where I need to be. *sigh* It's scary, to be honest. I'm trying to work through my walk away from the IC. I'm still trying to find balance. I'm still trying to find the difference between Religion and Relationship. I need to find that girl that I used to be and see if she can teach me a thing or two.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Wish List
There are some books on my wish list... some of which I have read but have lost, most of which I have yet to read.
Pagan Christianity (read the 1st edition but have since lost it. :( Want the new one)
Re-imagining Church
The Misunderstood God
Beautiful Outlaw
Blue Like Jazz
The Prodigal God
The Jesus I Never Knew
The Church In The Wilderness
God Without Religion
Mere Christianity: Finding Your Way Back to Jesus-Shaped Spirituality
Revise Us Again: Living from a Renewed Christian Script
Free Indeed? Are Christians Free Indeed or Enslaved by Religion?
When the Church Leaves the Building
Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith
Revolution
Pagan Christianity (read the 1st edition but have since lost it. :( Want the new one)
Re-imagining Church
The Misunderstood God
Beautiful Outlaw
Blue Like Jazz
The Prodigal God
The Jesus I Never Knew
The Church In The Wilderness
God Without Religion
Mere Christianity: Finding Your Way Back to Jesus-Shaped Spirituality
Revise Us Again: Living from a Renewed Christian Script
Free Indeed? Are Christians Free Indeed or Enslaved by Religion?
When the Church Leaves the Building
Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith
Revolution
DISCLAIMER
I feel I should write a disclaimer about some of what you will read here. This blog is an outlet for me. It is a way to express my frustration with religion as well as what I have learned along the way. Some of what I say may come across as harsh. My apologies, but this is a place where I can say exactly what I'm thinking where I can't anywhere else. By reading this, you are seeing how my mind works in frustration, in revelation, in joy... This is a safe place for me to express what's on my heart. Unfortunately, what I have to say is not always sunshine and roses. Sometimes it comes across so frankly that you may perceive me to be rude. Keep in mind that what you read is only a PORTION of who I am. Unless you know me, you do not see how I interact with others. You don't see my smile or my tears. You don't know how my heart grieves or rejoices. What you see is simply my views on religion and my frustrations with it. So please don't judge me completely by what you see here.
Want to see a softer side? Check out my other blog for my Beloved. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of the love in my heart for my future husband. Though it is a very limited blog at this time, it is only a sample of what I have written to him. I have been writing letters to my Beloved since 2002. If that isn't love for someone I've never met, I don't know what is. They are the one thing in my life that I have been consistent in doing. They express my deepest longings, my struggles, and my joys. Many are much too personal to post. But what you see is a sample of my heart for him.
Want to see a softer side? Check out my other blog for my Beloved. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of the love in my heart for my future husband. Though it is a very limited blog at this time, it is only a sample of what I have written to him. I have been writing letters to my Beloved since 2002. If that isn't love for someone I've never met, I don't know what is. They are the one thing in my life that I have been consistent in doing. They express my deepest longings, my struggles, and my joys. Many are much too personal to post. But what you see is a sample of my heart for him.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Tragedy
This morning I write with a heavy heart. Yesterday afternoon I lost two colleagues in a fatal car crash. These men were both Believers, so I at least have comfort in that. But I can't stop grieving for their families.
Anthony Blum was only 24. He was a son, a brother, a boyfriend, a coach, a teacher, a friend. I did not know him well, but my few encounters with him were enjoyable. I remember the first time I met him. He held the door open for me as we both headed toward the activities building to work a basketball game. He turned around and smiled at me and asked, "Are you following me?" From then on, it was a joke between us as to who was following whom. I wish I could have known him better. I keep thinking about his family and his girlfriend. I can't imagine what they must be going through. If I am grieving for him and didn't know him very well, how deep their grief must be! I was worried about them last night, that they wouldn't sleep. I'm up much earlier than I anticipated and already this morning they're on my heart.
Zane Harvey was 38. He had a wife and children. He was a worship leader at the E-Free church. He was our assistant boys' basketball coach. He taught for 14 years. I did not have an opportunity to meet Mr. Harvey. His wife and children were on my mind last night and are again this morning. I can't imagine the burden his wife now has to carry, trying to explain to the children that daddy's not coming home. It breaks my heart.
May these two men rest in peace. May their families find solace in this tragedy. May our community grow stronger through this atrocity. May peace rest on Broken Bow.
Anthony Blum was only 24. He was a son, a brother, a boyfriend, a coach, a teacher, a friend. I did not know him well, but my few encounters with him were enjoyable. I remember the first time I met him. He held the door open for me as we both headed toward the activities building to work a basketball game. He turned around and smiled at me and asked, "Are you following me?" From then on, it was a joke between us as to who was following whom. I wish I could have known him better. I keep thinking about his family and his girlfriend. I can't imagine what they must be going through. If I am grieving for him and didn't know him very well, how deep their grief must be! I was worried about them last night, that they wouldn't sleep. I'm up much earlier than I anticipated and already this morning they're on my heart.
Zane Harvey was 38. He had a wife and children. He was a worship leader at the E-Free church. He was our assistant boys' basketball coach. He taught for 14 years. I did not have an opportunity to meet Mr. Harvey. His wife and children were on my mind last night and are again this morning. I can't imagine the burden his wife now has to carry, trying to explain to the children that daddy's not coming home. It breaks my heart.
May these two men rest in peace. May their families find solace in this tragedy. May our community grow stronger through this atrocity. May peace rest on Broken Bow.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Fairy Tales
I don't really remember getting into fairy tales as a child. I'm sure I must've read them, but I don't really remember much about it. I do remember, however, believing I was a Princess Queen (which my parents, to this day, won't let me live down.) A Princess Queen? Well, here was my 7-year-old logic on that one: obviously, mom was Queen. I had a baby doll named Rebecca, who was obviously my daughter, and a princess. So the only logical title for the one in between the Queen and the Princess was PRINCESS QUEEN. Ha.
Anyway, back to my train of thought. I don't really know when it happened, but within the past few years I have really become attached to fairy tales. This is going to sound crazy, but they feel more real to me than reality. Something about them draws my heart. Something grips my heart and screams, "YES! You're onto something here!" My favorite TV Show is Once Upon a Time, which is brilliantly written, I must say. Something about it captivates me.
I have always known that my mind is "different," in a manner of speaking. I have even been called "eccentric." I have always known that I don't think like other people do. I seem to live in my own little world where strange things are normal. So I figured my obsession with fairy tales must be one of my oddities. I've written a lot from the viewpoint of fairy tales. I feel connected to them in a very abnormal way. I never really knew why... until now.
I am currently reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I connect with this author in a profound way. He gets right to the heart of a matter. In this instance, he truly gets to the HEART of the matter: the centrality and importance of the heart. I picked this book up at a yard sale a few weeks ago, simply because I love this author. Wild At Heart, Captivating, and The Sacred Romance were all amazing books. I picked this book up, not realizing the significance of this particular book in my life. It's been on my shelf for about 3 or 4 weeks. Here lately, I have noticed a hardness of heart. I am weary and apathetic when it comes to my relationship with God and others. I feel like giving up on God most days. I feel abandoned. I feel distant. I feel hopeless.
Last night I happened to notice the title of the book from my bed, up on the top shelf of my closet. Waking the Dead. Hmmmm, I'm feeling pretty dead right now. Maybe this will hold some answers for me. I picked it up and began to read. It's talking about how we are in a war for our hearts and how it's like a spell has been cast and put us in a deep slumber. It resonates deep within my heart. "YES, this is it!" So this is why fairy tales have resonated so deeply within me. There IS truth to them. There IS a world beyond what we see. There ARE dark forces at work to steal our happily ever after. And there IS a Prince who has come to save the day.
Suddenly it's all making so much sense.
Anyway, back to my train of thought. I don't really know when it happened, but within the past few years I have really become attached to fairy tales. This is going to sound crazy, but they feel more real to me than reality. Something about them draws my heart. Something grips my heart and screams, "YES! You're onto something here!" My favorite TV Show is Once Upon a Time, which is brilliantly written, I must say. Something about it captivates me.
I have always known that my mind is "different," in a manner of speaking. I have even been called "eccentric." I have always known that I don't think like other people do. I seem to live in my own little world where strange things are normal. So I figured my obsession with fairy tales must be one of my oddities. I've written a lot from the viewpoint of fairy tales. I feel connected to them in a very abnormal way. I never really knew why... until now.
I am currently reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I connect with this author in a profound way. He gets right to the heart of a matter. In this instance, he truly gets to the HEART of the matter: the centrality and importance of the heart. I picked this book up at a yard sale a few weeks ago, simply because I love this author. Wild At Heart, Captivating, and The Sacred Romance were all amazing books. I picked this book up, not realizing the significance of this particular book in my life. It's been on my shelf for about 3 or 4 weeks. Here lately, I have noticed a hardness of heart. I am weary and apathetic when it comes to my relationship with God and others. I feel like giving up on God most days. I feel abandoned. I feel distant. I feel hopeless.
Last night I happened to notice the title of the book from my bed, up on the top shelf of my closet. Waking the Dead. Hmmmm, I'm feeling pretty dead right now. Maybe this will hold some answers for me. I picked it up and began to read. It's talking about how we are in a war for our hearts and how it's like a spell has been cast and put us in a deep slumber. It resonates deep within my heart. "YES, this is it!" So this is why fairy tales have resonated so deeply within me. There IS truth to them. There IS a world beyond what we see. There ARE dark forces at work to steal our happily ever after. And there IS a Prince who has come to save the day.
Suddenly it's all making so much sense.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Christianese
Is it just me or is the Christian lingo sickening? I detest being called "Sister." I loathe the religious BS and loaded phrases of the Christian culture. Just be real and talk to me like a normal human being. Don't try to sound spiritual. It just puts off those of us who want nothing to do with religious BS. I want a relationship with God, not sickeningly sweet niceties that make you sound as fake as the day is long. Seriously, it's sickening and makes me want to vomit.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
The Secret to Relationship Success
As a young woman nearing her 30s, I have witnessed a great deal. I have observed enough to be able to give this advice. I have encountered MANY broken hearts, as well as experienced it for myself, to discover the secret to relationship success. Are you ready?
Here's the secret: PURITY. Seriously, keep reading. It has been my experience and observation that when physical intimacy enters a relationship, emotional intimacy exits. It is my firm belief that an emotional bond should be built long before a physical one. I believe with all my heart that a successful relationship is one which begins as a friendship, evolves into courtship, and further evolves into a lifelong commitment. Women who engage in physical intimacy in the beginning of a relationship are more inclined to have their hearts broken.
I have watched many of my friends get their hearts pulled out, shattered, stomped on, and handed back to them. In fact, 9 times out of 10, they have been the ones to willingly give their hearts away to someone who hasn't expressed a desire for, nor worked to win their hearts. I have been that girl. I learned a valuable lesson 3 years ago. My ex-fiance once told me to stop pursuing him, that I wasn't a challenge. He said that I was so willing to give my heart to him that he didn't have to work for it. He wanted to pursue me, but I robbed him of that chance. Ladies, there's a reason for the "play hard to get." It's because it works. A man's primal instincts is to hunt. How much fun would it be for a hunter if the deer walked right up to him and said, "here I am, shoot me." Does that sound ludicrous? The whole issue is that they want the hunt. They want a trophy to show that they worked to get that deer. It wouldn't be as fun for them if there was no challenge. Ladies, men want a challenge!!!!!
So what do I propose? First of all, don't pursue a man, no matter how much you want to get to know him. If he's interested, he'll pursue you. Don't text him, don't call him. Don't kiss him. Don't throw yourself at him. Let HIM come to YOU. Then don't make it easy. Don't re-arrange your schedule to spend time with him. If you're busy, admit you're busy. It will enhance the experience for him. He will become that much more determined to get your attention and prove to himself (and you) that he's worth your time. Don't allow physical intimacy early on in the relationship. The level of physical intimacy should match the level of commitment. Spend more time communicating, getting to know one another, not making out. If he says he's "busy" and that's why he hasn't called you in a few days, move on. A man who's smitten will make time for you no matter how busy he is.
I have actually had men tell me that they would rather have a woman who is pure than a girl who throws themselves at them. One man was honest enough to tell me that he would take advantage of a girl who offered herself so freely to him; but that once he got what he wanted (not her heart), he would move on to look for a woman who wasn't so easily available. The kind of woman he would make a commitment to is the kind of woman who knows her worth and makes him work to win her heart.
Confidence is key. Know that you're worth it. If the guy isn't paying attention to you, don't dwell on him. Hold out for the one who makes you feel like one in a million. I recently read a series by Karen Kingsbury and the character's mother said, "Bailey, you will know the right one because he will pursue you like a dying man in a desert pursues water." I loved that! She hit the nail on the head. If he's not pursuing you, he's not worth your time! Know your worth and know you are worth being pursued! Before you know it, that right man will be pursuing you like a dying man in a desert searches for water.
Here's the secret: PURITY. Seriously, keep reading. It has been my experience and observation that when physical intimacy enters a relationship, emotional intimacy exits. It is my firm belief that an emotional bond should be built long before a physical one. I believe with all my heart that a successful relationship is one which begins as a friendship, evolves into courtship, and further evolves into a lifelong commitment. Women who engage in physical intimacy in the beginning of a relationship are more inclined to have their hearts broken.
I have watched many of my friends get their hearts pulled out, shattered, stomped on, and handed back to them. In fact, 9 times out of 10, they have been the ones to willingly give their hearts away to someone who hasn't expressed a desire for, nor worked to win their hearts. I have been that girl. I learned a valuable lesson 3 years ago. My ex-fiance once told me to stop pursuing him, that I wasn't a challenge. He said that I was so willing to give my heart to him that he didn't have to work for it. He wanted to pursue me, but I robbed him of that chance. Ladies, there's a reason for the "play hard to get." It's because it works. A man's primal instincts is to hunt. How much fun would it be for a hunter if the deer walked right up to him and said, "here I am, shoot me." Does that sound ludicrous? The whole issue is that they want the hunt. They want a trophy to show that they worked to get that deer. It wouldn't be as fun for them if there was no challenge. Ladies, men want a challenge!!!!!
So what do I propose? First of all, don't pursue a man, no matter how much you want to get to know him. If he's interested, he'll pursue you. Don't text him, don't call him. Don't kiss him. Don't throw yourself at him. Let HIM come to YOU. Then don't make it easy. Don't re-arrange your schedule to spend time with him. If you're busy, admit you're busy. It will enhance the experience for him. He will become that much more determined to get your attention and prove to himself (and you) that he's worth your time. Don't allow physical intimacy early on in the relationship. The level of physical intimacy should match the level of commitment. Spend more time communicating, getting to know one another, not making out. If he says he's "busy" and that's why he hasn't called you in a few days, move on. A man who's smitten will make time for you no matter how busy he is.
I have actually had men tell me that they would rather have a woman who is pure than a girl who throws themselves at them. One man was honest enough to tell me that he would take advantage of a girl who offered herself so freely to him; but that once he got what he wanted (not her heart), he would move on to look for a woman who wasn't so easily available. The kind of woman he would make a commitment to is the kind of woman who knows her worth and makes him work to win her heart.
Confidence is key. Know that you're worth it. If the guy isn't paying attention to you, don't dwell on him. Hold out for the one who makes you feel like one in a million. I recently read a series by Karen Kingsbury and the character's mother said, "Bailey, you will know the right one because he will pursue you like a dying man in a desert pursues water." I loved that! She hit the nail on the head. If he's not pursuing you, he's not worth your time! Know your worth and know you are worth being pursued! Before you know it, that right man will be pursuing you like a dying man in a desert searches for water.
Arrogance vs. Confidence
arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
confidence: the quality or state of being certain : certitude <they had every confidence of success>
As has been stated over and over in my past blogs, I grew up in churches. I remember my parents trying to instill confidence in me, always telling me I was beautiful, smart, that I could do anything I set my mind to. However, all that was unwittingly destroyed by the church's stance on humility. I remember it being shoved down my throat that we should not be confident in anyone but God. We can do nothing good in and of ourselves. We shouldn't focus on the outward appearance. Blah blah blah.
As a result, I have seen a great atrocity in our society. We have stripped our women of confidence, as well as our young men. We wonder why so many young people, even those who are churched, are engaging in the things they are: sexual activity, gangs, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, etc. As I have said in past blogs regarding beauty, etc., I firmly believe that if we would instill CONFIDENCE into our young people, they would be a lot stronger in their stand against such vices.
One thing that plagues me about my upbringing in church is that if I ever felt good about myself, I felt guilty. I've noticed that young women, both churched and unchurched, feel the need to combat a compliment with a negative appraisal of themselves. Ex.: "Wow, you look very pretty today!" "Whatever, I look like a fat cow." These negative responses are not innate, but what we feel we are expected to say out of humility. As we repeat these negative appraisals of ourselves over and over, we eventually come to believe them. At first, it's a matter of fear. We fear someone will think we are arrogant to say, "Thanks, I feel pretty today." After all, socially it's not the norm. We fear what other women will say about us if we say anything positive about ourselves. But after a while, we begin to believe those negative appraisals.
I have learned to see myself as beautiful, both inside and out. It wasn't easy. I read the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. That's where my journey began. I have documentation from my younger years that show my self-loathing. I have watched myself slowly emerge from that mindset just over the past 5 years. After reading "Captivating," I understood God's view of me. I understood that it was okay to appreciate beauty, that to negate my own beauty was an insult to my Creator. I began to say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." I stopped measuring myself against the Barbie dolls around me and began seeing myself as a unique individual. For that, I am forever grateful.
One thing I have witnessed is this: Women who are not confident will have sex with a man to gain his adoration. But once he has had his fill and moved on, she is crushed and left feeling she was not enough. On the other hand, a woman who knows her worth knows she should be respected and will have high standards. She will not open the door to a relationship with a man that would disrespect her. She will be bold enough to say up front, "I know my worth. You will treat me with respect. I will not have sex with you. You will either win my heart or die trying. If you can't accept that, hit the road now." A confident woman, though lonely at times, can withstand singleness because she knows her existence and worth is not dependent on the appraisal of a man. She is a rare jewel, one worth far more than diamonds. She is the one who will "live happily ever after," because she knows who she is, whose she is, and that she is beautiful. That confidence is beautiful, not arrogant.
I now know my worth. I am not so arrogant as to walk around thinking I'm better than anyone else. But I know who I am, whose I am, and that I am beautiful. So ladies, please, PLEASE take this to heart. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! It's okay to admit it. It's okay to believe it. Besides making a difference in our choices, CONFIDENCE IS SEXY! Arrogance is not. Just remember the difference. Know your worth, admit your worth, but don't act like you're better than others. If you are a confident woman surrounded by women who are not, raise them up. If we can increase the number of confident women, we will see a change in our society. I've said it before and I believe it with all my heart. BE CONFIDENT!
confidence: the quality or state of being certain : certitude <they had every confidence of success>
As has been stated over and over in my past blogs, I grew up in churches. I remember my parents trying to instill confidence in me, always telling me I was beautiful, smart, that I could do anything I set my mind to. However, all that was unwittingly destroyed by the church's stance on humility. I remember it being shoved down my throat that we should not be confident in anyone but God. We can do nothing good in and of ourselves. We shouldn't focus on the outward appearance. Blah blah blah.
As a result, I have seen a great atrocity in our society. We have stripped our women of confidence, as well as our young men. We wonder why so many young people, even those who are churched, are engaging in the things they are: sexual activity, gangs, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, etc. As I have said in past blogs regarding beauty, etc., I firmly believe that if we would instill CONFIDENCE into our young people, they would be a lot stronger in their stand against such vices.
One thing that plagues me about my upbringing in church is that if I ever felt good about myself, I felt guilty. I've noticed that young women, both churched and unchurched, feel the need to combat a compliment with a negative appraisal of themselves. Ex.: "Wow, you look very pretty today!" "Whatever, I look like a fat cow." These negative responses are not innate, but what we feel we are expected to say out of humility. As we repeat these negative appraisals of ourselves over and over, we eventually come to believe them. At first, it's a matter of fear. We fear someone will think we are arrogant to say, "Thanks, I feel pretty today." After all, socially it's not the norm. We fear what other women will say about us if we say anything positive about ourselves. But after a while, we begin to believe those negative appraisals.
I have learned to see myself as beautiful, both inside and out. It wasn't easy. I read the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. That's where my journey began. I have documentation from my younger years that show my self-loathing. I have watched myself slowly emerge from that mindset just over the past 5 years. After reading "Captivating," I understood God's view of me. I understood that it was okay to appreciate beauty, that to negate my own beauty was an insult to my Creator. I began to say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." I stopped measuring myself against the Barbie dolls around me and began seeing myself as a unique individual. For that, I am forever grateful.
One thing I have witnessed is this: Women who are not confident will have sex with a man to gain his adoration. But once he has had his fill and moved on, she is crushed and left feeling she was not enough. On the other hand, a woman who knows her worth knows she should be respected and will have high standards. She will not open the door to a relationship with a man that would disrespect her. She will be bold enough to say up front, "I know my worth. You will treat me with respect. I will not have sex with you. You will either win my heart or die trying. If you can't accept that, hit the road now." A confident woman, though lonely at times, can withstand singleness because she knows her existence and worth is not dependent on the appraisal of a man. She is a rare jewel, one worth far more than diamonds. She is the one who will "live happily ever after," because she knows who she is, whose she is, and that she is beautiful. That confidence is beautiful, not arrogant.
I now know my worth. I am not so arrogant as to walk around thinking I'm better than anyone else. But I know who I am, whose I am, and that I am beautiful. So ladies, please, PLEASE take this to heart. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! It's okay to admit it. It's okay to believe it. Besides making a difference in our choices, CONFIDENCE IS SEXY! Arrogance is not. Just remember the difference. Know your worth, admit your worth, but don't act like you're better than others. If you are a confident woman surrounded by women who are not, raise them up. If we can increase the number of confident women, we will see a change in our society. I've said it before and I believe it with all my heart. BE CONFIDENT!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
The Word Became Flesh
I was reading in John chapter 1 last night, anticipating the possibility of a Bible study with friends. It begins, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."
The thought struck me. The Bible is not the Word? What? I've seen much discourse recently that the Bible is never spoken of as God's Word. It is Yeshua (Jesus) who is God's Word. The Bible is an inspired work of God, but not the totality of the Word. We have put God in a box and squeezed him within its pages.
So what does that mean, The Word? John 1:14 says, "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." Okay, so THE WORD was Yeshua. We've established that. But what exactly does that mean?
(I use www.blueletterbible.org for study purposes. On that site, you can click on the C for concordance and get the original Hebrew or Greek for the scripture. Below that is a breakdown of the scripture where you can choose the specific word you are looking for: in this case "The Word." I clicked on that and it brought up it's definitions, but it also mentions "Vines" and says, "See Entry." As I clicked on that link, it brought up a list of definitions available through Vine's Expository Dictionary. I prefer Vine's over other reference materials. I scrolled down until I found the listing with the scriptures John 1:1-1:18, I believe.) This is what it says:
The thought struck me. The Bible is not the Word? What? I've seen much discourse recently that the Bible is never spoken of as God's Word. It is Yeshua (Jesus) who is God's Word. The Bible is an inspired work of God, but not the totality of the Word. We have put God in a box and squeezed him within its pages.
So what does that mean, The Word? John 1:14 says, "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." Okay, so THE WORD was Yeshua. We've established that. But what exactly does that mean?
(I use www.blueletterbible.org for study purposes. On that site, you can click on the C for concordance and get the original Hebrew or Greek for the scripture. Below that is a breakdown of the scripture where you can choose the specific word you are looking for: in this case "The Word." I clicked on that and it brought up it's definitions, but it also mentions "Vines" and says, "See Entry." As I clicked on that link, it brought up a list of definitions available through Vine's Expository Dictionary. I prefer Vine's over other reference materials. I scrolled down until I found the listing with the scriptures John 1:1-1:18, I believe.) This is what it says:
"(II) "The Personal Word," a title of the Son of God; this identification is substantiated by the statements of doctrine in Jhn 1:1-18, declaring in verses Jhn 1:1, 2
(1) His distinct and superfinite Personality,
(2) His relation in the Godhead (pros, "with," not mere company, but the most intimate communion),
(3) His deity; in Jhn 1:3 His creative power; in Jhn 1:14 His Incarnation ("became flesh," expressing His voluntary act; not as AV, "was made"), the reality and totality of His human nature, and His glory "as of the only begotten from the Father," RV (marg., "an only begotten from a father"), the absence of the article in each place lending stress to the nature and character of the relationship; His was the Shekinah glory in open manifestation; Jhn 1:18 consummates the identification: "the only-begotten Son (RV marg., many ancient authorities read "God only begotten,"), which is in the bosom of the Father, He hath declared Him," thus fulfilling the significance of the title "Logos," the "Word," the personal manifestation, not of a part of the Divine nature, but of the whole Deity (see IMAGE).
The title is used also in 1Jo 1:1, "the Word of life" combining the two declarations in Jhn 1:1, 4 and Rev 19:13 (for 1Jo 5:7see THREE)."
So He is the Sheikinah glory manifested. He is the personal manifestation of God's will, of the totality of Deity. HE IS.
I got to thinking back to the Genesis account. He spoke His Word, and immediately life was created. So when Yeshua, The Word, was "spoken" or sent, new life was created. The Bible does not produce life. The Word produces life. Yes, we can use it as an access to Yeshua, to get to know Him. Yes, it is important to know the history. But the Bible is a compilation of letters, written with inspiration from God. They are not His Word. They are men's words about Him.
With this new understanding of The Word, think about Isaiah 55:11, "So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper [in the thing] whereto I sent it." So think about it this way. Yeshua is the Word. He accomplished what God sent Him to do: He brought new life to a spiritually dead people. He encompassed the Law and gave us freedom in Grace. He saved us from sin, paid the debt (the wages of sin are death), and rose again to show victory over death hell and the grave. He did not return to the Father without accomplishing what He said He would do. Doesn't that show that He fulfilled that scripture? Who knew that's what God was talking about when He spoke those words to Isaiah!
Remember, seeking HIM is the goal. Don't just read your Bible, but seek to know Him intimately. Don't only search for Him within the pages of Your Bible. Surely, He's there. You can learn a lot about Him. But the key word is ABOUT. Truly get to know the Word. Find out His character, His Love. Get to know the Word. You will be surprised at what you find. :)
Monday, April 9, 2012
Three Days and Three Nights?
http://www.biblestudy.org/basicart/was-jesus-in-the-grave-for-three-days-and-nights.html
Saturday, February 25, 2012
A Lily Among Thorns
This morning, a silent rage (long dormant) has been awakened. It's not so much about religion as it is about the general state of modern humanity. I've had this soapbox for years about femininity and masculinity. This morning I encountered someone I used to know and love and found myself appalled at the self-centeredness I observed. I realized once again that this seems to be the general state of humanity as a whole. Yet again, my ire was fueled.
I often remark that I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born back in Victorian times, when women were expected to be lady-like and men were expected to be chivalrous. Crude behavior was kept on the down-low, not exhibited in public. I marvel at how times have changed, but not in a good way. I'm appalled at the endangerment of chivalry and sacred femininity.
My encounter this morning reminded me how lucky I am to be single. This person was one whom I held in high regard for many years. He was my first love who set the stage for all future encounters. Now as I view his character, I wonder how it is that I ever cared for him. It's great to get closure and put to rest those fairytale memories of how things were. I'm remembering in sharp clarity the true nature of our "love," which was not love at all. After all, we were kids. I used to miss how he made me feel all those years ago. But now, I wouldn't trade my singleness for it. All the loneliness in the world couldn't make me lower my standard to be with someone so self-centered. I would rather have a gentleman who treats me right, who loves me for all my good qualities (not just my physical attributes) than to be with someone who makes me melt physically but lacks in moral character.
I was somewhat saddened by my encounter, truthfully. I felt sorry for this person. I look at my own heart and realize I still have the capacity for love. I have an open heart with a propensity for true love. But this person does not have the capacity for love. He is so caught up in the pleasures of this life that he will never be able to open his heart to pure love. I am so thankful that Abba has kept me pure. I am thankful that I can see with clarity the purity of my own heart.
I find myself longing to stand out from other women. For too long I've blended in. I'm kept myself at a mundane level. I've lowered the standard for myself and allowed myself to be jaded. I've convinced myself that it's okay to be mediocre and take the middle road. But today I'm reminded that I'm born to be royalty. I'm not supposed to be like everyone else. I'm supposed to raise the standard and live a life of purity pleasing to my True Love. I'm supposed to be a lily among thorns, the model of sacred femininity. It's time to be a true lady. In so doing, I hope to be invisible to men who are not chivalrous but stand out to the ones who are.
I often remark that I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born back in Victorian times, when women were expected to be lady-like and men were expected to be chivalrous. Crude behavior was kept on the down-low, not exhibited in public. I marvel at how times have changed, but not in a good way. I'm appalled at the endangerment of chivalry and sacred femininity.
My encounter this morning reminded me how lucky I am to be single. This person was one whom I held in high regard for many years. He was my first love who set the stage for all future encounters. Now as I view his character, I wonder how it is that I ever cared for him. It's great to get closure and put to rest those fairytale memories of how things were. I'm remembering in sharp clarity the true nature of our "love," which was not love at all. After all, we were kids. I used to miss how he made me feel all those years ago. But now, I wouldn't trade my singleness for it. All the loneliness in the world couldn't make me lower my standard to be with someone so self-centered. I would rather have a gentleman who treats me right, who loves me for all my good qualities (not just my physical attributes) than to be with someone who makes me melt physically but lacks in moral character.
I was somewhat saddened by my encounter, truthfully. I felt sorry for this person. I look at my own heart and realize I still have the capacity for love. I have an open heart with a propensity for true love. But this person does not have the capacity for love. He is so caught up in the pleasures of this life that he will never be able to open his heart to pure love. I am so thankful that Abba has kept me pure. I am thankful that I can see with clarity the purity of my own heart.
I find myself longing to stand out from other women. For too long I've blended in. I'm kept myself at a mundane level. I've lowered the standard for myself and allowed myself to be jaded. I've convinced myself that it's okay to be mediocre and take the middle road. But today I'm reminded that I'm born to be royalty. I'm not supposed to be like everyone else. I'm supposed to raise the standard and live a life of purity pleasing to my True Love. I'm supposed to be a lily among thorns, the model of sacred femininity. It's time to be a true lady. In so doing, I hope to be invisible to men who are not chivalrous but stand out to the ones who are.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
More Than Enough?
I see these religious cliches and it really bothers me. (No offense to my friend who inspired this, but it got me thinking.) I hear these cliches, "Jesus is all I need," and "You're more than enough for me," etc. And I can't help but think, "that's the biggest bunch of malarkey I've ever heard." If God was all I needed, then He wouldn't have put a desire for fellowship with others in my heart. If he was more than enough, I would be content to have a relationship with just Him and would not have a longing for earthly companionship. I'm sorry, it sounds bad to say it, but He's NOT all I need. He may HAVE all I need, but He's not enough for me. I need earthly companionship. I need affection. I need a lot of things that He can provide, but that He isn't to me. Make sense? I don't think He ever intended to be "all I ever needed." I think He wants to be first and foremost in my life, but I don't think He wants me to just be content with just Him and no one else. Otherwise, I would be content. I wouldn't have the desire for human companionship. But I do. And unfortunately, He isn't more than enough for me; He isn't all I need. He's the source of what I need; He's the giver of what I need. But I need more than just Him.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)