Hello, Everyone! Well, my journey to my new home is about to begin! As of Tuesday, I will not have access to the internet for a month. I am leaving Oklahoma and heading to my new home, where I will be staying with my brother for a month. Please feel free to leave comments and read blogs you have missed. I just won't be posting anything else until September. See you all then! :D
~Maegan~
Former Slave to Religion
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Speak the Truth in LOVE
John 13:34-35 "34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." Notice the last verse. How do you know a True Believer? By his love. Something to think about. Ironic how there are so many "Christians" who are anything BUT Love.
Newsflash people! I am more apt to listen to someone whom I know loves me than I am all the "holier-than-thou" pompous arrogant.... anyway, I'm more apt to listen to people who love me than those who do not show love. Those people who do not show love just make me rebellious. I don't feel they have my best interest at heart when they try to "minister" to me. I feel they're trying to control me. So take heed that you speak the Truth IN LOVE. Because there are many of us who won't respond to anything else.
Religion causes us to squabble over things that aren't important in the long run. We get irritated because this one does this and that one does that. Why don't we focus on the heart of the matter, why are we getting irritated? Obviously it's something within US, not them, that needs further inspection. If we investigated that aspect first, and kept our mouths shut, there'd be room for growth in all of us. Just sayin'.
Religion causes us to squabble over things that aren't important in the long run. We get irritated because this one does this and that one does that. Why don't we focus on the heart of the matter, why are we getting irritated? Obviously it's something within US, not them, that needs further inspection. If we investigated that aspect first, and kept our mouths shut, there'd be room for growth in all of us. Just sayin'.
Then, if there really is a problem within them, let the Holy Spirit deal with it. I do believe He's big enough to convict them without us condemning them. Ask yourself this next time you want to judge someone: Am I really looking out for their best interest? Or am I trying to control them into doing what I want them to do? If you answer honestly and don't deceive yourself, you'll find that 9 times out of 10 the answer is control. I don't know about you, but the God I serve is big enough to provoke change in people without me getting in the way. And SHOULD He use me, I should be careful to speak the truth in Love and not hinder His working in them.
We're just mean-spirited by nature. And we don't even TRY to Love. We go by our emotions. I'm one of the guiltiest about going by my emotions. There are people out there that just seeing them rubs me the wrong way and I find it difficult to be nice to them. I still struggle with judging people and my own tendency to look past the plank in my own eye to get the speck out of theirs. I'm trying really hard to make a conscious effort to LOVE people instead of judging them. It's easier said than done; but it's something we should seriously work on. I think that's the BIGGEST commandment is to Love. It doesn't mean we have to agree with what that person says or does. It simply means we should respect them as human beings and let God have control of the situation, yielding ourselves as vessels to be used by Him to love them.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Singleness
You know... I was just thinking about singleness and how I've heard religious ppl say, "well, now, have you ever thought that maybe God called you to a life of singleness? If you're meant to have someone, he'll come along. If not, just be happy with God." Really? More religious BS! Why would God place a desire in my heart that He doesn't intend to fulfill? what happened to "ask it and it will be done" "He will give you the desire of your heart" and all those other scriptures. Don't give me this, "well if it's His will." Life reveals it's His will! He wouldn't have put male and female together if it wasn't His will. And If it wasn't His will for me, He wouldn't have put this desire in the depths of my heart. He wouldn't have given me a promise. He wouldn't have given me dreams of my future with a hubby and children. So for all you singles out there that are tired of the cliche' religious BS answers, take heart. God isn't so cruel to give you a deep burning desire for a mate if He didn't intend on giving you one. Just hang in there. God takes great joy in doing the "impossible". :)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Wanted for Murder
There's a homicidal maniac on the loose. He's a master of disguise, posing as someone you can trust... pastor, evangelist, person sitting next to you in church, leader, teacher, prophet, worship leader... the list of his disguises goes on. He's very conniving, this one. He will convince you that he is your friend, then turn around and stab you in the back. He will demand everything from you, your time, your money, everything. He will even present himself as God and condemn you when you don't do what he wants. But when you're hurting, he won't be there for you. He is a spiritual rapist and murderer and should be brought to justice. His name? RELIGION.
Many reading this have been victims of this murderer. Victims who have survived are left in a spiritual coma with little hope of recovering. They have been spiritually raped. They have had the thing most precious to them ripped from them. They have been lied to, deceived, and destroyed beyond what's conceivable. What's worse is that when a victim is conscious, they are so badly beaten and injured, that they do not recognize their attacker. When brought to view a lineup of their attacker, 9 times out of 10 they will pick God or Christians as their attacker.
Beware of this murderer. He comes as an angel of light but leaves terrible destruction in his path. He is a serial rapist and murderer. His violent acts supersede those of all serial killers in the past put together. Jack the Ripper ain't got nothing on Religion. Want proof? Let's take a look at the rap sheet of Religion.
The following murders (and attempted murders) were committed by Religion. When brought to trial, he escaped conviction and others were wrongfully accused; some of these crimes go unsolved... but the murderer is still on the loose. Some have tried to bring him to justice, but he was acquitted on all charges. I believe it's time to bring him before the right Judge and have him found guilty once and for all.
When Y'Shua was crucified, Religion was the one pushing for it to be done. Many martyrs were killed by Religion. Religion is responsible for thousands, maybe even millions of Believers being in critical care (spiritually speaking). Many of those Believers are spiritually comatose. Some of the Believers who have survived the attacks cannot accurately identify their attacker, as he posed as God Himself while he was attacking. Religion has caused God to be blamed for the atrocities which have befallen Believers. Others who have survived the attacks have come to know the true identity of their attacker. I am one such victim. I am seeking justice for other victims. I'm seeking to clear the names/Name of those wrongfully accused and make sure Religion is found guilty.
Many reading this have been victims of this murderer. Victims who have survived are left in a spiritual coma with little hope of recovering. They have been spiritually raped. They have had the thing most precious to them ripped from them. They have been lied to, deceived, and destroyed beyond what's conceivable. What's worse is that when a victim is conscious, they are so badly beaten and injured, that they do not recognize their attacker. When brought to view a lineup of their attacker, 9 times out of 10 they will pick God or Christians as their attacker.
Beware of this murderer. He comes as an angel of light but leaves terrible destruction in his path. He is a serial rapist and murderer. His violent acts supersede those of all serial killers in the past put together. Jack the Ripper ain't got nothing on Religion. Want proof? Let's take a look at the rap sheet of Religion.
The following murders (and attempted murders) were committed by Religion. When brought to trial, he escaped conviction and others were wrongfully accused; some of these crimes go unsolved... but the murderer is still on the loose. Some have tried to bring him to justice, but he was acquitted on all charges. I believe it's time to bring him before the right Judge and have him found guilty once and for all.
When Y'Shua was crucified, Religion was the one pushing for it to be done. Many martyrs were killed by Religion. Religion is responsible for thousands, maybe even millions of Believers being in critical care (spiritually speaking). Many of those Believers are spiritually comatose. Some of the Believers who have survived the attacks cannot accurately identify their attacker, as he posed as God Himself while he was attacking. Religion has caused God to be blamed for the atrocities which have befallen Believers. Others who have survived the attacks have come to know the true identity of their attacker. I am one such victim. I am seeking justice for other victims. I'm seeking to clear the names/Name of those wrongfully accused and make sure Religion is found guilty.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Recent Uploads
I just copied a bunch of my old writings over from facebook. Some are poems I've written, some are regarding my wilderness experience, and some are simply me bearing my heart. Please understand as you read these writings that the phase of the wilderness I was in may differ greatly from where I am now. Some may contain stronger language. I haven't completely read every single one of them; I know that some of my poems do contain cussing. My apologies if that offends you. But I hope that in sharing my writings, someone out there may be able to relate and find some comfort in that. Thanks for keeping up with my posts!
~Maegan~
~Maegan~
Where Do I Fit In? (July 15, 2009)
I have been a Christian all of my life. Before I was conceived, God told my mom that he was giving me to her to raise, but that I was HIS. When I was born I died 3 times. There was always something "different" about me. When I was 3 years old I was laying hands on the sick and injured and seeing healing and miracles. I laid hands on my injured rabbit and watched as his leg miraculously recover. I laid hands on my mom's forehead after we were in an accident when I was four and watched a knot disappear. At four years of age I saw Jesus Himself when we were in a wreck just outside of Prague, OK. I started doing spiritual warfare over my broken tape player, telling the devil that I was "rolling him up like a basketball and tossing him out" and then sat down in the floor to listen to my Pat Boone tapes on my once-broken cassette player. Nothing was impossible to me. When I was 6 years old I was saved, baptized, and filled with the Holy Spirit with evidence of speaking in tongues. I approached my teacher, who was not a tongue-speaking believer, and asked her if she was filled with the holy spirit. As I recall, I laid hands on her and she began speaking in tongues. She had to do it "in the closet" though because it was not an accepted practice. When other kids were playing obliviously on the playground, I was laying hands on other kids and leading them to salvation. I have seen angels and demons. When I was 9 years old an angel came to me at school and gave me the scripture Acts 26:16,17, and 18. I knew that I was called to preach and I began fervently praying every night, "God when?" Two years later I was at a minister's conference in Gilchrist, TX and telling my 'testimony' about being called to preach, seeing Jesus and the angels, etc. The man that was leading the conference asked me to share this with the whole group of ministers, as he too was called to preach at an early age. After I spoke to the group, an apostle and prophet stood up and said simultaneously that God told them to ordain me. I preached in that church occasionally until we returned to OK. When I was in 8th grade my history class was doing a project on the Bill of Rights and my group was assigned the Right to Free Speech and religion. I took control of the group, as no one else really wanted to do the project, and I set up a mini-"drama" in which I preached and then was taken away in handcuffs. What is amazing is that word got around the school that I was preaching at school. In that tiny auditorium in High Island, TX, there was standing room only as I proclaimed the gospel. Later I was approached by many who wanted to know more about this God I served. Upon returning to Oklahoma in 2000, I became passionate about Revival. At school I was nicknamed "Thumper" short for Bible-Thumper. Another nickname that has followed me through the years has been "Holy Holley". I remember at 16 years old staying awake all hours of the night crying out for Revival.
But there's another side to this story. What I haven't told you is how I have been rejected... yes by the world, but sadly, by the church as well. I have been deemed "peculiar" by the church. I remember crying more than smiling because I couldn't understand why I never fit in with the other kids. I reached out to the adults, who seemed to embrace me a tad bit better. But as I became a teenager, the adults too began to come against me. I never fit in anywhere. After being ostracized from a church when I was 18, I began to feel unwanted and out of sorts. But still, I pressed on naively searching for fellowship. Surely someone would want me. But I searched to no avail. After being rejected by "God's People" for so long, I began to search out the world to see if they would accept me. When I was 21 I began hanging out in a bar on Wednesday nights. I wasn't doing anything "bad" just looking for friendship. I was accepted there, much to my surprise. But I still knew in my heart that's not where I belonged. After being shunned by the Non-Denoms for so many years I began to search out other avenues. I came across the Messianics and began to learn about the Hebrew culture. The religion was not for me, but I met my best friend and I learned about Hebrew Culture and fell in love with it. The problem is, my best friend is a long-distance friend... we've only seen each other face to face twice, and that was after 3 years of knowing each other. When i didn't fit in with the Messianics, i sought out the Church of God 7th Day. Nope, didn't fit there either. So I decided to give the Non-Denoms one more chance. I began attending a church, but once again seemed invisible. There were very few close to my age, and those that were did not make any attempts to reach out to me. I had to seek them out and still was not accepted when I did. I was "different" and didn't fit into their world. I began working with the youth and enjoyed their company. But I was empty and couldn't pour into their lives any longer. My heart and soul were barren... no healing in sight, no food for my starving heart. I was not getting what I needed to be nourished, so I left the church. I was deeply grieved when i left the church so I sought out someone that I thought could help me. For a short time that sufficed. One individual was shown my calling and reached out to take me under his wing. But soon I was forgotten, and then abandoned when I did not remain at the church he prescribed for me. I didn't feel like that was where God wanted me to be. So I was deemed disobedient and even told that I wasn't worth this individual's time, or anyone else's for that matter. I sank back into bitterness toward the church. How could "God's People" be so indifferent to someone? I didn't understand why no one wanted me.
I took all the beating I could stand and needed a break. I took off to Arkansas to visit my friend with one purpose... to get away from the "good little christian girl" reputation, if only for a week. I had a great time but still God oozed from me and was recognized in me. I couldn't get away from who He called me to be, but I sure tried. I dated a guy, who by the way was not a Believer, for several weeks. He told me that he could see good in me, that he saw an inner beauty that most women don't possess. Finally, someone sees me! But of course, that was not meant to be and I cut my ties with him shortly after Valentine's Day. I have had many non-believers say to me that they see good in me, that i have a beautiful heart, that I have a heart of gold... i have many unbelieving males drawn to me, telling me these things and desperately trying to get my attention. I'm careful not to give them the attention they desire, but it's hard when someone finally sees something "good" in me.
So what does that have to do with today? I'll tell you. I have had a hunger, a gnawing desire for fellowship for a long time now. I started reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge and felt God tugging at my heart about Fellowship... about community. So I reached out to the only people I feel drawn to... the ones I admire and want to become more like them. You know what happened? Nothing. How am I supposed to be obedient to a command to fellowship when no one wants anything to do with me? I long for fellowship... I crave companionship with like-minded believers. But when I reach out, I am told, either by words or by lack of them, that I am not deemed worthy. I am not important enough to respond to. How am I supposed to not get angry at a God who commands me to fellowship then does not provide that fellowship? When I try to reach out for someone to train me, to love me, to be a friend... i see nothing but their backs. Agendas... I hate agendas. Everyone is so busy with their ministries that they don't have time for ministry. Make sense? No, probably not. But it does to me. "No, I don't have time for you right now I have to pray for the lost souls in Africa" but... but... what about those hurting next to you? What about those who are walking on that fine line between life and death? You don't REALLY know me. You don't know that I've contemplated suicide many times but the only thing that stopped me was the fear that I'd go to hell. Why did I contemplate suicide? You guessed it... I felt unwanted. Am I suicidal now? No. I'm angry. But how could you possibly know that when you don't make time to find out what's in my heart?
This morning I woke up with a burning anger. I'm doing my best not to turn that anger on God. I keep thinking, "God, are you showing them something about me that is bad so that they don't want to be around me?" I have wanted to ask these individuals so many times what it is they see about me that repulses them so. But even as brazen as I am, I can't seem to do it. If you've ever read captivating, you know that every woman's question is, "Am I lovely? Am I captivating? Am I worth it?" and when I ask these questions I hear a resounding "NO" from those who call themselves Christ-like. Oh sure, they say "I love you" but talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words, and so does silence. How can you love someone that you don't know? How can you say you love me but not want to spend any time around me? Then you tell me that, well, God loves you. Really? How am I supposed to believe it... "If we are the Body, then why aren't His hands reaching..."
I came to a stark realization yesterday that I am what you would call a "lukewarm" christian. It made me sick. When I read Paul's words, if I have faith to move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. Ouch. I am nothing. There it is again... I'm nothing. Funny, I've tried to love but my love is scorned. So I put up a guard so that I can't be hurt again and I become one of the coldest human beings on the planet. The famous "love chapter" says that love is not rude... ouch. It says that love is not irritable or self-serving. Ouch. I am the opposite of love. I want to love... God do I want to love! Desperately! In some ways it pushes me to want to be better. But then there's this voice that says, "what's the point?" Yes, yes, I know... all you church people are telling me not to listen to the voice of the Enemy, etc etc. I know this. Remember, I was raised in church. I know the Christian lingo. I know all the "right" answers. But what about REAL answers???? Let's talk about why no one wants anything to do with christianity. Maybe it's because there's a lack of love in the church? Outsiders look in and they see an army that has turned on itself and is slayiing its own... a bunch of chickens pecking each other to death. Would YOU want to be a part of a "family" like that? No, me either. I think we take each other for granted. "Oh, she's strong enough. She'll survive." How do you know that? No, I won't survive. I'm malnourished. I'm starved for affection. I'm hungry for fellowship. I'm lost in this dry barren wasteland and all I want is a sip of water. What sucks is that I see people walking by me with full cantines and they scoff at me. "she's strong enough, she has God's favor on her, she'll survive." Not if you keep trying to kill me, I won't! Unless you are the two people that I've REALLY shared my heart with, you don't know me. You don't know how close I've come to throwing in the towel and saying, "Forget it."
Why am I writing this? Am I trying to put someone on a guilt trip? No. Honestly i'd be surprised if anyone reads this. I'm writing for one think to vent because i'm angry and i'm hurt and what I really want to do right now is run away from everything. But I'm also writing because, if by chance someone does read this, you need to know that you DON'T KNOW what that other person is going through. When you walk by them and ignore them... when you don't answer their cries for help... you just may be condemning their souls to hell. Listen... listen to the cries for help. It could be life or death. Do you want their blood on your hands? No, me either.
God soften my heart so that I too will stop ignoring the cries for help. Cause me to love you and love others as much as myself. Open my eyes to the needs around me. Cause me to be a reflection of love. Help me to never be too busy to reach out to someone who's hurting. Help me to always remember that someone's eternity could be resting in my hands. Oh God, wash away the blood that stains my hands already. Forgive me for my calloused, hard heart. Remove this heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Remove from me any unclean thing. Take the coal, cleanse my lips, here I am. I am yours, Oh God, to do with whatever You please. Help me to remember that this life is not about me, that i am merely an extra in this movie that is all about You. Help me to remember that everything I do is for Your glory. Let me feel Your arms around me. Jesus, heal my shattered heart. It feels like it's beyond repair and hopeless, but I know that nothing is impossible for You. And Lord, please send me some companions... men and women after Your Own Heart that can be Your Hands and Feet to minister healing back into my malnourished heart. God I need You and as much as I hate to admit it, I need Your people too. Please God, I'm crying out for help. Please send someone to put salve on these wounds. God I need Your strength. I need Your healing. I need Your Love. God I don't feel Your Love. I feel unwanted and abandoned by You because Your people have abandoned me and proven I'm unwanted. Lord we are supposed to be Your reflection... help me not to treat others the way I've been treated. Help me to love with Your everlasting love. Open the eyes of your bride so that she will reach out to the hurting within her own body. Lord forgive us for turning so many away. Forgive us for killing our own. We are spiritual felons, all of us, guilty of the murder of souls. God help us to stop fighting each other, to stop ignoring one another. Teach us to love and to be loved. Yes God, teach us how to be loved when the concept is so foreign to us. God heal our hearts. We are broken and messed up. Help us. Give us Your Heart. Cause us to truly repent, to turn back from our ways and to truly seek Your heart. God teach me to love and help me not to be bitter. Remove the root of bitterness that has taken hold of my heart. Forgive me for questioning Your Love for me based on man's lack of love. Forgive me for condemning the very thing that I am guilty of. God pierce our hearts... break our hearts with the things that break Yours. Thank you for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for Your Love though I can't yet feel it. Thank you for the ones You are bringing to me to minister healing to their broken hearts. God use me as Your hands to minister healing and awaken my eyes to see when I've become a dagger bent on murder. Lord I repent of my lack of love. I repent of my anger, no matter how justified I am in being angry. Let Your peace reign in my heart. Remind me that your Grace has covered me and help me not to be overwhelmed by condemnation. God set me free. My heart has been taken captive and I need You to come rescue me. There is no other. There is no one like You. No one but You is worthy of my adoration. I give You all I am, though I'm broken and tattered and torn. Turn my ashes into beauty for the glory of Your Name.
But there's another side to this story. What I haven't told you is how I have been rejected... yes by the world, but sadly, by the church as well. I have been deemed "peculiar" by the church. I remember crying more than smiling because I couldn't understand why I never fit in with the other kids. I reached out to the adults, who seemed to embrace me a tad bit better. But as I became a teenager, the adults too began to come against me. I never fit in anywhere. After being ostracized from a church when I was 18, I began to feel unwanted and out of sorts. But still, I pressed on naively searching for fellowship. Surely someone would want me. But I searched to no avail. After being rejected by "God's People" for so long, I began to search out the world to see if they would accept me. When I was 21 I began hanging out in a bar on Wednesday nights. I wasn't doing anything "bad" just looking for friendship. I was accepted there, much to my surprise. But I still knew in my heart that's not where I belonged. After being shunned by the Non-Denoms for so many years I began to search out other avenues. I came across the Messianics and began to learn about the Hebrew culture. The religion was not for me, but I met my best friend and I learned about Hebrew Culture and fell in love with it. The problem is, my best friend is a long-distance friend... we've only seen each other face to face twice, and that was after 3 years of knowing each other. When i didn't fit in with the Messianics, i sought out the Church of God 7th Day. Nope, didn't fit there either. So I decided to give the Non-Denoms one more chance. I began attending a church, but once again seemed invisible. There were very few close to my age, and those that were did not make any attempts to reach out to me. I had to seek them out and still was not accepted when I did. I was "different" and didn't fit into their world. I began working with the youth and enjoyed their company. But I was empty and couldn't pour into their lives any longer. My heart and soul were barren... no healing in sight, no food for my starving heart. I was not getting what I needed to be nourished, so I left the church. I was deeply grieved when i left the church so I sought out someone that I thought could help me. For a short time that sufficed. One individual was shown my calling and reached out to take me under his wing. But soon I was forgotten, and then abandoned when I did not remain at the church he prescribed for me. I didn't feel like that was where God wanted me to be. So I was deemed disobedient and even told that I wasn't worth this individual's time, or anyone else's for that matter. I sank back into bitterness toward the church. How could "God's People" be so indifferent to someone? I didn't understand why no one wanted me.
I took all the beating I could stand and needed a break. I took off to Arkansas to visit my friend with one purpose... to get away from the "good little christian girl" reputation, if only for a week. I had a great time but still God oozed from me and was recognized in me. I couldn't get away from who He called me to be, but I sure tried. I dated a guy, who by the way was not a Believer, for several weeks. He told me that he could see good in me, that he saw an inner beauty that most women don't possess. Finally, someone sees me! But of course, that was not meant to be and I cut my ties with him shortly after Valentine's Day. I have had many non-believers say to me that they see good in me, that i have a beautiful heart, that I have a heart of gold... i have many unbelieving males drawn to me, telling me these things and desperately trying to get my attention. I'm careful not to give them the attention they desire, but it's hard when someone finally sees something "good" in me.
So what does that have to do with today? I'll tell you. I have had a hunger, a gnawing desire for fellowship for a long time now. I started reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge and felt God tugging at my heart about Fellowship... about community. So I reached out to the only people I feel drawn to... the ones I admire and want to become more like them. You know what happened? Nothing. How am I supposed to be obedient to a command to fellowship when no one wants anything to do with me? I long for fellowship... I crave companionship with like-minded believers. But when I reach out, I am told, either by words or by lack of them, that I am not deemed worthy. I am not important enough to respond to. How am I supposed to not get angry at a God who commands me to fellowship then does not provide that fellowship? When I try to reach out for someone to train me, to love me, to be a friend... i see nothing but their backs. Agendas... I hate agendas. Everyone is so busy with their ministries that they don't have time for ministry. Make sense? No, probably not. But it does to me. "No, I don't have time for you right now I have to pray for the lost souls in Africa" but... but... what about those hurting next to you? What about those who are walking on that fine line between life and death? You don't REALLY know me. You don't know that I've contemplated suicide many times but the only thing that stopped me was the fear that I'd go to hell. Why did I contemplate suicide? You guessed it... I felt unwanted. Am I suicidal now? No. I'm angry. But how could you possibly know that when you don't make time to find out what's in my heart?
This morning I woke up with a burning anger. I'm doing my best not to turn that anger on God. I keep thinking, "God, are you showing them something about me that is bad so that they don't want to be around me?" I have wanted to ask these individuals so many times what it is they see about me that repulses them so. But even as brazen as I am, I can't seem to do it. If you've ever read captivating, you know that every woman's question is, "Am I lovely? Am I captivating? Am I worth it?" and when I ask these questions I hear a resounding "NO" from those who call themselves Christ-like. Oh sure, they say "I love you" but talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words, and so does silence. How can you love someone that you don't know? How can you say you love me but not want to spend any time around me? Then you tell me that, well, God loves you. Really? How am I supposed to believe it... "If we are the Body, then why aren't His hands reaching..."
I came to a stark realization yesterday that I am what you would call a "lukewarm" christian. It made me sick. When I read Paul's words, if I have faith to move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. Ouch. I am nothing. There it is again... I'm nothing. Funny, I've tried to love but my love is scorned. So I put up a guard so that I can't be hurt again and I become one of the coldest human beings on the planet. The famous "love chapter" says that love is not rude... ouch. It says that love is not irritable or self-serving. Ouch. I am the opposite of love. I want to love... God do I want to love! Desperately! In some ways it pushes me to want to be better. But then there's this voice that says, "what's the point?" Yes, yes, I know... all you church people are telling me not to listen to the voice of the Enemy, etc etc. I know this. Remember, I was raised in church. I know the Christian lingo. I know all the "right" answers. But what about REAL answers???? Let's talk about why no one wants anything to do with christianity. Maybe it's because there's a lack of love in the church? Outsiders look in and they see an army that has turned on itself and is slayiing its own... a bunch of chickens pecking each other to death. Would YOU want to be a part of a "family" like that? No, me either. I think we take each other for granted. "Oh, she's strong enough. She'll survive." How do you know that? No, I won't survive. I'm malnourished. I'm starved for affection. I'm hungry for fellowship. I'm lost in this dry barren wasteland and all I want is a sip of water. What sucks is that I see people walking by me with full cantines and they scoff at me. "she's strong enough, she has God's favor on her, she'll survive." Not if you keep trying to kill me, I won't! Unless you are the two people that I've REALLY shared my heart with, you don't know me. You don't know how close I've come to throwing in the towel and saying, "Forget it."
Why am I writing this? Am I trying to put someone on a guilt trip? No. Honestly i'd be surprised if anyone reads this. I'm writing for one think to vent because i'm angry and i'm hurt and what I really want to do right now is run away from everything. But I'm also writing because, if by chance someone does read this, you need to know that you DON'T KNOW what that other person is going through. When you walk by them and ignore them... when you don't answer their cries for help... you just may be condemning their souls to hell. Listen... listen to the cries for help. It could be life or death. Do you want their blood on your hands? No, me either.
God soften my heart so that I too will stop ignoring the cries for help. Cause me to love you and love others as much as myself. Open my eyes to the needs around me. Cause me to be a reflection of love. Help me to never be too busy to reach out to someone who's hurting. Help me to always remember that someone's eternity could be resting in my hands. Oh God, wash away the blood that stains my hands already. Forgive me for my calloused, hard heart. Remove this heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Remove from me any unclean thing. Take the coal, cleanse my lips, here I am. I am yours, Oh God, to do with whatever You please. Help me to remember that this life is not about me, that i am merely an extra in this movie that is all about You. Help me to remember that everything I do is for Your glory. Let me feel Your arms around me. Jesus, heal my shattered heart. It feels like it's beyond repair and hopeless, but I know that nothing is impossible for You. And Lord, please send me some companions... men and women after Your Own Heart that can be Your Hands and Feet to minister healing back into my malnourished heart. God I need You and as much as I hate to admit it, I need Your people too. Please God, I'm crying out for help. Please send someone to put salve on these wounds. God I need Your strength. I need Your healing. I need Your Love. God I don't feel Your Love. I feel unwanted and abandoned by You because Your people have abandoned me and proven I'm unwanted. Lord we are supposed to be Your reflection... help me not to treat others the way I've been treated. Help me to love with Your everlasting love. Open the eyes of your bride so that she will reach out to the hurting within her own body. Lord forgive us for turning so many away. Forgive us for killing our own. We are spiritual felons, all of us, guilty of the murder of souls. God help us to stop fighting each other, to stop ignoring one another. Teach us to love and to be loved. Yes God, teach us how to be loved when the concept is so foreign to us. God heal our hearts. We are broken and messed up. Help us. Give us Your Heart. Cause us to truly repent, to turn back from our ways and to truly seek Your heart. God teach me to love and help me not to be bitter. Remove the root of bitterness that has taken hold of my heart. Forgive me for questioning Your Love for me based on man's lack of love. Forgive me for condemning the very thing that I am guilty of. God pierce our hearts... break our hearts with the things that break Yours. Thank you for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for Your Love though I can't yet feel it. Thank you for the ones You are bringing to me to minister healing to their broken hearts. God use me as Your hands to minister healing and awaken my eyes to see when I've become a dagger bent on murder. Lord I repent of my lack of love. I repent of my anger, no matter how justified I am in being angry. Let Your peace reign in my heart. Remind me that your Grace has covered me and help me not to be overwhelmed by condemnation. God set me free. My heart has been taken captive and I need You to come rescue me. There is no other. There is no one like You. No one but You is worthy of my adoration. I give You all I am, though I'm broken and tattered and torn. Turn my ashes into beauty for the glory of Your Name.
Reap What You Sow (July 24, 2009)
I've always heard that you reap what you sow and it never really hit me until tonight that i've sown some pretty bad things. Hatred, Malice, Abandonment, Rejection, Offense, just to name a few. I faced some of that tonight as I realized that I have sown negatively in others' lives, hurt people very badly. And I wonder why I'm ignored by those I look up to... I wonder why all these negative things happen to me. I've done it to myself. Then it becomes a vicious cycle because I'm reaping what I've sown by someone else sowing into my life. Then when I become repentant, there's a dangerous line there between feeling remorse and condemnation. So we carry the weight around, not only the unforgiveness of the other person toward us, but our unforgiveness toward them and also toward ourselves. So we wall ourselves in, brick by brick we build our own prison. Ironic, that's the drama we were working on... My Own Prison. Yes, I know this doesn't make sense. It doesn't need to because I'm honestly just venting what's on my heart. I doubt anyone reads these things anyway.
I'm riding that fine line between remorse and condemnation. it would be really easy right now to listen to the voices that are telling me that I'm no good and that i've destroyed everyone i've come in contact with. It would be really easy to accept the lies as truths. I'm fighting to not do that. Because with condemnation comes self pity. It would be really easy to sit here feeling sorry for myself about how awful i've been but not do anything to make a change. I keep thinking about Crazy Love and how it paints a picture of a Lukewarm Christian, mostly that the lukewarm christian is without love. I want to love. I want to make a positive impact on ppl's life, not leave a trail of damaged aftermath. I want to be a blessing not a curse. I've got to put an end to this vicious cycle. God help me sow good and not evil.
I'm riding that fine line between remorse and condemnation. it would be really easy right now to listen to the voices that are telling me that I'm no good and that i've destroyed everyone i've come in contact with. It would be really easy to accept the lies as truths. I'm fighting to not do that. Because with condemnation comes self pity. It would be really easy to sit here feeling sorry for myself about how awful i've been but not do anything to make a change. I keep thinking about Crazy Love and how it paints a picture of a Lukewarm Christian, mostly that the lukewarm christian is without love. I want to love. I want to make a positive impact on ppl's life, not leave a trail of damaged aftermath. I want to be a blessing not a curse. I've got to put an end to this vicious cycle. God help me sow good and not evil.
Building the Future On the Past (July 26, 2009)
So for the first time in a year I allowed myself to be around teens. These were some really great kids to be around and I had a blast. But looking at these teens all I could think about were the ones I left behind. God I miss those kids. What's sad is they have no idea how much I love them, even to this day. My heart aches for them and not a day goes by that I don't think about them and wish things had been different. It took me a while to stop grieving and now i'm looking back at the scar that remains.
In some ways I wish I had never loved them so deeply to be so hurt by matters of circumstance. I would love to make them understand what happened, but anymore I don't even know. I know I made mistakes. I know false accusations were made. And I know everyone got hurt. I never ever want to go through that kind of pain again or put anyone through it again.
It's funny, as I was driving to the fellowship of teens tonight I contemplated stopping by to say hi to my old crew... but there are still some apologies left unspoken. There are still some things that won't be forgiven... no matter how often i asked for forgiveness. People have made up their minds about me and will stick to their opinions of me. It grieves me that I can't go back. I wish with everything in me that I could go spend one service with them... just one. That for just a moment we could recapture the way things used to be. but I would be naive to believe such a thing possible.
Now all I can do is look to the future. "forgetting what is behind me, i press on toward the mark." Well, not entirely forgetting what is behind me. For as long as I live I will never forget this special handful of teens. I'll never stop missing them or loving them. I wish they knew how much they impacted me. i wish they could feel the love I have for them. but words cannot express what i feel. Nor would they believe me. :(
So as to end on a positive note, here's to the future and all the wonderful kids I'll meet. I hope they're half as amazing as the ones I left behind. Those are some pretty amazing teens with awesome futures ahead of them if they'll stay close to God. ;)
In some ways I wish I had never loved them so deeply to be so hurt by matters of circumstance. I would love to make them understand what happened, but anymore I don't even know. I know I made mistakes. I know false accusations were made. And I know everyone got hurt. I never ever want to go through that kind of pain again or put anyone through it again.
It's funny, as I was driving to the fellowship of teens tonight I contemplated stopping by to say hi to my old crew... but there are still some apologies left unspoken. There are still some things that won't be forgiven... no matter how often i asked for forgiveness. People have made up their minds about me and will stick to their opinions of me. It grieves me that I can't go back. I wish with everything in me that I could go spend one service with them... just one. That for just a moment we could recapture the way things used to be. but I would be naive to believe such a thing possible.
Now all I can do is look to the future. "forgetting what is behind me, i press on toward the mark." Well, not entirely forgetting what is behind me. For as long as I live I will never forget this special handful of teens. I'll never stop missing them or loving them. I wish they knew how much they impacted me. i wish they could feel the love I have for them. but words cannot express what i feel. Nor would they believe me. :(
So as to end on a positive note, here's to the future and all the wonderful kids I'll meet. I hope they're half as amazing as the ones I left behind. Those are some pretty amazing teens with awesome futures ahead of them if they'll stay close to God. ;)
When the Veil Is Torn (Nov 9, 2009)
I'm sitting in bed wrestling with my soul to go to sleep. I know I can't until i do what I need to do, but I really don't want to. Why does it come to this? I don't do what in my heart I really do want to do? Why do I avoid spending time alone with God? I deliberately find ways to avoid Him. How can this be?! He was the Love of my life for so long, and now I avoid him, just as I would a former love interest. I know this grieves Him. Then I complain and blame everything on Him. He's so jealous for me that he removes anything that stands in the path and blocks me from returning to Him. How could I ever run from such love?
I have been wrestling deep within me over my salvation. I got saved when I was 6 years old... long before I had a past. As good as that may sound to someone on the 'outside' and those who are religious, i think it's awful. Let me explain. I grew up knowing Jesus as my best friend. Yes, that's wonderful. But here's the part that sucks... because I knew Him at such a young age, I took Him for granted. I have had a scripture running over and over in my mind for months now... he who is much will love much... something to that effect. It hit me when i read that, that the reason I love so little is because I don't feel I've been forgiven much. I don't have a history like those who did not grow up outside of the church. Instead, I grew up religious and pious, thinking I'm okay and everyone else is broken. I thought that because I grew up as the "good little christian girl" that I didn't have much that needed to be forgiven. A cuss word slips every now and then. Big deal. But after I spent time with those who have not grown up in the church, a new realization hit me. They are the ones who are blessed. They know what they were before Jesus. They aren't deceived into thinking they are okay. I realized that I do have much I need to be forgiven for. I haven't slept around, done drugs, practiced witchcraft, or any of 'those types' of things. However, i've been critical, harsh, judgmental, angry, bitter, proud, resentful, religious, pious... the list goes on.
As I mentioned, I've been thinking a lot about salvation. My pride tells me, 'oh you have nothing to worry about. You've lived for God all your life.' I've heard two instances in the past month of individuals who had lived the 'christian life' for many years, then one day truly got saved. The other day in counseling I was asked if I really know Jesus. At first my pride wanted to say, "well of course! I've been a christian my whole life!" But the truth is what came out of my mouth. To be honest, I don't. I don't know His character. It's been distorted for a while in my mind. I got comfortable with the notion of God, but I began to ignore Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I would pray to the Father, but never cultivated a relationship with my Savior. Isn't that what Christianity is all about? Relationship... it's a romance with Jesus. If we have no romance with Jesus... no relationship, how can we call ourselves Christians?
As I write this, tears stream down my face. I want to know Jesus, not just about Him. I mean KNOW Him, in an intimate sense as a bride knows her groom. I don't want to be deceived anymore. My pride is telling me not to write the next line, but I'm going to anyway. Tonight I truly asked Jesus into my heart. I'm scared of starting over, getting back to the basics. The other day in counseling I was asked to pray OUT LOUD in tongues. It bothered me a great deal. It embarrassed me. I didn't want to do it and if I could've backed out of it I would've. They made me do it and I was not happy about it. I felt a wall go up and a defiance wash over me, balking at the thought of having to do it. That shouldn't be the case. I didn't realize that asking for healing would bring me back to the very beginning of it all. I hate starting over. It's degrading to me to admit that i've lived my life for the past 8 years for Holley. Sure, before that I lived for God. He had great grace and mercy for me and put up with my moments of self. But as I grew older, I became more and more focused on my SELF.
I was laying here trying to go to sleep and I began, rather reluctantly, to pray. The word "deception" came to mind and I realized that I've been deceiving myself for so long; not just myself but everyone around me. I have been saying that I love God... but when a song saying, "No sweeter Name than the Name of Jesus" or "Jesus I love You" starts to play, I've noticed I won't sing it. I began to ask myself why. It's because I know that's not true deep within me. I WANT to love Him, but the truth is I don't. He said Himself, "if you love me, keep my commandments." and what commandments are those? "Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, and mind" and "Love your neighbor as yourself." Wow. pretty hard stuff for me. I can't say I've kept either of those. I am not a loving person. I pretend to be, but the truth of the matter is my focus is on myself. What can I get out of this? What about me? To be honest, God has been so very patient with me. When I've gone to any service where there's prophetic words going out, I am not sitting there praising God and worshipping and thanking Him for what He's doing for others. That's what I SHOULD be doing, but what am I doing? I'm sitting there begging God, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" Seriously... He's been gracious enough to me to speak to me even when I'm being so selfish. Probably because His desire for me is so strong. He knows that if He didn't speak to me when I'm begging Him that I would become angry with Him and become more bitter. How's that for trying to control things? As I've begun this counseling, my focus has been about feeling God's presence again. Why? Because it makes me feel good. I've never taken the time to dissect it. I remember what it FELT like and I miss that. I remember feeling the anointing and how good it felt. That's what I've been pursuing. And I catch myself thinking or saying, "I'll be glad when I'm healed so I can finally meet my Beloved." Once again, self-centered. Sure, i know that when I get better that i'll be effective in ministry. But has that been on my mind much? Not really. I have found that I don't really trust God. To be honest, at this point I shouldn't trust Him. Seriously, how can you trust Someone you don't know? Ouch, hard stuff.
I've pointed fingers for as long as I can remember. "How dare they call themselves Christians?" I would say. At the age of 12 God told me prophetically to have mercy on His ppl. WOW. How many 12 year olds do you know that are that critical and harsh that God would have to speak such a strong word of correction? You would think I would've gotten the message. I keep thinking about a particular person that was in my life that spoke very harshly concerning me and I became offended because they basically questioned my salvation. I was so angry that they would accuse me of not being a real Christian. They said, "Not everyone who cries out Lord, Lord will enter the Kingdom of Heaven." I was so offended by that. How dare they say such a thing to me?! But now... I wish I would've listened and heeded the warning then. God has given me so many chances to heed the warning... and still I remain unchanged. I want to change. I don't want to be hard-hearted anymore. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want to truly KNOW Yeshua (Jesus). I want to experience that Divine Romance. I want my motives to be pure for once, not worrying about what's in it for me, what i can gain. I want to truly be set-apart.
For me, the veil that was torn tonight was deceit. Remember what happened when the veil was torn from the temple? Access to the very presence of God was made possible. Maybe this is the point I needed to reach. I never ever thought I would come to this exact point in my life. I thought the beginning was behind me. Maybe I don't have a past that we church people look down on as "bad," but I do have a past. I would say mine is worse because all along I was walking in piety and deceit. At least those who came from the world recognized the sin in their lives and were able to renounce it. I think I understand a little bit better, "Oh, woe is me! For I am a man of unclean lips." I've known for a while that I was defiled, but I never truly understood what it was. I hope I can keep a repentant posture beyond this moment.
Thanks to those who have shared their stories in the past month that have made this a little bit less humiliating and have pushed me in the right direction. Sometimes you never know the impact you've made on a life.
I have been wrestling deep within me over my salvation. I got saved when I was 6 years old... long before I had a past. As good as that may sound to someone on the 'outside' and those who are religious, i think it's awful. Let me explain. I grew up knowing Jesus as my best friend. Yes, that's wonderful. But here's the part that sucks... because I knew Him at such a young age, I took Him for granted. I have had a scripture running over and over in my mind for months now... he who is much will love much... something to that effect. It hit me when i read that, that the reason I love so little is because I don't feel I've been forgiven much. I don't have a history like those who did not grow up outside of the church. Instead, I grew up religious and pious, thinking I'm okay and everyone else is broken. I thought that because I grew up as the "good little christian girl" that I didn't have much that needed to be forgiven. A cuss word slips every now and then. Big deal. But after I spent time with those who have not grown up in the church, a new realization hit me. They are the ones who are blessed. They know what they were before Jesus. They aren't deceived into thinking they are okay. I realized that I do have much I need to be forgiven for. I haven't slept around, done drugs, practiced witchcraft, or any of 'those types' of things. However, i've been critical, harsh, judgmental, angry, bitter, proud, resentful, religious, pious... the list goes on.
As I mentioned, I've been thinking a lot about salvation. My pride tells me, 'oh you have nothing to worry about. You've lived for God all your life.' I've heard two instances in the past month of individuals who had lived the 'christian life' for many years, then one day truly got saved. The other day in counseling I was asked if I really know Jesus. At first my pride wanted to say, "well of course! I've been a christian my whole life!" But the truth is what came out of my mouth. To be honest, I don't. I don't know His character. It's been distorted for a while in my mind. I got comfortable with the notion of God, but I began to ignore Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I would pray to the Father, but never cultivated a relationship with my Savior. Isn't that what Christianity is all about? Relationship... it's a romance with Jesus. If we have no romance with Jesus... no relationship, how can we call ourselves Christians?
As I write this, tears stream down my face. I want to know Jesus, not just about Him. I mean KNOW Him, in an intimate sense as a bride knows her groom. I don't want to be deceived anymore. My pride is telling me not to write the next line, but I'm going to anyway. Tonight I truly asked Jesus into my heart. I'm scared of starting over, getting back to the basics. The other day in counseling I was asked to pray OUT LOUD in tongues. It bothered me a great deal. It embarrassed me. I didn't want to do it and if I could've backed out of it I would've. They made me do it and I was not happy about it. I felt a wall go up and a defiance wash over me, balking at the thought of having to do it. That shouldn't be the case. I didn't realize that asking for healing would bring me back to the very beginning of it all. I hate starting over. It's degrading to me to admit that i've lived my life for the past 8 years for Holley. Sure, before that I lived for God. He had great grace and mercy for me and put up with my moments of self. But as I grew older, I became more and more focused on my SELF.
I was laying here trying to go to sleep and I began, rather reluctantly, to pray. The word "deception" came to mind and I realized that I've been deceiving myself for so long; not just myself but everyone around me. I have been saying that I love God... but when a song saying, "No sweeter Name than the Name of Jesus" or "Jesus I love You" starts to play, I've noticed I won't sing it. I began to ask myself why. It's because I know that's not true deep within me. I WANT to love Him, but the truth is I don't. He said Himself, "if you love me, keep my commandments." and what commandments are those? "Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, and mind" and "Love your neighbor as yourself." Wow. pretty hard stuff for me. I can't say I've kept either of those. I am not a loving person. I pretend to be, but the truth of the matter is my focus is on myself. What can I get out of this? What about me? To be honest, God has been so very patient with me. When I've gone to any service where there's prophetic words going out, I am not sitting there praising God and worshipping and thanking Him for what He's doing for others. That's what I SHOULD be doing, but what am I doing? I'm sitting there begging God, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" Seriously... He's been gracious enough to me to speak to me even when I'm being so selfish. Probably because His desire for me is so strong. He knows that if He didn't speak to me when I'm begging Him that I would become angry with Him and become more bitter. How's that for trying to control things? As I've begun this counseling, my focus has been about feeling God's presence again. Why? Because it makes me feel good. I've never taken the time to dissect it. I remember what it FELT like and I miss that. I remember feeling the anointing and how good it felt. That's what I've been pursuing. And I catch myself thinking or saying, "I'll be glad when I'm healed so I can finally meet my Beloved." Once again, self-centered. Sure, i know that when I get better that i'll be effective in ministry. But has that been on my mind much? Not really. I have found that I don't really trust God. To be honest, at this point I shouldn't trust Him. Seriously, how can you trust Someone you don't know? Ouch, hard stuff.
I've pointed fingers for as long as I can remember. "How dare they call themselves Christians?" I would say. At the age of 12 God told me prophetically to have mercy on His ppl. WOW. How many 12 year olds do you know that are that critical and harsh that God would have to speak such a strong word of correction? You would think I would've gotten the message. I keep thinking about a particular person that was in my life that spoke very harshly concerning me and I became offended because they basically questioned my salvation. I was so angry that they would accuse me of not being a real Christian. They said, "Not everyone who cries out Lord, Lord will enter the Kingdom of Heaven." I was so offended by that. How dare they say such a thing to me?! But now... I wish I would've listened and heeded the warning then. God has given me so many chances to heed the warning... and still I remain unchanged. I want to change. I don't want to be hard-hearted anymore. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want to truly KNOW Yeshua (Jesus). I want to experience that Divine Romance. I want my motives to be pure for once, not worrying about what's in it for me, what i can gain. I want to truly be set-apart.
For me, the veil that was torn tonight was deceit. Remember what happened when the veil was torn from the temple? Access to the very presence of God was made possible. Maybe this is the point I needed to reach. I never ever thought I would come to this exact point in my life. I thought the beginning was behind me. Maybe I don't have a past that we church people look down on as "bad," but I do have a past. I would say mine is worse because all along I was walking in piety and deceit. At least those who came from the world recognized the sin in their lives and were able to renounce it. I think I understand a little bit better, "Oh, woe is me! For I am a man of unclean lips." I've known for a while that I was defiled, but I never truly understood what it was. I hope I can keep a repentant posture beyond this moment.
Thanks to those who have shared their stories in the past month that have made this a little bit less humiliating and have pushed me in the right direction. Sometimes you never know the impact you've made on a life.
Inside Out (Nov 19,2009)
WOW. So day before yesterday I woke up in a REALLY bad mood. Then mom said she hoped I wouldn't give up on God. That started me thinking. I was at that point. I've come to a dead end and just wanted to give up. Mom felt like God was telling her that I was angry with Him that He didn't fulfill His promise to me about my Beloved. Maybe that's true. In fact, seeing as how that's what I whine about most, I would say that's dead on. Anyway, He (through my mom) reminded me of a prophecy from about 2 years ago. I was so excited because I was told, "you've waited long enough." I really thought that everything was going to change, that I'd finally have my Beloved. After all, there are only 2 things I've been waiting for... restoration and my Beloved. I interpreted it to mean the latter.... but I interpreted wrong. Somehow I suppose I forgot the former was something else I was waiting on. When 2008, then 2009 came and went, I became angry that I was still alone; bitter that God blessed everyone around me with the one thing I wanted most.
I don't know what spurred it, but while I was watching House tonight... at some point I remembered that I wrote that prophecy down. Ironically the notebook I wrote it in just happened to be on the bed next to me. I opened the notebook (reserved only for spiritual matters, notes, etc) and began reading the first page (dated Oct. 4, 2007)
"It is when we are in the valley, where we prove whether we will be the choice ones, that most of us turn back... We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to have the vision 'battr'd to shaped and use' by God? The batterings always come in commonplace ways and through commonplace people. There are times when we do know what God's purpose is; whether we will let the vision be turned into actual character depends on us, not upon God. If we prefer to loll on the mount and live in the memory of the vision, we will be of no use actually in the ordinary stuff of which human life is made up... (God) must dominate... No human being knows human being as God does." --Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
About three pages later, I find the prophecy written from memory later the night that the prophecy was given. I know I didn't remember every single thing. But I wrote down the parts I did remember. January 5, 2008 God spoke through Michelle Pace, who at the time knew very little of me, to me during a very rough time in my life. I was angry and hurting, but went to the Burn hoping God would meet me in a powerful way and minister to me. He did. He spoke through Michelle the most powerful words I have heard in a long time, before and since. He began by saying to me, "You are not alone." That alone made me bawl like a baby. He said He was giving me a new strength like I've never known before. He said i would experience a new passion and intimacy with Him like I've never known before. He said, "I am going to turn you inside out and remind you of deep, hidden things." At the time, I didn't really realize what He was saying. If I would've know that it was going to be a painful process, I wouldn't have been so eager to accept it. But here I am, nearly 2 years later and I'm reading those words with my jaw nearly scraping the floor. How did I forget that? That's exactly what is being done to me... I'm being turned inside out. Every ugly thing in me is being exposed. I thought then that being turned inside out and being reminded of "deep, hidden things" meant that the softness that is truly in my heart would come to the surface (with no action on my part, i must add) and that the 'deep, hidden things' were talents, good things... Now I see it so differently. Yes, the softness in my heart is what God wants to bring to the outside. But I wasn't aware of the pain of being turned inside out, having everything exposed, being vulnerable for everyone to pick at my vital organs. I wasn't aware that the 'deep, hidden things" He was going to reveal were painful things that I've long left buried. Damage done to my heart that I never dealt with. Now I see it all so clearly. The prophecy also said, 'this is a year of new beginnings.' I thought I would be turning over a new leaf and everything was suddenly going to change for me for the better. WRONG! At that point I headed into this rabbit hole, and i keep going deeper and deeper. The walls are closing in around me and it's getting darker and darker. It's a new beginning alright, but not the kind I would've chosen. It was the beginning of this painful healing process. Now I think I understand a little bit better.
I'm not inside out yet. I've been fighting the process. It hurts to be cut into for surgery. It hurts to heal. Some people just after surgery wish they could just die to end the pain. But in the long run, once the scars have healed and the damage is repaired, they are happy to have done it. They wouldn't trade their new chance at life for the world. I'm not to that point yet.
Lately I've felt like giving up... giving up on God and on life. When it comes right down to it, it's not God I lack faith in... it's me. I don't have a problem believing God can heal me. I have a problem believing I can change. You see, I'm not a disciplined person. If I get bored with something or just don't like it, I give up on it. I've never stuck with anything. Sure, i have good intentions and may go a few months on the right track with something... but somewhere along the line I get off track and never get back on until I'm way off track. Then I may attempt again to make the necessary change. It's always the same... I always go back to the way I was before. It's overwhelming to me to think of taking the necessary steps to change. I can't see it. I know that God is a gentleman and that He won't force us to do something. He can't just change me without me putting forth the effort to change. I just worry that I won't... I don't have much faith in myself. Thinking about such an overwhelming feat makes me feel defeated already. Then I give up hope of ever being the person I'm truly meant to be. That's where I've been lately.
Tonight, I don't feel like giving up. Will that change tomorrow? I hope not but knowing me it's highly possible. Tonight I have hope that God knew two years ago that I would be struggling just as I am right now; that He would shake my world and turn it upside down, thus turning me inside out. So if 2 years ago, He knew and told me what He was going to do, then that gives me hope that He's not as far away as I thought. And maybe He's not angry with me like I've believed, for being such an awful bride. Lately my relationship with God has felt more like an arranged marriage than one created out of relationship and intimacy. I wonder how many other Christians feel that way? I don't want it to be that way. I want to desire a relationship with Him again... not just go through the motions and pretend to want something that i don't feel. I want everything to be as good as it was with God as when I was in high school, if not better. I want to love God again. I guess somewhere deep inside me I must or I wouldn't be struggling.
I keep thinking about gold in the fire... the dross coming to the surface. There's a lot of dross coming to the surface and it's not a pretty sight to behold. There's a sifting going on and it's quite painful. I hope it's over soon. I wish i could just surrender to it and cooperate and stop fighting it so hard. I guess we'll find out.
Michelle, if you're reading this, thank you for pouring into my life and being obedient to the Holy Spirit. I would venture to guess that your obedience has saved my life... literally. Thank you!
I don't know what spurred it, but while I was watching House tonight... at some point I remembered that I wrote that prophecy down. Ironically the notebook I wrote it in just happened to be on the bed next to me. I opened the notebook (reserved only for spiritual matters, notes, etc) and began reading the first page (dated Oct. 4, 2007)
"It is when we are in the valley, where we prove whether we will be the choice ones, that most of us turn back... We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to have the vision 'battr'd to shaped and use' by God? The batterings always come in commonplace ways and through commonplace people. There are times when we do know what God's purpose is; whether we will let the vision be turned into actual character depends on us, not upon God. If we prefer to loll on the mount and live in the memory of the vision, we will be of no use actually in the ordinary stuff of which human life is made up... (God) must dominate... No human being knows human being as God does." --Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
About three pages later, I find the prophecy written from memory later the night that the prophecy was given. I know I didn't remember every single thing. But I wrote down the parts I did remember. January 5, 2008 God spoke through Michelle Pace, who at the time knew very little of me, to me during a very rough time in my life. I was angry and hurting, but went to the Burn hoping God would meet me in a powerful way and minister to me. He did. He spoke through Michelle the most powerful words I have heard in a long time, before and since. He began by saying to me, "You are not alone." That alone made me bawl like a baby. He said He was giving me a new strength like I've never known before. He said i would experience a new passion and intimacy with Him like I've never known before. He said, "I am going to turn you inside out and remind you of deep, hidden things." At the time, I didn't really realize what He was saying. If I would've know that it was going to be a painful process, I wouldn't have been so eager to accept it. But here I am, nearly 2 years later and I'm reading those words with my jaw nearly scraping the floor. How did I forget that? That's exactly what is being done to me... I'm being turned inside out. Every ugly thing in me is being exposed. I thought then that being turned inside out and being reminded of "deep, hidden things" meant that the softness that is truly in my heart would come to the surface (with no action on my part, i must add) and that the 'deep, hidden things' were talents, good things... Now I see it so differently. Yes, the softness in my heart is what God wants to bring to the outside. But I wasn't aware of the pain of being turned inside out, having everything exposed, being vulnerable for everyone to pick at my vital organs. I wasn't aware that the 'deep, hidden things" He was going to reveal were painful things that I've long left buried. Damage done to my heart that I never dealt with. Now I see it all so clearly. The prophecy also said, 'this is a year of new beginnings.' I thought I would be turning over a new leaf and everything was suddenly going to change for me for the better. WRONG! At that point I headed into this rabbit hole, and i keep going deeper and deeper. The walls are closing in around me and it's getting darker and darker. It's a new beginning alright, but not the kind I would've chosen. It was the beginning of this painful healing process. Now I think I understand a little bit better.
I'm not inside out yet. I've been fighting the process. It hurts to be cut into for surgery. It hurts to heal. Some people just after surgery wish they could just die to end the pain. But in the long run, once the scars have healed and the damage is repaired, they are happy to have done it. They wouldn't trade their new chance at life for the world. I'm not to that point yet.
Lately I've felt like giving up... giving up on God and on life. When it comes right down to it, it's not God I lack faith in... it's me. I don't have a problem believing God can heal me. I have a problem believing I can change. You see, I'm not a disciplined person. If I get bored with something or just don't like it, I give up on it. I've never stuck with anything. Sure, i have good intentions and may go a few months on the right track with something... but somewhere along the line I get off track and never get back on until I'm way off track. Then I may attempt again to make the necessary change. It's always the same... I always go back to the way I was before. It's overwhelming to me to think of taking the necessary steps to change. I can't see it. I know that God is a gentleman and that He won't force us to do something. He can't just change me without me putting forth the effort to change. I just worry that I won't... I don't have much faith in myself. Thinking about such an overwhelming feat makes me feel defeated already. Then I give up hope of ever being the person I'm truly meant to be. That's where I've been lately.
Tonight, I don't feel like giving up. Will that change tomorrow? I hope not but knowing me it's highly possible. Tonight I have hope that God knew two years ago that I would be struggling just as I am right now; that He would shake my world and turn it upside down, thus turning me inside out. So if 2 years ago, He knew and told me what He was going to do, then that gives me hope that He's not as far away as I thought. And maybe He's not angry with me like I've believed, for being such an awful bride. Lately my relationship with God has felt more like an arranged marriage than one created out of relationship and intimacy. I wonder how many other Christians feel that way? I don't want it to be that way. I want to desire a relationship with Him again... not just go through the motions and pretend to want something that i don't feel. I want everything to be as good as it was with God as when I was in high school, if not better. I want to love God again. I guess somewhere deep inside me I must or I wouldn't be struggling.
I keep thinking about gold in the fire... the dross coming to the surface. There's a lot of dross coming to the surface and it's not a pretty sight to behold. There's a sifting going on and it's quite painful. I hope it's over soon. I wish i could just surrender to it and cooperate and stop fighting it so hard. I guess we'll find out.
Michelle, if you're reading this, thank you for pouring into my life and being obedient to the Holy Spirit. I would venture to guess that your obedience has saved my life... literally. Thank you!
Guard Your Heart (Dec 2, 2009)
We've all heard, "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Those of us who have been hurt latch onto that scripture as an excuse to shut everyone out, to build walls to protect ourselves. We push people away and then say, 'well, i'm just guarding my heart.' But what does that scripture REALLY mean? Building walls and keeping people out: NO.
I felt God saying to me last spring after a breakup, "Guard your heart." I kept seeing the scripture everywhere and it resonated in my spirit and my mind for weeks. I wondered, "what am I not getting about this?" At the time I was not attending church anywhere and had no one to turn to. I was angry at those I would normally turn to. I was hurt beyond what I thought I could bear, not from the breakup but from events that occurred before the breakup. Then the breakup just topped it all off. I thought, "How can I become any more guarded? I have closed myself off from everyone that could hurt me. I couldn't possibly be any more guarded than I am now." I had even come up with excuses to not speak to my best friend... I was angry with her and everyone else. I was completely alone. Still I kept hearing it, "GUARD YOUR HEART!" I didn't get it. I couldn't trust anyone to guide me... except that at that time we were looking to move to Sallisaw, OK. I was seeking out a church there to get involved with and was communicating with the pastor at a non-denom church. I emailed him one day and asked, "how do you guard your heart?" He referred me to his wife, who had studied the scripture to a greater extent. She sent me her notes from a women's retreat she had ministered at. Basically she said that you have to guard your heart from the things that would kill it... She said that the way you guard your heart is to "take captive every thought that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ." I don't think I completely grasped the concept. She said that you had to protect your heart by controlling what you think about.
Now, ten months later I'm beginning to grasp what it means to guard your heart. Dear ones, you're not trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. Instead, you're supposed to be guarding your heart from... wait for it... OFFENSE. When roots of bitterness get into your heart, they choke out the very life you're fighting to protect. I've let that weed take over my heart, so I can say this from experience. My thought life was all about my pain... how alone I was... how hurt I was... how horrible those people were for hurting me... how I always seemed to be treated the same way by everyone. My thought life cultivated fertile ground for bitter roots. I didn't guard my heart. Instead I opened it wide up. The Word says not to go to bed angry or the devil will get a foothold. I don't think we truly think about what that means. It means, every single day, to let everything go. Forgive those who have hurt you. Stop replaying the pain over and over again. Because when you do, you're letting that seed of bitterness get down into your heart, thus creating a foothold for the devil. Suddenly you become his puppet, not God's servant. Suddenly you begin lashing out in hate and discontent, not love and mercy. You think you're being scriptural because you're protecting your heart from getting hurt. But you're so far from the truth. You're deceived. I was deceived.
I am now having to learn to let go of all that crap that i've harbored. I have allowed that offense to choke out the life that used to be where my heart was. I'm numb and more miserable than I've ever been. Why? Because I didn't guard my heart from the tic, the weed of offense and bitterness. I want to keep others from getting to the point where I am. I don't want anyone else to have to know the misery of what it is to be hidden behind a dark, dank wall. It's a horrible prison that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Nobody should know the misery of being walled in like this. I want to issue a warning to guard your heart. Don't let it be choked out by offense and bitterness. The more you think about it and harbor it, the more it will take over. Don't forget, your heart is the wellspring of life. Guard it with your life. Don't let the enemy get a foothold. Let go of your pain. Cast your cares on Him. Take yourself off the judgment seat and put God back on the throne. Let Him be the judge. Vengeance is His. It is not hurting the people that hurt you for you to not forgive them. They don't care. It's just hurting you and those who love you. Forgive them. What does that mean? I'll tell you first what it DOESN'T mean. It DOESN'T mean that what they did to you is okay and should go unpunished. It does not mean that they are getting away scott free. It simply means that you are letting God be the judge and you are removing your hands from around their neck.
Many of you have had some extreme hurts. Some of you have been holding onto those hurts for years, like I have. Some of you have recently experienced some kind of hurt. For those who have recently been hurt, it will be easier for you to let go of it now and cut out the root before it grows. For those of you who have held onto those hurts for a long time, it will take more work for you to let go and heal. I don't have all the answers. I'm still trying to heal too. But I am hoping that maybe I can reach you before you get to where I'm at. I was told I'm too young to be so cynical. That reveals an offended, shriveled, cold heart. The heart that's guarded from the weeds will flourish. It will continue to love and be vulnerable, though there's the risk of getting hurt again. The guarded heart will realize, "I'm not big enough to protect myself from getting hurt without hurting myself, but I know the One who is." I'm beginning to learn to see Jesus as a protective lover. Girls, can you imagine if you're out with a man who's madly in love with you. Suddenly, from a dark alley comes this awful horrible man with a knife... his ultimate goal is to harm you, to take your life from you. He wants to strip you of everything, reveal your naked body to the world, and mutilate you. He means to do you the most imaginable harm. You're not strong enough to fight him off. You don't have a way to defend yourself. But suddenly, your knight in shining armor steps in front of you. He fights for you and scares off the would-be attacker. THAT is what Jesus wants to do for you. He's madly in love with you. Stop trying to defend yourself and let Him be the Man. Stop trying to control your life. You'll just make it worse. You will lose when you try to do it in your own power. Admit your weakness. You are not big enough. But He is. Let Him pursue you. Let Him pull you up into His strong arms. When you're hurt, take it to Him. He happens to be an amazing counselor and physician. He has it all. He's the ultimate lover. Begin to see Him as a man who is desperately in love with you, not just as an invisible father figure in the sky.
I felt God saying to me last spring after a breakup, "Guard your heart." I kept seeing the scripture everywhere and it resonated in my spirit and my mind for weeks. I wondered, "what am I not getting about this?" At the time I was not attending church anywhere and had no one to turn to. I was angry at those I would normally turn to. I was hurt beyond what I thought I could bear, not from the breakup but from events that occurred before the breakup. Then the breakup just topped it all off. I thought, "How can I become any more guarded? I have closed myself off from everyone that could hurt me. I couldn't possibly be any more guarded than I am now." I had even come up with excuses to not speak to my best friend... I was angry with her and everyone else. I was completely alone. Still I kept hearing it, "GUARD YOUR HEART!" I didn't get it. I couldn't trust anyone to guide me... except that at that time we were looking to move to Sallisaw, OK. I was seeking out a church there to get involved with and was communicating with the pastor at a non-denom church. I emailed him one day and asked, "how do you guard your heart?" He referred me to his wife, who had studied the scripture to a greater extent. She sent me her notes from a women's retreat she had ministered at. Basically she said that you have to guard your heart from the things that would kill it... She said that the way you guard your heart is to "take captive every thought that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ." I don't think I completely grasped the concept. She said that you had to protect your heart by controlling what you think about.
Now, ten months later I'm beginning to grasp what it means to guard your heart. Dear ones, you're not trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. Instead, you're supposed to be guarding your heart from... wait for it... OFFENSE. When roots of bitterness get into your heart, they choke out the very life you're fighting to protect. I've let that weed take over my heart, so I can say this from experience. My thought life was all about my pain... how alone I was... how hurt I was... how horrible those people were for hurting me... how I always seemed to be treated the same way by everyone. My thought life cultivated fertile ground for bitter roots. I didn't guard my heart. Instead I opened it wide up. The Word says not to go to bed angry or the devil will get a foothold. I don't think we truly think about what that means. It means, every single day, to let everything go. Forgive those who have hurt you. Stop replaying the pain over and over again. Because when you do, you're letting that seed of bitterness get down into your heart, thus creating a foothold for the devil. Suddenly you become his puppet, not God's servant. Suddenly you begin lashing out in hate and discontent, not love and mercy. You think you're being scriptural because you're protecting your heart from getting hurt. But you're so far from the truth. You're deceived. I was deceived.
I am now having to learn to let go of all that crap that i've harbored. I have allowed that offense to choke out the life that used to be where my heart was. I'm numb and more miserable than I've ever been. Why? Because I didn't guard my heart from the tic, the weed of offense and bitterness. I want to keep others from getting to the point where I am. I don't want anyone else to have to know the misery of what it is to be hidden behind a dark, dank wall. It's a horrible prison that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Nobody should know the misery of being walled in like this. I want to issue a warning to guard your heart. Don't let it be choked out by offense and bitterness. The more you think about it and harbor it, the more it will take over. Don't forget, your heart is the wellspring of life. Guard it with your life. Don't let the enemy get a foothold. Let go of your pain. Cast your cares on Him. Take yourself off the judgment seat and put God back on the throne. Let Him be the judge. Vengeance is His. It is not hurting the people that hurt you for you to not forgive them. They don't care. It's just hurting you and those who love you. Forgive them. What does that mean? I'll tell you first what it DOESN'T mean. It DOESN'T mean that what they did to you is okay and should go unpunished. It does not mean that they are getting away scott free. It simply means that you are letting God be the judge and you are removing your hands from around their neck.
Many of you have had some extreme hurts. Some of you have been holding onto those hurts for years, like I have. Some of you have recently experienced some kind of hurt. For those who have recently been hurt, it will be easier for you to let go of it now and cut out the root before it grows. For those of you who have held onto those hurts for a long time, it will take more work for you to let go and heal. I don't have all the answers. I'm still trying to heal too. But I am hoping that maybe I can reach you before you get to where I'm at. I was told I'm too young to be so cynical. That reveals an offended, shriveled, cold heart. The heart that's guarded from the weeds will flourish. It will continue to love and be vulnerable, though there's the risk of getting hurt again. The guarded heart will realize, "I'm not big enough to protect myself from getting hurt without hurting myself, but I know the One who is." I'm beginning to learn to see Jesus as a protective lover. Girls, can you imagine if you're out with a man who's madly in love with you. Suddenly, from a dark alley comes this awful horrible man with a knife... his ultimate goal is to harm you, to take your life from you. He wants to strip you of everything, reveal your naked body to the world, and mutilate you. He means to do you the most imaginable harm. You're not strong enough to fight him off. You don't have a way to defend yourself. But suddenly, your knight in shining armor steps in front of you. He fights for you and scares off the would-be attacker. THAT is what Jesus wants to do for you. He's madly in love with you. Stop trying to defend yourself and let Him be the Man. Stop trying to control your life. You'll just make it worse. You will lose when you try to do it in your own power. Admit your weakness. You are not big enough. But He is. Let Him pursue you. Let Him pull you up into His strong arms. When you're hurt, take it to Him. He happens to be an amazing counselor and physician. He has it all. He's the ultimate lover. Begin to see Him as a man who is desperately in love with you, not just as an invisible father figure in the sky.
The Search For True Love (Dec 18, 2009)
Throughout life, we are on a mission. All of us go through each day searching, seeking, wondering if the mission is lost. Is it really out there? Can we really find it? Our mission: seeking true love. We look for it in each face that passes us. We listen for it in every baby's cry, every song, every voice that speaks to us. We watch for signs that it has found us. Is it really that easy? Does it seek us out as well? Sometimes it doesn't feel that way. Sometimes it feels like a figment of our imagination, the mirage in the desert. Our souls are thirsty and longing for just a tiny sip of the goodness Love has to offer. We walk through the desert thirsty and longing, even seeking out those awful cacti, braving the thorns for a taste of that cool refreshing water.
But in the distance, I hear a faint cry. "Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters;" And we hear the sound of many rushing waters. We hear the compassion in the Voice and we hear the sound of the very thing we are longing for: True Love. So we run through the desert to the beckoning call, "Come closer, Come closer."
But of course in every good story there's an antagonist. In this dry barren wasteland, there is a snake, a terrible poisonous viper slinking along beside us. He slithers up to us and hisses, "It's just another mirage. There's no water out here. You're stuck here. You will die here just as the children of Israel died in the desert. Who do you think you are? You don't deserve to taste of the water. Look where you're at! Your hunger for Love brought you here in the first place. And where has that gotten you? You've been wandering around, lost and thirsty and still haven't found what you're looking for. You'll never find it. There is no water. There is no promised land. You will die in this dry barren wasteland."
So we lose sight of the Voice calling out to us. We turn in another direction, mourning at our defeat, chiding ourselves for being so stupid as to have thought we really heard a voice offering the very thing we longed for. We wander further into the desert, lost and alone and without hope. Soon we find ourselves setting up camp there, digging our graves for surely we will die in this dreadful place.
What's that sound? Is it just my imagination? Do I really hear water running? No, surely it's just another mirage. I've pricked my fingers on too many thorns looking for water. Now I associate water with pain. What if I do find the water? Will it mercilessly drown me? But still i hear the sound of many rushing waters. And with great fear and trepidation, I turn back toward the sound of the waters. I can see a waterfall in my minds eye. I see beautiful vegetation. I can hear the birds chirping and the crash of the water on the rocks. The current is strong and powerful. Do I dare follow the sound of the voice to what could be the death of me? Do I seek out the waters I so long for at the price of my own demise? Or do I sit in this dry barren wasteland dreaming of what could be, what should be?
I choose to hear the sound. The waters are the True Love I'm seeking. Though satisfying for a short time, the pain of getting pricked by the cacti is barely worth the few drops I find. Can I trust again? Can I hope again? Can I love again? I feel so numb, so weary from this desert wind. I've been beaten. I can even hear the vultures calling out to one another as they circle me. Do they smell the rank scent of death on me? Oh God, I need to bathe. There it is again, I need the water. So I pick up what I have left, and I run toward the Sound. Even if it kills me, I have to find out if it's real. The journey has got to be far better than sitting here waiting to die, digging my own grave.
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." There's that Voice again. I'm very weary. I've got so many burdens on my shoulders, things i've picked up in the desert; things i've brought with me from Egypt. They're so heavy. I think I need to drop them so I can run. There it goes, the first piece of luggage... self-seeking behavior. I struggle to let it go. I've carried that for so long. It will be strange to leave it here in the desert. But it's the heaviest piece I carry. I must drop it if i want to pursue the waters. A few more steps and i realize yet again, my load is still too heavy. I want to run but i can barely walk with all this weight. Which one will I choose now? There goes my pride. I can't do it on my own. I do need help. But I've always been independent. I've never been able to trust anyone to help me. Everyone else is so self-seeking that they don't notice me. How can I let go of my pride and ask for help? That requires being vulnerable. What if I lay this down and no one helps me? Then what will I do? Okay... here it goes. *drops the heavy stone of pride* Wow, my shoulders feel a lot better, but i feel really naked without self sufficiency and looking out for myself. What if these vultures decide to kill me? Why can't I already be at the water? Why do I have to walk so far? Hmmm I'm impatient. I guess I need to lay that down too. I struggle. How will I walk without these weights I've carried so long? I've carried them for so long that I can't imagine how I will be able to balance my light frame without them.
Man, I can just see all my former friends there at the riverside. That's just not fair. They've been there the whole time and here I am in these rags and dirty from head to toe. Oh, hello jealousy and envy. I don't think you're very good companions for this trip. I think you should stay here. I don't want to carry you anymore. You're too heavy and you add more weight that will keep me from reaching the waters. Man, i feel lighter already!
Suddenly a windstorm strikes. Oh no, i've let go of all those heavy things I've carried so long. the dirt is pelting me and I can barely keep my balance. What will I do now? "Be still," calls the Voice. What?! You want me to be still and get beat up? Suddenly, I realize the Voice is not speaking to me, but to the storm. Oh, hey, there's power in that voice! Wow! Hmmm... what else is weighing me down? I've got to see the Face attached to that voice! One by one, i let go of the things that have weighed me down, things I've carried for years that have felt like they were a part of me. I leave them like breadcrumbs in the desert. No, I have no intentions of coming back this way. I leave them so others will find their way to the Voice. I hope they will not pick them up, but realize they need to lay down their heavy burdens as well.
I get closer to the Sound. Mmmm I can hear the waters lapping over the rocks, crashing along the side of the rivers. I can just imagine jumping into those cool, sweet waters and letting them wash the dirt of the desert away. Can you hear it? Can you see the beautiful flowers? Can you see the strong trees planted by the river's edge with their roots deep down, soaking up the water? Can you see the fish swimming? What's that? Children's laughter. Oh what a beautiful sound! I hear a baby cooing and a mother singing sweetly to her child. What's that smell? Oh man, I haven't eaten real food in a while. I can just imagine a table full of food. I smell fresh baked bread with butter slowly melting on top of it and running down the sides. I can see a beautiful array of fine meats, perfectly golden and steam rolling off, letting the aroma drift through the air. Oh and the cookies and pies! This looks like a banquet for Kings and Queens! Oh, just for a taste of that sweet honey on a roll!
Suddenly, I feel something touching me. What's this? Why are you stripping me? You're taking away my clothes? You're exposing my nakedness? Is this some kind of trick?! Wait a minute, what are you doing. What's that? A robe... now that's more like it. I sure don't want anyone seeing how malnourished I am, or seeing the scars. But the One who stripped me saw them. What is He thinking of me? I feel ashamed and fearful, knowing He's seen the festering wounds. Where are you taking me? Why are we going away from the water? What's that cave?
Oh, how nice. There's a fire inside the cave. It's not as dark as I thought it would be. And look, there's a tub! Oh hallelujah I can get clean in privacy! Except, there's the One who is bathing me. Oh, I don't know about this. Talk about vulnerability. This is uncomfortable. Oh yeah, I threw away my pride in the desert! Now he's doctoring those wounds, putting salve on them to ease the pain and protect them from the elements. I see the dirt of the desert, of Egypt, being washed down the drain. Oh, my! I've never seen anything quite so beautiful! That gown, that's for me?! But... what if it doesn't fit? Oh, how marvelous! It feels a little big around the middle. Why would You give me a gown that doesn't fit my petite frame? What's this? A crown? But, I'm not a princess... I'm a wanderer who's been lost in the desert! Okay, if you insist... *Approaches the opening of the cave again* Look at all those vibrant colors! Surely they've been here all along, living in the lap of luxury. I wonder if they'll notice that this gown doesn't fit? Surely they'll know I'm an outsider.
"Come, dine with Me," says the Voice, Who has been nearly silent since my arrival. Surely this is a dream. I look for the first time into those eyes. Those are the most magnificent, most amazing sapphires I've ever seen! Those tears, are those for me? Is this compassion I see? Or is it pity? Oh, He's smiling at me now. I can't bear to look into those eyes for another second. That smile is so perfect that I can't help but look away. He leads me to the table, and seats me next to Him. We sit and dine. This is the most amazing meal I've ever had! Now I'm stuffed. Oh, I get it now! That's why the gown was too big! After a few meals like this, it should fit!
Then I hear the voice speaking to me tenderly, in a hushed tone so only I can hear. "I love you. I've been calling to you and watching you as you were in the desert. At first you were so far away from Me that you couldn't hear. So I drew you closer and put those cacti in your path so you would know the way. I used those vultures to urge you closer to My Voice. I've been longing for this day longer than you can ever imagine. I've wanted nothing more than to hold you close, envelope you in my arms, and sing you a love song. Let me heal those hurts."
In disbelief, I answer. "How can I trust you? How do I know that You love me? Those cacti wounded me. Why did you leave me in the desert so long? If You loved me, why didn't You come rescue me from the desert? Why did You leave me alone out there? I could've died!" Ashamed for the harsh words I've spoken, I look away. I wrestle in my mind what to believe. I meant every word I said, but then how can I be angry still? Look at the goodness of how I've been treated since arriving!
"I was there all along. You couldn't see Me. And at times you couldn't hear Me, but i was there. I was protecting you. I knew you would find your way home to Me. But you were too stubborn. You wouldn't have let go of your baggage if I would have come to you in the desert. Yes, the thorns wounded you. But the flesh of the cacti was nourishment to your body and kept you alive. I have sustained You, even when you turned away from My Voice. I've been waiting patiently for you to come and dine with Me. And now here you are! Why keep looking at the past? Look at what's before you. You've found what you've been looking for, so why continue to harbor the things of the desert?"
I sit silent for a long moment, meditating on what He was saying to me. Quietly, He watches in amusement as I begin to understand it. After a long moment of silence between us, He speaks softly to me again.
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. This is who I am. I am Love."
I still can't look Him in the eye. "Wow. I don't know how to love after all. I'm trying to be patient. I'm not always kind. I sometimes envy. I know I laid down my pride but sometimes I still boast. I tend to be rude. I try not to be so self-seeking but old habits die hard. I do get easily angered and I've carried a record of wrongs a mile long. I can see not delighting in evil and rejoicing with the truth. That's not so hard. I'm quite protective. But trust? Are You kidding me? You want me to trust? Sorry, I can't get past this one. Don't you remember those cacti and vultures in the desert? I know You said not to look back, but how can I trust when I've been hurt so much?!"
"You will learn, My favored one. It takes time. But if you realize that I AM Love, and that my plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future; then you will be able to trust Me and know that I have your best interests in mind. I protect you. And dear one, I trust you. I just want you to trust Me. All the rest will fall into place in time."
"Wait a minute, YOU TRUST ME? I don't even trust myself! How can You trust me?"
"I trust you to do the right thing. I trust you to hear My Voice and follow Me. I trust that as you learn to love Me, you will become more like Me. I trust you because you are after My Own Heart. Remember, I love you. You cannot love those whom you cannot trust. But I trust My loved ones. I trust you!"
Then I looked in amazement at the blinding white robe and brilliant purple sash. I see the glistening crown and I stand amazed. This is the King of Kings. And He is paying attention to me... the lost wanderer. I remember the crown on my head. He gave me this beautiful crown. I am not fit to where it in His presence. So I lay it at his feet and begin to weep as I feel His Love wash over me. He lifts my chin and smiles at me. He whispers gently to me, "My favored one, I love you."
We dance by the riverside. I am consumed with His Love and passion for me. How humbling, and how beautiful is His Love for me.
But in the distance, I hear a faint cry. "Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters;" And we hear the sound of many rushing waters. We hear the compassion in the Voice and we hear the sound of the very thing we are longing for: True Love. So we run through the desert to the beckoning call, "Come closer, Come closer."
But of course in every good story there's an antagonist. In this dry barren wasteland, there is a snake, a terrible poisonous viper slinking along beside us. He slithers up to us and hisses, "It's just another mirage. There's no water out here. You're stuck here. You will die here just as the children of Israel died in the desert. Who do you think you are? You don't deserve to taste of the water. Look where you're at! Your hunger for Love brought you here in the first place. And where has that gotten you? You've been wandering around, lost and thirsty and still haven't found what you're looking for. You'll never find it. There is no water. There is no promised land. You will die in this dry barren wasteland."
So we lose sight of the Voice calling out to us. We turn in another direction, mourning at our defeat, chiding ourselves for being so stupid as to have thought we really heard a voice offering the very thing we longed for. We wander further into the desert, lost and alone and without hope. Soon we find ourselves setting up camp there, digging our graves for surely we will die in this dreadful place.
What's that sound? Is it just my imagination? Do I really hear water running? No, surely it's just another mirage. I've pricked my fingers on too many thorns looking for water. Now I associate water with pain. What if I do find the water? Will it mercilessly drown me? But still i hear the sound of many rushing waters. And with great fear and trepidation, I turn back toward the sound of the waters. I can see a waterfall in my minds eye. I see beautiful vegetation. I can hear the birds chirping and the crash of the water on the rocks. The current is strong and powerful. Do I dare follow the sound of the voice to what could be the death of me? Do I seek out the waters I so long for at the price of my own demise? Or do I sit in this dry barren wasteland dreaming of what could be, what should be?
I choose to hear the sound. The waters are the True Love I'm seeking. Though satisfying for a short time, the pain of getting pricked by the cacti is barely worth the few drops I find. Can I trust again? Can I hope again? Can I love again? I feel so numb, so weary from this desert wind. I've been beaten. I can even hear the vultures calling out to one another as they circle me. Do they smell the rank scent of death on me? Oh God, I need to bathe. There it is again, I need the water. So I pick up what I have left, and I run toward the Sound. Even if it kills me, I have to find out if it's real. The journey has got to be far better than sitting here waiting to die, digging my own grave.
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." There's that Voice again. I'm very weary. I've got so many burdens on my shoulders, things i've picked up in the desert; things i've brought with me from Egypt. They're so heavy. I think I need to drop them so I can run. There it goes, the first piece of luggage... self-seeking behavior. I struggle to let it go. I've carried that for so long. It will be strange to leave it here in the desert. But it's the heaviest piece I carry. I must drop it if i want to pursue the waters. A few more steps and i realize yet again, my load is still too heavy. I want to run but i can barely walk with all this weight. Which one will I choose now? There goes my pride. I can't do it on my own. I do need help. But I've always been independent. I've never been able to trust anyone to help me. Everyone else is so self-seeking that they don't notice me. How can I let go of my pride and ask for help? That requires being vulnerable. What if I lay this down and no one helps me? Then what will I do? Okay... here it goes. *drops the heavy stone of pride* Wow, my shoulders feel a lot better, but i feel really naked without self sufficiency and looking out for myself. What if these vultures decide to kill me? Why can't I already be at the water? Why do I have to walk so far? Hmmm I'm impatient. I guess I need to lay that down too. I struggle. How will I walk without these weights I've carried so long? I've carried them for so long that I can't imagine how I will be able to balance my light frame without them.
Man, I can just see all my former friends there at the riverside. That's just not fair. They've been there the whole time and here I am in these rags and dirty from head to toe. Oh, hello jealousy and envy. I don't think you're very good companions for this trip. I think you should stay here. I don't want to carry you anymore. You're too heavy and you add more weight that will keep me from reaching the waters. Man, i feel lighter already!
Suddenly a windstorm strikes. Oh no, i've let go of all those heavy things I've carried so long. the dirt is pelting me and I can barely keep my balance. What will I do now? "Be still," calls the Voice. What?! You want me to be still and get beat up? Suddenly, I realize the Voice is not speaking to me, but to the storm. Oh, hey, there's power in that voice! Wow! Hmmm... what else is weighing me down? I've got to see the Face attached to that voice! One by one, i let go of the things that have weighed me down, things I've carried for years that have felt like they were a part of me. I leave them like breadcrumbs in the desert. No, I have no intentions of coming back this way. I leave them so others will find their way to the Voice. I hope they will not pick them up, but realize they need to lay down their heavy burdens as well.
I get closer to the Sound. Mmmm I can hear the waters lapping over the rocks, crashing along the side of the rivers. I can just imagine jumping into those cool, sweet waters and letting them wash the dirt of the desert away. Can you hear it? Can you see the beautiful flowers? Can you see the strong trees planted by the river's edge with their roots deep down, soaking up the water? Can you see the fish swimming? What's that? Children's laughter. Oh what a beautiful sound! I hear a baby cooing and a mother singing sweetly to her child. What's that smell? Oh man, I haven't eaten real food in a while. I can just imagine a table full of food. I smell fresh baked bread with butter slowly melting on top of it and running down the sides. I can see a beautiful array of fine meats, perfectly golden and steam rolling off, letting the aroma drift through the air. Oh and the cookies and pies! This looks like a banquet for Kings and Queens! Oh, just for a taste of that sweet honey on a roll!
Suddenly, I feel something touching me. What's this? Why are you stripping me? You're taking away my clothes? You're exposing my nakedness? Is this some kind of trick?! Wait a minute, what are you doing. What's that? A robe... now that's more like it. I sure don't want anyone seeing how malnourished I am, or seeing the scars. But the One who stripped me saw them. What is He thinking of me? I feel ashamed and fearful, knowing He's seen the festering wounds. Where are you taking me? Why are we going away from the water? What's that cave?
Oh, how nice. There's a fire inside the cave. It's not as dark as I thought it would be. And look, there's a tub! Oh hallelujah I can get clean in privacy! Except, there's the One who is bathing me. Oh, I don't know about this. Talk about vulnerability. This is uncomfortable. Oh yeah, I threw away my pride in the desert! Now he's doctoring those wounds, putting salve on them to ease the pain and protect them from the elements. I see the dirt of the desert, of Egypt, being washed down the drain. Oh, my! I've never seen anything quite so beautiful! That gown, that's for me?! But... what if it doesn't fit? Oh, how marvelous! It feels a little big around the middle. Why would You give me a gown that doesn't fit my petite frame? What's this? A crown? But, I'm not a princess... I'm a wanderer who's been lost in the desert! Okay, if you insist... *Approaches the opening of the cave again* Look at all those vibrant colors! Surely they've been here all along, living in the lap of luxury. I wonder if they'll notice that this gown doesn't fit? Surely they'll know I'm an outsider.
"Come, dine with Me," says the Voice, Who has been nearly silent since my arrival. Surely this is a dream. I look for the first time into those eyes. Those are the most magnificent, most amazing sapphires I've ever seen! Those tears, are those for me? Is this compassion I see? Or is it pity? Oh, He's smiling at me now. I can't bear to look into those eyes for another second. That smile is so perfect that I can't help but look away. He leads me to the table, and seats me next to Him. We sit and dine. This is the most amazing meal I've ever had! Now I'm stuffed. Oh, I get it now! That's why the gown was too big! After a few meals like this, it should fit!
Then I hear the voice speaking to me tenderly, in a hushed tone so only I can hear. "I love you. I've been calling to you and watching you as you were in the desert. At first you were so far away from Me that you couldn't hear. So I drew you closer and put those cacti in your path so you would know the way. I used those vultures to urge you closer to My Voice. I've been longing for this day longer than you can ever imagine. I've wanted nothing more than to hold you close, envelope you in my arms, and sing you a love song. Let me heal those hurts."
In disbelief, I answer. "How can I trust you? How do I know that You love me? Those cacti wounded me. Why did you leave me in the desert so long? If You loved me, why didn't You come rescue me from the desert? Why did You leave me alone out there? I could've died!" Ashamed for the harsh words I've spoken, I look away. I wrestle in my mind what to believe. I meant every word I said, but then how can I be angry still? Look at the goodness of how I've been treated since arriving!
"I was there all along. You couldn't see Me. And at times you couldn't hear Me, but i was there. I was protecting you. I knew you would find your way home to Me. But you were too stubborn. You wouldn't have let go of your baggage if I would have come to you in the desert. Yes, the thorns wounded you. But the flesh of the cacti was nourishment to your body and kept you alive. I have sustained You, even when you turned away from My Voice. I've been waiting patiently for you to come and dine with Me. And now here you are! Why keep looking at the past? Look at what's before you. You've found what you've been looking for, so why continue to harbor the things of the desert?"
I sit silent for a long moment, meditating on what He was saying to me. Quietly, He watches in amusement as I begin to understand it. After a long moment of silence between us, He speaks softly to me again.
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. This is who I am. I am Love."
I still can't look Him in the eye. "Wow. I don't know how to love after all. I'm trying to be patient. I'm not always kind. I sometimes envy. I know I laid down my pride but sometimes I still boast. I tend to be rude. I try not to be so self-seeking but old habits die hard. I do get easily angered and I've carried a record of wrongs a mile long. I can see not delighting in evil and rejoicing with the truth. That's not so hard. I'm quite protective. But trust? Are You kidding me? You want me to trust? Sorry, I can't get past this one. Don't you remember those cacti and vultures in the desert? I know You said not to look back, but how can I trust when I've been hurt so much?!"
"You will learn, My favored one. It takes time. But if you realize that I AM Love, and that my plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future; then you will be able to trust Me and know that I have your best interests in mind. I protect you. And dear one, I trust you. I just want you to trust Me. All the rest will fall into place in time."
"Wait a minute, YOU TRUST ME? I don't even trust myself! How can You trust me?"
"I trust you to do the right thing. I trust you to hear My Voice and follow Me. I trust that as you learn to love Me, you will become more like Me. I trust you because you are after My Own Heart. Remember, I love you. You cannot love those whom you cannot trust. But I trust My loved ones. I trust you!"
Then I looked in amazement at the blinding white robe and brilliant purple sash. I see the glistening crown and I stand amazed. This is the King of Kings. And He is paying attention to me... the lost wanderer. I remember the crown on my head. He gave me this beautiful crown. I am not fit to where it in His presence. So I lay it at his feet and begin to weep as I feel His Love wash over me. He lifts my chin and smiles at me. He whispers gently to me, "My favored one, I love you."
We dance by the riverside. I am consumed with His Love and passion for me. How humbling, and how beautiful is His Love for me.
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