This has been a sore spot for me for some time. Many people out there are clinically depressed. But the church will tell these people that they don't have enough faith, that they're not holy enough, that they obviously don't have "enough of Jesus" or they wouldn't be depressed. I know because I am one of those people who has suffered from depression and anxiety for a very long time.
There's a stigma on those of us with "mood disorders," especially within the walls of religion. I remember in high school being prayed over for my paranoia, anxiety, and depression. I had not been diagnosed, but I suffered deeply from it. I still do. In 2005, I was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder, which is a mild form of bipolar disorder. DISCLAIMER: bipolar disorder is NOT schizophrenia, nor is it Multiple Personality Disorder. Bipolar disorder is where you are on an emotional roller coaster... you have extreme highs and extreme lows. Bipolar persons do NOT hear voices or have alter egos. So don't get confused by the Hollywood portrayal of Bipolar persons. There are many famous people, such as Robin Williams, who are bipolar.
Okay, now back to my soapbox. As I said, in 2005, I was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder. I've had people pray and pray and rebuke it off of me. I'm still "bipolar," people! It is a chemical disorder in the brain. I have had people tell me that it's demonic, etc., etc. I don't necessarily agree with that. It's simply a misfiring of neurons.
I have known so many people who have become stigmatized by the church because of depression. Instead of cracking the whip and telling us how plagued we are, why not just love us and support us? Chances are, if we had more support from our friends, we wouldn't suffer from AS much depression as we do. The constant beating from religion just crushes people even more. Stop trying to cast out demons and just love and support and pray for us.
So that's my soapbox for today...
From a former slave to religion,
Maegan V.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Life In The Wilderness-A New Thing
Yesterday I discovered that the ihop website has 24/7 live streaming. Now, I still miss intense worship and being able to feel Abba's presence. I know that for individuals, it is real. Sincere hearts, whether chained by religion or not, do not go unnoticed. But as I was watching this live worship service, I began to feel grief. "God, why did you take that away from me?" I whispered, at least once. There were times I just wasn't into what was going on. Rather I was watching the people, thinking, "why are you doing that? You look stupid!" It was almost like watching a ridiculous comedy. I know, I know. Who am I to judge? But seriously, some of the things people do to look "spiritual" looks downright ridiculous. You can tell who is really sincere about what's going on and who's putting on a show. And it was at that point, I couldn't bear to watch any longer. *sigh*
I felt let down. I remember going to the Burn 24/7 worship sets in Shawnee, OK. That was the only place I could find refuge. I couldn't find what I was looking for in the church, but at the Burn it was totally different. God met me there. So, (last night) with a heavy heart, I shut off my computer, feeling lonelier than I have in a while. I felt like I couldn't express my grief to anyone for the fear of being judged. Church people would tell me how I was missing out and that I needed to "get right" with God. People outside the church would want to know why I was still looking towards the IC. I felt lonely... incredibly lonely. I don't fit anywhere. Who could possibly understand?
I asked God to meet me there, in my bedroom. I opened my Bible to read, hoping He would answer me. I don't remember what I opened up to, but it said something to the effect of, "Forget the former things. Don't dwell on the past. See, I'm doing a new thing? Do you not perceive it?" It went on to talk about how He's making streams in the desert and causing life to burst forth there in the wilderness. Each time I opened my Bible, it was a different place, but it was saying the same thing, generally.
I read about people who had eyes to see, but were blind; who had ears to hear, but were deaf. Abba spoke to me and said, "They are not physically blind and deaf; but spiritually so. You are to lead them out of their bondage and into the Freedom I have for them. They are blind to see the chains on them. They are deaf to the lies being told to them. They don't know they have been taken captives. I will open their eyes and their ears, but I need you to help them find their way out." Abba continued to speak to me about the dry barren wasteland. "Yes, I have led you into the dry barren wasteland. I have led you into the Wilderness. But I have not left you with no provisions. I am causing streams to break forth. I am causing vegetation to bloom. The Wilderness you once knew will at once become a garden in which you can revel. You will walk with me in intimacy in the cool of the day, just as Adam and Eve did. I have not abandoned you to be eaten by wild animals. It is in the Wilderness that there is a highway being built: The Way of Holiness. It is only through the wilderness that you will find it. Your wilderness experience may be different from someone else's. But rest assured, the Wilderness is the place to be. I am doing a new thing. Forget the past. Don't grieve for what you think you have lost. I am not there. I am here with you now."
Sometimes I think it's neat how God answers me. I'm hoping that this dry barren wasteland will burst forth with life very soon. I'm praying for a companion to join me. Some days are lonelier than others. But there's no doubt that this wilderness is a very lonely place, despite the fact that there are thousands of us out here traveling. It's so vast, that we each can travel hundreds of miles in any direction and not bump into one another. I'm hoping we begin to find each other soon.
I felt let down. I remember going to the Burn 24/7 worship sets in Shawnee, OK. That was the only place I could find refuge. I couldn't find what I was looking for in the church, but at the Burn it was totally different. God met me there. So, (last night) with a heavy heart, I shut off my computer, feeling lonelier than I have in a while. I felt like I couldn't express my grief to anyone for the fear of being judged. Church people would tell me how I was missing out and that I needed to "get right" with God. People outside the church would want to know why I was still looking towards the IC. I felt lonely... incredibly lonely. I don't fit anywhere. Who could possibly understand?
I asked God to meet me there, in my bedroom. I opened my Bible to read, hoping He would answer me. I don't remember what I opened up to, but it said something to the effect of, "Forget the former things. Don't dwell on the past. See, I'm doing a new thing? Do you not perceive it?" It went on to talk about how He's making streams in the desert and causing life to burst forth there in the wilderness. Each time I opened my Bible, it was a different place, but it was saying the same thing, generally.
I read about people who had eyes to see, but were blind; who had ears to hear, but were deaf. Abba spoke to me and said, "They are not physically blind and deaf; but spiritually so. You are to lead them out of their bondage and into the Freedom I have for them. They are blind to see the chains on them. They are deaf to the lies being told to them. They don't know they have been taken captives. I will open their eyes and their ears, but I need you to help them find their way out." Abba continued to speak to me about the dry barren wasteland. "Yes, I have led you into the dry barren wasteland. I have led you into the Wilderness. But I have not left you with no provisions. I am causing streams to break forth. I am causing vegetation to bloom. The Wilderness you once knew will at once become a garden in which you can revel. You will walk with me in intimacy in the cool of the day, just as Adam and Eve did. I have not abandoned you to be eaten by wild animals. It is in the Wilderness that there is a highway being built: The Way of Holiness. It is only through the wilderness that you will find it. Your wilderness experience may be different from someone else's. But rest assured, the Wilderness is the place to be. I am doing a new thing. Forget the past. Don't grieve for what you think you have lost. I am not there. I am here with you now."
Sometimes I think it's neat how God answers me. I'm hoping that this dry barren wasteland will burst forth with life very soon. I'm praying for a companion to join me. Some days are lonelier than others. But there's no doubt that this wilderness is a very lonely place, despite the fact that there are thousands of us out here traveling. It's so vast, that we each can travel hundreds of miles in any direction and not bump into one another. I'm hoping we begin to find each other soon.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Insomnia and Baby Fever
It's about 1:15 a.m. (Dec 26th, 2011). I went to bed and slept for about 3 hours, but awoke and could not go back to sleep. I was a bit too hot, couldn't get comfortable, and had too many things on my mind. This blog post will be about nothing in particular... more along the lines of free writing. HA. It's an attempt to clear my mind so maybe I will be able to go back to sleep soon.
So, it's been on my heart for a few years to adopt a child. My desire to be a mother outweighs my desire to be a wife. That's almost hard to believe since I have a strong desire to be a wife. When I was in Oklahoma, I went through the process of trying to adopt through DHS. At the time I was turned down because I didn't have enough income. :/ I was very discouraged. It seems that the desire to adopt is a recurring or incessant one. I find myself researching it again and again, hoping to find sources which can help me. I'm specific about the child I want. I want a baby girl who is deaf. I would accept a hearing child just the same, but I really want to mother a deaf child. I hear all the time of children in other countries who live in orphanages, unwanted simply because they are deaf. It breaks my heart. Everything in me wants to go rescue a sweet baby girl. But, alas, I have run into obstacles in my journey. First of all, being a single woman makes it difficult to adopt from some other countries. I know China will only adopt out to couples. Bummer. China is one of the places that has orphanages replete with deaf children, most of whom are girls. But in addition to being single, I'm not wealthy. I do have a good job that allows me to have more than enough to take care of a child. But my credit is terrible. I have student loans out from all those years in college. My credit is in the basement. So of course, no one would finance my venture to adopt. I can't go through the state of NE because they won't adopt out children under the age of 7. I want to adopt a child as young as possible. I want to be the one to imprint on them, to bond with them, to teach them. I don't know that I am strong enough to handle a child who has 7 years of baggage from being in the system. I know those children need loving parents as much as any other child, but I just can't handle that kind of situation.
Each night I "daydream" in order to make myself fall asleep. As I lay thinking, I was daydreaming about adopting a deaf baby. I was thinking about how to teach my child to sign. I was excited as I thought about how many deaf friends I have who could help me be the best parent I could possibly be to a deaf child. I was also thinking about that program with the flashcards that teaches babies to read. I have a friend whose grandson was doing the program and it really worked. The concept is correct: seeing words, not letters. That's how we teach fingerspelling to new ASL students. We try to train them to see the shape of the words instead of looking at individual letters. I was thinking about how I could take those flashcards and pair it with signs and teach my baby to read English and learn ASL at the same time. AWESOME! I guess I got a little excited about the idea, because it was in my sleep and ultimately what woke me up, I think.
Upon waking, I had to send a message to my friend to find out how her grandson was doing with the flashcards. I wanted to know what the name of the program is as well as what kinds of words were on the flashcards. Leave it to me to plan ahead. I'm the kind of woman who has my wedding planned out... I have my wedding dress, bouquet, shoes, you name it. The only thing I don't have is a groom. So it should come as no surprise that I'm nesting baby things now. I already crocheted a baby blanket, booties, and hat for my future baby girl. I plan on crocheting a set for a baby boy too, just in case. I am thinking that I would like to start making my own set of flash cards for my baby. Why spend money on the program when I'm smart enough to make my own? I was also thinking that I really do need to start nesting. What if, by some miracle, I do get to adopt? Then what? I have nothing for a baby... no baby bed, no baby monitor, no baby toys, no baby clothes. So I'm thinking I'm going to start collecting for my baby. I already have a "Beloved Box," which is full of sentimental items for my future husband. I have been writing him letters for probably 10 years now and collecting anything and everything I see that says "Beloved." So why not have a baby box too? I have some items for when my children are older: a tiny tea set, dolls, etc. But I need baby stuff. So I think I'm going to start getting stuff every month and putting back for my baby. That way, should I become a mommy, I'll be prepared. If nothing else, it will give me hope that some day it will happen.
So, it's been on my heart for a few years to adopt a child. My desire to be a mother outweighs my desire to be a wife. That's almost hard to believe since I have a strong desire to be a wife. When I was in Oklahoma, I went through the process of trying to adopt through DHS. At the time I was turned down because I didn't have enough income. :/ I was very discouraged. It seems that the desire to adopt is a recurring or incessant one. I find myself researching it again and again, hoping to find sources which can help me. I'm specific about the child I want. I want a baby girl who is deaf. I would accept a hearing child just the same, but I really want to mother a deaf child. I hear all the time of children in other countries who live in orphanages, unwanted simply because they are deaf. It breaks my heart. Everything in me wants to go rescue a sweet baby girl. But, alas, I have run into obstacles in my journey. First of all, being a single woman makes it difficult to adopt from some other countries. I know China will only adopt out to couples. Bummer. China is one of the places that has orphanages replete with deaf children, most of whom are girls. But in addition to being single, I'm not wealthy. I do have a good job that allows me to have more than enough to take care of a child. But my credit is terrible. I have student loans out from all those years in college. My credit is in the basement. So of course, no one would finance my venture to adopt. I can't go through the state of NE because they won't adopt out children under the age of 7. I want to adopt a child as young as possible. I want to be the one to imprint on them, to bond with them, to teach them. I don't know that I am strong enough to handle a child who has 7 years of baggage from being in the system. I know those children need loving parents as much as any other child, but I just can't handle that kind of situation.
Each night I "daydream" in order to make myself fall asleep. As I lay thinking, I was daydreaming about adopting a deaf baby. I was thinking about how to teach my child to sign. I was excited as I thought about how many deaf friends I have who could help me be the best parent I could possibly be to a deaf child. I was also thinking about that program with the flashcards that teaches babies to read. I have a friend whose grandson was doing the program and it really worked. The concept is correct: seeing words, not letters. That's how we teach fingerspelling to new ASL students. We try to train them to see the shape of the words instead of looking at individual letters. I was thinking about how I could take those flashcards and pair it with signs and teach my baby to read English and learn ASL at the same time. AWESOME! I guess I got a little excited about the idea, because it was in my sleep and ultimately what woke me up, I think.
Upon waking, I had to send a message to my friend to find out how her grandson was doing with the flashcards. I wanted to know what the name of the program is as well as what kinds of words were on the flashcards. Leave it to me to plan ahead. I'm the kind of woman who has my wedding planned out... I have my wedding dress, bouquet, shoes, you name it. The only thing I don't have is a groom. So it should come as no surprise that I'm nesting baby things now. I already crocheted a baby blanket, booties, and hat for my future baby girl. I plan on crocheting a set for a baby boy too, just in case. I am thinking that I would like to start making my own set of flash cards for my baby. Why spend money on the program when I'm smart enough to make my own? I was also thinking that I really do need to start nesting. What if, by some miracle, I do get to adopt? Then what? I have nothing for a baby... no baby bed, no baby monitor, no baby toys, no baby clothes. So I'm thinking I'm going to start collecting for my baby. I already have a "Beloved Box," which is full of sentimental items for my future husband. I have been writing him letters for probably 10 years now and collecting anything and everything I see that says "Beloved." So why not have a baby box too? I have some items for when my children are older: a tiny tea set, dolls, etc. But I need baby stuff. So I think I'm going to start getting stuff every month and putting back for my baby. That way, should I become a mommy, I'll be prepared. If nothing else, it will give me hope that some day it will happen.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Double Standards
I have a soap box to get on. I am really pissed right now. I hear all these christians rising up and complaining that their rights are being violated because people are choosing not to say, "Merry Christmas" so as to not offend anyone. I don't have a problem with this. I think if they want to say Merry Christmas, that's their right and their choice to do so. They don't care if they're offending anyone by not saying it. That's their prerogative. But what is NOT right is the double standard. It's okay for them to shove their theology and cute little story about 3 wise men looking at a baby in a manger (which btw, is not biblically correct) down everyone's throat. But they do not respect the rights of those of us who do not celebrate christmas to voice our beliefs.
It would be one thing if I was being hateful and telling everyone to take their christmas and shove it, etc. etc. I have not done that. My problem with christmas is that it is a pagan holiday. I have no problem with the festivities of the season. i have no problem with the music, decorations, santa, and all of the fun stuff that goes along with it. I'm not going to be overly religious about it and shun the whole season. I love the season just as much as anyone else. My family and I do gift exchanges and participate in others' celebration of the holiday season. However, it is my right to not celebrate "christmas" like everyone else does. I celebrate my Savior everyday; I do not need to associate my King with a pagan deity who was born on Dec. 25th. Yes, I get aggravated when I hear the same old twisted tale of Yeshua's birth (there were not 3 wise men; and by the time the astrologers and kings (a vast army of them) reached Him, he was approximately 2 years old.) I do get frustrated, but I do not attack others about it. I just choose not to read about it. I accept that it is some peoples' choice to believe the story Religion has told them. That's fine for them, but it's not for me.
It amazes me how Christians expect everyone to respect their rights, but they do not respect anyone else's. Do not attack me or psychoanalyze me because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I celebrate every season. I do not devote just one day a year to my King. I devote every day to Him. I am not a heathen because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I do enjoy the festivities, but I choose not to christianize a pagan holiday. It seems to be okay for Christians to shun Halloween because they claim it's the devil's day or a pagan holiday. Yet God forbid you speak against their beloved Christmas. You don't have to agree with me, but I do expect you to respect my decision to not celebrate it. It is something Abba has revealed to me. I don't expect anyone else to give up Christmas. I know it's a lot to ask. I don't think that it's something that will send you to hell or anything like that. I simply choose not to out of respect. I don't push my beliefs on anyone. You have the right to delete me or to not read what I post.
One more thing: if you open up the subject of the history of Christmas, remember that you started it. Don't get upset when you start the subject and only tell the parts that support what you believe. If you are going to post your study of the holiday's history, don't get bent out of shape when someone else says, "dig a little deeper." Does it threaten you that much to know that your beloved holiday has a pagan history? Just remember: don't try to support your theory with history if you are not willing to accept the full history.
P.S. Christmas is not the only pagan holiday Christians celebrate: Easter and Valentine's day are pagan as well.
It would be one thing if I was being hateful and telling everyone to take their christmas and shove it, etc. etc. I have not done that. My problem with christmas is that it is a pagan holiday. I have no problem with the festivities of the season. i have no problem with the music, decorations, santa, and all of the fun stuff that goes along with it. I'm not going to be overly religious about it and shun the whole season. I love the season just as much as anyone else. My family and I do gift exchanges and participate in others' celebration of the holiday season. However, it is my right to not celebrate "christmas" like everyone else does. I celebrate my Savior everyday; I do not need to associate my King with a pagan deity who was born on Dec. 25th. Yes, I get aggravated when I hear the same old twisted tale of Yeshua's birth (there were not 3 wise men; and by the time the astrologers and kings (a vast army of them) reached Him, he was approximately 2 years old.) I do get frustrated, but I do not attack others about it. I just choose not to read about it. I accept that it is some peoples' choice to believe the story Religion has told them. That's fine for them, but it's not for me.
It amazes me how Christians expect everyone to respect their rights, but they do not respect anyone else's. Do not attack me or psychoanalyze me because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I celebrate every season. I do not devote just one day a year to my King. I devote every day to Him. I am not a heathen because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I do enjoy the festivities, but I choose not to christianize a pagan holiday. It seems to be okay for Christians to shun Halloween because they claim it's the devil's day or a pagan holiday. Yet God forbid you speak against their beloved Christmas. You don't have to agree with me, but I do expect you to respect my decision to not celebrate it. It is something Abba has revealed to me. I don't expect anyone else to give up Christmas. I know it's a lot to ask. I don't think that it's something that will send you to hell or anything like that. I simply choose not to out of respect. I don't push my beliefs on anyone. You have the right to delete me or to not read what I post.
One more thing: if you open up the subject of the history of Christmas, remember that you started it. Don't get upset when you start the subject and only tell the parts that support what you believe. If you are going to post your study of the holiday's history, don't get bent out of shape when someone else says, "dig a little deeper." Does it threaten you that much to know that your beloved holiday has a pagan history? Just remember: don't try to support your theory with history if you are not willing to accept the full history.
P.S. Christmas is not the only pagan holiday Christians celebrate: Easter and Valentine's day are pagan as well.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Chronic Singleness
No opinions on religion here... just me being real (not that i'm not with the other topic, but you know...) and expressing what's on my heart. This time of year, for me, is the hardest. It's when the longing for my Beloved aches to my core. It screams into the void chasms of my heart. And I can't help but analyze it...
When you've been single for as long as I have (2 years now) you began to start wondering why. I consider myself a pretty confident woman these days. But in these moments, my insecurities surface. I'm told that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, talented, sweet... all the things a man should want in a woman. So I beg the question... why am I still single? It's not only been 2 years since I was in a relationship; it's been 2 years since anyone has asked me out.
When I'm defending my single state, I say that I'm single by choice. Certainly, I've had opportunities to get married. I've been engaged twice and had several others who wanted to marry me. But, with the exception of my last engagement/relationship, I always felt like I was settling. And if I were to be REALLY honest with myself, I would have to say that I can't even exclude my last beau. Oh, he was quite handsome. In fact, he's the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life. I was in awe of the fact that he was interested in ME. It was almost beyond comprehension because guys like that never EVER notice me. But beyond his looks, I was settling with him too. It's the first (AND LAST) time I've ever been in an abusive relationship. He never laid a hand on me, but boy was he controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive. Anyway, the point is, I've always settled for guys that weren't up to my standard. So therefore, I say I'm single by choice.
HOWEVER... at times like this I wonder just how much of a choice I really have when there's no opportunity. It's not that I want the attention of guys that are below my standards... I don't. But I do want the good guys to notice me for once. It seems the only ones I'm attracted to don't reciprocate for one reason or another. And I'm not a "make the first move" kind of girl. I guess some could argue that. Haha. Okay, yes I'm bold enough to initiate conversation and give a man an opportunity to pursue me. But I won't ask a man out or pursue him.
I don't know... it just makes me wonder what guys see when they look at me. Maybe I should've worded that "gentlemen" or something besides guys in general. I know what some guys see and I work to avoid that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I want to be pursued for my heart, not for my body. But as much as that narrows it down, that's still not adequate. After all, there are some really wonderful gentlemen out there that I'm just not attracted to for whatever reason. So there's not even adequate words to say what I'm wanting to express. That small group of men whom I find attractive (and gentlemanly behavior is part of that)... they're the ones I'm curious about. What is it about me that keeps them at bay?
So yeah... just thinking I suppose. I'm sure my single friends can relate to the, "why am I still single?" question. Funny how I can be confident in lots of areas and still be insecure in others. Obviously this is one of those tender spots for me. So yeah... anyway, thanks for reading as I "think out loud." ha.
When you've been single for as long as I have (2 years now) you began to start wondering why. I consider myself a pretty confident woman these days. But in these moments, my insecurities surface. I'm told that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, talented, sweet... all the things a man should want in a woman. So I beg the question... why am I still single? It's not only been 2 years since I was in a relationship; it's been 2 years since anyone has asked me out.
When I'm defending my single state, I say that I'm single by choice. Certainly, I've had opportunities to get married. I've been engaged twice and had several others who wanted to marry me. But, with the exception of my last engagement/relationship, I always felt like I was settling. And if I were to be REALLY honest with myself, I would have to say that I can't even exclude my last beau. Oh, he was quite handsome. In fact, he's the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life. I was in awe of the fact that he was interested in ME. It was almost beyond comprehension because guys like that never EVER notice me. But beyond his looks, I was settling with him too. It's the first (AND LAST) time I've ever been in an abusive relationship. He never laid a hand on me, but boy was he controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive. Anyway, the point is, I've always settled for guys that weren't up to my standard. So therefore, I say I'm single by choice.
HOWEVER... at times like this I wonder just how much of a choice I really have when there's no opportunity. It's not that I want the attention of guys that are below my standards... I don't. But I do want the good guys to notice me for once. It seems the only ones I'm attracted to don't reciprocate for one reason or another. And I'm not a "make the first move" kind of girl. I guess some could argue that. Haha. Okay, yes I'm bold enough to initiate conversation and give a man an opportunity to pursue me. But I won't ask a man out or pursue him.
I don't know... it just makes me wonder what guys see when they look at me. Maybe I should've worded that "gentlemen" or something besides guys in general. I know what some guys see and I work to avoid that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I want to be pursued for my heart, not for my body. But as much as that narrows it down, that's still not adequate. After all, there are some really wonderful gentlemen out there that I'm just not attracted to for whatever reason. So there's not even adequate words to say what I'm wanting to express. That small group of men whom I find attractive (and gentlemanly behavior is part of that)... they're the ones I'm curious about. What is it about me that keeps them at bay?
So yeah... just thinking I suppose. I'm sure my single friends can relate to the, "why am I still single?" question. Funny how I can be confident in lots of areas and still be insecure in others. Obviously this is one of those tender spots for me. So yeah... anyway, thanks for reading as I "think out loud." ha.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Sin and Relationship
I have been thinking a lot about sin since I came across that blog about it the other day. It's really been on my heart to expose the truth about it. There are a million thoughts that run through my mind about this topic. So if this is a long one, please forgive me because I have a lot on my heart.
First of all, we were taught by Religion that our sin separates us from God. Yes, this is scriptural. But let's look at it a little bit more. I feel like Abba is speaking to me about this. He says the reason our sin separates us from Him is not that He turns His back on us. It is that we are too ashamed to go to Him. Look at it this way... you're a parent. Your child does something to REALLY piss you off. Do you cut off relationship with the child? NO! The child may be too ashamed to come to you, but you don't stop loving your child. You don't forbid the child to come before you. It's the child's decision to stay away out of shame, not because you forbade them. You don't require them to stay in their bedroom permanently and stay away from you and the rest of the family. You may be angry, but you don't cut off relationship.
Secondly, I think about how Religion taught us that the reason YHWH turned His back on Yeshua "despising our sin," as I've heard it put. But is that really the case? We've been taught that Abba cannot look on sin. In that case, He wouldn't be able to look at anyone on earth. We all have sinned and fallen short. I think, and it's merely my opinion, that the reason Abba couldn't look on Yeshua is because He couldn't stand to see what Religion did to His Son. He was grieved at the atrocity before Him. Yeshua felt abandoned; but in His heart, He knew that Abba didn't abandon Him.
I was just reading a blog of a fellow blogger whom God spoke to clearly about how He feels about Religion. He asked her, "Don't you get that I don't see your sin? Not through the blood." (Paraphrased) We just don't get that we are covered and we are NOT separated from God except that we stand off, ashamed.
Now, here's a scripture that God showed my mom about 12 years ago. 1 John 5:16 "If anyone sees his brother commit a sin that does not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that he should pray about that." First, let me ask... who is a brother? A brother is simply a fellow believer with whom you have relationship and know that he/she has a relationship with Abba. If you see a brother sin (with the exception of blasphemy, denouncing God), you can pray for him and God will forgive him of that sin. Simple as that. But Religion will tell you otherwise.
I think about how Religion tells us that God won't allow us to come into His presence if we are "walking in sin." But I propose another thought. First of all, look at the prodigal son. He had squandered his father's money, screwed around, and was a total screw up. He had been with the pigs, so you can imagine just how rank he was. He was filthy. He was ashamed and said, "I know I'm not worthy to be called a son, but maybe Dad will allow me to be one of his servants." His shame prevented him from going home for a long time, but when he finally did, what happened? Keep in mind, Papa's pretty wealthy and probably dressed in nice clothes, bathed, etc. when sonny comes home. So Sonny comes home with his rehearsed speech about his unworthiness, and what did Papa do? He embraced him! Yep, stinky sonny who had been laying with the pigs, hadn't bathed in probably months. Papa threw his arms around him and welcomed him home. He did not tell him, "oh, son, I can't talk to you until you're cleaned up. Don't touch me." NO! He embraced him, and then told his servants to clean him up and put him in the finest clothes. Let's look at this another way. You're a parent again. You're all dressed up in a VERY fancy white suit/dress. Your child is out playing in the mud and comes inside. Do you tell the child you won't talk to him or have anything to do with him until he's cleaned up? EMPHATICALLY, NO! You may not allow the child to hug you, but you will make sure the child gets cleaned up and taken care of. You may not be happy that the child is filthy, but you don't cut off relationship or refuse to talk to him. And if it's a child who has run away and cut off contact with you out of shame, you're not going to care about that white suit. You will embrace that child. After all, you can always have the suit cleaned or buy a new one. Relationship with your child is more important than cleanliness. It's the same way with Abba. He still wants to have relationship with us, regardless of how filthy we are. He's not concerned with our filth rubbing off on Him. He's immune to it. He can clean us off. But nothing is more important to Him than relationship with us.
So put out of your mind how much you've screwed up. Stop hiding from Abba just because you're dirty and been hanging with the pigs. Don't let Religion separate you from Abba. He's there waiting for you with arms wide open. Come home.
First of all, we were taught by Religion that our sin separates us from God. Yes, this is scriptural. But let's look at it a little bit more. I feel like Abba is speaking to me about this. He says the reason our sin separates us from Him is not that He turns His back on us. It is that we are too ashamed to go to Him. Look at it this way... you're a parent. Your child does something to REALLY piss you off. Do you cut off relationship with the child? NO! The child may be too ashamed to come to you, but you don't stop loving your child. You don't forbid the child to come before you. It's the child's decision to stay away out of shame, not because you forbade them. You don't require them to stay in their bedroom permanently and stay away from you and the rest of the family. You may be angry, but you don't cut off relationship.
Secondly, I think about how Religion taught us that the reason YHWH turned His back on Yeshua "despising our sin," as I've heard it put. But is that really the case? We've been taught that Abba cannot look on sin. In that case, He wouldn't be able to look at anyone on earth. We all have sinned and fallen short. I think, and it's merely my opinion, that the reason Abba couldn't look on Yeshua is because He couldn't stand to see what Religion did to His Son. He was grieved at the atrocity before Him. Yeshua felt abandoned; but in His heart, He knew that Abba didn't abandon Him.
I was just reading a blog of a fellow blogger whom God spoke to clearly about how He feels about Religion. He asked her, "Don't you get that I don't see your sin? Not through the blood." (Paraphrased) We just don't get that we are covered and we are NOT separated from God except that we stand off, ashamed.
Now, here's a scripture that God showed my mom about 12 years ago. 1 John 5:16 "If anyone sees his brother commit a sin that does not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that he should pray about that." First, let me ask... who is a brother? A brother is simply a fellow believer with whom you have relationship and know that he/she has a relationship with Abba. If you see a brother sin (with the exception of blasphemy, denouncing God), you can pray for him and God will forgive him of that sin. Simple as that. But Religion will tell you otherwise.
I think about how Religion tells us that God won't allow us to come into His presence if we are "walking in sin." But I propose another thought. First of all, look at the prodigal son. He had squandered his father's money, screwed around, and was a total screw up. He had been with the pigs, so you can imagine just how rank he was. He was filthy. He was ashamed and said, "I know I'm not worthy to be called a son, but maybe Dad will allow me to be one of his servants." His shame prevented him from going home for a long time, but when he finally did, what happened? Keep in mind, Papa's pretty wealthy and probably dressed in nice clothes, bathed, etc. when sonny comes home. So Sonny comes home with his rehearsed speech about his unworthiness, and what did Papa do? He embraced him! Yep, stinky sonny who had been laying with the pigs, hadn't bathed in probably months. Papa threw his arms around him and welcomed him home. He did not tell him, "oh, son, I can't talk to you until you're cleaned up. Don't touch me." NO! He embraced him, and then told his servants to clean him up and put him in the finest clothes. Let's look at this another way. You're a parent again. You're all dressed up in a VERY fancy white suit/dress. Your child is out playing in the mud and comes inside. Do you tell the child you won't talk to him or have anything to do with him until he's cleaned up? EMPHATICALLY, NO! You may not allow the child to hug you, but you will make sure the child gets cleaned up and taken care of. You may not be happy that the child is filthy, but you don't cut off relationship or refuse to talk to him. And if it's a child who has run away and cut off contact with you out of shame, you're not going to care about that white suit. You will embrace that child. After all, you can always have the suit cleaned or buy a new one. Relationship with your child is more important than cleanliness. It's the same way with Abba. He still wants to have relationship with us, regardless of how filthy we are. He's not concerned with our filth rubbing off on Him. He's immune to it. He can clean us off. But nothing is more important to Him than relationship with us.
So put out of your mind how much you've screwed up. Stop hiding from Abba just because you're dirty and been hanging with the pigs. Don't let Religion separate you from Abba. He's there waiting for you with arms wide open. Come home.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Holley-Wood Art
For those of you who don't know me, I am also an artist in addition to what you read here. If you're on facebook, go check out my page! https://www.facebook.com/HolleyWoodArt
This page is a compilation of artist pieces my dad and I have done. Most of the pieces are a form of art called pyrography (otherwise known as woodburning). I have only been an artist for the past 8 or 9 years. I discovered the joy and relaxation of woodburning when I was in high school and have been trying to improve my skill ever since. Also on the page are pieces I have airbrushed as well as pieces my dad has airbrushed. There are also carvings and painted items on the page as well. Hope you "like" it! :D
Maegan V.
(AKA Holley)
This page is a compilation of artist pieces my dad and I have done. Most of the pieces are a form of art called pyrography (otherwise known as woodburning). I have only been an artist for the past 8 or 9 years. I discovered the joy and relaxation of woodburning when I was in high school and have been trying to improve my skill ever since. Also on the page are pieces I have airbrushed as well as pieces my dad has airbrushed. There are also carvings and painted items on the page as well. Hope you "like" it! :D
Maegan V.
(AKA Holley)
Sin vs. Missing the Mark
I have been studying Hebrew letters online to teach myself to read and pronounce Hebrew. As I was working on these letters, I came across this:
One of the most commonly mistranslated Hebrew words is chait, which we usually see translated as "sin."
Sin is one of those words we tend to find repellant.Many of us grew up in non-Jewish societies and as a result of that influence we think of sin as some horrible evil, connected with endless guilt, eternal damnation and a host of other associations that are equally unpalatable.
Does chait really mean that?
No.
The meaning of the word is usually defined by the context of how it is used.So for example, In the Book of Judges (20:16), slingers from the tribe of Benjamin are described as being so good with their weapon that they can "aim at a hair and not chait."
Could this mean to "aim at a hair and not sin"? It makes no sense.
Could this mean to "aim at a hair and not sin"? It makes no sense. Obviously the text means to aim at a hair and not "miss," i.e. not to hit off target.
Another example is in the Book of Kings I (1:21). King David is on his death bed and his wife, Bathsheba, comes to him and says, "If Solomon does not become king after you then Solomon and I will be chataim." Solomon and Bathsheba will be sinners? It means that Solomon and Bathsheba will not reach their potential, will not make the grade, will not measure up.
A third example: The Hebrew for one of the many sacrificial offering is chatot, from the same root as the word chait. This offering -- called in English a "sin offering" -- can only be brought for something done unintentionally.In fact, if a person purposely committed a violation, he is forbidden to bring a chatot. It is truly a "mistake offering" rather than a "sin offering."
"Off target," "not reaching the mark," "mistake," and "unintentional" are all indications that the word chait does not mean "sin."
A more accurate translation of the Hebrew chait is "error" or "mistake."
A more accurate translation of the Hebrew chait is "error" or "mistake."
People don't "sin." People make mistakes. After all, we are human. And the Jewish way is to learn from our mistakes. We apologize, clean up any mess, and move on with life.
Of course, there can be real ramifications to our mistakes.
If a glass of milk is dropped, the milk is gone and the glass is shattered. So what do we do?
We deal with the fallout and fix what we can. Our amends may include a sincere apology, removing the shards, getting the carpet cleaned and buying a new bottle of milk. But we do not become steeped in guilt over our "sin."
Note that there are other words in Hebrew which are also mistranslated as "sin," but which convey a more serious misdeed than an error.To cite two examples: avon, refers to willful, knowing transgression of God's law where one's desires get the upper hand; pesha, refers to a willful transgression done specifically to spite God.
However, the most common word translated as "sin" is chait. The "sin" of Adam and Eve was chait, a mistake.
So many of the concepts we may have in our minds may really not be Jewish at all. Taking a fresh look can give us great insights and clarity -- and tips to make our lives more meaningful. ~(http://www.aish.com/jl/48964596.html)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Micah 4:6-8 says, "'In that day,' declares the LORD, 'I will gather the lame; I will assemble the exiles and those I have brought to grief. I will make the lame a remnant, those driven away a strong nation. The LORD will rule over them in Mount Zion from that day and forever. As for you, O watchtower of the flock, O stronghold of the Daughter of Zion, the former dominion will be restored to you; kingship will come to the Daughter of Jerusalem.'"
Who are the lame? Who are the exiles? Who are those whom God has brought to grief? This leaped out at me as I was reading last night and I felt like Abba was showing me that those of us who have left the institution of religion fit this profile. We are the lame... why? We've been beat up by religion. We walk with a limp if we walk at all. Some of us have been nearly murdered (spiritually speaking) by religion. Exiles? Yep, I've been exiled into what I call the dry barren wasteland, or the wilderness. I hear many others talk about being in the wilderness. "Those I have brought to grief..." I don't know about you, but this wilderness experience has been full of grief for me. I have lost so much (yet gained so much more). But it has not been a pleasant experience as I walk through the dry barren wasteland.
I really feel like this was Abba's way of encouraging me that I'm where He wants me to be, and that He is gathering us and making us a strong group. He is bringing us out of the woodwork to find one another and band together. We are learning what it means when it says, "Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom," and "It is for freedom You've set us free." There are supposedly thousands of us out there who have rejected religion and cried out that we want more of Abba. We want freedom in our relationship! And here in Micah, he has a little tidbit just for us. How awesome is that? He speaks to those of us who feel lame, exiled, and grieved. And here, He speaks hope to us. :)
Who are the lame? Who are the exiles? Who are those whom God has brought to grief? This leaped out at me as I was reading last night and I felt like Abba was showing me that those of us who have left the institution of religion fit this profile. We are the lame... why? We've been beat up by religion. We walk with a limp if we walk at all. Some of us have been nearly murdered (spiritually speaking) by religion. Exiles? Yep, I've been exiled into what I call the dry barren wasteland, or the wilderness. I hear many others talk about being in the wilderness. "Those I have brought to grief..." I don't know about you, but this wilderness experience has been full of grief for me. I have lost so much (yet gained so much more). But it has not been a pleasant experience as I walk through the dry barren wasteland.
I really feel like this was Abba's way of encouraging me that I'm where He wants me to be, and that He is gathering us and making us a strong group. He is bringing us out of the woodwork to find one another and band together. We are learning what it means when it says, "Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom," and "It is for freedom You've set us free." There are supposedly thousands of us out there who have rejected religion and cried out that we want more of Abba. We want freedom in our relationship! And here in Micah, he has a little tidbit just for us. How awesome is that? He speaks to those of us who feel lame, exiled, and grieved. And here, He speaks hope to us. :)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Loneliness and Desperation in the Wilderness
This time of year particularly gets to me. For several years I've wrestled over whether or not I celebrate Christmas. Today, the answer is: sorta. I have prayed about what God wants me to do and feel like God is okay with me celebrating the season. It's the season I love... the music, the food, the festivities, the decorations. But I despise the false Christianization of it. I choose not to celebrate it as the church celebrates it. I refuse to belittle my Savior by equating him with a pagan god. I choose not to celebrate the birth of Tammuz or Nimrod on December 25th. Instead, I celebrate the season. My parents and I buy gifts for one another at the beginning of the month and celebrate around the middle of the month. We have a "holiday" meal, but usually for New Year's Eve or some time other than Dec. 25th. But I also refuse to be religious in any way, shape or form about the matter. I will not entirely stand against the celebration of Christmas and be bound by religion in that manner, either. I enjoy my freedom to enjoy the season without putting religious bondage on myself.
I find that this time of year pulls on my heartstrings more. I start an intense search for like-minded believers and fellowship more this time of year than any other. I can't explain why other than loneliness. I guess when it comes right down to it, that's the core of my search. I'm lonely... not just for human affection... but I am lonely for spiritual affection. I look back on the days when I was in the IC and I remember the times of worship. Granted, for some it may not have been real. But for me, it was. I know that God honored my heart in that. He allowed me to feel His sweet Presence in spite of my religious bondage. I had a very close relationship with Him while I was under the IC. He held me close when i cried out to Him. I know that God uses people within the IC in spite of themselves. Many times He spoke to me prophetically. So even though I'm happy to be free of the IC, I do have some fond memories of how God moved in spite of Religion simply because I did not know any better. But I know better now, and He no longer appeases me when I search for Him in the IC. I realized when I was 17 or 18 that God had left the church. I desperately searched for Him within the church, but could not find Him. I was heart-broken. But that's what began my journey.
I'm in a place now where I am happy to be on this journey and to have freedom from Religion. But it's not easy. I'm at least finding others like myself, so that's good. I know that it was no accident that I stumbled across the ABCD ( www.bornagainchurchdropouts.org) and began to find out that I'm not alone. I at least have a connection to other believers who won't chastise me for my beliefs. But they also have balance and don't lean to the worldly side of things out of spite towards the IC. I am grateful for knowing that so many have walked such a similar path as I. That alone is a huge relief, to know that God brought me out of Egypt into the wilderness and is leading me into the Promised Land; that He didn't abandon me in the wilderness.
But still... there's a desperation that motivates me and frustrates me. I'm desperate for true companionship. I need intimacy in my life. This time of year reminds me that I don't have that. I don't have the intimacy with Yahweh that I desire. I don't have anyone in my life whom I can cuddle up to and pour my heart out to, share my life with. It's at times like this, when the hunger for intimacy drives me insane, that I become desperate to find whatever it is I'm looking for. Thank goodness Abba is protecting me, because through desperation I begin to lower my standards. I begin to compromise and convince myself I could accept someone with not-so-desirable traits. But in my heart of hearts, I know what Abba promised me. I get so frustrated being so limited. I don't know how it could possibly play out and so I try to make it happen myself. I don't see the possibility of anyone in my area believing like I do and being what I need. So I try to compromise and accept what I know I shouldn't.
It seems that this is such a lonely road, though I hear there are thousands just like me. Where are they?! How do I find them? When it comes to meeting someone for romantic interests, the choices are very limited. It feels as though my only 2 choices are meeting someone who is churched or meeting someone who is an unbeliever. Problem is, I'm not open to either choice. So I remain single and keep asking, "Abba, when? When will You fulfill Your promise?" But in these times, it's so easy to lose hope. I find myself questioning if He ever really made me that promise. I find myself believing that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I see babies and I cry because I want one so badly. I find myself wondering if I will ever get to have the family I long for.
This too shall pass.
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