A few months ago, I started becoming incredibly homesick for the South. I've reveled in my Southern pride. I've basked in the honor of being a Native Oklahoman. And I've accepted that I'm an outsider in a foreign land. With the tornadoes that hit Oklahoma, my heart was ravaged and heartbroken. I have been trying to identify what exactly it is that I feel. Homesick? Yes... and no. I have no desire to move back. I feel like I'm supposed to be in this town. But I miss Oklahomans incredibly. I miss my friends. Quite frankly, I miss southern men. I miss the accents. I miss the hospitality, the culture. I'm experiencing culture shock.
The other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What I've been searching for, longing for, is community. Did I have that in Oklahoma? No. I was as lonely there as I am here. But at least I had a sense of belonging to the land because I was born there. I graduated there. I'm not sure that meant anything until now, when I no longer live there. I'm an outsider through and through now.
I remember when I was in Oklahoma, I declared it a dry, barren wasteland. It's as if God brought me here to show me what a true dry, barren wasteland is. At least in Oklahoma I could go to a worship/prayer service and find some refreshment. Here... nada. none. nothing. There's nowhere to find respite for my weary soul. I have no crutches left. I can only present my case before God and hope He'll show compassion soon.
I'm longing for community... for someone who understands and can relate. I'm in desperate need of heart-bonding relationships. God has brought me to a place to realize I can't do it on my own. I have absolutely no choice but to rely on Him to bring people into my life. But oh, God it's lonely!
How much longer? How long do I have to walk this road without companionship? I don't know how much more I can take. Each day, my desire for my Beloved increases. I have run out of prayers beyond, "Please, God!" and "How much longer?!" I know what God promised me, but how long until it's fulfilled? I can't possibly imagine how I'll meet him. When I was going to church, I could hope each Sunday that he'd walk through those doors. But now? It's beyond my imagination.
My longing heart wants to know where to look... where do I find other in-betweeners? I just don't know...
~*~Maggie~*~
