Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

Here it is, 15 years since “the incident.” I’ve forgiven them... I really have. But that doesn’t make it stop hurting. How can it still affect me so deeply all these years later? How can that one church, out of the hundreds of people in my lifetime who have hurt me, still haunt my dreams? I still dream of M, my former best friend and pastor’s son. He’s married with a child now, far away from where he can hurt me. But I dream of seeing him, hugging him, loving him. When I awake, the emotion is bittersweet. I’m not angry with them anymore. But I’m still very sad.

I feel robbed. That time period changed me so drastically that I can never be the girl I was. I still grieve for her. I grieve that she died and left this hollow shell that pretends to be alive. But I’m not alive. I simply exist.

I met a guy recently that I can’t help but think would have been perfect for her. I refer to my former self as “her,” because it doesn’t seem like she and I are the same person. I catch myself flirting with him, but quickly remember that “her” type and mine are no longer the same. She only courted church guys; I won’t touch them with a ten-foot pole. It’s a shame, really. This guy seems so pure, innocent, and perfect for 18-year-old Holley. But 33-year-old Holley knows she’s too tainted and worldly now. I would love to be “her” again: on fire for God, able to feel His presence, pure, innocent. But she’s forever gone. She’s been replaced by a grieving tainted shadow whose innocence is long gone. She leads a very lonely existence, caught between two worlds, completely alone. If it was as simple as going through the doors of a church, I’d do it for the sake of what has been lost. But it’s not that simple. I tried to go back. Hell, I DID go back for a long time, trying to revive her. But it didn’t bring her back. It just reminded me that something had changed. For a long time, I’d hoped it would one day go back to the way it was before. But now, after hoping for so long, I’ve lost hope. I don’t believe I’ll get it back. I also have stopped believing in my Beloved. It was a nice fairytale, but it never came true. Sometimes, for unknown reasons, we simply exist. Some prayers are never answered. And some wounds apparently never heal. And that just plain sucks.

The Beloved Letters Novel

I wrote and self-published a novel with characters who are what I call "in-betweeners," meaning those who don't fit into the IC or the world... those of us in the Wilderness. For that reason alone, marketing my book is a bit difficult. It's not like I can go to churches and say, "hey, read my book!" So here's the links to my book, The Beloved Letters. It is a romance, but also presents my points of view on religion as well as the Deaf Community. (I'm a sign language interpreter and have a great passion for teaching the hearing community about the Deaf World.) So I'd greatly appreciate it if y'all would check out my book! Thanks!
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1495244253
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IVQG6P8

Where I am in the Wilderness

It's been a year since I last wrote. I'm still in the Wilderness. But I think I'm close to being out. Why do I think that? Because it seems I'm at a point of convergence with others in the Wilderness. All of a sudden, there's life in the Wilderness. We're all headed the same way. All this time of walking seemingly alone, only to find that there were millions of us in this vast Wilderness. Now we're all coming to a place where our paths are converging. That gives me hope that the Promised Land is near.

I still grieve when I hear songs I used to dance to or get lost in worship to. I still miss what was. I have a hard time not looking back. It's still difficult. But I'm not angry anymore. Disappointed, disillusioned, yes. I still don't really understand. But I don't feel abandoned like I did. I don't feel angry at the people who hurt me. I'm not angry at Papa. I don't think He's out to get me anymore. I still feel a little bit alone. But when I find out that there is someone in my life who's also in the Wilderness, I experience tremendous joy to discover Papa's sending me a friend.

As far as how I, Holley Maegan Verrett, am doing: I have been in a community I love for the past year. I am doing the job I love and work with a fantastic staff. I am welcome here, for once. I absolutely love it here! God blessed me by bringing me to this community. I don't feel as much an outsider. I don't feel stifled here. I am about to have back surgery next month. I have a ruptured disc in my lumbar region. I've been having excruciating pain since January or so. I've been having issues since last July, but they got bad in January when I was lifting weights. I put too much weight on the leg press and ruptured my disc. :/ So now I get to have back surgery July 14. I am still single with no prospects, but for now I'm mostly okay with that!

Frustration, Homesickness, & Community

A few months ago, I started becoming incredibly homesick for the South. I've reveled in my Southern pride. I've basked in the honor of being a Native Oklahoman. And I've accepted that I'm an outsider in a foreign land. With the tornadoes that hit Oklahoma, my heart was ravaged and heartbroken. I have been trying to identify what exactly it is that I feel. Homesick? Yes... and no. I have no desire to move back. I feel like I'm supposed to be in this town. But I miss Oklahomans incredibly. I miss my friends. Quite frankly, I miss southern men. I miss the accents. I miss the hospitality, the culture. I'm experiencing culture shock.

The other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What I've been searching for, longing for, is community. Did I have that in Oklahoma? No. I was as lonely there as I am here. But at least I had a sense of belonging to the land because I was born there. I graduated there. I'm not sure that meant anything until now, when I no longer live there. I'm an outsider through and through now.

I remember when I was in Oklahoma, I declared it a dry, barren wasteland. It's as if God brought me here to show me what a true dry, barren wasteland is. At least in Oklahoma I could go to a worship/prayer service and find some refreshment. Here... nada. none. nothing. There's nowhere to find respite for my weary soul. I have no crutches left. I can only present my case before God and hope He'll show compassion soon.

I'm longing for community... for someone who understands and can relate. I'm in desperate need of heart-bonding relationships. God has brought me to a place to realize I can't do it on my own. I have absolutely no choice but to rely on Him to bring people into my life. But oh, God it's lonely!

How much longer? How long do I have to walk this road without companionship? I don't know how much more I can take. Each day, my desire for my Beloved increases. I have run out of prayers beyond, "Please, God!" and "How much longer?!" I know what God promised me, but how long until it's fulfilled? I can't possibly imagine how I'll meet him. When I was going to church, I could hope each Sunday that he'd walk through those doors. But now? It's beyond my imagination.

My longing heart wants to know where to look... where do I find other in-betweeners? I just don't know...

~*~Maggie~*~

Hebrews 10:25 in context

I was invited to attend church with a friend over the weekend. Since I am working to not be so judgmental against church people, I accepted. I think a part of me was hoping God's presence would be there. But alas, it was just another dead service to me. :/

Anyway, that's not the point. I went in to Sunday school and they were talking about encountering trials, etc. One of the scripture passages they used was Hebrews 10. I groaned inwardly when I realized Hebrews 10:25 was there. I just knew they were about to talk about why it's important for people to be in church, etc. But they didn't. As I was reading the passage, a light switch turned on about the meaning of Hebrews. Basically what it was saying is, "When things get tough, don't go into hiding and try to bear it alone. Reach out to other believers and be vulnerable to them. Let them carry part of the load." Wow. Sure paints a different picture than "YOU MUST ATTEND CHURCH, YOU DIRTY HEATHEN!"

I still struggle with feeling judged. I feel like church people think I'm not "good enough" or that they're trying to "save" me. I can't help but be on guard. :/ Yesterday I had an incidence in which I felt this was true. There's a guy I was interested in finding out more about, but my gut told me that my friend wasn't supportive of it. I hadn't voiced my interest until yesterday. I had this distinct feeling that when I finally did get an answer from her, it was just to get me discouraged about him. I feel like she thinks I'm a backslider, a heathen, someone in need of salvation. Maybe she doesn't, but that's how I feel. And I feel like she thinks that because I don't go to church, I wouldn't be a good match for anyone who does. Maybe she's right, but not for those reasons.

Anyway, I doubt many people read this, but I just needed to get it out there. I think next time someone throws Hebrews 10:25 in my face, I'm going to sit down with them and read it in context and point out what the writer was actually saying.

Unhealed Wounds?

You know... I remember growing up as a Christian, hearing the words, "when the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future." I always thought it was for the "heathens" who didn't grow up in church. It was for the "sinners" who had a bad past... drugs, alcohol, sex, that kind of stuff. I never thought it could ever mean ME. Just when I think I've left the past behind, it sneaks up behind me and begins to haunt me again. I see pictures of person from my past, or their names, something of that nature, and it all comes back to me, the pain as fresh as the day it happened. The shame of the past could not be more real. It's funny how it sneaks up on you when you're having a seemingly good day. And all of a sudden I find myself praying, "God help me to leave the past in the past." I thought those wounds were healed, nothing but scars. Apparently they were just scabbed over. Makes me wonder if they'll always be there, ready to fester at a moment's notice. :( What an unexpected blow!

When you've spent your entire life within the IC (institution of church), you think you don't have a past. But when you come out of the IC, you find out all too well that your past is just as bad, if not worse than those who did not grow up in the IC. The deepest wounds ever issued were by the IC. My family experienced deep wounds about 10 years ago. I know my dad never recovered. He's still bitter and angry and will probably never forgive. But mom and I... I thought we had moved on. We've interacted with those who hurt us. We forgave them. So why does it still hurt? I thought I had healed. But apparently not if it suddenly causes me anxiety and shame. 

A Choice To Love

Many times in my past, I have made a decision to love. Let me explain this so that it makes sense. I don't mean that I took the high road and chose to love someone despite all odds. I wish. I made decisions to love men. I would date someone and be so desperate to love and be loved, that I would ignore the fact that I did not FEEL love for them. I was not in love. Yet I would make a decision to love them and hope that the emotions would follow. I've done this many times. And because I made the choice to love, I came to truly love these men. No, the emotional, warm fuzzy feelings never followed. I had a deep love for these men. I treasured them and sought their good. I ignored their shortcomings and just loved them. It was a choice, a decision I made. Granted, each relationship ended. But I do not look back with regret for loving these men. I believe God taught me something out of those relationships and I'm just now figuring out what it was.

Here's my confession: I am not a loving person. At least not a love-everybody person. In fact, I find it very difficult to love people. I find it harder to LIKE people. Yes, I have a soft heart. But I keep it buried beneath layers of callouses. I protect it at the detriment of loving and being loved. I'm highly skeptical of people. I learned a long time ago that the best defense is a good offense. I have learned how to be highly offensive (take that in whatever way you choose and you're probably right). So the concept of "love your neighbor" is elusive to me. I find it very difficult to love those whom are not loving to me. The ability to bless those who curse me... yeah, that ain't happening. I've always been bothered by the fact that I'm abrasive. I've always had that scripture nagging at me, "you will know them by their fruits." Ugh. My fruits are covered in thorns.

The other night, I had a bit of a revelation, I guess you could call it. I was reading a book and saw this line, "Friendship is a choice, love is not." I thought about that for a bit. I thought about men in my past saying, "you can't help who you love." I realized that I disagree. You can't help whom you fall in love with; but you can choose who you love. I know that from experience. I got to thinking, maybe I AM capable of loving others after all. I've made decisions to love in the past. Because I made a decision to love, I came to love those individuals. That is different from being IN LOVE. To love others means to seek out their best. It means that I look past their shortcomings and search for their hearts. It means that I am kind to them, despite how they treat me. (I once was in a relationship in which I made a decision to love, and made a commitment to marry a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. If I can love him, I can love anyone!) So I got to thinking... I need to make a decision, a concrete, firm decision to Love the people in my life. It's not going to be easy, that's for sure. I wonder how I can trick my mind into making that decision? It was easy when it was a man whom I wanted love and affection from. But what about the women I work with? What about the children that I absolutely can't stand because they're such brats? What about the people who spitefully use me? It's not going to be easy. I wonder if it can be done. Surely it can. So I guess that's my goal: to make a decision to love each individual who comes across my path.

How do you deal?

Those of you who have walked away from the IC... when someone throws Hebrews 10:25 in your face, how do you calmly deal with the situation? It's all I can do not to call them idiots and morons and explain that it doesn't say you have to go to church. It calls for fellowship. But they're typically too dense to get that anyway. So how do YOU deal with it?

Waiting for My Beloved

As promised, here's the story about my wait for my Beloved:

I guess I should back up to BEFORE the promise, the little known part of the story that is often forgotten. When I was 14 years old, I was living in Gilchrist, TX (on the Bolivar Peninsula between Galveston and Beaumont). I attended church on the "mainland" in a town called Winnie. I had amazing youth pastors, Steve and Cheri. Cheri shared with us girls about how she had a list of things she wanted in her future husband. She kept the list in her Bible and God answered everything on the list when he gave her Steve. I decided to write a list as well.

Fast forward 3 years. I was living in Konawa, OK. The summer before my senior year of high school, I was spending the summer on campus at ECU for Upward Bound. I spent a LOT of time asking God about my future husband. He was gracious enough to speak to me on the matter. June 24, 2002, God made me a promise that I'll never forget. He said, "I'm giving you a "David" character." I began studying the character of David in the Bible, and I absolutely fell in love. The name David means, "Beloved." That night, I wrote my first Beloved Letter. I didn't know I would have to wait so long for what God promised me. I figured in a matter of a couple of years, I would have him in my life.

It has now been 10 years. It has been a very difficult journey of crying, begging, pleading with God for my Beloved. I have believed with everything in me; I have given up; I have grown numb; and I've been beyond excited. As it is now, I have all but given up. I'm rather numb and don't really get excited about it anymore. I've pretty well lost faith that it will happen any time soon. I still write my Beloved letters. I now have 4 volumes of collections of letters. I can't even count how many letters there actually are. Well over 100, for sure.

A little side note that I forgot to mention: In 2007, mom and I (at separate times) had visions of my Beloved. I know generally what he looks like and I know his character. It drives me insane when I see someone that looks a bit like him and even has some of his traits. It's quite the temptation, but it REALLY sucks when they're not interested. I don't know how many times a day I ask, "God please. When?!"

So yeah... that's the short story. :)

Faith Unwavering

I am being challenged about my faith right now. I'm not saying an individual is challenging on my beliefs. I'm saying that I am being challenged in my FAITH.

As a child, I had unwavering faith. I believed God beyond a shadow of a doubt. I knew He could do anything and would answer. As I grew older, doubt and unbelief entered in. The older I get, the more I doubt. I have come to a place where there's little that I believe and much that I doubt. :/ not good.

Many of you have already heard my story about waiting for my Beloved. If not, please find my previous blog posts or my blog for my Beloved. At some point (probably soon) I will record the full story again just in case I have not yet done so. Anyway, I have been waiting 10 years for my Beloved. I know God will bring him to me because He promised Him to me. However, I'm finding it difficult to believe it will ever come to pass. I hope, but I do not believe. I know, it sounds like I'm contradicting myself. In my heart I know, but in my head I doubt. Make sense?

So that brings me to some current events taking place. A few weeks or so ago, I thought about the dead being raised. I don't remember the complete thought process, but I remember it being an odd thought. Fast-forward to current events. There's a young man whose body was found recently. The family and many others are praying for him to be brought back to life. There are many who are able to believe without wavering that it will happen. I do find my thoughts a couple of weeks ago a bit ironic. But can I join my faith with these who believe? I'm having a difficult time doing so. I find myself praying that God's will be done, but I cannot seem to wrap my mind around truly BELIEVING that it will happen. :/ This really makes me sad that I have lost faith so easily. I remember the little girl I was who believed with faith unwavering. And now I am so jaded that I barely believe anything. God, help me with my unbelief. :(

For info about the young man I mentioned, go here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/364694933601586/

What It All Comes Down To...

I have been seeing SOOOOO much war between christians. I was always aware of the battle between denominations; between protestants and catholics; between individuals. But I have found that these wars are not isolated within the walls of religion. I have found that it's just as ugly outside of the IC as it is inside.

I have raged and openly expressed my beliefs. I have been one who has attacked other views on religion. I've attacked the IC. I've attacked other belief systems that are different than my own. But recently, I have watched in disgust as I've seen people tearing each other down. My opinions have changed about who's right or wrong. I think we've ALL got it wrong. We're so busy dissecting theology that we ignore the command to love. We get so caught up in our differences that we don't embrace what we have in common. When are believers going to stop attacking their own army?

I have had the privilege of spending time with some Catholic friends recently. Once upon a time I would have attacked Catholics mercilessly. But I have been reminded that when it all comes down to the nitty gritty, we agree on the basics. That's what we need to focus on. We need to embrace that we agree on salvation. We need to embrace that we (i'm speaking of true believers, not those who go through the motions) all love God, no matter how we express it. I still dislike religion. It's not for me. But I understand that for some people, the structure and discipline works for them. I have to accept that I am not God. God has called me out of the IC, but there are some He has left in the IC. Does that make me any more righteous, any more right than they? Absolutely not! This has been a lesson that has been a long time coming. We need to embrace our common beliefs and stop attacking one another. I now understand why my Catholic friends believe what they do. It makes sense to me and it's nothing like what I was taught. We actually agree on a lot more than I thought was possible. Does that mean i agree 100%? No, but I respect their beliefs. I respect their right to practice those beliefs in the way they feel God is leading them.

Look, ma, I'm growing up! HA

Paul Vs. Religion

Last night I was reading in Galatians. I was reading the very first portion of the first chapter and Paul was REALLY upset with the church of Galatia for rejecting grace and reverting to Religion (The Law). It was really interesting to see how exasperated he was about the whole ordeal.

I think Paul would have a conniption fit if he saw Christianity today. I can totally see him smacking his forehead with his palm and shaking his head. "That's completely opposite of what I tried to convey to you," he would say. "Can't you get it through your heads? Why are you still bound by Religion when I've tried to stress to you how important grace is? Why are you still trying to uphold the traditions of men, the law, when freedom is right in front of you?" Yeah, I can see that Paul would be royally miffed at the Church today.

It's astonishing how the IC will praise Paul and idolize him, but completely reject his message. Sure, they'll say, "oh, we live by grace." But do they really? Or are they still trying to get by on works? Are they doing God's will or following the traditions of men? I love how Paul specifically addresses the following of men's traditions. He says that he doesn't do it. The kicker is in the first portion of the first chapter, he says that what he preaches was not taught to him. (GASP you mean a preacher didn't sit down and give him the steps of salvation? You mean he didn't go through ministerial training?) That's right! He says that what he preaches was given to him by revelation. WOW! That totally blows religion out of the water. That defeats the idea that we have to have preachers hear from God for us. Or for that matter, we have to find it in the Bible. Paul didn't say he searched scripture for the message. He says it was given him by revelation. How can that be? RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!

I love how Paul just blows religion out of the water. He preaches against it. How do people not see that? Or maybe they just want to see it as him preaching against Judaism... but isn't that essentially what Christianity today is, just with a Messianic twist? You've got to tithe; you've got to volunteer at the church so many hours a week in addition to the 60+ hours you work; you've got to attend church weekly (never mind that you're neglecting family time. it's your duty as a "faithful christian.") You've got to show your devotion to the church or you're a heathen. Really? Is that what Paul preached? EMPHATICALLY NO! Paul would be appalled (excuse the pun) at the church today!

And people wonder why there are those of us who are breaking the chains of religion and backtracking to what the New Testament teaches...

The Matrix

Hello, my fellow IC dropouts! I'm not sure if anyone even reads this blog anymore. But it's therapeutic for me to write anyway. I also write in hopes that someone will actually read it at some point and be able to connect with it.

Anyway, to the point! Have any of you ever watched The Matrix with spiritual eyes? If not, I HIGHLY recommend it! Watch it with the perspective that the Matrix=Religion. It will totally blow your mind! Enjoy!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find Out What It Means to Me

The number one problem I see in male/female relationships is a lack of respect. We don't respect each other. We don't respect our future spouse. We don't respect his/her future spouse. We don't respect God. We are very self-centered and focused on what WE want without regard as to what's best for the other person. This is a big issue to me. I struggle with this myself.

In male/female relationships, it's very easy to have "selfish" love. What's in it for us? How is this making ME happy? What can I benefit from this relationship? Society has trained us to be this way. But what about RESPECT? How DO we respect each other?

First of all, we have GOT to remember that (assuming this is a relationship between believers) the other person is the son/daughter of the King. With that in mind, knowing He sees every interaction, we should be quite careful how we interact. Also, in the beginning stages of a relationship, chances are you are unsure if this is your future spouse or not. There's always a chance he/she is not your future spouse. If not, would your future spouse be happy with your interaction with this person? Your thoughts toward them? Would their future spouse be happy with how you're treating them, what you're thinking about them? Instead of focusing on what YOU want out of the relationship, focus on, "how can I honor this person? How can I treat them with respect? Am I being respectful to my future spouse and his/her spouse? These are questions that need to remain at the forefront of our minds. If our thoughts are not pure toward them, we are not respecting them. If we want to test boundaries, we are not being respectful.

If you want to truly love, it starts with respect, plain and simple. If you can't respect me, then don't bother. :)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!

The Voice of One Calling in the Desert...

For the past 10 years, I have been walking in the proverbial "dry, barren wasteland," or spiritual desert. For the first 9 years, I fought it. It's only within the past year that I've come to accept that this is where I am and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been told that I'm in good company... all those who were "greats" in the Bible went through a desert period as well.

I've not understood my place in the desert. I've felt abandoned here. I've become angry with God for bringing me into this dry, barren wasteland. He has promised me that He was going to cause life and streams to spring up in the desert. He has said many things as to what He has called me to do. He has shown me that I'm meant to open the eyes of the blind and free the captives. Blind to what? Captive to what? Religion. I know that much.

But recently, I have seen the scripture again and again about being the voice of one calling in the desert. It irritated me, to be honest. Why? Because I didn't understand what it had to do with me. I just associated it with John and left it at that. But the wording caught my attention... "IN THE DESERT." God has said much to me about the desert... how that's where the Highway of Holiness is, how few can walk it, etc. So, what exactly is my part in all of this?

For years, I have felt drawn to the prophets of old. The books of the Bible that I'm drawn to are the books of the prophets, especially Isaiah and Jeremiah. But at the same time, I absolutely HATE reading in Jeremiah, especially. I keep reading of disobedience and wrath, doom and gloom. I have always perceived it as God telling me how I've messed up again and turned from Him and disappointed Him. I have not been able to read it through the eyes of seeing Him as a Loving God. I struggle with that still. Every time I read about how Israel blew it again, it upsets me.

I have known for years that I had the gift of discernment. I can read people very well and see things that "normal" people don't see. But I have been afraid to say that I operate in the prophetic. I've never uttered a prophecy. I've had words of knowledge, but I've never operated prophetically--saying what is to come. I have always been afraid of admitting that I thought I had that kind of calling on my life. It seems that it's okay to call yourself an evangelist or a pastor, or even an apostle. But in my upbringing, it has never been okay to label yourself a prophet(ess). Sure, people can walk in that calling, but it's not something you're supposed to admit to. I have always wanted that gifting, but never felt like I was "good enough" to walk in it. Nor did I feel free to express that I suspicioned it just may be one of my giftings.

The other day, my friend and mentor mentioned it to me. She thought I already knew that it was a gifting of mine. I sort of did, but not really. Having her recognize that in me seemed to make a huge difference. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, as if someone removed the veil from the mirror. It was as if it was confirmation that it's really okay to be ME. That I can accept who I am, who I'm called to be, and that it's okay. It seemed to fill me with relief as to why I walk the road I do. It suddenly made everything make sense.

So now my question is, how do I get back to where I'm supposed to be? How do I regain my passion for holiness? How do I regain my passion for revival? How do I regain my passion, period? How do I return to the woman I'm supposed to be? How do I accept this calling? How do I align myself so that I can walk in it? It looks like I've got a long road ahead of me to get where I need to be. *sigh* It's scary, to be honest. I'm trying to work through my walk away from the IC. I'm still trying to find balance. I'm still trying to find the difference between Religion and Relationship. I need to find that girl that I used to be and see if she can teach me a thing or two.

Wish List

There are some books on my wish list... some of which I have read but have lost, most of which I have yet to read.

Pagan Christianity (read the 1st edition but have since lost it. :( Want the new one)
Re-imagining Church
The Misunderstood God
Beautiful Outlaw
Blue Like Jazz
The Prodigal God
The Jesus I Never Knew
The Church In The Wilderness
God Without Religion
Mere Christianity: Finding Your Way Back to Jesus-Shaped Spirituality
Revise Us Again: Living from a Renewed Christian Script
Free Indeed? Are Christians Free Indeed or Enslaved by Religion?
When the Church Leaves the Building
Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith
Revolution

DISCLAIMER

I feel I should write a disclaimer about some of what you will read here. This blog is an outlet for me. It is a way to express my frustration with religion as well as what I have learned along the way. Some of what I say may come across as harsh. My apologies, but this is a place where I can say exactly what I'm thinking where I can't anywhere else. By reading this, you are seeing how my mind works in frustration, in revelation, in joy... This is a safe place for me to express what's on my heart. Unfortunately, what I have to say is not always sunshine and roses. Sometimes it comes across so frankly that you may perceive me to be rude. Keep in mind that what you read is only a PORTION of who I am. Unless you know me, you do not see how I interact with others. You don't see my smile or my tears. You don't know how my heart grieves or rejoices. What you see is simply my views on religion and my frustrations with it. So please don't judge me completely by what you see here.

Want to see a softer side? Check out my other blog for my Beloved. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of the love in my heart for my future husband. Though it is a very limited blog at this time, it is only a sample of what I have written to him. I have been writing letters to my Beloved since 2002. If that isn't love for someone I've never met, I don't know what is. They are the one thing in my life that I have been consistent in doing. They express my deepest longings, my struggles, and my joys. Many are much too personal to post. But what you see is a sample of my heart for him.

Tragedy

This morning I write with a heavy heart. Yesterday afternoon I lost two colleagues in a fatal car crash. These men were both Believers, so I at least have comfort in that. But I can't stop grieving for their families.

Anthony Blum was only 24. He was a son, a brother, a boyfriend, a coach, a teacher, a friend. I did not know him well, but my few encounters with him were enjoyable. I remember the first time I met him. He held the door open for me as we both headed toward the activities building to work a basketball game. He turned around and smiled at me and asked, "Are you following me?" From then on, it was a joke between us as to who was following whom. I wish I could have known him better. I keep thinking about his family and his girlfriend. I can't imagine what they must be going through. If I am grieving for him and didn't know him very well, how deep their grief must be! I was worried about them last night, that they wouldn't sleep. I'm up much earlier than I anticipated and already this morning they're on my heart.

Zane Harvey was 38. He had a wife and children. He was a worship leader at the E-Free church. He was our assistant boys' basketball coach. He taught for 14 years. I did not have an opportunity to meet Mr. Harvey. His wife and children were on my mind last night and are again this morning. I can't imagine the burden his wife now has to carry, trying to explain to the children that daddy's not coming home. It breaks my heart.

May these two men rest in peace. May their families find solace in this tragedy. May our community grow stronger through this atrocity. May peace rest on Broken Bow.

Fairy Tales

I don't really remember getting into fairy tales as a child. I'm sure I must've read them, but I don't really remember much about it. I do remember, however, believing I was a Princess Queen (which my parents, to this day, won't let me live down.) A Princess Queen? Well, here was my 7-year-old logic on that one: obviously, mom was Queen. I had a baby doll named Rebecca, who was obviously my daughter, and a princess. So the only logical title for the one in between the Queen and the Princess was PRINCESS QUEEN. Ha.

Anyway, back to my train of thought. I don't really know when it happened, but within the past few years I have really become attached to fairy tales. This is going to sound crazy, but they feel more real to me than reality. Something about them draws my heart. Something grips my heart and screams, "YES! You're onto something here!" My favorite TV Show is Once Upon a Time, which is brilliantly written, I must say. Something about it captivates me.

I have always known that my mind is "different," in a manner of speaking. I have even been called "eccentric." I have always known that I don't think like other people do. I seem to live in my own little world where strange things are normal. So I figured my obsession with fairy tales must be one of my oddities. I've written a lot from the viewpoint of fairy tales. I feel connected to them in a very abnormal way. I never really knew why... until now.

I am currently reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I connect with this author in a profound way. He gets right to the heart of a matter. In this instance, he truly gets to the HEART of the matter: the centrality and importance of the heart. I picked this book up at a yard sale a few weeks ago, simply because I love this author. Wild At Heart, Captivating, and The Sacred Romance were all amazing books. I picked this book up, not realizing the significance of this particular book in my life. It's been on my shelf for about 3 or 4 weeks. Here lately, I have noticed a hardness of heart. I am weary and apathetic when it comes to my relationship with God and others. I feel like giving up on God most days. I feel abandoned. I feel distant. I feel hopeless.

Last night I happened to notice the title of the book from my bed, up on the top shelf of my closet. Waking the Dead. Hmmmm, I'm feeling pretty dead right now. Maybe this will hold some answers for me. I picked it up and began to read. It's talking about how we are in a war for our hearts and how it's like a spell has been cast and put us in a deep slumber. It resonates deep within my heart. "YES, this is it!" So this is why fairy tales have resonated so deeply within me. There IS truth to them. There IS a world beyond what we see. There ARE dark forces at work to steal our happily ever after. And there IS a Prince who has come to save the day.

Suddenly it's all making so much sense.

Christianese

Is it just me or is the Christian lingo sickening? I detest being called "Sister." I loathe the religious BS and loaded phrases of the Christian culture. Just be real and talk to me like a normal human being. Don't try to sound spiritual. It just puts off those of us who want nothing to do with religious BS. I want a relationship with God, not sickeningly sweet niceties that make you sound as fake as the day is long. Seriously, it's sickening and makes me want to vomit. 

The Secret to Relationship Success

As a young woman nearing her 30s, I have witnessed a great deal. I have observed enough to be able to give this advice. I have encountered MANY broken hearts, as well as experienced it for myself, to discover the secret to relationship success. Are you ready?

Here's the secret: PURITY. Seriously, keep reading. It has been my experience and observation that when physical intimacy enters a relationship, emotional intimacy exits. It is my firm belief that an emotional bond should be built long before a physical one. I believe with all my heart that a successful relationship is one which begins as a friendship, evolves into courtship, and further evolves into a lifelong commitment. Women who engage in physical intimacy in the beginning of a relationship are more inclined to have their hearts broken.

I have watched many of my friends get their hearts pulled out, shattered, stomped on, and handed back to them. In fact, 9 times out of 10, they have been the ones to willingly give their hearts away to someone who hasn't expressed a desire for, nor worked to win their hearts. I have been that girl. I learned a valuable lesson 3 years ago. My ex-fiance once told me to stop pursuing him, that I wasn't a challenge. He said that I was so willing to give my heart to him that he didn't have to work for it. He wanted to pursue me, but I robbed him of that chance. Ladies, there's a reason for the "play hard to get." It's because it works. A man's primal instincts is to hunt. How much fun would it be for a hunter if the deer walked right up to him and said, "here I am, shoot me." Does that sound ludicrous? The whole issue is that they want the hunt. They want a trophy to show that they worked to get that deer. It wouldn't be as fun for them if there was no challenge. Ladies, men want a challenge!!!!!

So what do I propose? First of all, don't pursue a man, no matter how much you want to get to know him. If he's interested, he'll pursue you. Don't text him, don't call him. Don't kiss him. Don't throw yourself at him. Let HIM come to YOU. Then don't make it easy. Don't re-arrange your schedule to spend time with him. If you're busy, admit you're busy. It will enhance the experience for him. He will become that much more determined to get your attention and prove to himself (and you) that he's worth your time. Don't allow physical intimacy early on in the relationship. The level of physical intimacy should match the level of commitment. Spend more time communicating, getting to know one another, not making out.  If he says he's "busy" and that's why he hasn't called you in a few days, move on. A man who's smitten will make time for you no matter how busy he is.

I have actually had men tell me that they would rather have a woman who is pure than a girl who throws themselves at them. One man was honest enough to tell me that he would take advantage of a girl who offered herself so freely to him; but that once he got what he wanted (not her heart), he would move on to look for a woman who wasn't so easily available. The kind of woman he would make a commitment to is the kind of woman who knows her worth and makes him work to win her heart.

Confidence is key. Know that you're worth it. If the guy isn't paying attention to you, don't dwell on him. Hold out for the one who makes you feel like one in a million. I recently read a series by Karen Kingsbury and the character's mother said, "Bailey, you will know the right one because he will pursue you like a dying man in a desert pursues water." I loved that! She hit the nail on the head. If he's not pursuing you, he's not worth your time! Know your worth and know you are worth being pursued! Before you know it, that right man will be pursuing you like a dying man in a desert searches for water.

Arrogance vs. Confidence

arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions


confidence: the quality or state of being certain : certitude <they had every confidence of success>


As has been stated over and over in my past blogs, I grew up in churches. I remember my parents trying to instill confidence in me, always telling me I was beautiful, smart, that I could do anything I set my mind to. However, all that was unwittingly destroyed by the church's stance on humility. I remember it being shoved down my throat that we should not be confident in anyone but God. We can do nothing good in and of ourselves. We shouldn't focus on the outward appearance. Blah blah blah.


As a result, I have seen a great atrocity in our society. We have stripped our women of confidence, as well as our young men. We wonder why so many young people, even those who are churched, are engaging in the things they are: sexual activity, gangs, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, etc. As I have said in past blogs regarding beauty, etc., I firmly believe that if we would instill CONFIDENCE into our young people, they would be a lot stronger in their stand against such vices. 


One thing that plagues me about my upbringing in church is that if I ever felt good about myself, I felt guilty. I've noticed that young women, both churched and unchurched, feel the need to combat a compliment with a negative appraisal of themselves. Ex.: "Wow, you look very pretty today!" "Whatever, I look like a fat cow." These negative responses are not innate, but what we feel we are expected to say out of humility. As we repeat these negative appraisals of ourselves over and over, we eventually come to believe them. At first, it's a matter of fear. We fear someone will think we are arrogant to say, "Thanks, I feel pretty today." After all, socially it's not the norm. We fear what other women will say about us if we say anything positive about ourselves. But after a while, we begin to believe those negative appraisals.


 
I have learned to see myself as beautiful, both inside and out. It wasn't easy. I read the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. That's where my journey began. I have documentation from my younger years that show my self-loathing. I have watched myself slowly emerge from that mindset just over the past 5 years. After reading "Captivating," I understood God's view of me. I understood that it was okay to appreciate beauty, that to negate my own beauty was an insult to my Creator. I began to say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." I stopped measuring myself against the Barbie dolls around me and began seeing myself as a unique individual. For that, I am forever grateful. 


One thing I have witnessed is this: Women who are not confident will have sex with a man to gain his adoration. But once he has had his fill and moved on, she is crushed and left feeling she was not enough. On the other hand, a woman who knows her worth knows she should be respected and will have high standards. She will not open the door to a relationship with a man that would disrespect her. She will be bold enough to say up front, "I know my worth. You will treat me with respect. I will not have sex with you. You will either win my heart or die trying. If you can't accept that, hit the road now." A confident woman, though lonely at times, can withstand singleness because she knows her existence and worth is not dependent on the appraisal of a man. She is a rare jewel, one worth far more than diamonds. She is the one who will "live happily ever after," because she knows who she is, whose she is, and that she is beautiful. That confidence is beautiful, not arrogant. 


I now know my worth. I am not so arrogant as to walk around thinking I'm better than anyone else. But I know who I am, whose I am, and that I am beautiful. So ladies, please, PLEASE take this to heart. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! It's okay to admit it. It's okay to believe it. Besides making a difference in our choices, CONFIDENCE IS SEXY! Arrogance is not. Just remember the difference. Know your worth, admit your worth, but don't act like you're better than others. If you are a confident woman surrounded by women who are not, raise them up. If we can increase the number of confident women, we will see a change in our society. I've said it before and I believe it with all my heart. BE CONFIDENT!

The Word Became Flesh

I was reading in John chapter 1 last night, anticipating the possibility of a Bible study with friends. It begins, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." 


The thought struck me. The Bible is not the Word? What? I've seen much discourse recently that the Bible is never spoken of as God's Word. It is Yeshua (Jesus) who is God's Word. The Bible is an inspired work of God, but not the totality of the Word. We have put God in a box and squeezed him within its pages. 


So what does that mean, The Word? John 1:14 says, "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." Okay, so THE WORD was Yeshua. We've established that. But what exactly does that mean? 


(I use www.blueletterbible.org for study purposes. On that site, you can click on the C for concordance and get the original Hebrew or Greek for the scripture. Below that is a breakdown of the scripture where you can choose the specific word you are looking for: in this case "The Word." I clicked on that and it brought up it's definitions, but it also mentions "Vines" and says, "See Entry." As I clicked on that link, it brought up a list of definitions available through Vine's Expository Dictionary. I prefer Vine's over other reference materials. I scrolled down until I found the listing with the scriptures John 1:1-1:18, I believe.) This is what it says:

"(II) "The Personal Word," a title of the Son of God; this identification is substantiated by the statements of doctrine in Jhn 1:1-18, declaring in verses Jhn 1:1, 2

(1) His distinct and superfinite Personality,

(2) His relation in the Godhead (pros, "with," not mere company, but the most intimate communion),

(3) His deity; in Jhn 1:3 His creative power; in Jhn 1:14 His Incarnation ("became flesh," expressing His voluntary act; not as AV, "was made"), the reality and totality of His human nature, and His glory "as of the only begotten from the Father," RV (marg., "an only begotten from a father"), the absence of the article in each place lending stress to the nature and character of the relationship; His was the Shekinah glory in open manifestation; Jhn 1:18 consummates the identification: "the only-begotten Son (RV marg., many ancient authorities read "God only begotten,"), which is in the bosom of the Father, He hath declared Him," thus fulfilling the significance of the title "Logos," the "Word," the personal manifestation, not of a part of the Divine nature, but of the whole Deity (see IMAGE).

The title is used also in 1Jo 1:1, "the Word of life" combining the two declarations in Jhn 1:1, 4 and Rev 19:13 (for 1Jo 5:7see THREE)."

So He is the Sheikinah glory manifested. He is the personal manifestation of God's will, of the totality of Deity. HE IS.

I got to thinking back to the Genesis account. He spoke His Word, and immediately life was created. So when Yeshua, The Word, was "spoken" or sent, new life was created. The Bible does not produce life. The Word produces life. Yes, we can use it as an access to Yeshua, to get to know Him. Yes, it is important to know the history. But the Bible is a compilation of letters, written with inspiration from God. They are not His Word. They are men's words about Him. 

With this new understanding of The Word, think about Isaiah 55:11, "So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper [in the thing] whereto I sent it." So think about it this way. Yeshua is the Word. He accomplished what God sent Him to do: He brought new life to a spiritually dead people. He encompassed the Law and gave us freedom in Grace. He saved us from sin, paid the debt (the wages of sin are death), and rose again to show victory over death hell and the grave. He did not return to the Father without accomplishing what He said He would do. Doesn't that show that He fulfilled that scripture? Who knew that's what God was talking about when He spoke those words to Isaiah!

Remember, seeking HIM is the goal. Don't just read your Bible, but seek to know Him intimately. Don't only search for Him within the pages of Your Bible. Surely, He's there. You can learn a lot about Him. But the key word is ABOUT. Truly get to know the Word. Find out His character, His Love. Get to know the Word. You will be surprised at what you find. :)

Origins of Easter: SHOCKING!

http://www.thinknot.net/easter.htm

Three Days and Three Nights?

http://www.biblestudy.org/basicart/was-jesus-in-the-grave-for-three-days-and-nights.html

A Lily Among Thorns

This morning, a silent rage (long dormant) has been awakened. It's not so much about religion as it is about the general state of modern humanity. I've had this soapbox for years about femininity and masculinity. This morning I encountered someone I used to know and love and found myself appalled at the self-centeredness I observed. I realized once again that this seems to be the general state of humanity as a whole. Yet again, my ire was fueled.

I often remark that I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born back in Victorian times, when women were expected to be lady-like and men were expected to be chivalrous. Crude behavior was kept on the down-low, not exhibited in public. I marvel at how times have changed, but not in a good way. I'm appalled at the endangerment of chivalry and sacred femininity.

My encounter this morning reminded me how lucky I am to be single. This person was one whom I held in high regard for many years. He was my first love who set the stage for all future encounters. Now as I view his character, I wonder how it is that I ever cared for him. It's great to get closure and put to rest those fairytale memories of how things were. I'm remembering in sharp clarity the true nature of our "love," which was not love at all. After all, we were kids. I used to miss how he made me feel all those years ago. But now, I wouldn't trade my singleness for it. All the loneliness in the world couldn't make me lower my standard to be with someone so self-centered. I would rather have a gentleman who treats me right, who loves me for all my good qualities (not just my physical attributes) than to be with someone who makes me melt physically but lacks in moral character.

I was somewhat saddened by my encounter, truthfully. I felt sorry for this person. I look at my own heart and realize I still have the capacity for love. I have an open heart with a propensity for true love. But this person does not have the capacity for love. He is so caught up in the pleasures of this life that he will never be able to open his heart to pure love. I am so thankful that Abba has kept me pure. I am thankful that I can see with clarity the purity of my own heart.

I find myself longing to stand out from other women. For too long I've blended in. I'm kept myself at a mundane level. I've lowered the standard for myself and allowed myself to be jaded. I've convinced myself that it's okay to be mediocre and take the middle road. But today I'm reminded that I'm born to be royalty. I'm not supposed to be like everyone else. I'm supposed to raise the standard and live a life of purity pleasing to my True Love. I'm supposed to be a lily among thorns, the model of sacred femininity. It's time to be a true lady. In so doing, I hope to be invisible to men who are not chivalrous but stand out to the ones who are.

More Than Enough?

I see these religious cliches and it really bothers me. (No offense to my friend who inspired this, but it got me thinking.) I hear these cliches, "Jesus is all I need," and "You're more than enough for me," etc. And I can't help but think, "that's the biggest bunch of malarkey I've ever heard." If God was all I needed, then He wouldn't have put a desire for fellowship with others in my heart. If he was more than enough, I would be content to have a relationship with just Him and would not have a longing for earthly companionship. I'm sorry, it sounds bad to say it, but He's NOT all I need. He may HAVE all I need, but He's not enough for me. I need earthly companionship. I need affection. I need a lot of things that He can provide, but that He isn't to me. Make sense? I don't think He ever intended to be "all I ever needed." I think He wants to be first and foremost in my life, but I don't think He wants me to just be content with just Him and no one else. Otherwise, I would be content. I wouldn't have the desire for human companionship. But I do. And unfortunately, He isn't more than enough for me; He isn't all I need. He's the source of what I need; He's the giver of what I need. But I need more than just Him.

Depression and Religion

This has been a sore spot for me for some time. Many people out there are clinically depressed. But the church will tell these people that they don't have enough faith, that they're not holy enough, that they obviously don't have "enough of Jesus" or they wouldn't be depressed. I know because I am one of those people who has suffered from depression and anxiety for a very long time.

There's a stigma on those of us with "mood disorders," especially within the walls of religion. I remember in high school being prayed over for my paranoia, anxiety, and depression. I had not been diagnosed, but I suffered deeply from it. I still do. In 2005, I was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder, which is a mild form of bipolar disorder. DISCLAIMER: bipolar disorder is NOT schizophrenia, nor is it Multiple Personality Disorder. Bipolar disorder is where you are on an emotional roller coaster... you have extreme highs and extreme lows. Bipolar persons do NOT hear voices or have alter egos. So don't get confused by the Hollywood portrayal of Bipolar persons. There are many famous people, such as Robin Williams, who are bipolar.

Okay, now back to my soapbox. As I said, in 2005, I was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder. I've had people pray and pray and rebuke it off of me. I'm still "bipolar," people! It is a chemical disorder in the brain. I have had people tell me that it's demonic, etc., etc. I don't necessarily agree with that. It's simply a misfiring of neurons.

I have known so many people who have become stigmatized by the church because of depression. Instead of cracking the whip and telling us how plagued we are, why not just love us and support us? Chances are, if we had more support from our friends, we wouldn't suffer from AS much depression as we do. The constant beating from religion just crushes people even more. Stop trying to cast out demons and just love and support and pray for us.

So that's my soapbox for today...

From a former slave to religion,
Maegan V.

Life In The Wilderness-A New Thing

Yesterday I discovered that the ihop website has 24/7 live streaming. Now, I still miss intense worship and being able to feel Abba's presence. I know that for individuals, it is real. Sincere hearts, whether chained by religion or not, do not go unnoticed. But as I was watching this live worship service, I began to feel grief. "God, why did you take that away from me?" I whispered, at least once. There were times I just wasn't into what was going on. Rather I was watching the people, thinking, "why are you doing that? You look stupid!" It was almost like watching a ridiculous comedy. I know, I know. Who am I to judge? But seriously, some of the things people do to look "spiritual" looks downright ridiculous. You can tell who is really sincere about what's going on and who's putting on a show. And it was at that point, I couldn't bear to watch any longer. *sigh*

I felt let down. I remember going to the Burn 24/7 worship sets in Shawnee, OK. That was the only place I could find refuge. I couldn't find what I was looking for in the church, but at the Burn it was totally different. God met me there. So, (last night) with a heavy heart, I shut off my computer, feeling lonelier than I have in a while. I felt like I couldn't express my grief to anyone for the fear of being judged. Church people would tell me how I was missing out and that I needed to "get right" with God. People outside the church would want to know why I was still looking towards the IC. I felt lonely... incredibly lonely. I don't fit anywhere. Who could possibly understand?

I asked God to meet me there, in my bedroom. I opened my Bible to read, hoping He would answer me. I don't remember what I opened up to, but it said something to the effect of, "Forget the former things. Don't dwell on the past. See, I'm doing a new thing? Do you not perceive it?" It went on to talk about how He's making streams in the desert and causing life to burst forth there in the wilderness. Each time I opened my Bible, it was a different place, but it was saying the same thing, generally.

I read about people who had eyes to see, but were blind; who had ears to hear, but were deaf. Abba spoke to me and said, "They are not physically blind and deaf; but spiritually so. You are to lead them out of their bondage and into the Freedom I have for them. They are blind to see the chains on them. They are deaf to the lies being told to them. They don't know they have been taken captives. I will open their eyes and their ears, but I need you to help them find their way out." Abba continued to speak to me about the dry barren wasteland. "Yes, I have led you into the dry barren wasteland. I have led you into the Wilderness. But I have not left you with no provisions. I am causing streams to break forth. I am causing vegetation to bloom. The Wilderness you once knew will at once become a garden in which you can revel. You will walk with me in intimacy in the cool of the day, just as Adam and Eve did. I have not abandoned you to be eaten by wild animals. It is in the Wilderness that there is a highway being built: The Way of Holiness. It is only through the wilderness that you will find it. Your wilderness experience may be different from someone else's. But rest assured, the Wilderness is the place to be. I am doing a new thing. Forget the past. Don't grieve for what you think you have lost. I am not there. I am here with you now."

Sometimes I think it's neat how God answers me. I'm hoping that this dry barren wasteland will burst forth with life very soon. I'm praying for a companion to join me. Some days are lonelier than others. But there's no doubt that this wilderness is a very lonely place, despite the fact that there are thousands of us out here traveling. It's so vast, that we each can travel hundreds of miles in any direction and not bump into one another. I'm hoping we begin to find each other soon.

Insomnia and Baby Fever

It's about 1:15 a.m. (Dec 26th, 2011). I went to bed and slept for about 3 hours, but awoke and could not go back to sleep. I was a bit too hot, couldn't get comfortable, and had too many things on my mind. This blog post will be about nothing in particular... more along the lines of free writing. HA. It's an attempt to clear my mind so maybe I will be able to go back to sleep soon.

So, it's been on my heart for a few years to adopt a child. My desire to be a mother outweighs my desire to be a wife. That's almost hard to believe since I have a strong desire to be a wife. When I was in Oklahoma, I went through the process of trying to adopt through DHS. At the time I was turned down because I didn't have enough income. :/ I was very discouraged. It seems that the desire to adopt is a recurring or incessant one. I find myself researching it again and again, hoping to find sources which can help me. I'm specific about the child I want. I want a baby girl who is deaf. I would accept a hearing child just the same, but I really want to mother a deaf child. I hear all the time of children in other countries who live in orphanages, unwanted simply because they are deaf. It breaks my heart. Everything in me wants to go rescue a sweet baby girl. But, alas, I have run into obstacles in my journey. First of all, being a single woman makes it difficult to adopt from some other countries. I know China will only adopt out to couples. Bummer. China is one of the places that has orphanages replete with deaf children, most of whom are girls. But in addition to being single, I'm not wealthy. I do have a good job that allows me to have more than enough to take care of a child. But my credit is terrible. I have student loans out from all those years in college. My credit is in the basement. So of course, no one would finance my venture to adopt. I can't go through the state of NE because they won't adopt out children under the age of 7. I want to adopt a child as young as possible. I want to be the one to imprint on them, to bond with them, to teach them. I don't know that I am strong enough to handle a child who has 7 years of baggage from being in the system. I know those children need loving parents as much as any other child, but I just can't handle that kind of situation.

Each night I "daydream" in order to make myself fall asleep. As I lay thinking, I was daydreaming about adopting a deaf baby. I was thinking about how to teach my child to sign. I was excited as I thought about how many deaf friends I have who could help me be the best parent I could possibly be to a deaf child. I was also thinking about that program with the flashcards that teaches babies to read. I have a friend whose grandson was doing the program and it really worked. The concept is correct: seeing words, not letters. That's how we teach fingerspelling to new ASL students. We try to train them to see the shape of the words instead of looking at individual letters. I was thinking about how I could take those flashcards and pair it with signs and teach my baby to read English and learn ASL at the same time. AWESOME! I guess I got a little excited about the idea, because it was in my sleep and ultimately what woke me up, I think.

Upon waking, I had to send a message to my friend to find out how her grandson was doing with the flashcards. I wanted to know what the name of the program is as well as what kinds of words were on the flashcards. Leave it to me to plan ahead. I'm the kind of woman who has my wedding planned out... I have my wedding dress, bouquet, shoes, you name it. The only thing I don't have is a groom. So it should come as no surprise that I'm nesting baby things now. I already crocheted a baby blanket, booties, and hat for my future baby girl. I plan on crocheting a set for a baby boy too, just in case. I am thinking that I would like to start making my own set of flash cards for my baby. Why spend money on the program when I'm smart enough to make my own? I was also thinking that I really do need to start nesting. What if, by some miracle, I do get to adopt? Then what? I have nothing for a baby... no baby bed, no baby monitor, no baby toys, no baby clothes. So I'm thinking I'm going to start collecting for my baby. I already have a "Beloved Box," which is full of sentimental items for my future husband. I have been writing him letters for probably 10 years now and collecting anything and everything I see that says "Beloved." So why not have a baby box too? I have some items for when my children are older: a tiny tea set, dolls, etc. But I need baby stuff. So I think I'm going to start getting stuff every month and putting back for my baby. That way, should I become a mommy, I'll be prepared. If nothing else, it will give me hope that some day it will happen.

Double Standards

I have a soap box to get on. I am really pissed right now. I hear all these christians rising up and complaining that their rights are being violated because people are choosing not to say, "Merry Christmas" so as to not offend anyone. I don't have a problem with this. I think if they want to say Merry Christmas, that's their right and their choice to do so. They don't care if they're offending anyone by not saying it. That's their prerogative. But what is NOT right is the double standard. It's okay for them to shove their theology and cute little story about 3 wise men looking at a baby in a manger (which btw, is not biblically correct) down everyone's throat. But they do not respect the rights of those of us who do not celebrate christmas to voice our beliefs.

It would be one thing if I was being hateful and telling everyone to take their christmas and shove it, etc. etc. I have not done that. My problem with christmas is that it is a pagan holiday. I have no problem with the festivities of the season. i have no problem with the music, decorations, santa, and all of the fun stuff that goes along with it. I'm not going to be overly religious about it and shun the whole season. I love the season just as much as anyone else. My family and I do gift exchanges and participate in others' celebration of the holiday season. However, it is my right to not celebrate "christmas" like everyone else does. I celebrate my Savior everyday; I do not need to associate my King with a pagan deity who was born on Dec. 25th. Yes, I get aggravated when I hear the same old twisted tale of Yeshua's birth (there were not 3 wise men; and by the time the astrologers and kings (a vast army of them) reached Him, he was approximately 2 years old.) I do get frustrated, but I do not attack others about it. I just choose not to read about it. I accept that it is some peoples' choice to believe the story Religion has told them. That's fine for them, but it's not for me.

It amazes me how Christians expect everyone to respect their rights, but they do not respect anyone else's. Do not attack me or psychoanalyze me because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I celebrate every season. I do not devote just one day a year to my King. I devote every day to Him. I am not a heathen because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I do enjoy the festivities, but I choose not to christianize a pagan holiday. It seems to be okay for Christians to shun Halloween because they claim it's the devil's day  or a pagan holiday. Yet God forbid you speak against their beloved Christmas. You don't have to agree with me, but I do expect you to respect my decision to not celebrate it. It is something Abba has revealed to me. I don't expect anyone else to give up Christmas. I know it's a lot to ask. I don't think that it's something that will send you to hell or anything like that. I simply choose not to out of respect. I don't push my beliefs on anyone. You have the right to delete me or to not read what I post.

One more thing: if you open up the subject of the history of Christmas, remember that you started it. Don't get upset when you start the subject and only tell the parts that support what you believe. If you are going to post your study of the holiday's history, don't get bent out of shape when someone else says, "dig a little deeper." Does it threaten you that much to know that your beloved holiday has a pagan history? Just remember: don't try to support your theory with history if you are not willing to accept the full history.


P.S. Christmas is not the only pagan holiday Christians celebrate: Easter and Valentine's day are pagan as well.

Chronic Singleness

  No opinions on religion here... just me being real (not that i'm not with the other topic, but you know...) and expressing what's on my heart. This time of year, for me, is the hardest. It's when the longing for my Beloved aches to my core. It screams into the void chasms of my heart. And I can't help but analyze it...

  When you've been single for as long as I have (2 years now) you began to start wondering why. I consider myself a pretty confident woman these days. But in these moments, my insecurities surface. I'm told that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, talented, sweet... all the things a man should want in a woman. So I beg the question... why am I still single? It's not only been 2 years since I was in a relationship; it's been 2 years since anyone has asked me out.

  When I'm defending my single state, I say that I'm single by choice. Certainly, I've had opportunities to get married. I've been engaged twice and had several others who wanted to marry me. But, with the exception of my last engagement/relationship, I always felt like I was settling. And if I were to be REALLY honest with myself, I would have to say that I can't even exclude my last beau. Oh, he was quite handsome. In fact, he's the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life. I was in awe of the fact that he was interested in ME. It was almost beyond comprehension because guys like that never EVER notice me. But beyond his looks, I was settling with him too. It's the first (AND LAST) time I've ever been in an abusive relationship. He never laid a hand on me, but boy was he controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive. Anyway, the point is, I've always settled for guys that weren't up to my standard. So therefore, I say I'm single by choice.

HOWEVER... at times like this I wonder just how much of a choice I really have when there's no opportunity. It's not that I want the attention of guys that are below my standards... I don't. But I do want the good guys to notice me for once. It seems the only ones I'm attracted to don't reciprocate for one reason or another. And I'm not a "make the first move" kind of girl. I guess some could argue that. Haha. Okay, yes I'm bold enough to initiate conversation and give a man an opportunity to pursue me. But I won't ask a man out or pursue him.

I don't know... it just makes me wonder what guys see when they look at me. Maybe I should've worded that "gentlemen" or something besides guys in general. I know what some guys see and I work to avoid that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I want to be pursued for my heart, not for my body. But as much as that narrows it down, that's still not adequate. After all, there are some really wonderful gentlemen out there that I'm just not attracted to for whatever reason. So there's not even adequate words to say what I'm wanting to express. That small group of men whom I find attractive (and gentlemanly behavior is part of that)... they're the ones I'm curious about. What is it about me that keeps them at bay?

So yeah... just thinking I suppose. I'm sure my single friends can relate to the, "why am I still single?" question. Funny how I can be confident in lots of areas and still be insecure in others. Obviously this is one of those tender spots for me. So yeah... anyway, thanks for reading as I "think out loud." ha.

Sin and Relationship

I have been thinking a lot about sin since I came across that blog about it the other day. It's really been on my heart to expose the truth about it. There are a million thoughts that run through my mind about this topic. So if this is a long one, please forgive me because I have a lot on my heart. 


First of all, we were taught by Religion that our sin separates us from God. Yes, this is scriptural. But let's look at it a little bit more. I feel like Abba is speaking to me about this. He says the reason our sin separates us from Him is not that He turns His back on us. It is that we are too ashamed to go to Him. Look at it this way... you're a parent. Your child does something to REALLY piss you off. Do you cut off relationship with the child? NO! The child may be too ashamed to come to you, but you don't stop loving your child. You don't forbid the child to come before you. It's the child's decision to stay away out of shame, not because you forbade them. You don't require them to stay in their bedroom permanently and stay away from you and the rest of the family. You may be angry, but you don't cut off relationship.


Secondly, I think about how Religion taught us that the reason YHWH turned His back on Yeshua "despising our sin," as I've heard it put. But is that really the case? We've been taught that Abba cannot look on sin. In that case, He wouldn't be able to look at anyone on earth. We all have sinned and fallen short. I think, and it's merely my opinion, that the reason Abba couldn't look on Yeshua is because He couldn't stand to see what Religion did to His Son. He was grieved at the atrocity before Him. Yeshua felt abandoned; but in His heart, He knew that Abba didn't abandon Him. 


I was just reading a blog of a fellow blogger whom God spoke to clearly about how He feels about Religion. He asked her, "Don't you get that I don't see your sin? Not through the blood." (Paraphrased) We just don't get that we are covered and we are NOT separated from God except that we stand off, ashamed. 


Now, here's a scripture that God showed my mom about 12 years ago. 1 John 5:16 "If anyone sees his brother commit a sin that does not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that he should pray about that." First, let me ask... who is a brother? A brother is simply a fellow believer with whom you have relationship and know that he/she has a relationship with Abba. If you see a brother sin (with the exception of blasphemy, denouncing God), you can pray for him and God will forgive him of that sin. Simple as that. But Religion will tell you otherwise. 


I think about how Religion tells us that God won't allow us to come into His presence if we are "walking in sin." But I propose another thought. First of all, look at the prodigal son. He had squandered his father's money, screwed around, and was a total screw up. He had been with the pigs, so you can imagine just how rank he was. He was filthy. He was ashamed and said, "I know I'm not worthy to be called a son, but maybe Dad will allow me to be one of his servants." His shame prevented him from going home for a long time, but when he finally did, what happened? Keep in mind, Papa's pretty wealthy and probably dressed in nice clothes, bathed, etc. when sonny comes home. So Sonny comes home with his rehearsed speech about his unworthiness, and what did Papa do? He embraced him! Yep, stinky sonny who had been laying with the pigs, hadn't bathed in probably months. Papa threw his arms around him and welcomed him home. He did not tell him, "oh, son, I can't talk to you until you're cleaned up. Don't touch me." NO! He embraced him, and then told his servants to clean him up and put him in the finest clothes. Let's look at this another way. You're a parent again. You're all dressed up in a VERY fancy white suit/dress. Your child is out playing in the mud and comes inside. Do you tell the child you won't talk to him or have anything to do with him until he's cleaned up? EMPHATICALLY, NO! You may not allow the child to hug you, but you will make sure the child gets cleaned up and taken care of. You may not be happy that the child is filthy, but you don't cut off relationship or refuse to talk to him. And if it's a child who has run away and cut off contact with you out of shame, you're not going to care about that white suit. You will embrace that child. After all, you can always have the suit cleaned or buy a new one. Relationship with your child is more important than cleanliness. It's the same way with Abba. He still wants to have relationship with us, regardless of how filthy we are. He's not concerned with our filth rubbing off on Him. He's immune to it. He can clean us off.  But nothing is more important to Him than relationship with us.


So put out of your mind how much you've screwed up. Stop hiding from Abba just because you're dirty and been hanging with the pigs. Don't let Religion separate you from Abba. He's there waiting for you with arms wide open. Come home.

Holley-Wood Art

For those of you who don't know me, I am also an artist in addition to what you read here. If you're on facebook, go check out my page! https://www.facebook.com/HolleyWoodArt

This page is a compilation of artist pieces my dad and I have done. Most of the pieces are a form of art called pyrography (otherwise known as woodburning). I have only been an artist for the past 8 or 9 years. I discovered the joy and relaxation of woodburning when I was in high school and have been trying to improve my skill ever since. Also on the page are pieces I have airbrushed as well as pieces my dad has airbrushed. There are also carvings and painted items on the page as well. Hope you "like" it! :D

Maegan V.
(AKA Holley)

Sin vs. Missing the Mark

I have been studying Hebrew letters online to teach myself to read and pronounce Hebrew. As I was working on these letters, I came across this:

One of the most commonly mistranslated Hebrew words is chait, which we usually see translated as "sin."

Sin is one of those words we tend to find repellant.Many of us grew up in non-Jewish societies and as a result of that influence we think of sin as some horrible evil, connected with endless guilt, eternal damnation and a host of other associations that are equally unpalatable.

Does chait really mean that?

No.

The meaning of the word is usually defined by the context of how it is used.So for example, In the Book of Judges (20:16), slingers from the tribe of Benjamin are described as being so good with their weapon that they can "aim at a hair and not chait."

Could this mean to "aim at a hair and not sin"? It makes no sense.

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Could this mean to "aim at a hair and not sin"? It makes no sense. Obviously the text means to aim at a hair and not "miss," i.e. not to hit off target.

Another example is in the Book of Kings I (1:21). King David is on his death bed and his wife, Bathsheba, comes to him and says, "If Solomon does not become king after you then Solomon and I will be chataim." Solomon and Bathsheba will be sinners? It means that Solomon and Bathsheba will not reach their potential, will not make the grade, will not measure up.

A third example: The Hebrew for one of the many sacrificial offering is chatot, from the same root as the word chait. This offering -- called in English a "sin offering" -- can only be brought for something done unintentionally.In fact, if a person purposely committed a violation, he is forbidden to bring a chatot. It is truly a "mistake offering" rather than a "sin offering."

"Off target," "not reaching the mark," "mistake," and "unintentional" are all indications that the word chait does not mean "sin."

A more accurate translation of the Hebrew chait is "error" or "mistake."

A more accurate translation of the Hebrew chait is "error" or "mistake."

People don't "sin." People make mistakes. After all, we are human. And the Jewish way is to learn from our mistakes. We apologize, clean up any mess, and move on with life.

Of course, there can be real ramifications to our mistakes.

If a glass of milk is dropped, the milk is gone and the glass is shattered. So what do we do?

We deal with the fallout and fix what we can. Our amends may include a sincere apology, removing the shards, getting the carpet cleaned and buying a new bottle of milk. But we do not become steeped in guilt over our "sin."

Note that there are other words in Hebrew which are also mistranslated as "sin," but which convey a more serious misdeed than an error.To cite two examples: avon, refers to willful, knowing transgression of God's law where one's desires get the upper hand; pesha, refers to a willful transgression done specifically to spite God.

However, the most common word translated as "sin" is chait. The "sin" of Adam and Eve was chait, a mistake.

So many of the concepts we may have in our minds may really not be Jewish at all. Taking a fresh look can give us great insights and clarity -- and tips to make our lives more meaningful. ~(http://www.aish.com/jl/48964596.html)

Micah 4:6-8 says, "'In that day,' declares the LORD, 'I will gather the lame; I will assemble the exiles and those I have brought to grief. I will make the lame a remnant, those driven away a strong nation. The LORD will rule over them in Mount Zion from that day and forever. As for you, O watchtower of the flock, O stronghold of the Daughter of Zion, the former dominion will be restored to you; kingship will come to the Daughter of Jerusalem.'"

Who are the lame? Who are the exiles? Who are those whom God has brought to grief? This leaped out at me as I was reading last night and I felt like Abba was showing me that those of us who have left the institution of religion fit this profile. We are the lame... why? We've been beat up by religion. We walk with a limp if we walk at all. Some of us have been nearly murdered (spiritually speaking) by religion. Exiles? Yep, I've been exiled into what I call the dry barren wasteland, or the wilderness. I hear many others talk about being in the wilderness. "Those I have brought to grief..." I don't know about you, but this wilderness experience has been full of grief for me. I have lost so much (yet gained so much more). But it has not been a pleasant experience as I walk through the dry barren wasteland.

I really feel like this was Abba's way of encouraging me that I'm where He wants me to be, and that He is gathering us and making us a strong group. He is bringing us out of the woodwork to find one another and band together. We are learning what it means when it says, "Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom," and "It is for freedom You've set us free." There are supposedly thousands of us out there who have rejected religion and cried out that we want more of Abba. We want freedom in our relationship! And here in Micah, he has a little tidbit just for us. How awesome is that? He speaks to those of us who feel lame, exiled, and grieved. And here, He speaks hope to us. :)

Loneliness and Desperation in the Wilderness

This time of year particularly gets to me. For several years I've wrestled over whether or not I celebrate Christmas. Today, the answer is: sorta. I have prayed about what God wants me to do and feel like God is okay with me celebrating the season. It's the season I love... the music, the food, the festivities, the decorations. But I despise the false Christianization of it. I choose not to celebrate it as the church celebrates it. I refuse to belittle my Savior by equating him with a pagan god. I choose not to celebrate the birth of Tammuz or Nimrod on December 25th. Instead, I celebrate the season. My parents and I buy gifts for one another at the beginning of the month and celebrate around the middle of the month. We have a "holiday" meal, but usually for New Year's Eve or some time other than Dec. 25th. But I also refuse to be religious in any way, shape or form about the matter. I will not entirely stand against the celebration of Christmas and be bound by religion in that manner, either. I enjoy my freedom to enjoy the season without putting religious bondage on myself.

I find that this time of year pulls on my heartstrings more. I start an intense search for like-minded believers and fellowship more this time of year than any other. I can't explain why other than loneliness. I guess when it comes right down to it, that's the core of my search. I'm lonely... not just for human affection... but I am lonely for spiritual affection. I look back on the days when I was in the IC and I remember the times of worship. Granted, for some it may not have been real. But for me, it was. I know that God honored my heart in that. He allowed me to feel His sweet Presence in spite of my religious bondage. I had a very close relationship with Him while I was under the IC. He held me close when i cried out to Him. I know that God uses people within the IC in spite of themselves. Many times He spoke to me prophetically. So even though I'm happy to be free of the IC, I do have some fond memories of how God moved in spite of Religion simply because I did not know any better. But I know better now, and He no longer appeases me when I search for Him in the IC. I realized when I was 17 or 18 that God had left the church. I desperately searched for Him within the church, but could not find Him. I was heart-broken. But that's what began my journey.

I'm in a place now where I am happy to be on this journey and to have freedom from Religion. But it's not easy. I'm at least finding others like myself, so that's good. I know that it was no accident that I stumbled across the ABCD ( www.bornagainchurchdropouts.org) and began to find out that I'm not alone. I at least have a connection to other believers who won't chastise me for my beliefs. But they also have balance and don't lean to the worldly side of things out of spite towards the IC. I am grateful for knowing that so many have walked such a similar path as I. That alone is a huge relief, to know that God brought me out of Egypt into the wilderness and is leading me into the Promised Land; that He didn't abandon me in the wilderness.

But still... there's a desperation that motivates me and frustrates me. I'm desperate for true companionship. I need intimacy in my life. This time of year reminds me that I don't have that. I don't have the intimacy with Yahweh that I desire. I don't have anyone in my life whom I can cuddle up to and pour my heart out to, share my life with. It's at times like this, when the hunger for intimacy drives me insane, that I become desperate to find whatever it is I'm looking for. Thank goodness Abba is protecting me, because through desperation I begin to lower my standards. I begin to compromise and convince myself I could accept someone with not-so-desirable traits. But in my heart of hearts, I know what Abba promised me. I get so frustrated being so limited. I don't know how it could possibly play out and so I try to make it happen myself. I don't see the possibility of anyone in my area believing like I do and being what I need. So I try to compromise and accept what I know I shouldn't. 

It seems that this is such a lonely road, though I hear there are thousands just like me. Where are they?! How do I find them? When it comes to meeting someone for romantic interests, the choices are very limited. It feels as though my only 2 choices are meeting someone who is churched or meeting someone who is an unbeliever. Problem is, I'm not open to either choice. So I remain single and keep asking, "Abba, when? When will You fulfill Your promise?" But in these times, it's so easy to lose hope. I find myself questioning if He ever really made me that promise. I find myself believing that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I see babies and I cry because I want one so badly. I find myself wondering if I will ever get to have the family I long for. 

This too shall pass.