A few months ago, I started becoming incredibly homesick for the South. I've reveled in my Southern pride. I've basked in the honor of being a Native Oklahoman. And I've accepted that I'm an outsider in a foreign land. With the tornadoes that hit Oklahoma, my heart was ravaged and heartbroken. I have been trying to identify what exactly it is that I feel. Homesick? Yes... and no. I have no desire to move back. I feel like I'm supposed to be in this town. But I miss Oklahomans incredibly. I miss my friends. Quite frankly, I miss southern men. I miss the accents. I miss the hospitality, the culture. I'm experiencing culture shock.
The other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What I've been searching for, longing for, is community. Did I have that in Oklahoma? No. I was as lonely there as I am here. But at least I had a sense of belonging to the land because I was born there. I graduated there. I'm not sure that meant anything until now, when I no longer live there. I'm an outsider through and through now.
I remember when I was in Oklahoma, I declared it a dry, barren wasteland. It's as if God brought me here to show me what a true dry, barren wasteland is. At least in Oklahoma I could go to a worship/prayer service and find some refreshment. Here... nada. none. nothing. There's nowhere to find respite for my weary soul. I have no crutches left. I can only present my case before God and hope He'll show compassion soon.
I'm longing for community... for someone who understands and can relate. I'm in desperate need of heart-bonding relationships. God has brought me to a place to realize I can't do it on my own. I have absolutely no choice but to rely on Him to bring people into my life. But oh, God it's lonely!
How much longer? How long do I have to walk this road without companionship? I don't know how much more I can take. Each day, my desire for my Beloved increases. I have run out of prayers beyond, "Please, God!" and "How much longer?!" I know what God promised me, but how long until it's fulfilled? I can't possibly imagine how I'll meet him. When I was going to church, I could hope each Sunday that he'd walk through those doors. But now? It's beyond my imagination.
My longing heart wants to know where to look... where do I find other in-betweeners? I just don't know...
~*~Maggie~*~
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Hebrews 10:25 in context
I was invited to attend church with a friend over the weekend. Since I am working to not be so judgmental against church people, I accepted. I think a part of me was hoping God's presence would be there. But alas, it was just another dead service to me. :/
Anyway, that's not the point. I went in to Sunday school and they were talking about encountering trials, etc. One of the scripture passages they used was Hebrews 10. I groaned inwardly when I realized Hebrews 10:25 was there. I just knew they were about to talk about why it's important for people to be in church, etc. But they didn't. As I was reading the passage, a light switch turned on about the meaning of Hebrews. Basically what it was saying is, "When things get tough, don't go into hiding and try to bear it alone. Reach out to other believers and be vulnerable to them. Let them carry part of the load." Wow. Sure paints a different picture than "YOU MUST ATTEND CHURCH, YOU DIRTY HEATHEN!"
I still struggle with feeling judged. I feel like church people think I'm not "good enough" or that they're trying to "save" me. I can't help but be on guard. :/ Yesterday I had an incidence in which I felt this was true. There's a guy I was interested in finding out more about, but my gut told me that my friend wasn't supportive of it. I hadn't voiced my interest until yesterday. I had this distinct feeling that when I finally did get an answer from her, it was just to get me discouraged about him. I feel like she thinks I'm a backslider, a heathen, someone in need of salvation. Maybe she doesn't, but that's how I feel. And I feel like she thinks that because I don't go to church, I wouldn't be a good match for anyone who does. Maybe she's right, but not for those reasons.
Anyway, I doubt many people read this, but I just needed to get it out there. I think next time someone throws Hebrews 10:25 in my face, I'm going to sit down with them and read it in context and point out what the writer was actually saying.
Anyway, that's not the point. I went in to Sunday school and they were talking about encountering trials, etc. One of the scripture passages they used was Hebrews 10. I groaned inwardly when I realized Hebrews 10:25 was there. I just knew they were about to talk about why it's important for people to be in church, etc. But they didn't. As I was reading the passage, a light switch turned on about the meaning of Hebrews. Basically what it was saying is, "When things get tough, don't go into hiding and try to bear it alone. Reach out to other believers and be vulnerable to them. Let them carry part of the load." Wow. Sure paints a different picture than "YOU MUST ATTEND CHURCH, YOU DIRTY HEATHEN!"
I still struggle with feeling judged. I feel like church people think I'm not "good enough" or that they're trying to "save" me. I can't help but be on guard. :/ Yesterday I had an incidence in which I felt this was true. There's a guy I was interested in finding out more about, but my gut told me that my friend wasn't supportive of it. I hadn't voiced my interest until yesterday. I had this distinct feeling that when I finally did get an answer from her, it was just to get me discouraged about him. I feel like she thinks I'm a backslider, a heathen, someone in need of salvation. Maybe she doesn't, but that's how I feel. And I feel like she thinks that because I don't go to church, I wouldn't be a good match for anyone who does. Maybe she's right, but not for those reasons.
Anyway, I doubt many people read this, but I just needed to get it out there. I think next time someone throws Hebrews 10:25 in my face, I'm going to sit down with them and read it in context and point out what the writer was actually saying.
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