R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find Out What It Means to Me

The number one problem I see in male/female relationships is a lack of respect. We don't respect each other. We don't respect our future spouse. We don't respect his/her future spouse. We don't respect God. We are very self-centered and focused on what WE want without regard as to what's best for the other person. This is a big issue to me. I struggle with this myself.

In male/female relationships, it's very easy to have "selfish" love. What's in it for us? How is this making ME happy? What can I benefit from this relationship? Society has trained us to be this way. But what about RESPECT? How DO we respect each other?

First of all, we have GOT to remember that (assuming this is a relationship between believers) the other person is the son/daughter of the King. With that in mind, knowing He sees every interaction, we should be quite careful how we interact. Also, in the beginning stages of a relationship, chances are you are unsure if this is your future spouse or not. There's always a chance he/she is not your future spouse. If not, would your future spouse be happy with your interaction with this person? Your thoughts toward them? Would their future spouse be happy with how you're treating them, what you're thinking about them? Instead of focusing on what YOU want out of the relationship, focus on, "how can I honor this person? How can I treat them with respect? Am I being respectful to my future spouse and his/her spouse? These are questions that need to remain at the forefront of our minds. If our thoughts are not pure toward them, we are not respecting them. If we want to test boundaries, we are not being respectful.

If you want to truly love, it starts with respect, plain and simple. If you can't respect me, then don't bother. :)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!

The Voice of One Calling in the Desert...

For the past 10 years, I have been walking in the proverbial "dry, barren wasteland," or spiritual desert. For the first 9 years, I fought it. It's only within the past year that I've come to accept that this is where I am and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been told that I'm in good company... all those who were "greats" in the Bible went through a desert period as well.

I've not understood my place in the desert. I've felt abandoned here. I've become angry with God for bringing me into this dry, barren wasteland. He has promised me that He was going to cause life and streams to spring up in the desert. He has said many things as to what He has called me to do. He has shown me that I'm meant to open the eyes of the blind and free the captives. Blind to what? Captive to what? Religion. I know that much.

But recently, I have seen the scripture again and again about being the voice of one calling in the desert. It irritated me, to be honest. Why? Because I didn't understand what it had to do with me. I just associated it with John and left it at that. But the wording caught my attention... "IN THE DESERT." God has said much to me about the desert... how that's where the Highway of Holiness is, how few can walk it, etc. So, what exactly is my part in all of this?

For years, I have felt drawn to the prophets of old. The books of the Bible that I'm drawn to are the books of the prophets, especially Isaiah and Jeremiah. But at the same time, I absolutely HATE reading in Jeremiah, especially. I keep reading of disobedience and wrath, doom and gloom. I have always perceived it as God telling me how I've messed up again and turned from Him and disappointed Him. I have not been able to read it through the eyes of seeing Him as a Loving God. I struggle with that still. Every time I read about how Israel blew it again, it upsets me.

I have known for years that I had the gift of discernment. I can read people very well and see things that "normal" people don't see. But I have been afraid to say that I operate in the prophetic. I've never uttered a prophecy. I've had words of knowledge, but I've never operated prophetically--saying what is to come. I have always been afraid of admitting that I thought I had that kind of calling on my life. It seems that it's okay to call yourself an evangelist or a pastor, or even an apostle. But in my upbringing, it has never been okay to label yourself a prophet(ess). Sure, people can walk in that calling, but it's not something you're supposed to admit to. I have always wanted that gifting, but never felt like I was "good enough" to walk in it. Nor did I feel free to express that I suspicioned it just may be one of my giftings.

The other day, my friend and mentor mentioned it to me. She thought I already knew that it was a gifting of mine. I sort of did, but not really. Having her recognize that in me seemed to make a huge difference. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, as if someone removed the veil from the mirror. It was as if it was confirmation that it's really okay to be ME. That I can accept who I am, who I'm called to be, and that it's okay. It seemed to fill me with relief as to why I walk the road I do. It suddenly made everything make sense.

So now my question is, how do I get back to where I'm supposed to be? How do I regain my passion for holiness? How do I regain my passion for revival? How do I regain my passion, period? How do I return to the woman I'm supposed to be? How do I accept this calling? How do I align myself so that I can walk in it? It looks like I've got a long road ahead of me to get where I need to be. *sigh* It's scary, to be honest. I'm trying to work through my walk away from the IC. I'm still trying to find balance. I'm still trying to find the difference between Religion and Relationship. I need to find that girl that I used to be and see if she can teach me a thing or two.

Wish List

There are some books on my wish list... some of which I have read but have lost, most of which I have yet to read.

Pagan Christianity (read the 1st edition but have since lost it. :( Want the new one)
Re-imagining Church
The Misunderstood God
Beautiful Outlaw
Blue Like Jazz
The Prodigal God
The Jesus I Never Knew
The Church In The Wilderness
God Without Religion
Mere Christianity: Finding Your Way Back to Jesus-Shaped Spirituality
Revise Us Again: Living from a Renewed Christian Script
Free Indeed? Are Christians Free Indeed or Enslaved by Religion?
When the Church Leaves the Building
Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith
Revolution

DISCLAIMER

I feel I should write a disclaimer about some of what you will read here. This blog is an outlet for me. It is a way to express my frustration with religion as well as what I have learned along the way. Some of what I say may come across as harsh. My apologies, but this is a place where I can say exactly what I'm thinking where I can't anywhere else. By reading this, you are seeing how my mind works in frustration, in revelation, in joy... This is a safe place for me to express what's on my heart. Unfortunately, what I have to say is not always sunshine and roses. Sometimes it comes across so frankly that you may perceive me to be rude. Keep in mind that what you read is only a PORTION of who I am. Unless you know me, you do not see how I interact with others. You don't see my smile or my tears. You don't know how my heart grieves or rejoices. What you see is simply my views on religion and my frustrations with it. So please don't judge me completely by what you see here.

Want to see a softer side? Check out my other blog for my Beloved. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of the love in my heart for my future husband. Though it is a very limited blog at this time, it is only a sample of what I have written to him. I have been writing letters to my Beloved since 2002. If that isn't love for someone I've never met, I don't know what is. They are the one thing in my life that I have been consistent in doing. They express my deepest longings, my struggles, and my joys. Many are much too personal to post. But what you see is a sample of my heart for him.

Tragedy

This morning I write with a heavy heart. Yesterday afternoon I lost two colleagues in a fatal car crash. These men were both Believers, so I at least have comfort in that. But I can't stop grieving for their families.

Anthony Blum was only 24. He was a son, a brother, a boyfriend, a coach, a teacher, a friend. I did not know him well, but my few encounters with him were enjoyable. I remember the first time I met him. He held the door open for me as we both headed toward the activities building to work a basketball game. He turned around and smiled at me and asked, "Are you following me?" From then on, it was a joke between us as to who was following whom. I wish I could have known him better. I keep thinking about his family and his girlfriend. I can't imagine what they must be going through. If I am grieving for him and didn't know him very well, how deep their grief must be! I was worried about them last night, that they wouldn't sleep. I'm up much earlier than I anticipated and already this morning they're on my heart.

Zane Harvey was 38. He had a wife and children. He was a worship leader at the E-Free church. He was our assistant boys' basketball coach. He taught for 14 years. I did not have an opportunity to meet Mr. Harvey. His wife and children were on my mind last night and are again this morning. I can't imagine the burden his wife now has to carry, trying to explain to the children that daddy's not coming home. It breaks my heart.

May these two men rest in peace. May their families find solace in this tragedy. May our community grow stronger through this atrocity. May peace rest on Broken Bow.

Fairy Tales

I don't really remember getting into fairy tales as a child. I'm sure I must've read them, but I don't really remember much about it. I do remember, however, believing I was a Princess Queen (which my parents, to this day, won't let me live down.) A Princess Queen? Well, here was my 7-year-old logic on that one: obviously, mom was Queen. I had a baby doll named Rebecca, who was obviously my daughter, and a princess. So the only logical title for the one in between the Queen and the Princess was PRINCESS QUEEN. Ha.

Anyway, back to my train of thought. I don't really know when it happened, but within the past few years I have really become attached to fairy tales. This is going to sound crazy, but they feel more real to me than reality. Something about them draws my heart. Something grips my heart and screams, "YES! You're onto something here!" My favorite TV Show is Once Upon a Time, which is brilliantly written, I must say. Something about it captivates me.

I have always known that my mind is "different," in a manner of speaking. I have even been called "eccentric." I have always known that I don't think like other people do. I seem to live in my own little world where strange things are normal. So I figured my obsession with fairy tales must be one of my oddities. I've written a lot from the viewpoint of fairy tales. I feel connected to them in a very abnormal way. I never really knew why... until now.

I am currently reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I connect with this author in a profound way. He gets right to the heart of a matter. In this instance, he truly gets to the HEART of the matter: the centrality and importance of the heart. I picked this book up at a yard sale a few weeks ago, simply because I love this author. Wild At Heart, Captivating, and The Sacred Romance were all amazing books. I picked this book up, not realizing the significance of this particular book in my life. It's been on my shelf for about 3 or 4 weeks. Here lately, I have noticed a hardness of heart. I am weary and apathetic when it comes to my relationship with God and others. I feel like giving up on God most days. I feel abandoned. I feel distant. I feel hopeless.

Last night I happened to notice the title of the book from my bed, up on the top shelf of my closet. Waking the Dead. Hmmmm, I'm feeling pretty dead right now. Maybe this will hold some answers for me. I picked it up and began to read. It's talking about how we are in a war for our hearts and how it's like a spell has been cast and put us in a deep slumber. It resonates deep within my heart. "YES, this is it!" So this is why fairy tales have resonated so deeply within me. There IS truth to them. There IS a world beyond what we see. There ARE dark forces at work to steal our happily ever after. And there IS a Prince who has come to save the day.

Suddenly it's all making so much sense.