This has been a sore spot for me for some time. Many people out there are clinically depressed. But the church will tell these people that they don't have enough faith, that they're not holy enough, that they obviously don't have "enough of Jesus" or they wouldn't be depressed. I know because I am one of those people who has suffered from depression and anxiety for a very long time.
There's a stigma on those of us with "mood disorders," especially within the walls of religion. I remember in high school being prayed over for my paranoia, anxiety, and depression. I had not been diagnosed, but I suffered deeply from it. I still do. In 2005, I was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder, which is a mild form of bipolar disorder. DISCLAIMER: bipolar disorder is NOT schizophrenia, nor is it Multiple Personality Disorder. Bipolar disorder is where you are on an emotional roller coaster... you have extreme highs and extreme lows. Bipolar persons do NOT hear voices or have alter egos. So don't get confused by the Hollywood portrayal of Bipolar persons. There are many famous people, such as Robin Williams, who are bipolar.
Okay, now back to my soapbox. As I said, in 2005, I was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder. I've had people pray and pray and rebuke it off of me. I'm still "bipolar," people! It is a chemical disorder in the brain. I have had people tell me that it's demonic, etc., etc. I don't necessarily agree with that. It's simply a misfiring of neurons.
I have known so many people who have become stigmatized by the church because of depression. Instead of cracking the whip and telling us how plagued we are, why not just love us and support us? Chances are, if we had more support from our friends, we wouldn't suffer from AS much depression as we do. The constant beating from religion just crushes people even more. Stop trying to cast out demons and just love and support and pray for us.
So that's my soapbox for today...
From a former slave to religion,
Maegan V.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Life In The Wilderness-A New Thing
Yesterday I discovered that the ihop website has 24/7 live streaming. Now, I still miss intense worship and being able to feel Abba's presence. I know that for individuals, it is real. Sincere hearts, whether chained by religion or not, do not go unnoticed. But as I was watching this live worship service, I began to feel grief. "God, why did you take that away from me?" I whispered, at least once. There were times I just wasn't into what was going on. Rather I was watching the people, thinking, "why are you doing that? You look stupid!" It was almost like watching a ridiculous comedy. I know, I know. Who am I to judge? But seriously, some of the things people do to look "spiritual" looks downright ridiculous. You can tell who is really sincere about what's going on and who's putting on a show. And it was at that point, I couldn't bear to watch any longer. *sigh*
I felt let down. I remember going to the Burn 24/7 worship sets in Shawnee, OK. That was the only place I could find refuge. I couldn't find what I was looking for in the church, but at the Burn it was totally different. God met me there. So, (last night) with a heavy heart, I shut off my computer, feeling lonelier than I have in a while. I felt like I couldn't express my grief to anyone for the fear of being judged. Church people would tell me how I was missing out and that I needed to "get right" with God. People outside the church would want to know why I was still looking towards the IC. I felt lonely... incredibly lonely. I don't fit anywhere. Who could possibly understand?
I asked God to meet me there, in my bedroom. I opened my Bible to read, hoping He would answer me. I don't remember what I opened up to, but it said something to the effect of, "Forget the former things. Don't dwell on the past. See, I'm doing a new thing? Do you not perceive it?" It went on to talk about how He's making streams in the desert and causing life to burst forth there in the wilderness. Each time I opened my Bible, it was a different place, but it was saying the same thing, generally.
I read about people who had eyes to see, but were blind; who had ears to hear, but were deaf. Abba spoke to me and said, "They are not physically blind and deaf; but spiritually so. You are to lead them out of their bondage and into the Freedom I have for them. They are blind to see the chains on them. They are deaf to the lies being told to them. They don't know they have been taken captives. I will open their eyes and their ears, but I need you to help them find their way out." Abba continued to speak to me about the dry barren wasteland. "Yes, I have led you into the dry barren wasteland. I have led you into the Wilderness. But I have not left you with no provisions. I am causing streams to break forth. I am causing vegetation to bloom. The Wilderness you once knew will at once become a garden in which you can revel. You will walk with me in intimacy in the cool of the day, just as Adam and Eve did. I have not abandoned you to be eaten by wild animals. It is in the Wilderness that there is a highway being built: The Way of Holiness. It is only through the wilderness that you will find it. Your wilderness experience may be different from someone else's. But rest assured, the Wilderness is the place to be. I am doing a new thing. Forget the past. Don't grieve for what you think you have lost. I am not there. I am here with you now."
Sometimes I think it's neat how God answers me. I'm hoping that this dry barren wasteland will burst forth with life very soon. I'm praying for a companion to join me. Some days are lonelier than others. But there's no doubt that this wilderness is a very lonely place, despite the fact that there are thousands of us out here traveling. It's so vast, that we each can travel hundreds of miles in any direction and not bump into one another. I'm hoping we begin to find each other soon.
I felt let down. I remember going to the Burn 24/7 worship sets in Shawnee, OK. That was the only place I could find refuge. I couldn't find what I was looking for in the church, but at the Burn it was totally different. God met me there. So, (last night) with a heavy heart, I shut off my computer, feeling lonelier than I have in a while. I felt like I couldn't express my grief to anyone for the fear of being judged. Church people would tell me how I was missing out and that I needed to "get right" with God. People outside the church would want to know why I was still looking towards the IC. I felt lonely... incredibly lonely. I don't fit anywhere. Who could possibly understand?
I asked God to meet me there, in my bedroom. I opened my Bible to read, hoping He would answer me. I don't remember what I opened up to, but it said something to the effect of, "Forget the former things. Don't dwell on the past. See, I'm doing a new thing? Do you not perceive it?" It went on to talk about how He's making streams in the desert and causing life to burst forth there in the wilderness. Each time I opened my Bible, it was a different place, but it was saying the same thing, generally.
I read about people who had eyes to see, but were blind; who had ears to hear, but were deaf. Abba spoke to me and said, "They are not physically blind and deaf; but spiritually so. You are to lead them out of their bondage and into the Freedom I have for them. They are blind to see the chains on them. They are deaf to the lies being told to them. They don't know they have been taken captives. I will open their eyes and their ears, but I need you to help them find their way out." Abba continued to speak to me about the dry barren wasteland. "Yes, I have led you into the dry barren wasteland. I have led you into the Wilderness. But I have not left you with no provisions. I am causing streams to break forth. I am causing vegetation to bloom. The Wilderness you once knew will at once become a garden in which you can revel. You will walk with me in intimacy in the cool of the day, just as Adam and Eve did. I have not abandoned you to be eaten by wild animals. It is in the Wilderness that there is a highway being built: The Way of Holiness. It is only through the wilderness that you will find it. Your wilderness experience may be different from someone else's. But rest assured, the Wilderness is the place to be. I am doing a new thing. Forget the past. Don't grieve for what you think you have lost. I am not there. I am here with you now."
Sometimes I think it's neat how God answers me. I'm hoping that this dry barren wasteland will burst forth with life very soon. I'm praying for a companion to join me. Some days are lonelier than others. But there's no doubt that this wilderness is a very lonely place, despite the fact that there are thousands of us out here traveling. It's so vast, that we each can travel hundreds of miles in any direction and not bump into one another. I'm hoping we begin to find each other soon.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Insomnia and Baby Fever
It's about 1:15 a.m. (Dec 26th, 2011). I went to bed and slept for about 3 hours, but awoke and could not go back to sleep. I was a bit too hot, couldn't get comfortable, and had too many things on my mind. This blog post will be about nothing in particular... more along the lines of free writing. HA. It's an attempt to clear my mind so maybe I will be able to go back to sleep soon.
So, it's been on my heart for a few years to adopt a child. My desire to be a mother outweighs my desire to be a wife. That's almost hard to believe since I have a strong desire to be a wife. When I was in Oklahoma, I went through the process of trying to adopt through DHS. At the time I was turned down because I didn't have enough income. :/ I was very discouraged. It seems that the desire to adopt is a recurring or incessant one. I find myself researching it again and again, hoping to find sources which can help me. I'm specific about the child I want. I want a baby girl who is deaf. I would accept a hearing child just the same, but I really want to mother a deaf child. I hear all the time of children in other countries who live in orphanages, unwanted simply because they are deaf. It breaks my heart. Everything in me wants to go rescue a sweet baby girl. But, alas, I have run into obstacles in my journey. First of all, being a single woman makes it difficult to adopt from some other countries. I know China will only adopt out to couples. Bummer. China is one of the places that has orphanages replete with deaf children, most of whom are girls. But in addition to being single, I'm not wealthy. I do have a good job that allows me to have more than enough to take care of a child. But my credit is terrible. I have student loans out from all those years in college. My credit is in the basement. So of course, no one would finance my venture to adopt. I can't go through the state of NE because they won't adopt out children under the age of 7. I want to adopt a child as young as possible. I want to be the one to imprint on them, to bond with them, to teach them. I don't know that I am strong enough to handle a child who has 7 years of baggage from being in the system. I know those children need loving parents as much as any other child, but I just can't handle that kind of situation.
Each night I "daydream" in order to make myself fall asleep. As I lay thinking, I was daydreaming about adopting a deaf baby. I was thinking about how to teach my child to sign. I was excited as I thought about how many deaf friends I have who could help me be the best parent I could possibly be to a deaf child. I was also thinking about that program with the flashcards that teaches babies to read. I have a friend whose grandson was doing the program and it really worked. The concept is correct: seeing words, not letters. That's how we teach fingerspelling to new ASL students. We try to train them to see the shape of the words instead of looking at individual letters. I was thinking about how I could take those flashcards and pair it with signs and teach my baby to read English and learn ASL at the same time. AWESOME! I guess I got a little excited about the idea, because it was in my sleep and ultimately what woke me up, I think.
Upon waking, I had to send a message to my friend to find out how her grandson was doing with the flashcards. I wanted to know what the name of the program is as well as what kinds of words were on the flashcards. Leave it to me to plan ahead. I'm the kind of woman who has my wedding planned out... I have my wedding dress, bouquet, shoes, you name it. The only thing I don't have is a groom. So it should come as no surprise that I'm nesting baby things now. I already crocheted a baby blanket, booties, and hat for my future baby girl. I plan on crocheting a set for a baby boy too, just in case. I am thinking that I would like to start making my own set of flash cards for my baby. Why spend money on the program when I'm smart enough to make my own? I was also thinking that I really do need to start nesting. What if, by some miracle, I do get to adopt? Then what? I have nothing for a baby... no baby bed, no baby monitor, no baby toys, no baby clothes. So I'm thinking I'm going to start collecting for my baby. I already have a "Beloved Box," which is full of sentimental items for my future husband. I have been writing him letters for probably 10 years now and collecting anything and everything I see that says "Beloved." So why not have a baby box too? I have some items for when my children are older: a tiny tea set, dolls, etc. But I need baby stuff. So I think I'm going to start getting stuff every month and putting back for my baby. That way, should I become a mommy, I'll be prepared. If nothing else, it will give me hope that some day it will happen.
So, it's been on my heart for a few years to adopt a child. My desire to be a mother outweighs my desire to be a wife. That's almost hard to believe since I have a strong desire to be a wife. When I was in Oklahoma, I went through the process of trying to adopt through DHS. At the time I was turned down because I didn't have enough income. :/ I was very discouraged. It seems that the desire to adopt is a recurring or incessant one. I find myself researching it again and again, hoping to find sources which can help me. I'm specific about the child I want. I want a baby girl who is deaf. I would accept a hearing child just the same, but I really want to mother a deaf child. I hear all the time of children in other countries who live in orphanages, unwanted simply because they are deaf. It breaks my heart. Everything in me wants to go rescue a sweet baby girl. But, alas, I have run into obstacles in my journey. First of all, being a single woman makes it difficult to adopt from some other countries. I know China will only adopt out to couples. Bummer. China is one of the places that has orphanages replete with deaf children, most of whom are girls. But in addition to being single, I'm not wealthy. I do have a good job that allows me to have more than enough to take care of a child. But my credit is terrible. I have student loans out from all those years in college. My credit is in the basement. So of course, no one would finance my venture to adopt. I can't go through the state of NE because they won't adopt out children under the age of 7. I want to adopt a child as young as possible. I want to be the one to imprint on them, to bond with them, to teach them. I don't know that I am strong enough to handle a child who has 7 years of baggage from being in the system. I know those children need loving parents as much as any other child, but I just can't handle that kind of situation.
Each night I "daydream" in order to make myself fall asleep. As I lay thinking, I was daydreaming about adopting a deaf baby. I was thinking about how to teach my child to sign. I was excited as I thought about how many deaf friends I have who could help me be the best parent I could possibly be to a deaf child. I was also thinking about that program with the flashcards that teaches babies to read. I have a friend whose grandson was doing the program and it really worked. The concept is correct: seeing words, not letters. That's how we teach fingerspelling to new ASL students. We try to train them to see the shape of the words instead of looking at individual letters. I was thinking about how I could take those flashcards and pair it with signs and teach my baby to read English and learn ASL at the same time. AWESOME! I guess I got a little excited about the idea, because it was in my sleep and ultimately what woke me up, I think.
Upon waking, I had to send a message to my friend to find out how her grandson was doing with the flashcards. I wanted to know what the name of the program is as well as what kinds of words were on the flashcards. Leave it to me to plan ahead. I'm the kind of woman who has my wedding planned out... I have my wedding dress, bouquet, shoes, you name it. The only thing I don't have is a groom. So it should come as no surprise that I'm nesting baby things now. I already crocheted a baby blanket, booties, and hat for my future baby girl. I plan on crocheting a set for a baby boy too, just in case. I am thinking that I would like to start making my own set of flash cards for my baby. Why spend money on the program when I'm smart enough to make my own? I was also thinking that I really do need to start nesting. What if, by some miracle, I do get to adopt? Then what? I have nothing for a baby... no baby bed, no baby monitor, no baby toys, no baby clothes. So I'm thinking I'm going to start collecting for my baby. I already have a "Beloved Box," which is full of sentimental items for my future husband. I have been writing him letters for probably 10 years now and collecting anything and everything I see that says "Beloved." So why not have a baby box too? I have some items for when my children are older: a tiny tea set, dolls, etc. But I need baby stuff. So I think I'm going to start getting stuff every month and putting back for my baby. That way, should I become a mommy, I'll be prepared. If nothing else, it will give me hope that some day it will happen.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Double Standards
I have a soap box to get on. I am really pissed right now. I hear all these christians rising up and complaining that their rights are being violated because people are choosing not to say, "Merry Christmas" so as to not offend anyone. I don't have a problem with this. I think if they want to say Merry Christmas, that's their right and their choice to do so. They don't care if they're offending anyone by not saying it. That's their prerogative. But what is NOT right is the double standard. It's okay for them to shove their theology and cute little story about 3 wise men looking at a baby in a manger (which btw, is not biblically correct) down everyone's throat. But they do not respect the rights of those of us who do not celebrate christmas to voice our beliefs.
It would be one thing if I was being hateful and telling everyone to take their christmas and shove it, etc. etc. I have not done that. My problem with christmas is that it is a pagan holiday. I have no problem with the festivities of the season. i have no problem with the music, decorations, santa, and all of the fun stuff that goes along with it. I'm not going to be overly religious about it and shun the whole season. I love the season just as much as anyone else. My family and I do gift exchanges and participate in others' celebration of the holiday season. However, it is my right to not celebrate "christmas" like everyone else does. I celebrate my Savior everyday; I do not need to associate my King with a pagan deity who was born on Dec. 25th. Yes, I get aggravated when I hear the same old twisted tale of Yeshua's birth (there were not 3 wise men; and by the time the astrologers and kings (a vast army of them) reached Him, he was approximately 2 years old.) I do get frustrated, but I do not attack others about it. I just choose not to read about it. I accept that it is some peoples' choice to believe the story Religion has told them. That's fine for them, but it's not for me.
It amazes me how Christians expect everyone to respect their rights, but they do not respect anyone else's. Do not attack me or psychoanalyze me because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I celebrate every season. I do not devote just one day a year to my King. I devote every day to Him. I am not a heathen because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I do enjoy the festivities, but I choose not to christianize a pagan holiday. It seems to be okay for Christians to shun Halloween because they claim it's the devil's day or a pagan holiday. Yet God forbid you speak against their beloved Christmas. You don't have to agree with me, but I do expect you to respect my decision to not celebrate it. It is something Abba has revealed to me. I don't expect anyone else to give up Christmas. I know it's a lot to ask. I don't think that it's something that will send you to hell or anything like that. I simply choose not to out of respect. I don't push my beliefs on anyone. You have the right to delete me or to not read what I post.
One more thing: if you open up the subject of the history of Christmas, remember that you started it. Don't get upset when you start the subject and only tell the parts that support what you believe. If you are going to post your study of the holiday's history, don't get bent out of shape when someone else says, "dig a little deeper." Does it threaten you that much to know that your beloved holiday has a pagan history? Just remember: don't try to support your theory with history if you are not willing to accept the full history.
P.S. Christmas is not the only pagan holiday Christians celebrate: Easter and Valentine's day are pagan as well.
It would be one thing if I was being hateful and telling everyone to take their christmas and shove it, etc. etc. I have not done that. My problem with christmas is that it is a pagan holiday. I have no problem with the festivities of the season. i have no problem with the music, decorations, santa, and all of the fun stuff that goes along with it. I'm not going to be overly religious about it and shun the whole season. I love the season just as much as anyone else. My family and I do gift exchanges and participate in others' celebration of the holiday season. However, it is my right to not celebrate "christmas" like everyone else does. I celebrate my Savior everyday; I do not need to associate my King with a pagan deity who was born on Dec. 25th. Yes, I get aggravated when I hear the same old twisted tale of Yeshua's birth (there were not 3 wise men; and by the time the astrologers and kings (a vast army of them) reached Him, he was approximately 2 years old.) I do get frustrated, but I do not attack others about it. I just choose not to read about it. I accept that it is some peoples' choice to believe the story Religion has told them. That's fine for them, but it's not for me.
It amazes me how Christians expect everyone to respect their rights, but they do not respect anyone else's. Do not attack me or psychoanalyze me because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I celebrate every season. I do not devote just one day a year to my King. I devote every day to Him. I am not a heathen because I choose not to celebrate Christmas. I do enjoy the festivities, but I choose not to christianize a pagan holiday. It seems to be okay for Christians to shun Halloween because they claim it's the devil's day or a pagan holiday. Yet God forbid you speak against their beloved Christmas. You don't have to agree with me, but I do expect you to respect my decision to not celebrate it. It is something Abba has revealed to me. I don't expect anyone else to give up Christmas. I know it's a lot to ask. I don't think that it's something that will send you to hell or anything like that. I simply choose not to out of respect. I don't push my beliefs on anyone. You have the right to delete me or to not read what I post.
One more thing: if you open up the subject of the history of Christmas, remember that you started it. Don't get upset when you start the subject and only tell the parts that support what you believe. If you are going to post your study of the holiday's history, don't get bent out of shape when someone else says, "dig a little deeper." Does it threaten you that much to know that your beloved holiday has a pagan history? Just remember: don't try to support your theory with history if you are not willing to accept the full history.
P.S. Christmas is not the only pagan holiday Christians celebrate: Easter and Valentine's day are pagan as well.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Chronic Singleness
No opinions on religion here... just me being real (not that i'm not with the other topic, but you know...) and expressing what's on my heart. This time of year, for me, is the hardest. It's when the longing for my Beloved aches to my core. It screams into the void chasms of my heart. And I can't help but analyze it...
When you've been single for as long as I have (2 years now) you began to start wondering why. I consider myself a pretty confident woman these days. But in these moments, my insecurities surface. I'm told that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, talented, sweet... all the things a man should want in a woman. So I beg the question... why am I still single? It's not only been 2 years since I was in a relationship; it's been 2 years since anyone has asked me out.
When I'm defending my single state, I say that I'm single by choice. Certainly, I've had opportunities to get married. I've been engaged twice and had several others who wanted to marry me. But, with the exception of my last engagement/relationship, I always felt like I was settling. And if I were to be REALLY honest with myself, I would have to say that I can't even exclude my last beau. Oh, he was quite handsome. In fact, he's the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life. I was in awe of the fact that he was interested in ME. It was almost beyond comprehension because guys like that never EVER notice me. But beyond his looks, I was settling with him too. It's the first (AND LAST) time I've ever been in an abusive relationship. He never laid a hand on me, but boy was he controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive. Anyway, the point is, I've always settled for guys that weren't up to my standard. So therefore, I say I'm single by choice.
HOWEVER... at times like this I wonder just how much of a choice I really have when there's no opportunity. It's not that I want the attention of guys that are below my standards... I don't. But I do want the good guys to notice me for once. It seems the only ones I'm attracted to don't reciprocate for one reason or another. And I'm not a "make the first move" kind of girl. I guess some could argue that. Haha. Okay, yes I'm bold enough to initiate conversation and give a man an opportunity to pursue me. But I won't ask a man out or pursue him.
I don't know... it just makes me wonder what guys see when they look at me. Maybe I should've worded that "gentlemen" or something besides guys in general. I know what some guys see and I work to avoid that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I want to be pursued for my heart, not for my body. But as much as that narrows it down, that's still not adequate. After all, there are some really wonderful gentlemen out there that I'm just not attracted to for whatever reason. So there's not even adequate words to say what I'm wanting to express. That small group of men whom I find attractive (and gentlemanly behavior is part of that)... they're the ones I'm curious about. What is it about me that keeps them at bay?
So yeah... just thinking I suppose. I'm sure my single friends can relate to the, "why am I still single?" question. Funny how I can be confident in lots of areas and still be insecure in others. Obviously this is one of those tender spots for me. So yeah... anyway, thanks for reading as I "think out loud." ha.
When you've been single for as long as I have (2 years now) you began to start wondering why. I consider myself a pretty confident woman these days. But in these moments, my insecurities surface. I'm told that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, talented, sweet... all the things a man should want in a woman. So I beg the question... why am I still single? It's not only been 2 years since I was in a relationship; it's been 2 years since anyone has asked me out.
When I'm defending my single state, I say that I'm single by choice. Certainly, I've had opportunities to get married. I've been engaged twice and had several others who wanted to marry me. But, with the exception of my last engagement/relationship, I always felt like I was settling. And if I were to be REALLY honest with myself, I would have to say that I can't even exclude my last beau. Oh, he was quite handsome. In fact, he's the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life. I was in awe of the fact that he was interested in ME. It was almost beyond comprehension because guys like that never EVER notice me. But beyond his looks, I was settling with him too. It's the first (AND LAST) time I've ever been in an abusive relationship. He never laid a hand on me, but boy was he controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive. Anyway, the point is, I've always settled for guys that weren't up to my standard. So therefore, I say I'm single by choice.
HOWEVER... at times like this I wonder just how much of a choice I really have when there's no opportunity. It's not that I want the attention of guys that are below my standards... I don't. But I do want the good guys to notice me for once. It seems the only ones I'm attracted to don't reciprocate for one reason or another. And I'm not a "make the first move" kind of girl. I guess some could argue that. Haha. Okay, yes I'm bold enough to initiate conversation and give a man an opportunity to pursue me. But I won't ask a man out or pursue him.
I don't know... it just makes me wonder what guys see when they look at me. Maybe I should've worded that "gentlemen" or something besides guys in general. I know what some guys see and I work to avoid that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I want to be pursued for my heart, not for my body. But as much as that narrows it down, that's still not adequate. After all, there are some really wonderful gentlemen out there that I'm just not attracted to for whatever reason. So there's not even adequate words to say what I'm wanting to express. That small group of men whom I find attractive (and gentlemanly behavior is part of that)... they're the ones I'm curious about. What is it about me that keeps them at bay?
So yeah... just thinking I suppose. I'm sure my single friends can relate to the, "why am I still single?" question. Funny how I can be confident in lots of areas and still be insecure in others. Obviously this is one of those tender spots for me. So yeah... anyway, thanks for reading as I "think out loud." ha.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Sin and Relationship
I have been thinking a lot about sin since I came across that blog about it the other day. It's really been on my heart to expose the truth about it. There are a million thoughts that run through my mind about this topic. So if this is a long one, please forgive me because I have a lot on my heart.
First of all, we were taught by Religion that our sin separates us from God. Yes, this is scriptural. But let's look at it a little bit more. I feel like Abba is speaking to me about this. He says the reason our sin separates us from Him is not that He turns His back on us. It is that we are too ashamed to go to Him. Look at it this way... you're a parent. Your child does something to REALLY piss you off. Do you cut off relationship with the child? NO! The child may be too ashamed to come to you, but you don't stop loving your child. You don't forbid the child to come before you. It's the child's decision to stay away out of shame, not because you forbade them. You don't require them to stay in their bedroom permanently and stay away from you and the rest of the family. You may be angry, but you don't cut off relationship.
Secondly, I think about how Religion taught us that the reason YHWH turned His back on Yeshua "despising our sin," as I've heard it put. But is that really the case? We've been taught that Abba cannot look on sin. In that case, He wouldn't be able to look at anyone on earth. We all have sinned and fallen short. I think, and it's merely my opinion, that the reason Abba couldn't look on Yeshua is because He couldn't stand to see what Religion did to His Son. He was grieved at the atrocity before Him. Yeshua felt abandoned; but in His heart, He knew that Abba didn't abandon Him.
I was just reading a blog of a fellow blogger whom God spoke to clearly about how He feels about Religion. He asked her, "Don't you get that I don't see your sin? Not through the blood." (Paraphrased) We just don't get that we are covered and we are NOT separated from God except that we stand off, ashamed.
Now, here's a scripture that God showed my mom about 12 years ago. 1 John 5:16 "If anyone sees his brother commit a sin that does not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that he should pray about that." First, let me ask... who is a brother? A brother is simply a fellow believer with whom you have relationship and know that he/she has a relationship with Abba. If you see a brother sin (with the exception of blasphemy, denouncing God), you can pray for him and God will forgive him of that sin. Simple as that. But Religion will tell you otherwise.
I think about how Religion tells us that God won't allow us to come into His presence if we are "walking in sin." But I propose another thought. First of all, look at the prodigal son. He had squandered his father's money, screwed around, and was a total screw up. He had been with the pigs, so you can imagine just how rank he was. He was filthy. He was ashamed and said, "I know I'm not worthy to be called a son, but maybe Dad will allow me to be one of his servants." His shame prevented him from going home for a long time, but when he finally did, what happened? Keep in mind, Papa's pretty wealthy and probably dressed in nice clothes, bathed, etc. when sonny comes home. So Sonny comes home with his rehearsed speech about his unworthiness, and what did Papa do? He embraced him! Yep, stinky sonny who had been laying with the pigs, hadn't bathed in probably months. Papa threw his arms around him and welcomed him home. He did not tell him, "oh, son, I can't talk to you until you're cleaned up. Don't touch me." NO! He embraced him, and then told his servants to clean him up and put him in the finest clothes. Let's look at this another way. You're a parent again. You're all dressed up in a VERY fancy white suit/dress. Your child is out playing in the mud and comes inside. Do you tell the child you won't talk to him or have anything to do with him until he's cleaned up? EMPHATICALLY, NO! You may not allow the child to hug you, but you will make sure the child gets cleaned up and taken care of. You may not be happy that the child is filthy, but you don't cut off relationship or refuse to talk to him. And if it's a child who has run away and cut off contact with you out of shame, you're not going to care about that white suit. You will embrace that child. After all, you can always have the suit cleaned or buy a new one. Relationship with your child is more important than cleanliness. It's the same way with Abba. He still wants to have relationship with us, regardless of how filthy we are. He's not concerned with our filth rubbing off on Him. He's immune to it. He can clean us off. But nothing is more important to Him than relationship with us.
So put out of your mind how much you've screwed up. Stop hiding from Abba just because you're dirty and been hanging with the pigs. Don't let Religion separate you from Abba. He's there waiting for you with arms wide open. Come home.
First of all, we were taught by Religion that our sin separates us from God. Yes, this is scriptural. But let's look at it a little bit more. I feel like Abba is speaking to me about this. He says the reason our sin separates us from Him is not that He turns His back on us. It is that we are too ashamed to go to Him. Look at it this way... you're a parent. Your child does something to REALLY piss you off. Do you cut off relationship with the child? NO! The child may be too ashamed to come to you, but you don't stop loving your child. You don't forbid the child to come before you. It's the child's decision to stay away out of shame, not because you forbade them. You don't require them to stay in their bedroom permanently and stay away from you and the rest of the family. You may be angry, but you don't cut off relationship.
Secondly, I think about how Religion taught us that the reason YHWH turned His back on Yeshua "despising our sin," as I've heard it put. But is that really the case? We've been taught that Abba cannot look on sin. In that case, He wouldn't be able to look at anyone on earth. We all have sinned and fallen short. I think, and it's merely my opinion, that the reason Abba couldn't look on Yeshua is because He couldn't stand to see what Religion did to His Son. He was grieved at the atrocity before Him. Yeshua felt abandoned; but in His heart, He knew that Abba didn't abandon Him.
I was just reading a blog of a fellow blogger whom God spoke to clearly about how He feels about Religion. He asked her, "Don't you get that I don't see your sin? Not through the blood." (Paraphrased) We just don't get that we are covered and we are NOT separated from God except that we stand off, ashamed.
Now, here's a scripture that God showed my mom about 12 years ago. 1 John 5:16 "If anyone sees his brother commit a sin that does not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that he should pray about that." First, let me ask... who is a brother? A brother is simply a fellow believer with whom you have relationship and know that he/she has a relationship with Abba. If you see a brother sin (with the exception of blasphemy, denouncing God), you can pray for him and God will forgive him of that sin. Simple as that. But Religion will tell you otherwise.
I think about how Religion tells us that God won't allow us to come into His presence if we are "walking in sin." But I propose another thought. First of all, look at the prodigal son. He had squandered his father's money, screwed around, and was a total screw up. He had been with the pigs, so you can imagine just how rank he was. He was filthy. He was ashamed and said, "I know I'm not worthy to be called a son, but maybe Dad will allow me to be one of his servants." His shame prevented him from going home for a long time, but when he finally did, what happened? Keep in mind, Papa's pretty wealthy and probably dressed in nice clothes, bathed, etc. when sonny comes home. So Sonny comes home with his rehearsed speech about his unworthiness, and what did Papa do? He embraced him! Yep, stinky sonny who had been laying with the pigs, hadn't bathed in probably months. Papa threw his arms around him and welcomed him home. He did not tell him, "oh, son, I can't talk to you until you're cleaned up. Don't touch me." NO! He embraced him, and then told his servants to clean him up and put him in the finest clothes. Let's look at this another way. You're a parent again. You're all dressed up in a VERY fancy white suit/dress. Your child is out playing in the mud and comes inside. Do you tell the child you won't talk to him or have anything to do with him until he's cleaned up? EMPHATICALLY, NO! You may not allow the child to hug you, but you will make sure the child gets cleaned up and taken care of. You may not be happy that the child is filthy, but you don't cut off relationship or refuse to talk to him. And if it's a child who has run away and cut off contact with you out of shame, you're not going to care about that white suit. You will embrace that child. After all, you can always have the suit cleaned or buy a new one. Relationship with your child is more important than cleanliness. It's the same way with Abba. He still wants to have relationship with us, regardless of how filthy we are. He's not concerned with our filth rubbing off on Him. He's immune to it. He can clean us off. But nothing is more important to Him than relationship with us.
So put out of your mind how much you've screwed up. Stop hiding from Abba just because you're dirty and been hanging with the pigs. Don't let Religion separate you from Abba. He's there waiting for you with arms wide open. Come home.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Holley-Wood Art
For those of you who don't know me, I am also an artist in addition to what you read here. If you're on facebook, go check out my page! https://www.facebook.com/HolleyWoodArt
This page is a compilation of artist pieces my dad and I have done. Most of the pieces are a form of art called pyrography (otherwise known as woodburning). I have only been an artist for the past 8 or 9 years. I discovered the joy and relaxation of woodburning when I was in high school and have been trying to improve my skill ever since. Also on the page are pieces I have airbrushed as well as pieces my dad has airbrushed. There are also carvings and painted items on the page as well. Hope you "like" it! :D
Maegan V.
(AKA Holley)
This page is a compilation of artist pieces my dad and I have done. Most of the pieces are a form of art called pyrography (otherwise known as woodburning). I have only been an artist for the past 8 or 9 years. I discovered the joy and relaxation of woodburning when I was in high school and have been trying to improve my skill ever since. Also on the page are pieces I have airbrushed as well as pieces my dad has airbrushed. There are also carvings and painted items on the page as well. Hope you "like" it! :D
Maegan V.
(AKA Holley)
Sin vs. Missing the Mark
I have been studying Hebrew letters online to teach myself to read and pronounce Hebrew. As I was working on these letters, I came across this:
One of the most commonly mistranslated Hebrew words is chait, which we usually see translated as "sin."
Sin is one of those words we tend to find repellant.Many of us grew up in non-Jewish societies and as a result of that influence we think of sin as some horrible evil, connected with endless guilt, eternal damnation and a host of other associations that are equally unpalatable.
Does chait really mean that?
No.
The meaning of the word is usually defined by the context of how it is used.So for example, In the Book of Judges (20:16), slingers from the tribe of Benjamin are described as being so good with their weapon that they can "aim at a hair and not chait."
Could this mean to "aim at a hair and not sin"? It makes no sense.
Could this mean to "aim at a hair and not sin"? It makes no sense. Obviously the text means to aim at a hair and not "miss," i.e. not to hit off target.
Another example is in the Book of Kings I (1:21). King David is on his death bed and his wife, Bathsheba, comes to him and says, "If Solomon does not become king after you then Solomon and I will be chataim." Solomon and Bathsheba will be sinners? It means that Solomon and Bathsheba will not reach their potential, will not make the grade, will not measure up.
A third example: The Hebrew for one of the many sacrificial offering is chatot, from the same root as the word chait. This offering -- called in English a "sin offering" -- can only be brought for something done unintentionally.In fact, if a person purposely committed a violation, he is forbidden to bring a chatot. It is truly a "mistake offering" rather than a "sin offering."
"Off target," "not reaching the mark," "mistake," and "unintentional" are all indications that the word chait does not mean "sin."
A more accurate translation of the Hebrew chait is "error" or "mistake."
A more accurate translation of the Hebrew chait is "error" or "mistake."
People don't "sin." People make mistakes. After all, we are human. And the Jewish way is to learn from our mistakes. We apologize, clean up any mess, and move on with life.
Of course, there can be real ramifications to our mistakes.
If a glass of milk is dropped, the milk is gone and the glass is shattered. So what do we do?
We deal with the fallout and fix what we can. Our amends may include a sincere apology, removing the shards, getting the carpet cleaned and buying a new bottle of milk. But we do not become steeped in guilt over our "sin."
Note that there are other words in Hebrew which are also mistranslated as "sin," but which convey a more serious misdeed than an error.To cite two examples: avon, refers to willful, knowing transgression of God's law where one's desires get the upper hand; pesha, refers to a willful transgression done specifically to spite God.
However, the most common word translated as "sin" is chait. The "sin" of Adam and Eve was chait, a mistake.
So many of the concepts we may have in our minds may really not be Jewish at all. Taking a fresh look can give us great insights and clarity -- and tips to make our lives more meaningful. ~(http://www.aish.com/jl/48964596.html)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Micah 4:6-8 says, "'In that day,' declares the LORD, 'I will gather the lame; I will assemble the exiles and those I have brought to grief. I will make the lame a remnant, those driven away a strong nation. The LORD will rule over them in Mount Zion from that day and forever. As for you, O watchtower of the flock, O stronghold of the Daughter of Zion, the former dominion will be restored to you; kingship will come to the Daughter of Jerusalem.'"
Who are the lame? Who are the exiles? Who are those whom God has brought to grief? This leaped out at me as I was reading last night and I felt like Abba was showing me that those of us who have left the institution of religion fit this profile. We are the lame... why? We've been beat up by religion. We walk with a limp if we walk at all. Some of us have been nearly murdered (spiritually speaking) by religion. Exiles? Yep, I've been exiled into what I call the dry barren wasteland, or the wilderness. I hear many others talk about being in the wilderness. "Those I have brought to grief..." I don't know about you, but this wilderness experience has been full of grief for me. I have lost so much (yet gained so much more). But it has not been a pleasant experience as I walk through the dry barren wasteland.
I really feel like this was Abba's way of encouraging me that I'm where He wants me to be, and that He is gathering us and making us a strong group. He is bringing us out of the woodwork to find one another and band together. We are learning what it means when it says, "Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom," and "It is for freedom You've set us free." There are supposedly thousands of us out there who have rejected religion and cried out that we want more of Abba. We want freedom in our relationship! And here in Micah, he has a little tidbit just for us. How awesome is that? He speaks to those of us who feel lame, exiled, and grieved. And here, He speaks hope to us. :)
Who are the lame? Who are the exiles? Who are those whom God has brought to grief? This leaped out at me as I was reading last night and I felt like Abba was showing me that those of us who have left the institution of religion fit this profile. We are the lame... why? We've been beat up by religion. We walk with a limp if we walk at all. Some of us have been nearly murdered (spiritually speaking) by religion. Exiles? Yep, I've been exiled into what I call the dry barren wasteland, or the wilderness. I hear many others talk about being in the wilderness. "Those I have brought to grief..." I don't know about you, but this wilderness experience has been full of grief for me. I have lost so much (yet gained so much more). But it has not been a pleasant experience as I walk through the dry barren wasteland.
I really feel like this was Abba's way of encouraging me that I'm where He wants me to be, and that He is gathering us and making us a strong group. He is bringing us out of the woodwork to find one another and band together. We are learning what it means when it says, "Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom," and "It is for freedom You've set us free." There are supposedly thousands of us out there who have rejected religion and cried out that we want more of Abba. We want freedom in our relationship! And here in Micah, he has a little tidbit just for us. How awesome is that? He speaks to those of us who feel lame, exiled, and grieved. And here, He speaks hope to us. :)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Loneliness and Desperation in the Wilderness
This time of year particularly gets to me. For several years I've wrestled over whether or not I celebrate Christmas. Today, the answer is: sorta. I have prayed about what God wants me to do and feel like God is okay with me celebrating the season. It's the season I love... the music, the food, the festivities, the decorations. But I despise the false Christianization of it. I choose not to celebrate it as the church celebrates it. I refuse to belittle my Savior by equating him with a pagan god. I choose not to celebrate the birth of Tammuz or Nimrod on December 25th. Instead, I celebrate the season. My parents and I buy gifts for one another at the beginning of the month and celebrate around the middle of the month. We have a "holiday" meal, but usually for New Year's Eve or some time other than Dec. 25th. But I also refuse to be religious in any way, shape or form about the matter. I will not entirely stand against the celebration of Christmas and be bound by religion in that manner, either. I enjoy my freedom to enjoy the season without putting religious bondage on myself.
I find that this time of year pulls on my heartstrings more. I start an intense search for like-minded believers and fellowship more this time of year than any other. I can't explain why other than loneliness. I guess when it comes right down to it, that's the core of my search. I'm lonely... not just for human affection... but I am lonely for spiritual affection. I look back on the days when I was in the IC and I remember the times of worship. Granted, for some it may not have been real. But for me, it was. I know that God honored my heart in that. He allowed me to feel His sweet Presence in spite of my religious bondage. I had a very close relationship with Him while I was under the IC. He held me close when i cried out to Him. I know that God uses people within the IC in spite of themselves. Many times He spoke to me prophetically. So even though I'm happy to be free of the IC, I do have some fond memories of how God moved in spite of Religion simply because I did not know any better. But I know better now, and He no longer appeases me when I search for Him in the IC. I realized when I was 17 or 18 that God had left the church. I desperately searched for Him within the church, but could not find Him. I was heart-broken. But that's what began my journey.
I'm in a place now where I am happy to be on this journey and to have freedom from Religion. But it's not easy. I'm at least finding others like myself, so that's good. I know that it was no accident that I stumbled across the ABCD ( www.bornagainchurchdropouts.org) and began to find out that I'm not alone. I at least have a connection to other believers who won't chastise me for my beliefs. But they also have balance and don't lean to the worldly side of things out of spite towards the IC. I am grateful for knowing that so many have walked such a similar path as I. That alone is a huge relief, to know that God brought me out of Egypt into the wilderness and is leading me into the Promised Land; that He didn't abandon me in the wilderness.
But still... there's a desperation that motivates me and frustrates me. I'm desperate for true companionship. I need intimacy in my life. This time of year reminds me that I don't have that. I don't have the intimacy with Yahweh that I desire. I don't have anyone in my life whom I can cuddle up to and pour my heart out to, share my life with. It's at times like this, when the hunger for intimacy drives me insane, that I become desperate to find whatever it is I'm looking for. Thank goodness Abba is protecting me, because through desperation I begin to lower my standards. I begin to compromise and convince myself I could accept someone with not-so-desirable traits. But in my heart of hearts, I know what Abba promised me. I get so frustrated being so limited. I don't know how it could possibly play out and so I try to make it happen myself. I don't see the possibility of anyone in my area believing like I do and being what I need. So I try to compromise and accept what I know I shouldn't.
It seems that this is such a lonely road, though I hear there are thousands just like me. Where are they?! How do I find them? When it comes to meeting someone for romantic interests, the choices are very limited. It feels as though my only 2 choices are meeting someone who is churched or meeting someone who is an unbeliever. Problem is, I'm not open to either choice. So I remain single and keep asking, "Abba, when? When will You fulfill Your promise?" But in these times, it's so easy to lose hope. I find myself questioning if He ever really made me that promise. I find myself believing that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I see babies and I cry because I want one so badly. I find myself wondering if I will ever get to have the family I long for.
This too shall pass.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
On Hold For a While
Hello, Everyone! Well, my journey to my new home is about to begin! As of Tuesday, I will not have access to the internet for a month. I am leaving Oklahoma and heading to my new home, where I will be staying with my brother for a month. Please feel free to leave comments and read blogs you have missed. I just won't be posting anything else until September. See you all then! :D
~Maegan~
Former Slave to Religion
~Maegan~
Former Slave to Religion
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Speak the Truth in LOVE
John 13:34-35 "34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." Notice the last verse. How do you know a True Believer? By his love. Something to think about. Ironic how there are so many "Christians" who are anything BUT Love.
Newsflash people! I am more apt to listen to someone whom I know loves me than I am all the "holier-than-thou" pompous arrogant.... anyway, I'm more apt to listen to people who love me than those who do not show love. Those people who do not show love just make me rebellious. I don't feel they have my best interest at heart when they try to "minister" to me. I feel they're trying to control me. So take heed that you speak the Truth IN LOVE. Because there are many of us who won't respond to anything else.
Religion causes us to squabble over things that aren't important in the long run. We get irritated because this one does this and that one does that. Why don't we focus on the heart of the matter, why are we getting irritated? Obviously it's something within US, not them, that needs further inspection. If we investigated that aspect first, and kept our mouths shut, there'd be room for growth in all of us. Just sayin'.
Religion causes us to squabble over things that aren't important in the long run. We get irritated because this one does this and that one does that. Why don't we focus on the heart of the matter, why are we getting irritated? Obviously it's something within US, not them, that needs further inspection. If we investigated that aspect first, and kept our mouths shut, there'd be room for growth in all of us. Just sayin'.
Then, if there really is a problem within them, let the Holy Spirit deal with it. I do believe He's big enough to convict them without us condemning them. Ask yourself this next time you want to judge someone: Am I really looking out for their best interest? Or am I trying to control them into doing what I want them to do? If you answer honestly and don't deceive yourself, you'll find that 9 times out of 10 the answer is control. I don't know about you, but the God I serve is big enough to provoke change in people without me getting in the way. And SHOULD He use me, I should be careful to speak the truth in Love and not hinder His working in them.
We're just mean-spirited by nature. And we don't even TRY to Love. We go by our emotions. I'm one of the guiltiest about going by my emotions. There are people out there that just seeing them rubs me the wrong way and I find it difficult to be nice to them. I still struggle with judging people and my own tendency to look past the plank in my own eye to get the speck out of theirs. I'm trying really hard to make a conscious effort to LOVE people instead of judging them. It's easier said than done; but it's something we should seriously work on. I think that's the BIGGEST commandment is to Love. It doesn't mean we have to agree with what that person says or does. It simply means we should respect them as human beings and let God have control of the situation, yielding ourselves as vessels to be used by Him to love them.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Singleness
You know... I was just thinking about singleness and how I've heard religious ppl say, "well, now, have you ever thought that maybe God called you to a life of singleness? If you're meant to have someone, he'll come along. If not, just be happy with God." Really? More religious BS! Why would God place a desire in my heart that He doesn't intend to fulfill? what happened to "ask it and it will be done" "He will give you the desire of your heart" and all those other scriptures. Don't give me this, "well if it's His will." Life reveals it's His will! He wouldn't have put male and female together if it wasn't His will. And If it wasn't His will for me, He wouldn't have put this desire in the depths of my heart. He wouldn't have given me a promise. He wouldn't have given me dreams of my future with a hubby and children. So for all you singles out there that are tired of the cliche' religious BS answers, take heart. God isn't so cruel to give you a deep burning desire for a mate if He didn't intend on giving you one. Just hang in there. God takes great joy in doing the "impossible". :)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Wanted for Murder
There's a homicidal maniac on the loose. He's a master of disguise, posing as someone you can trust... pastor, evangelist, person sitting next to you in church, leader, teacher, prophet, worship leader... the list of his disguises goes on. He's very conniving, this one. He will convince you that he is your friend, then turn around and stab you in the back. He will demand everything from you, your time, your money, everything. He will even present himself as God and condemn you when you don't do what he wants. But when you're hurting, he won't be there for you. He is a spiritual rapist and murderer and should be brought to justice. His name? RELIGION.
Many reading this have been victims of this murderer. Victims who have survived are left in a spiritual coma with little hope of recovering. They have been spiritually raped. They have had the thing most precious to them ripped from them. They have been lied to, deceived, and destroyed beyond what's conceivable. What's worse is that when a victim is conscious, they are so badly beaten and injured, that they do not recognize their attacker. When brought to view a lineup of their attacker, 9 times out of 10 they will pick God or Christians as their attacker.
Beware of this murderer. He comes as an angel of light but leaves terrible destruction in his path. He is a serial rapist and murderer. His violent acts supersede those of all serial killers in the past put together. Jack the Ripper ain't got nothing on Religion. Want proof? Let's take a look at the rap sheet of Religion.
The following murders (and attempted murders) were committed by Religion. When brought to trial, he escaped conviction and others were wrongfully accused; some of these crimes go unsolved... but the murderer is still on the loose. Some have tried to bring him to justice, but he was acquitted on all charges. I believe it's time to bring him before the right Judge and have him found guilty once and for all.
When Y'Shua was crucified, Religion was the one pushing for it to be done. Many martyrs were killed by Religion. Religion is responsible for thousands, maybe even millions of Believers being in critical care (spiritually speaking). Many of those Believers are spiritually comatose. Some of the Believers who have survived the attacks cannot accurately identify their attacker, as he posed as God Himself while he was attacking. Religion has caused God to be blamed for the atrocities which have befallen Believers. Others who have survived the attacks have come to know the true identity of their attacker. I am one such victim. I am seeking justice for other victims. I'm seeking to clear the names/Name of those wrongfully accused and make sure Religion is found guilty.
Many reading this have been victims of this murderer. Victims who have survived are left in a spiritual coma with little hope of recovering. They have been spiritually raped. They have had the thing most precious to them ripped from them. They have been lied to, deceived, and destroyed beyond what's conceivable. What's worse is that when a victim is conscious, they are so badly beaten and injured, that they do not recognize their attacker. When brought to view a lineup of their attacker, 9 times out of 10 they will pick God or Christians as their attacker.
Beware of this murderer. He comes as an angel of light but leaves terrible destruction in his path. He is a serial rapist and murderer. His violent acts supersede those of all serial killers in the past put together. Jack the Ripper ain't got nothing on Religion. Want proof? Let's take a look at the rap sheet of Religion.
The following murders (and attempted murders) were committed by Religion. When brought to trial, he escaped conviction and others were wrongfully accused; some of these crimes go unsolved... but the murderer is still on the loose. Some have tried to bring him to justice, but he was acquitted on all charges. I believe it's time to bring him before the right Judge and have him found guilty once and for all.
When Y'Shua was crucified, Religion was the one pushing for it to be done. Many martyrs were killed by Religion. Religion is responsible for thousands, maybe even millions of Believers being in critical care (spiritually speaking). Many of those Believers are spiritually comatose. Some of the Believers who have survived the attacks cannot accurately identify their attacker, as he posed as God Himself while he was attacking. Religion has caused God to be blamed for the atrocities which have befallen Believers. Others who have survived the attacks have come to know the true identity of their attacker. I am one such victim. I am seeking justice for other victims. I'm seeking to clear the names/Name of those wrongfully accused and make sure Religion is found guilty.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Recent Uploads
I just copied a bunch of my old writings over from facebook. Some are poems I've written, some are regarding my wilderness experience, and some are simply me bearing my heart. Please understand as you read these writings that the phase of the wilderness I was in may differ greatly from where I am now. Some may contain stronger language. I haven't completely read every single one of them; I know that some of my poems do contain cussing. My apologies if that offends you. But I hope that in sharing my writings, someone out there may be able to relate and find some comfort in that. Thanks for keeping up with my posts!
~Maegan~
~Maegan~
Where Do I Fit In? (July 15, 2009)
I have been a Christian all of my life. Before I was conceived, God told my mom that he was giving me to her to raise, but that I was HIS. When I was born I died 3 times. There was always something "different" about me. When I was 3 years old I was laying hands on the sick and injured and seeing healing and miracles. I laid hands on my injured rabbit and watched as his leg miraculously recover. I laid hands on my mom's forehead after we were in an accident when I was four and watched a knot disappear. At four years of age I saw Jesus Himself when we were in a wreck just outside of Prague, OK. I started doing spiritual warfare over my broken tape player, telling the devil that I was "rolling him up like a basketball and tossing him out" and then sat down in the floor to listen to my Pat Boone tapes on my once-broken cassette player. Nothing was impossible to me. When I was 6 years old I was saved, baptized, and filled with the Holy Spirit with evidence of speaking in tongues. I approached my teacher, who was not a tongue-speaking believer, and asked her if she was filled with the holy spirit. As I recall, I laid hands on her and she began speaking in tongues. She had to do it "in the closet" though because it was not an accepted practice. When other kids were playing obliviously on the playground, I was laying hands on other kids and leading them to salvation. I have seen angels and demons. When I was 9 years old an angel came to me at school and gave me the scripture Acts 26:16,17, and 18. I knew that I was called to preach and I began fervently praying every night, "God when?" Two years later I was at a minister's conference in Gilchrist, TX and telling my 'testimony' about being called to preach, seeing Jesus and the angels, etc. The man that was leading the conference asked me to share this with the whole group of ministers, as he too was called to preach at an early age. After I spoke to the group, an apostle and prophet stood up and said simultaneously that God told them to ordain me. I preached in that church occasionally until we returned to OK. When I was in 8th grade my history class was doing a project on the Bill of Rights and my group was assigned the Right to Free Speech and religion. I took control of the group, as no one else really wanted to do the project, and I set up a mini-"drama" in which I preached and then was taken away in handcuffs. What is amazing is that word got around the school that I was preaching at school. In that tiny auditorium in High Island, TX, there was standing room only as I proclaimed the gospel. Later I was approached by many who wanted to know more about this God I served. Upon returning to Oklahoma in 2000, I became passionate about Revival. At school I was nicknamed "Thumper" short for Bible-Thumper. Another nickname that has followed me through the years has been "Holy Holley". I remember at 16 years old staying awake all hours of the night crying out for Revival.
But there's another side to this story. What I haven't told you is how I have been rejected... yes by the world, but sadly, by the church as well. I have been deemed "peculiar" by the church. I remember crying more than smiling because I couldn't understand why I never fit in with the other kids. I reached out to the adults, who seemed to embrace me a tad bit better. But as I became a teenager, the adults too began to come against me. I never fit in anywhere. After being ostracized from a church when I was 18, I began to feel unwanted and out of sorts. But still, I pressed on naively searching for fellowship. Surely someone would want me. But I searched to no avail. After being rejected by "God's People" for so long, I began to search out the world to see if they would accept me. When I was 21 I began hanging out in a bar on Wednesday nights. I wasn't doing anything "bad" just looking for friendship. I was accepted there, much to my surprise. But I still knew in my heart that's not where I belonged. After being shunned by the Non-Denoms for so many years I began to search out other avenues. I came across the Messianics and began to learn about the Hebrew culture. The religion was not for me, but I met my best friend and I learned about Hebrew Culture and fell in love with it. The problem is, my best friend is a long-distance friend... we've only seen each other face to face twice, and that was after 3 years of knowing each other. When i didn't fit in with the Messianics, i sought out the Church of God 7th Day. Nope, didn't fit there either. So I decided to give the Non-Denoms one more chance. I began attending a church, but once again seemed invisible. There were very few close to my age, and those that were did not make any attempts to reach out to me. I had to seek them out and still was not accepted when I did. I was "different" and didn't fit into their world. I began working with the youth and enjoyed their company. But I was empty and couldn't pour into their lives any longer. My heart and soul were barren... no healing in sight, no food for my starving heart. I was not getting what I needed to be nourished, so I left the church. I was deeply grieved when i left the church so I sought out someone that I thought could help me. For a short time that sufficed. One individual was shown my calling and reached out to take me under his wing. But soon I was forgotten, and then abandoned when I did not remain at the church he prescribed for me. I didn't feel like that was where God wanted me to be. So I was deemed disobedient and even told that I wasn't worth this individual's time, or anyone else's for that matter. I sank back into bitterness toward the church. How could "God's People" be so indifferent to someone? I didn't understand why no one wanted me.
I took all the beating I could stand and needed a break. I took off to Arkansas to visit my friend with one purpose... to get away from the "good little christian girl" reputation, if only for a week. I had a great time but still God oozed from me and was recognized in me. I couldn't get away from who He called me to be, but I sure tried. I dated a guy, who by the way was not a Believer, for several weeks. He told me that he could see good in me, that he saw an inner beauty that most women don't possess. Finally, someone sees me! But of course, that was not meant to be and I cut my ties with him shortly after Valentine's Day. I have had many non-believers say to me that they see good in me, that i have a beautiful heart, that I have a heart of gold... i have many unbelieving males drawn to me, telling me these things and desperately trying to get my attention. I'm careful not to give them the attention they desire, but it's hard when someone finally sees something "good" in me.
So what does that have to do with today? I'll tell you. I have had a hunger, a gnawing desire for fellowship for a long time now. I started reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge and felt God tugging at my heart about Fellowship... about community. So I reached out to the only people I feel drawn to... the ones I admire and want to become more like them. You know what happened? Nothing. How am I supposed to be obedient to a command to fellowship when no one wants anything to do with me? I long for fellowship... I crave companionship with like-minded believers. But when I reach out, I am told, either by words or by lack of them, that I am not deemed worthy. I am not important enough to respond to. How am I supposed to not get angry at a God who commands me to fellowship then does not provide that fellowship? When I try to reach out for someone to train me, to love me, to be a friend... i see nothing but their backs. Agendas... I hate agendas. Everyone is so busy with their ministries that they don't have time for ministry. Make sense? No, probably not. But it does to me. "No, I don't have time for you right now I have to pray for the lost souls in Africa" but... but... what about those hurting next to you? What about those who are walking on that fine line between life and death? You don't REALLY know me. You don't know that I've contemplated suicide many times but the only thing that stopped me was the fear that I'd go to hell. Why did I contemplate suicide? You guessed it... I felt unwanted. Am I suicidal now? No. I'm angry. But how could you possibly know that when you don't make time to find out what's in my heart?
This morning I woke up with a burning anger. I'm doing my best not to turn that anger on God. I keep thinking, "God, are you showing them something about me that is bad so that they don't want to be around me?" I have wanted to ask these individuals so many times what it is they see about me that repulses them so. But even as brazen as I am, I can't seem to do it. If you've ever read captivating, you know that every woman's question is, "Am I lovely? Am I captivating? Am I worth it?" and when I ask these questions I hear a resounding "NO" from those who call themselves Christ-like. Oh sure, they say "I love you" but talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words, and so does silence. How can you love someone that you don't know? How can you say you love me but not want to spend any time around me? Then you tell me that, well, God loves you. Really? How am I supposed to believe it... "If we are the Body, then why aren't His hands reaching..."
I came to a stark realization yesterday that I am what you would call a "lukewarm" christian. It made me sick. When I read Paul's words, if I have faith to move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. Ouch. I am nothing. There it is again... I'm nothing. Funny, I've tried to love but my love is scorned. So I put up a guard so that I can't be hurt again and I become one of the coldest human beings on the planet. The famous "love chapter" says that love is not rude... ouch. It says that love is not irritable or self-serving. Ouch. I am the opposite of love. I want to love... God do I want to love! Desperately! In some ways it pushes me to want to be better. But then there's this voice that says, "what's the point?" Yes, yes, I know... all you church people are telling me not to listen to the voice of the Enemy, etc etc. I know this. Remember, I was raised in church. I know the Christian lingo. I know all the "right" answers. But what about REAL answers???? Let's talk about why no one wants anything to do with christianity. Maybe it's because there's a lack of love in the church? Outsiders look in and they see an army that has turned on itself and is slayiing its own... a bunch of chickens pecking each other to death. Would YOU want to be a part of a "family" like that? No, me either. I think we take each other for granted. "Oh, she's strong enough. She'll survive." How do you know that? No, I won't survive. I'm malnourished. I'm starved for affection. I'm hungry for fellowship. I'm lost in this dry barren wasteland and all I want is a sip of water. What sucks is that I see people walking by me with full cantines and they scoff at me. "she's strong enough, she has God's favor on her, she'll survive." Not if you keep trying to kill me, I won't! Unless you are the two people that I've REALLY shared my heart with, you don't know me. You don't know how close I've come to throwing in the towel and saying, "Forget it."
Why am I writing this? Am I trying to put someone on a guilt trip? No. Honestly i'd be surprised if anyone reads this. I'm writing for one think to vent because i'm angry and i'm hurt and what I really want to do right now is run away from everything. But I'm also writing because, if by chance someone does read this, you need to know that you DON'T KNOW what that other person is going through. When you walk by them and ignore them... when you don't answer their cries for help... you just may be condemning their souls to hell. Listen... listen to the cries for help. It could be life or death. Do you want their blood on your hands? No, me either.
God soften my heart so that I too will stop ignoring the cries for help. Cause me to love you and love others as much as myself. Open my eyes to the needs around me. Cause me to be a reflection of love. Help me to never be too busy to reach out to someone who's hurting. Help me to always remember that someone's eternity could be resting in my hands. Oh God, wash away the blood that stains my hands already. Forgive me for my calloused, hard heart. Remove this heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Remove from me any unclean thing. Take the coal, cleanse my lips, here I am. I am yours, Oh God, to do with whatever You please. Help me to remember that this life is not about me, that i am merely an extra in this movie that is all about You. Help me to remember that everything I do is for Your glory. Let me feel Your arms around me. Jesus, heal my shattered heart. It feels like it's beyond repair and hopeless, but I know that nothing is impossible for You. And Lord, please send me some companions... men and women after Your Own Heart that can be Your Hands and Feet to minister healing back into my malnourished heart. God I need You and as much as I hate to admit it, I need Your people too. Please God, I'm crying out for help. Please send someone to put salve on these wounds. God I need Your strength. I need Your healing. I need Your Love. God I don't feel Your Love. I feel unwanted and abandoned by You because Your people have abandoned me and proven I'm unwanted. Lord we are supposed to be Your reflection... help me not to treat others the way I've been treated. Help me to love with Your everlasting love. Open the eyes of your bride so that she will reach out to the hurting within her own body. Lord forgive us for turning so many away. Forgive us for killing our own. We are spiritual felons, all of us, guilty of the murder of souls. God help us to stop fighting each other, to stop ignoring one another. Teach us to love and to be loved. Yes God, teach us how to be loved when the concept is so foreign to us. God heal our hearts. We are broken and messed up. Help us. Give us Your Heart. Cause us to truly repent, to turn back from our ways and to truly seek Your heart. God teach me to love and help me not to be bitter. Remove the root of bitterness that has taken hold of my heart. Forgive me for questioning Your Love for me based on man's lack of love. Forgive me for condemning the very thing that I am guilty of. God pierce our hearts... break our hearts with the things that break Yours. Thank you for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for Your Love though I can't yet feel it. Thank you for the ones You are bringing to me to minister healing to their broken hearts. God use me as Your hands to minister healing and awaken my eyes to see when I've become a dagger bent on murder. Lord I repent of my lack of love. I repent of my anger, no matter how justified I am in being angry. Let Your peace reign in my heart. Remind me that your Grace has covered me and help me not to be overwhelmed by condemnation. God set me free. My heart has been taken captive and I need You to come rescue me. There is no other. There is no one like You. No one but You is worthy of my adoration. I give You all I am, though I'm broken and tattered and torn. Turn my ashes into beauty for the glory of Your Name.
But there's another side to this story. What I haven't told you is how I have been rejected... yes by the world, but sadly, by the church as well. I have been deemed "peculiar" by the church. I remember crying more than smiling because I couldn't understand why I never fit in with the other kids. I reached out to the adults, who seemed to embrace me a tad bit better. But as I became a teenager, the adults too began to come against me. I never fit in anywhere. After being ostracized from a church when I was 18, I began to feel unwanted and out of sorts. But still, I pressed on naively searching for fellowship. Surely someone would want me. But I searched to no avail. After being rejected by "God's People" for so long, I began to search out the world to see if they would accept me. When I was 21 I began hanging out in a bar on Wednesday nights. I wasn't doing anything "bad" just looking for friendship. I was accepted there, much to my surprise. But I still knew in my heart that's not where I belonged. After being shunned by the Non-Denoms for so many years I began to search out other avenues. I came across the Messianics and began to learn about the Hebrew culture. The religion was not for me, but I met my best friend and I learned about Hebrew Culture and fell in love with it. The problem is, my best friend is a long-distance friend... we've only seen each other face to face twice, and that was after 3 years of knowing each other. When i didn't fit in with the Messianics, i sought out the Church of God 7th Day. Nope, didn't fit there either. So I decided to give the Non-Denoms one more chance. I began attending a church, but once again seemed invisible. There were very few close to my age, and those that were did not make any attempts to reach out to me. I had to seek them out and still was not accepted when I did. I was "different" and didn't fit into their world. I began working with the youth and enjoyed their company. But I was empty and couldn't pour into their lives any longer. My heart and soul were barren... no healing in sight, no food for my starving heart. I was not getting what I needed to be nourished, so I left the church. I was deeply grieved when i left the church so I sought out someone that I thought could help me. For a short time that sufficed. One individual was shown my calling and reached out to take me under his wing. But soon I was forgotten, and then abandoned when I did not remain at the church he prescribed for me. I didn't feel like that was where God wanted me to be. So I was deemed disobedient and even told that I wasn't worth this individual's time, or anyone else's for that matter. I sank back into bitterness toward the church. How could "God's People" be so indifferent to someone? I didn't understand why no one wanted me.
I took all the beating I could stand and needed a break. I took off to Arkansas to visit my friend with one purpose... to get away from the "good little christian girl" reputation, if only for a week. I had a great time but still God oozed from me and was recognized in me. I couldn't get away from who He called me to be, but I sure tried. I dated a guy, who by the way was not a Believer, for several weeks. He told me that he could see good in me, that he saw an inner beauty that most women don't possess. Finally, someone sees me! But of course, that was not meant to be and I cut my ties with him shortly after Valentine's Day. I have had many non-believers say to me that they see good in me, that i have a beautiful heart, that I have a heart of gold... i have many unbelieving males drawn to me, telling me these things and desperately trying to get my attention. I'm careful not to give them the attention they desire, but it's hard when someone finally sees something "good" in me.
So what does that have to do with today? I'll tell you. I have had a hunger, a gnawing desire for fellowship for a long time now. I started reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge and felt God tugging at my heart about Fellowship... about community. So I reached out to the only people I feel drawn to... the ones I admire and want to become more like them. You know what happened? Nothing. How am I supposed to be obedient to a command to fellowship when no one wants anything to do with me? I long for fellowship... I crave companionship with like-minded believers. But when I reach out, I am told, either by words or by lack of them, that I am not deemed worthy. I am not important enough to respond to. How am I supposed to not get angry at a God who commands me to fellowship then does not provide that fellowship? When I try to reach out for someone to train me, to love me, to be a friend... i see nothing but their backs. Agendas... I hate agendas. Everyone is so busy with their ministries that they don't have time for ministry. Make sense? No, probably not. But it does to me. "No, I don't have time for you right now I have to pray for the lost souls in Africa" but... but... what about those hurting next to you? What about those who are walking on that fine line between life and death? You don't REALLY know me. You don't know that I've contemplated suicide many times but the only thing that stopped me was the fear that I'd go to hell. Why did I contemplate suicide? You guessed it... I felt unwanted. Am I suicidal now? No. I'm angry. But how could you possibly know that when you don't make time to find out what's in my heart?
This morning I woke up with a burning anger. I'm doing my best not to turn that anger on God. I keep thinking, "God, are you showing them something about me that is bad so that they don't want to be around me?" I have wanted to ask these individuals so many times what it is they see about me that repulses them so. But even as brazen as I am, I can't seem to do it. If you've ever read captivating, you know that every woman's question is, "Am I lovely? Am I captivating? Am I worth it?" and when I ask these questions I hear a resounding "NO" from those who call themselves Christ-like. Oh sure, they say "I love you" but talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words, and so does silence. How can you love someone that you don't know? How can you say you love me but not want to spend any time around me? Then you tell me that, well, God loves you. Really? How am I supposed to believe it... "If we are the Body, then why aren't His hands reaching..."
I came to a stark realization yesterday that I am what you would call a "lukewarm" christian. It made me sick. When I read Paul's words, if I have faith to move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. Ouch. I am nothing. There it is again... I'm nothing. Funny, I've tried to love but my love is scorned. So I put up a guard so that I can't be hurt again and I become one of the coldest human beings on the planet. The famous "love chapter" says that love is not rude... ouch. It says that love is not irritable or self-serving. Ouch. I am the opposite of love. I want to love... God do I want to love! Desperately! In some ways it pushes me to want to be better. But then there's this voice that says, "what's the point?" Yes, yes, I know... all you church people are telling me not to listen to the voice of the Enemy, etc etc. I know this. Remember, I was raised in church. I know the Christian lingo. I know all the "right" answers. But what about REAL answers???? Let's talk about why no one wants anything to do with christianity. Maybe it's because there's a lack of love in the church? Outsiders look in and they see an army that has turned on itself and is slayiing its own... a bunch of chickens pecking each other to death. Would YOU want to be a part of a "family" like that? No, me either. I think we take each other for granted. "Oh, she's strong enough. She'll survive." How do you know that? No, I won't survive. I'm malnourished. I'm starved for affection. I'm hungry for fellowship. I'm lost in this dry barren wasteland and all I want is a sip of water. What sucks is that I see people walking by me with full cantines and they scoff at me. "she's strong enough, she has God's favor on her, she'll survive." Not if you keep trying to kill me, I won't! Unless you are the two people that I've REALLY shared my heart with, you don't know me. You don't know how close I've come to throwing in the towel and saying, "Forget it."
Why am I writing this? Am I trying to put someone on a guilt trip? No. Honestly i'd be surprised if anyone reads this. I'm writing for one think to vent because i'm angry and i'm hurt and what I really want to do right now is run away from everything. But I'm also writing because, if by chance someone does read this, you need to know that you DON'T KNOW what that other person is going through. When you walk by them and ignore them... when you don't answer their cries for help... you just may be condemning their souls to hell. Listen... listen to the cries for help. It could be life or death. Do you want their blood on your hands? No, me either.
God soften my heart so that I too will stop ignoring the cries for help. Cause me to love you and love others as much as myself. Open my eyes to the needs around me. Cause me to be a reflection of love. Help me to never be too busy to reach out to someone who's hurting. Help me to always remember that someone's eternity could be resting in my hands. Oh God, wash away the blood that stains my hands already. Forgive me for my calloused, hard heart. Remove this heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Remove from me any unclean thing. Take the coal, cleanse my lips, here I am. I am yours, Oh God, to do with whatever You please. Help me to remember that this life is not about me, that i am merely an extra in this movie that is all about You. Help me to remember that everything I do is for Your glory. Let me feel Your arms around me. Jesus, heal my shattered heart. It feels like it's beyond repair and hopeless, but I know that nothing is impossible for You. And Lord, please send me some companions... men and women after Your Own Heart that can be Your Hands and Feet to minister healing back into my malnourished heart. God I need You and as much as I hate to admit it, I need Your people too. Please God, I'm crying out for help. Please send someone to put salve on these wounds. God I need Your strength. I need Your healing. I need Your Love. God I don't feel Your Love. I feel unwanted and abandoned by You because Your people have abandoned me and proven I'm unwanted. Lord we are supposed to be Your reflection... help me not to treat others the way I've been treated. Help me to love with Your everlasting love. Open the eyes of your bride so that she will reach out to the hurting within her own body. Lord forgive us for turning so many away. Forgive us for killing our own. We are spiritual felons, all of us, guilty of the murder of souls. God help us to stop fighting each other, to stop ignoring one another. Teach us to love and to be loved. Yes God, teach us how to be loved when the concept is so foreign to us. God heal our hearts. We are broken and messed up. Help us. Give us Your Heart. Cause us to truly repent, to turn back from our ways and to truly seek Your heart. God teach me to love and help me not to be bitter. Remove the root of bitterness that has taken hold of my heart. Forgive me for questioning Your Love for me based on man's lack of love. Forgive me for condemning the very thing that I am guilty of. God pierce our hearts... break our hearts with the things that break Yours. Thank you for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for Your Love though I can't yet feel it. Thank you for the ones You are bringing to me to minister healing to their broken hearts. God use me as Your hands to minister healing and awaken my eyes to see when I've become a dagger bent on murder. Lord I repent of my lack of love. I repent of my anger, no matter how justified I am in being angry. Let Your peace reign in my heart. Remind me that your Grace has covered me and help me not to be overwhelmed by condemnation. God set me free. My heart has been taken captive and I need You to come rescue me. There is no other. There is no one like You. No one but You is worthy of my adoration. I give You all I am, though I'm broken and tattered and torn. Turn my ashes into beauty for the glory of Your Name.
Reap What You Sow (July 24, 2009)
I've always heard that you reap what you sow and it never really hit me until tonight that i've sown some pretty bad things. Hatred, Malice, Abandonment, Rejection, Offense, just to name a few. I faced some of that tonight as I realized that I have sown negatively in others' lives, hurt people very badly. And I wonder why I'm ignored by those I look up to... I wonder why all these negative things happen to me. I've done it to myself. Then it becomes a vicious cycle because I'm reaping what I've sown by someone else sowing into my life. Then when I become repentant, there's a dangerous line there between feeling remorse and condemnation. So we carry the weight around, not only the unforgiveness of the other person toward us, but our unforgiveness toward them and also toward ourselves. So we wall ourselves in, brick by brick we build our own prison. Ironic, that's the drama we were working on... My Own Prison. Yes, I know this doesn't make sense. It doesn't need to because I'm honestly just venting what's on my heart. I doubt anyone reads these things anyway.
I'm riding that fine line between remorse and condemnation. it would be really easy right now to listen to the voices that are telling me that I'm no good and that i've destroyed everyone i've come in contact with. It would be really easy to accept the lies as truths. I'm fighting to not do that. Because with condemnation comes self pity. It would be really easy to sit here feeling sorry for myself about how awful i've been but not do anything to make a change. I keep thinking about Crazy Love and how it paints a picture of a Lukewarm Christian, mostly that the lukewarm christian is without love. I want to love. I want to make a positive impact on ppl's life, not leave a trail of damaged aftermath. I want to be a blessing not a curse. I've got to put an end to this vicious cycle. God help me sow good and not evil.
I'm riding that fine line between remorse and condemnation. it would be really easy right now to listen to the voices that are telling me that I'm no good and that i've destroyed everyone i've come in contact with. It would be really easy to accept the lies as truths. I'm fighting to not do that. Because with condemnation comes self pity. It would be really easy to sit here feeling sorry for myself about how awful i've been but not do anything to make a change. I keep thinking about Crazy Love and how it paints a picture of a Lukewarm Christian, mostly that the lukewarm christian is without love. I want to love. I want to make a positive impact on ppl's life, not leave a trail of damaged aftermath. I want to be a blessing not a curse. I've got to put an end to this vicious cycle. God help me sow good and not evil.
Building the Future On the Past (July 26, 2009)
So for the first time in a year I allowed myself to be around teens. These were some really great kids to be around and I had a blast. But looking at these teens all I could think about were the ones I left behind. God I miss those kids. What's sad is they have no idea how much I love them, even to this day. My heart aches for them and not a day goes by that I don't think about them and wish things had been different. It took me a while to stop grieving and now i'm looking back at the scar that remains.
In some ways I wish I had never loved them so deeply to be so hurt by matters of circumstance. I would love to make them understand what happened, but anymore I don't even know. I know I made mistakes. I know false accusations were made. And I know everyone got hurt. I never ever want to go through that kind of pain again or put anyone through it again.
It's funny, as I was driving to the fellowship of teens tonight I contemplated stopping by to say hi to my old crew... but there are still some apologies left unspoken. There are still some things that won't be forgiven... no matter how often i asked for forgiveness. People have made up their minds about me and will stick to their opinions of me. It grieves me that I can't go back. I wish with everything in me that I could go spend one service with them... just one. That for just a moment we could recapture the way things used to be. but I would be naive to believe such a thing possible.
Now all I can do is look to the future. "forgetting what is behind me, i press on toward the mark." Well, not entirely forgetting what is behind me. For as long as I live I will never forget this special handful of teens. I'll never stop missing them or loving them. I wish they knew how much they impacted me. i wish they could feel the love I have for them. but words cannot express what i feel. Nor would they believe me. :(
So as to end on a positive note, here's to the future and all the wonderful kids I'll meet. I hope they're half as amazing as the ones I left behind. Those are some pretty amazing teens with awesome futures ahead of them if they'll stay close to God. ;)
In some ways I wish I had never loved them so deeply to be so hurt by matters of circumstance. I would love to make them understand what happened, but anymore I don't even know. I know I made mistakes. I know false accusations were made. And I know everyone got hurt. I never ever want to go through that kind of pain again or put anyone through it again.
It's funny, as I was driving to the fellowship of teens tonight I contemplated stopping by to say hi to my old crew... but there are still some apologies left unspoken. There are still some things that won't be forgiven... no matter how often i asked for forgiveness. People have made up their minds about me and will stick to their opinions of me. It grieves me that I can't go back. I wish with everything in me that I could go spend one service with them... just one. That for just a moment we could recapture the way things used to be. but I would be naive to believe such a thing possible.
Now all I can do is look to the future. "forgetting what is behind me, i press on toward the mark." Well, not entirely forgetting what is behind me. For as long as I live I will never forget this special handful of teens. I'll never stop missing them or loving them. I wish they knew how much they impacted me. i wish they could feel the love I have for them. but words cannot express what i feel. Nor would they believe me. :(
So as to end on a positive note, here's to the future and all the wonderful kids I'll meet. I hope they're half as amazing as the ones I left behind. Those are some pretty amazing teens with awesome futures ahead of them if they'll stay close to God. ;)
When the Veil Is Torn (Nov 9, 2009)
I'm sitting in bed wrestling with my soul to go to sleep. I know I can't until i do what I need to do, but I really don't want to. Why does it come to this? I don't do what in my heart I really do want to do? Why do I avoid spending time alone with God? I deliberately find ways to avoid Him. How can this be?! He was the Love of my life for so long, and now I avoid him, just as I would a former love interest. I know this grieves Him. Then I complain and blame everything on Him. He's so jealous for me that he removes anything that stands in the path and blocks me from returning to Him. How could I ever run from such love?
I have been wrestling deep within me over my salvation. I got saved when I was 6 years old... long before I had a past. As good as that may sound to someone on the 'outside' and those who are religious, i think it's awful. Let me explain. I grew up knowing Jesus as my best friend. Yes, that's wonderful. But here's the part that sucks... because I knew Him at such a young age, I took Him for granted. I have had a scripture running over and over in my mind for months now... he who is much will love much... something to that effect. It hit me when i read that, that the reason I love so little is because I don't feel I've been forgiven much. I don't have a history like those who did not grow up outside of the church. Instead, I grew up religious and pious, thinking I'm okay and everyone else is broken. I thought that because I grew up as the "good little christian girl" that I didn't have much that needed to be forgiven. A cuss word slips every now and then. Big deal. But after I spent time with those who have not grown up in the church, a new realization hit me. They are the ones who are blessed. They know what they were before Jesus. They aren't deceived into thinking they are okay. I realized that I do have much I need to be forgiven for. I haven't slept around, done drugs, practiced witchcraft, or any of 'those types' of things. However, i've been critical, harsh, judgmental, angry, bitter, proud, resentful, religious, pious... the list goes on.
As I mentioned, I've been thinking a lot about salvation. My pride tells me, 'oh you have nothing to worry about. You've lived for God all your life.' I've heard two instances in the past month of individuals who had lived the 'christian life' for many years, then one day truly got saved. The other day in counseling I was asked if I really know Jesus. At first my pride wanted to say, "well of course! I've been a christian my whole life!" But the truth is what came out of my mouth. To be honest, I don't. I don't know His character. It's been distorted for a while in my mind. I got comfortable with the notion of God, but I began to ignore Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I would pray to the Father, but never cultivated a relationship with my Savior. Isn't that what Christianity is all about? Relationship... it's a romance with Jesus. If we have no romance with Jesus... no relationship, how can we call ourselves Christians?
As I write this, tears stream down my face. I want to know Jesus, not just about Him. I mean KNOW Him, in an intimate sense as a bride knows her groom. I don't want to be deceived anymore. My pride is telling me not to write the next line, but I'm going to anyway. Tonight I truly asked Jesus into my heart. I'm scared of starting over, getting back to the basics. The other day in counseling I was asked to pray OUT LOUD in tongues. It bothered me a great deal. It embarrassed me. I didn't want to do it and if I could've backed out of it I would've. They made me do it and I was not happy about it. I felt a wall go up and a defiance wash over me, balking at the thought of having to do it. That shouldn't be the case. I didn't realize that asking for healing would bring me back to the very beginning of it all. I hate starting over. It's degrading to me to admit that i've lived my life for the past 8 years for Holley. Sure, before that I lived for God. He had great grace and mercy for me and put up with my moments of self. But as I grew older, I became more and more focused on my SELF.
I was laying here trying to go to sleep and I began, rather reluctantly, to pray. The word "deception" came to mind and I realized that I've been deceiving myself for so long; not just myself but everyone around me. I have been saying that I love God... but when a song saying, "No sweeter Name than the Name of Jesus" or "Jesus I love You" starts to play, I've noticed I won't sing it. I began to ask myself why. It's because I know that's not true deep within me. I WANT to love Him, but the truth is I don't. He said Himself, "if you love me, keep my commandments." and what commandments are those? "Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, and mind" and "Love your neighbor as yourself." Wow. pretty hard stuff for me. I can't say I've kept either of those. I am not a loving person. I pretend to be, but the truth of the matter is my focus is on myself. What can I get out of this? What about me? To be honest, God has been so very patient with me. When I've gone to any service where there's prophetic words going out, I am not sitting there praising God and worshipping and thanking Him for what He's doing for others. That's what I SHOULD be doing, but what am I doing? I'm sitting there begging God, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" Seriously... He's been gracious enough to me to speak to me even when I'm being so selfish. Probably because His desire for me is so strong. He knows that if He didn't speak to me when I'm begging Him that I would become angry with Him and become more bitter. How's that for trying to control things? As I've begun this counseling, my focus has been about feeling God's presence again. Why? Because it makes me feel good. I've never taken the time to dissect it. I remember what it FELT like and I miss that. I remember feeling the anointing and how good it felt. That's what I've been pursuing. And I catch myself thinking or saying, "I'll be glad when I'm healed so I can finally meet my Beloved." Once again, self-centered. Sure, i know that when I get better that i'll be effective in ministry. But has that been on my mind much? Not really. I have found that I don't really trust God. To be honest, at this point I shouldn't trust Him. Seriously, how can you trust Someone you don't know? Ouch, hard stuff.
I've pointed fingers for as long as I can remember. "How dare they call themselves Christians?" I would say. At the age of 12 God told me prophetically to have mercy on His ppl. WOW. How many 12 year olds do you know that are that critical and harsh that God would have to speak such a strong word of correction? You would think I would've gotten the message. I keep thinking about a particular person that was in my life that spoke very harshly concerning me and I became offended because they basically questioned my salvation. I was so angry that they would accuse me of not being a real Christian. They said, "Not everyone who cries out Lord, Lord will enter the Kingdom of Heaven." I was so offended by that. How dare they say such a thing to me?! But now... I wish I would've listened and heeded the warning then. God has given me so many chances to heed the warning... and still I remain unchanged. I want to change. I don't want to be hard-hearted anymore. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want to truly KNOW Yeshua (Jesus). I want to experience that Divine Romance. I want my motives to be pure for once, not worrying about what's in it for me, what i can gain. I want to truly be set-apart.
For me, the veil that was torn tonight was deceit. Remember what happened when the veil was torn from the temple? Access to the very presence of God was made possible. Maybe this is the point I needed to reach. I never ever thought I would come to this exact point in my life. I thought the beginning was behind me. Maybe I don't have a past that we church people look down on as "bad," but I do have a past. I would say mine is worse because all along I was walking in piety and deceit. At least those who came from the world recognized the sin in their lives and were able to renounce it. I think I understand a little bit better, "Oh, woe is me! For I am a man of unclean lips." I've known for a while that I was defiled, but I never truly understood what it was. I hope I can keep a repentant posture beyond this moment.
Thanks to those who have shared their stories in the past month that have made this a little bit less humiliating and have pushed me in the right direction. Sometimes you never know the impact you've made on a life.
I have been wrestling deep within me over my salvation. I got saved when I was 6 years old... long before I had a past. As good as that may sound to someone on the 'outside' and those who are religious, i think it's awful. Let me explain. I grew up knowing Jesus as my best friend. Yes, that's wonderful. But here's the part that sucks... because I knew Him at such a young age, I took Him for granted. I have had a scripture running over and over in my mind for months now... he who is much will love much... something to that effect. It hit me when i read that, that the reason I love so little is because I don't feel I've been forgiven much. I don't have a history like those who did not grow up outside of the church. Instead, I grew up religious and pious, thinking I'm okay and everyone else is broken. I thought that because I grew up as the "good little christian girl" that I didn't have much that needed to be forgiven. A cuss word slips every now and then. Big deal. But after I spent time with those who have not grown up in the church, a new realization hit me. They are the ones who are blessed. They know what they were before Jesus. They aren't deceived into thinking they are okay. I realized that I do have much I need to be forgiven for. I haven't slept around, done drugs, practiced witchcraft, or any of 'those types' of things. However, i've been critical, harsh, judgmental, angry, bitter, proud, resentful, religious, pious... the list goes on.
As I mentioned, I've been thinking a lot about salvation. My pride tells me, 'oh you have nothing to worry about. You've lived for God all your life.' I've heard two instances in the past month of individuals who had lived the 'christian life' for many years, then one day truly got saved. The other day in counseling I was asked if I really know Jesus. At first my pride wanted to say, "well of course! I've been a christian my whole life!" But the truth is what came out of my mouth. To be honest, I don't. I don't know His character. It's been distorted for a while in my mind. I got comfortable with the notion of God, but I began to ignore Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I would pray to the Father, but never cultivated a relationship with my Savior. Isn't that what Christianity is all about? Relationship... it's a romance with Jesus. If we have no romance with Jesus... no relationship, how can we call ourselves Christians?
As I write this, tears stream down my face. I want to know Jesus, not just about Him. I mean KNOW Him, in an intimate sense as a bride knows her groom. I don't want to be deceived anymore. My pride is telling me not to write the next line, but I'm going to anyway. Tonight I truly asked Jesus into my heart. I'm scared of starting over, getting back to the basics. The other day in counseling I was asked to pray OUT LOUD in tongues. It bothered me a great deal. It embarrassed me. I didn't want to do it and if I could've backed out of it I would've. They made me do it and I was not happy about it. I felt a wall go up and a defiance wash over me, balking at the thought of having to do it. That shouldn't be the case. I didn't realize that asking for healing would bring me back to the very beginning of it all. I hate starting over. It's degrading to me to admit that i've lived my life for the past 8 years for Holley. Sure, before that I lived for God. He had great grace and mercy for me and put up with my moments of self. But as I grew older, I became more and more focused on my SELF.
I was laying here trying to go to sleep and I began, rather reluctantly, to pray. The word "deception" came to mind and I realized that I've been deceiving myself for so long; not just myself but everyone around me. I have been saying that I love God... but when a song saying, "No sweeter Name than the Name of Jesus" or "Jesus I love You" starts to play, I've noticed I won't sing it. I began to ask myself why. It's because I know that's not true deep within me. I WANT to love Him, but the truth is I don't. He said Himself, "if you love me, keep my commandments." and what commandments are those? "Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, and mind" and "Love your neighbor as yourself." Wow. pretty hard stuff for me. I can't say I've kept either of those. I am not a loving person. I pretend to be, but the truth of the matter is my focus is on myself. What can I get out of this? What about me? To be honest, God has been so very patient with me. When I've gone to any service where there's prophetic words going out, I am not sitting there praising God and worshipping and thanking Him for what He's doing for others. That's what I SHOULD be doing, but what am I doing? I'm sitting there begging God, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" Seriously... He's been gracious enough to me to speak to me even when I'm being so selfish. Probably because His desire for me is so strong. He knows that if He didn't speak to me when I'm begging Him that I would become angry with Him and become more bitter. How's that for trying to control things? As I've begun this counseling, my focus has been about feeling God's presence again. Why? Because it makes me feel good. I've never taken the time to dissect it. I remember what it FELT like and I miss that. I remember feeling the anointing and how good it felt. That's what I've been pursuing. And I catch myself thinking or saying, "I'll be glad when I'm healed so I can finally meet my Beloved." Once again, self-centered. Sure, i know that when I get better that i'll be effective in ministry. But has that been on my mind much? Not really. I have found that I don't really trust God. To be honest, at this point I shouldn't trust Him. Seriously, how can you trust Someone you don't know? Ouch, hard stuff.
I've pointed fingers for as long as I can remember. "How dare they call themselves Christians?" I would say. At the age of 12 God told me prophetically to have mercy on His ppl. WOW. How many 12 year olds do you know that are that critical and harsh that God would have to speak such a strong word of correction? You would think I would've gotten the message. I keep thinking about a particular person that was in my life that spoke very harshly concerning me and I became offended because they basically questioned my salvation. I was so angry that they would accuse me of not being a real Christian. They said, "Not everyone who cries out Lord, Lord will enter the Kingdom of Heaven." I was so offended by that. How dare they say such a thing to me?! But now... I wish I would've listened and heeded the warning then. God has given me so many chances to heed the warning... and still I remain unchanged. I want to change. I don't want to be hard-hearted anymore. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want to truly KNOW Yeshua (Jesus). I want to experience that Divine Romance. I want my motives to be pure for once, not worrying about what's in it for me, what i can gain. I want to truly be set-apart.
For me, the veil that was torn tonight was deceit. Remember what happened when the veil was torn from the temple? Access to the very presence of God was made possible. Maybe this is the point I needed to reach. I never ever thought I would come to this exact point in my life. I thought the beginning was behind me. Maybe I don't have a past that we church people look down on as "bad," but I do have a past. I would say mine is worse because all along I was walking in piety and deceit. At least those who came from the world recognized the sin in their lives and were able to renounce it. I think I understand a little bit better, "Oh, woe is me! For I am a man of unclean lips." I've known for a while that I was defiled, but I never truly understood what it was. I hope I can keep a repentant posture beyond this moment.
Thanks to those who have shared their stories in the past month that have made this a little bit less humiliating and have pushed me in the right direction. Sometimes you never know the impact you've made on a life.
Inside Out (Nov 19,2009)
WOW. So day before yesterday I woke up in a REALLY bad mood. Then mom said she hoped I wouldn't give up on God. That started me thinking. I was at that point. I've come to a dead end and just wanted to give up. Mom felt like God was telling her that I was angry with Him that He didn't fulfill His promise to me about my Beloved. Maybe that's true. In fact, seeing as how that's what I whine about most, I would say that's dead on. Anyway, He (through my mom) reminded me of a prophecy from about 2 years ago. I was so excited because I was told, "you've waited long enough." I really thought that everything was going to change, that I'd finally have my Beloved. After all, there are only 2 things I've been waiting for... restoration and my Beloved. I interpreted it to mean the latter.... but I interpreted wrong. Somehow I suppose I forgot the former was something else I was waiting on. When 2008, then 2009 came and went, I became angry that I was still alone; bitter that God blessed everyone around me with the one thing I wanted most.
I don't know what spurred it, but while I was watching House tonight... at some point I remembered that I wrote that prophecy down. Ironically the notebook I wrote it in just happened to be on the bed next to me. I opened the notebook (reserved only for spiritual matters, notes, etc) and began reading the first page (dated Oct. 4, 2007)
"It is when we are in the valley, where we prove whether we will be the choice ones, that most of us turn back... We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to have the vision 'battr'd to shaped and use' by God? The batterings always come in commonplace ways and through commonplace people. There are times when we do know what God's purpose is; whether we will let the vision be turned into actual character depends on us, not upon God. If we prefer to loll on the mount and live in the memory of the vision, we will be of no use actually in the ordinary stuff of which human life is made up... (God) must dominate... No human being knows human being as God does." --Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
About three pages later, I find the prophecy written from memory later the night that the prophecy was given. I know I didn't remember every single thing. But I wrote down the parts I did remember. January 5, 2008 God spoke through Michelle Pace, who at the time knew very little of me, to me during a very rough time in my life. I was angry and hurting, but went to the Burn hoping God would meet me in a powerful way and minister to me. He did. He spoke through Michelle the most powerful words I have heard in a long time, before and since. He began by saying to me, "You are not alone." That alone made me bawl like a baby. He said He was giving me a new strength like I've never known before. He said i would experience a new passion and intimacy with Him like I've never known before. He said, "I am going to turn you inside out and remind you of deep, hidden things." At the time, I didn't really realize what He was saying. If I would've know that it was going to be a painful process, I wouldn't have been so eager to accept it. But here I am, nearly 2 years later and I'm reading those words with my jaw nearly scraping the floor. How did I forget that? That's exactly what is being done to me... I'm being turned inside out. Every ugly thing in me is being exposed. I thought then that being turned inside out and being reminded of "deep, hidden things" meant that the softness that is truly in my heart would come to the surface (with no action on my part, i must add) and that the 'deep, hidden things' were talents, good things... Now I see it so differently. Yes, the softness in my heart is what God wants to bring to the outside. But I wasn't aware of the pain of being turned inside out, having everything exposed, being vulnerable for everyone to pick at my vital organs. I wasn't aware that the 'deep, hidden things" He was going to reveal were painful things that I've long left buried. Damage done to my heart that I never dealt with. Now I see it all so clearly. The prophecy also said, 'this is a year of new beginnings.' I thought I would be turning over a new leaf and everything was suddenly going to change for me for the better. WRONG! At that point I headed into this rabbit hole, and i keep going deeper and deeper. The walls are closing in around me and it's getting darker and darker. It's a new beginning alright, but not the kind I would've chosen. It was the beginning of this painful healing process. Now I think I understand a little bit better.
I'm not inside out yet. I've been fighting the process. It hurts to be cut into for surgery. It hurts to heal. Some people just after surgery wish they could just die to end the pain. But in the long run, once the scars have healed and the damage is repaired, they are happy to have done it. They wouldn't trade their new chance at life for the world. I'm not to that point yet.
Lately I've felt like giving up... giving up on God and on life. When it comes right down to it, it's not God I lack faith in... it's me. I don't have a problem believing God can heal me. I have a problem believing I can change. You see, I'm not a disciplined person. If I get bored with something or just don't like it, I give up on it. I've never stuck with anything. Sure, i have good intentions and may go a few months on the right track with something... but somewhere along the line I get off track and never get back on until I'm way off track. Then I may attempt again to make the necessary change. It's always the same... I always go back to the way I was before. It's overwhelming to me to think of taking the necessary steps to change. I can't see it. I know that God is a gentleman and that He won't force us to do something. He can't just change me without me putting forth the effort to change. I just worry that I won't... I don't have much faith in myself. Thinking about such an overwhelming feat makes me feel defeated already. Then I give up hope of ever being the person I'm truly meant to be. That's where I've been lately.
Tonight, I don't feel like giving up. Will that change tomorrow? I hope not but knowing me it's highly possible. Tonight I have hope that God knew two years ago that I would be struggling just as I am right now; that He would shake my world and turn it upside down, thus turning me inside out. So if 2 years ago, He knew and told me what He was going to do, then that gives me hope that He's not as far away as I thought. And maybe He's not angry with me like I've believed, for being such an awful bride. Lately my relationship with God has felt more like an arranged marriage than one created out of relationship and intimacy. I wonder how many other Christians feel that way? I don't want it to be that way. I want to desire a relationship with Him again... not just go through the motions and pretend to want something that i don't feel. I want everything to be as good as it was with God as when I was in high school, if not better. I want to love God again. I guess somewhere deep inside me I must or I wouldn't be struggling.
I keep thinking about gold in the fire... the dross coming to the surface. There's a lot of dross coming to the surface and it's not a pretty sight to behold. There's a sifting going on and it's quite painful. I hope it's over soon. I wish i could just surrender to it and cooperate and stop fighting it so hard. I guess we'll find out.
Michelle, if you're reading this, thank you for pouring into my life and being obedient to the Holy Spirit. I would venture to guess that your obedience has saved my life... literally. Thank you!
I don't know what spurred it, but while I was watching House tonight... at some point I remembered that I wrote that prophecy down. Ironically the notebook I wrote it in just happened to be on the bed next to me. I opened the notebook (reserved only for spiritual matters, notes, etc) and began reading the first page (dated Oct. 4, 2007)
"It is when we are in the valley, where we prove whether we will be the choice ones, that most of us turn back... We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to have the vision 'battr'd to shaped and use' by God? The batterings always come in commonplace ways and through commonplace people. There are times when we do know what God's purpose is; whether we will let the vision be turned into actual character depends on us, not upon God. If we prefer to loll on the mount and live in the memory of the vision, we will be of no use actually in the ordinary stuff of which human life is made up... (God) must dominate... No human being knows human being as God does." --Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
About three pages later, I find the prophecy written from memory later the night that the prophecy was given. I know I didn't remember every single thing. But I wrote down the parts I did remember. January 5, 2008 God spoke through Michelle Pace, who at the time knew very little of me, to me during a very rough time in my life. I was angry and hurting, but went to the Burn hoping God would meet me in a powerful way and minister to me. He did. He spoke through Michelle the most powerful words I have heard in a long time, before and since. He began by saying to me, "You are not alone." That alone made me bawl like a baby. He said He was giving me a new strength like I've never known before. He said i would experience a new passion and intimacy with Him like I've never known before. He said, "I am going to turn you inside out and remind you of deep, hidden things." At the time, I didn't really realize what He was saying. If I would've know that it was going to be a painful process, I wouldn't have been so eager to accept it. But here I am, nearly 2 years later and I'm reading those words with my jaw nearly scraping the floor. How did I forget that? That's exactly what is being done to me... I'm being turned inside out. Every ugly thing in me is being exposed. I thought then that being turned inside out and being reminded of "deep, hidden things" meant that the softness that is truly in my heart would come to the surface (with no action on my part, i must add) and that the 'deep, hidden things' were talents, good things... Now I see it so differently. Yes, the softness in my heart is what God wants to bring to the outside. But I wasn't aware of the pain of being turned inside out, having everything exposed, being vulnerable for everyone to pick at my vital organs. I wasn't aware that the 'deep, hidden things" He was going to reveal were painful things that I've long left buried. Damage done to my heart that I never dealt with. Now I see it all so clearly. The prophecy also said, 'this is a year of new beginnings.' I thought I would be turning over a new leaf and everything was suddenly going to change for me for the better. WRONG! At that point I headed into this rabbit hole, and i keep going deeper and deeper. The walls are closing in around me and it's getting darker and darker. It's a new beginning alright, but not the kind I would've chosen. It was the beginning of this painful healing process. Now I think I understand a little bit better.
I'm not inside out yet. I've been fighting the process. It hurts to be cut into for surgery. It hurts to heal. Some people just after surgery wish they could just die to end the pain. But in the long run, once the scars have healed and the damage is repaired, they are happy to have done it. They wouldn't trade their new chance at life for the world. I'm not to that point yet.
Lately I've felt like giving up... giving up on God and on life. When it comes right down to it, it's not God I lack faith in... it's me. I don't have a problem believing God can heal me. I have a problem believing I can change. You see, I'm not a disciplined person. If I get bored with something or just don't like it, I give up on it. I've never stuck with anything. Sure, i have good intentions and may go a few months on the right track with something... but somewhere along the line I get off track and never get back on until I'm way off track. Then I may attempt again to make the necessary change. It's always the same... I always go back to the way I was before. It's overwhelming to me to think of taking the necessary steps to change. I can't see it. I know that God is a gentleman and that He won't force us to do something. He can't just change me without me putting forth the effort to change. I just worry that I won't... I don't have much faith in myself. Thinking about such an overwhelming feat makes me feel defeated already. Then I give up hope of ever being the person I'm truly meant to be. That's where I've been lately.
Tonight, I don't feel like giving up. Will that change tomorrow? I hope not but knowing me it's highly possible. Tonight I have hope that God knew two years ago that I would be struggling just as I am right now; that He would shake my world and turn it upside down, thus turning me inside out. So if 2 years ago, He knew and told me what He was going to do, then that gives me hope that He's not as far away as I thought. And maybe He's not angry with me like I've believed, for being such an awful bride. Lately my relationship with God has felt more like an arranged marriage than one created out of relationship and intimacy. I wonder how many other Christians feel that way? I don't want it to be that way. I want to desire a relationship with Him again... not just go through the motions and pretend to want something that i don't feel. I want everything to be as good as it was with God as when I was in high school, if not better. I want to love God again. I guess somewhere deep inside me I must or I wouldn't be struggling.
I keep thinking about gold in the fire... the dross coming to the surface. There's a lot of dross coming to the surface and it's not a pretty sight to behold. There's a sifting going on and it's quite painful. I hope it's over soon. I wish i could just surrender to it and cooperate and stop fighting it so hard. I guess we'll find out.
Michelle, if you're reading this, thank you for pouring into my life and being obedient to the Holy Spirit. I would venture to guess that your obedience has saved my life... literally. Thank you!
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