Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Christianese
Is it just me or is the Christian lingo sickening? I detest being called "Sister." I loathe the religious BS and loaded phrases of the Christian culture. Just be real and talk to me like a normal human being. Don't try to sound spiritual. It just puts off those of us who want nothing to do with religious BS. I want a relationship with God, not sickeningly sweet niceties that make you sound as fake as the day is long. Seriously, it's sickening and makes me want to vomit.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
The Secret to Relationship Success
As a young woman nearing her 30s, I have witnessed a great deal. I have observed enough to be able to give this advice. I have encountered MANY broken hearts, as well as experienced it for myself, to discover the secret to relationship success. Are you ready?
Here's the secret: PURITY. Seriously, keep reading. It has been my experience and observation that when physical intimacy enters a relationship, emotional intimacy exits. It is my firm belief that an emotional bond should be built long before a physical one. I believe with all my heart that a successful relationship is one which begins as a friendship, evolves into courtship, and further evolves into a lifelong commitment. Women who engage in physical intimacy in the beginning of a relationship are more inclined to have their hearts broken.
I have watched many of my friends get their hearts pulled out, shattered, stomped on, and handed back to them. In fact, 9 times out of 10, they have been the ones to willingly give their hearts away to someone who hasn't expressed a desire for, nor worked to win their hearts. I have been that girl. I learned a valuable lesson 3 years ago. My ex-fiance once told me to stop pursuing him, that I wasn't a challenge. He said that I was so willing to give my heart to him that he didn't have to work for it. He wanted to pursue me, but I robbed him of that chance. Ladies, there's a reason for the "play hard to get." It's because it works. A man's primal instincts is to hunt. How much fun would it be for a hunter if the deer walked right up to him and said, "here I am, shoot me." Does that sound ludicrous? The whole issue is that they want the hunt. They want a trophy to show that they worked to get that deer. It wouldn't be as fun for them if there was no challenge. Ladies, men want a challenge!!!!!
So what do I propose? First of all, don't pursue a man, no matter how much you want to get to know him. If he's interested, he'll pursue you. Don't text him, don't call him. Don't kiss him. Don't throw yourself at him. Let HIM come to YOU. Then don't make it easy. Don't re-arrange your schedule to spend time with him. If you're busy, admit you're busy. It will enhance the experience for him. He will become that much more determined to get your attention and prove to himself (and you) that he's worth your time. Don't allow physical intimacy early on in the relationship. The level of physical intimacy should match the level of commitment. Spend more time communicating, getting to know one another, not making out. If he says he's "busy" and that's why he hasn't called you in a few days, move on. A man who's smitten will make time for you no matter how busy he is.
I have actually had men tell me that they would rather have a woman who is pure than a girl who throws themselves at them. One man was honest enough to tell me that he would take advantage of a girl who offered herself so freely to him; but that once he got what he wanted (not her heart), he would move on to look for a woman who wasn't so easily available. The kind of woman he would make a commitment to is the kind of woman who knows her worth and makes him work to win her heart.
Confidence is key. Know that you're worth it. If the guy isn't paying attention to you, don't dwell on him. Hold out for the one who makes you feel like one in a million. I recently read a series by Karen Kingsbury and the character's mother said, "Bailey, you will know the right one because he will pursue you like a dying man in a desert pursues water." I loved that! She hit the nail on the head. If he's not pursuing you, he's not worth your time! Know your worth and know you are worth being pursued! Before you know it, that right man will be pursuing you like a dying man in a desert searches for water.
Here's the secret: PURITY. Seriously, keep reading. It has been my experience and observation that when physical intimacy enters a relationship, emotional intimacy exits. It is my firm belief that an emotional bond should be built long before a physical one. I believe with all my heart that a successful relationship is one which begins as a friendship, evolves into courtship, and further evolves into a lifelong commitment. Women who engage in physical intimacy in the beginning of a relationship are more inclined to have their hearts broken.
I have watched many of my friends get their hearts pulled out, shattered, stomped on, and handed back to them. In fact, 9 times out of 10, they have been the ones to willingly give their hearts away to someone who hasn't expressed a desire for, nor worked to win their hearts. I have been that girl. I learned a valuable lesson 3 years ago. My ex-fiance once told me to stop pursuing him, that I wasn't a challenge. He said that I was so willing to give my heart to him that he didn't have to work for it. He wanted to pursue me, but I robbed him of that chance. Ladies, there's a reason for the "play hard to get." It's because it works. A man's primal instincts is to hunt. How much fun would it be for a hunter if the deer walked right up to him and said, "here I am, shoot me." Does that sound ludicrous? The whole issue is that they want the hunt. They want a trophy to show that they worked to get that deer. It wouldn't be as fun for them if there was no challenge. Ladies, men want a challenge!!!!!
So what do I propose? First of all, don't pursue a man, no matter how much you want to get to know him. If he's interested, he'll pursue you. Don't text him, don't call him. Don't kiss him. Don't throw yourself at him. Let HIM come to YOU. Then don't make it easy. Don't re-arrange your schedule to spend time with him. If you're busy, admit you're busy. It will enhance the experience for him. He will become that much more determined to get your attention and prove to himself (and you) that he's worth your time. Don't allow physical intimacy early on in the relationship. The level of physical intimacy should match the level of commitment. Spend more time communicating, getting to know one another, not making out. If he says he's "busy" and that's why he hasn't called you in a few days, move on. A man who's smitten will make time for you no matter how busy he is.
I have actually had men tell me that they would rather have a woman who is pure than a girl who throws themselves at them. One man was honest enough to tell me that he would take advantage of a girl who offered herself so freely to him; but that once he got what he wanted (not her heart), he would move on to look for a woman who wasn't so easily available. The kind of woman he would make a commitment to is the kind of woman who knows her worth and makes him work to win her heart.
Confidence is key. Know that you're worth it. If the guy isn't paying attention to you, don't dwell on him. Hold out for the one who makes you feel like one in a million. I recently read a series by Karen Kingsbury and the character's mother said, "Bailey, you will know the right one because he will pursue you like a dying man in a desert pursues water." I loved that! She hit the nail on the head. If he's not pursuing you, he's not worth your time! Know your worth and know you are worth being pursued! Before you know it, that right man will be pursuing you like a dying man in a desert searches for water.
Arrogance vs. Confidence
arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
confidence: the quality or state of being certain : certitude <they had every confidence of success>
As has been stated over and over in my past blogs, I grew up in churches. I remember my parents trying to instill confidence in me, always telling me I was beautiful, smart, that I could do anything I set my mind to. However, all that was unwittingly destroyed by the church's stance on humility. I remember it being shoved down my throat that we should not be confident in anyone but God. We can do nothing good in and of ourselves. We shouldn't focus on the outward appearance. Blah blah blah.
As a result, I have seen a great atrocity in our society. We have stripped our women of confidence, as well as our young men. We wonder why so many young people, even those who are churched, are engaging in the things they are: sexual activity, gangs, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, etc. As I have said in past blogs regarding beauty, etc., I firmly believe that if we would instill CONFIDENCE into our young people, they would be a lot stronger in their stand against such vices.
One thing that plagues me about my upbringing in church is that if I ever felt good about myself, I felt guilty. I've noticed that young women, both churched and unchurched, feel the need to combat a compliment with a negative appraisal of themselves. Ex.: "Wow, you look very pretty today!" "Whatever, I look like a fat cow." These negative responses are not innate, but what we feel we are expected to say out of humility. As we repeat these negative appraisals of ourselves over and over, we eventually come to believe them. At first, it's a matter of fear. We fear someone will think we are arrogant to say, "Thanks, I feel pretty today." After all, socially it's not the norm. We fear what other women will say about us if we say anything positive about ourselves. But after a while, we begin to believe those negative appraisals.
I have learned to see myself as beautiful, both inside and out. It wasn't easy. I read the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. That's where my journey began. I have documentation from my younger years that show my self-loathing. I have watched myself slowly emerge from that mindset just over the past 5 years. After reading "Captivating," I understood God's view of me. I understood that it was okay to appreciate beauty, that to negate my own beauty was an insult to my Creator. I began to say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." I stopped measuring myself against the Barbie dolls around me and began seeing myself as a unique individual. For that, I am forever grateful.
One thing I have witnessed is this: Women who are not confident will have sex with a man to gain his adoration. But once he has had his fill and moved on, she is crushed and left feeling she was not enough. On the other hand, a woman who knows her worth knows she should be respected and will have high standards. She will not open the door to a relationship with a man that would disrespect her. She will be bold enough to say up front, "I know my worth. You will treat me with respect. I will not have sex with you. You will either win my heart or die trying. If you can't accept that, hit the road now." A confident woman, though lonely at times, can withstand singleness because she knows her existence and worth is not dependent on the appraisal of a man. She is a rare jewel, one worth far more than diamonds. She is the one who will "live happily ever after," because she knows who she is, whose she is, and that she is beautiful. That confidence is beautiful, not arrogant.
I now know my worth. I am not so arrogant as to walk around thinking I'm better than anyone else. But I know who I am, whose I am, and that I am beautiful. So ladies, please, PLEASE take this to heart. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! It's okay to admit it. It's okay to believe it. Besides making a difference in our choices, CONFIDENCE IS SEXY! Arrogance is not. Just remember the difference. Know your worth, admit your worth, but don't act like you're better than others. If you are a confident woman surrounded by women who are not, raise them up. If we can increase the number of confident women, we will see a change in our society. I've said it before and I believe it with all my heart. BE CONFIDENT!
confidence: the quality or state of being certain : certitude <they had every confidence of success>
As has been stated over and over in my past blogs, I grew up in churches. I remember my parents trying to instill confidence in me, always telling me I was beautiful, smart, that I could do anything I set my mind to. However, all that was unwittingly destroyed by the church's stance on humility. I remember it being shoved down my throat that we should not be confident in anyone but God. We can do nothing good in and of ourselves. We shouldn't focus on the outward appearance. Blah blah blah.
As a result, I have seen a great atrocity in our society. We have stripped our women of confidence, as well as our young men. We wonder why so many young people, even those who are churched, are engaging in the things they are: sexual activity, gangs, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, etc. As I have said in past blogs regarding beauty, etc., I firmly believe that if we would instill CONFIDENCE into our young people, they would be a lot stronger in their stand against such vices.
One thing that plagues me about my upbringing in church is that if I ever felt good about myself, I felt guilty. I've noticed that young women, both churched and unchurched, feel the need to combat a compliment with a negative appraisal of themselves. Ex.: "Wow, you look very pretty today!" "Whatever, I look like a fat cow." These negative responses are not innate, but what we feel we are expected to say out of humility. As we repeat these negative appraisals of ourselves over and over, we eventually come to believe them. At first, it's a matter of fear. We fear someone will think we are arrogant to say, "Thanks, I feel pretty today." After all, socially it's not the norm. We fear what other women will say about us if we say anything positive about ourselves. But after a while, we begin to believe those negative appraisals.
I have learned to see myself as beautiful, both inside and out. It wasn't easy. I read the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. That's where my journey began. I have documentation from my younger years that show my self-loathing. I have watched myself slowly emerge from that mindset just over the past 5 years. After reading "Captivating," I understood God's view of me. I understood that it was okay to appreciate beauty, that to negate my own beauty was an insult to my Creator. I began to say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." I stopped measuring myself against the Barbie dolls around me and began seeing myself as a unique individual. For that, I am forever grateful.
One thing I have witnessed is this: Women who are not confident will have sex with a man to gain his adoration. But once he has had his fill and moved on, she is crushed and left feeling she was not enough. On the other hand, a woman who knows her worth knows she should be respected and will have high standards. She will not open the door to a relationship with a man that would disrespect her. She will be bold enough to say up front, "I know my worth. You will treat me with respect. I will not have sex with you. You will either win my heart or die trying. If you can't accept that, hit the road now." A confident woman, though lonely at times, can withstand singleness because she knows her existence and worth is not dependent on the appraisal of a man. She is a rare jewel, one worth far more than diamonds. She is the one who will "live happily ever after," because she knows who she is, whose she is, and that she is beautiful. That confidence is beautiful, not arrogant.
I now know my worth. I am not so arrogant as to walk around thinking I'm better than anyone else. But I know who I am, whose I am, and that I am beautiful. So ladies, please, PLEASE take this to heart. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! It's okay to admit it. It's okay to believe it. Besides making a difference in our choices, CONFIDENCE IS SEXY! Arrogance is not. Just remember the difference. Know your worth, admit your worth, but don't act like you're better than others. If you are a confident woman surrounded by women who are not, raise them up. If we can increase the number of confident women, we will see a change in our society. I've said it before and I believe it with all my heart. BE CONFIDENT!
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