The Voice of One Calling in the Desert...

For the past 10 years, I have been walking in the proverbial "dry, barren wasteland," or spiritual desert. For the first 9 years, I fought it. It's only within the past year that I've come to accept that this is where I am and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been told that I'm in good company... all those who were "greats" in the Bible went through a desert period as well.

I've not understood my place in the desert. I've felt abandoned here. I've become angry with God for bringing me into this dry, barren wasteland. He has promised me that He was going to cause life and streams to spring up in the desert. He has said many things as to what He has called me to do. He has shown me that I'm meant to open the eyes of the blind and free the captives. Blind to what? Captive to what? Religion. I know that much.

But recently, I have seen the scripture again and again about being the voice of one calling in the desert. It irritated me, to be honest. Why? Because I didn't understand what it had to do with me. I just associated it with John and left it at that. But the wording caught my attention... "IN THE DESERT." God has said much to me about the desert... how that's where the Highway of Holiness is, how few can walk it, etc. So, what exactly is my part in all of this?

For years, I have felt drawn to the prophets of old. The books of the Bible that I'm drawn to are the books of the prophets, especially Isaiah and Jeremiah. But at the same time, I absolutely HATE reading in Jeremiah, especially. I keep reading of disobedience and wrath, doom and gloom. I have always perceived it as God telling me how I've messed up again and turned from Him and disappointed Him. I have not been able to read it through the eyes of seeing Him as a Loving God. I struggle with that still. Every time I read about how Israel blew it again, it upsets me.

I have known for years that I had the gift of discernment. I can read people very well and see things that "normal" people don't see. But I have been afraid to say that I operate in the prophetic. I've never uttered a prophecy. I've had words of knowledge, but I've never operated prophetically--saying what is to come. I have always been afraid of admitting that I thought I had that kind of calling on my life. It seems that it's okay to call yourself an evangelist or a pastor, or even an apostle. But in my upbringing, it has never been okay to label yourself a prophet(ess). Sure, people can walk in that calling, but it's not something you're supposed to admit to. I have always wanted that gifting, but never felt like I was "good enough" to walk in it. Nor did I feel free to express that I suspicioned it just may be one of my giftings.

The other day, my friend and mentor mentioned it to me. She thought I already knew that it was a gifting of mine. I sort of did, but not really. Having her recognize that in me seemed to make a huge difference. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, as if someone removed the veil from the mirror. It was as if it was confirmation that it's really okay to be ME. That I can accept who I am, who I'm called to be, and that it's okay. It seemed to fill me with relief as to why I walk the road I do. It suddenly made everything make sense.

So now my question is, how do I get back to where I'm supposed to be? How do I regain my passion for holiness? How do I regain my passion for revival? How do I regain my passion, period? How do I return to the woman I'm supposed to be? How do I accept this calling? How do I align myself so that I can walk in it? It looks like I've got a long road ahead of me to get where I need to be. *sigh* It's scary, to be honest. I'm trying to work through my walk away from the IC. I'm still trying to find balance. I'm still trying to find the difference between Religion and Relationship. I need to find that girl that I used to be and see if she can teach me a thing or two.