No opinions on religion here... just me being real (not that i'm not with the other topic, but you know...) and expressing what's on my heart. This time of year, for me, is the hardest. It's when the longing for my Beloved aches to my core. It screams into the void chasms of my heart. And I can't help but analyze it...
When you've been single for as long as I have (2 years now) you began to start wondering why. I consider myself a pretty confident woman these days. But in these moments, my insecurities surface. I'm told that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, talented, sweet... all the things a man should want in a woman. So I beg the question... why am I still single? It's not only been 2 years since I was in a relationship; it's been 2 years since anyone has asked me out.
When I'm defending my single state, I say that I'm single by choice. Certainly, I've had opportunities to get married. I've been engaged twice and had several others who wanted to marry me. But, with the exception of my last engagement/relationship, I always felt like I was settling. And if I were to be REALLY honest with myself, I would have to say that I can't even exclude my last beau. Oh, he was quite handsome. In fact, he's the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life. I was in awe of the fact that he was interested in ME. It was almost beyond comprehension because guys like that never EVER notice me. But beyond his looks, I was settling with him too. It's the first (AND LAST) time I've ever been in an abusive relationship. He never laid a hand on me, but boy was he controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive. Anyway, the point is, I've always settled for guys that weren't up to my standard. So therefore, I say I'm single by choice.
HOWEVER... at times like this I wonder just how much of a choice I really have when there's no opportunity. It's not that I want the attention of guys that are below my standards... I don't. But I do want the good guys to notice me for once. It seems the only ones I'm attracted to don't reciprocate for one reason or another. And I'm not a "make the first move" kind of girl. I guess some could argue that. Haha. Okay, yes I'm bold enough to initiate conversation and give a man an opportunity to pursue me. But I won't ask a man out or pursue him.
I don't know... it just makes me wonder what guys see when they look at me. Maybe I should've worded that "gentlemen" or something besides guys in general. I know what some guys see and I work to avoid that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I want to be pursued for my heart, not for my body. But as much as that narrows it down, that's still not adequate. After all, there are some really wonderful gentlemen out there that I'm just not attracted to for whatever reason. So there's not even adequate words to say what I'm wanting to express. That small group of men whom I find attractive (and gentlemanly behavior is part of that)... they're the ones I'm curious about. What is it about me that keeps them at bay?
So yeah... just thinking I suppose. I'm sure my single friends can relate to the, "why am I still single?" question. Funny how I can be confident in lots of areas and still be insecure in others. Obviously this is one of those tender spots for me. So yeah... anyway, thanks for reading as I "think out loud." ha.
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