Yesterday I discovered that the ihop website has 24/7 live streaming. Now, I still miss intense worship and being able to feel Abba's presence. I know that for individuals, it is real. Sincere hearts, whether chained by religion or not, do not go unnoticed. But as I was watching this live worship service, I began to feel grief. "God, why did you take that away from me?" I whispered, at least once. There were times I just wasn't into what was going on. Rather I was watching the people, thinking, "why are you doing that? You look stupid!" It was almost like watching a ridiculous comedy. I know, I know. Who am I to judge? But seriously, some of the things people do to look "spiritual" looks downright ridiculous. You can tell who is really sincere about what's going on and who's putting on a show. And it was at that point, I couldn't bear to watch any longer. *sigh*
I felt let down. I remember going to the Burn 24/7 worship sets in Shawnee, OK. That was the only place I could find refuge. I couldn't find what I was looking for in the church, but at the Burn it was totally different. God met me there. So, (last night) with a heavy heart, I shut off my computer, feeling lonelier than I have in a while. I felt like I couldn't express my grief to anyone for the fear of being judged. Church people would tell me how I was missing out and that I needed to "get right" with God. People outside the church would want to know why I was still looking towards the IC. I felt lonely... incredibly lonely. I don't fit anywhere. Who could possibly understand?
I asked God to meet me there, in my bedroom. I opened my Bible to read, hoping He would answer me. I don't remember what I opened up to, but it said something to the effect of, "Forget the former things. Don't dwell on the past. See, I'm doing a new thing? Do you not perceive it?" It went on to talk about how He's making streams in the desert and causing life to burst forth there in the wilderness. Each time I opened my Bible, it was a different place, but it was saying the same thing, generally.
I read about people who had eyes to see, but were blind; who had ears to hear, but were deaf. Abba spoke to me and said, "They are not physically blind and deaf; but spiritually so. You are to lead them out of their bondage and into the Freedom I have for them. They are blind to see the chains on them. They are deaf to the lies being told to them. They don't know they have been taken captives. I will open their eyes and their ears, but I need you to help them find their way out." Abba continued to speak to me about the dry barren wasteland. "Yes, I have led you into the dry barren wasteland. I have led you into the Wilderness. But I have not left you with no provisions. I am causing streams to break forth. I am causing vegetation to bloom. The Wilderness you once knew will at once become a garden in which you can revel. You will walk with me in intimacy in the cool of the day, just as Adam and Eve did. I have not abandoned you to be eaten by wild animals. It is in the Wilderness that there is a highway being built: The Way of Holiness. It is only through the wilderness that you will find it. Your wilderness experience may be different from someone else's. But rest assured, the Wilderness is the place to be. I am doing a new thing. Forget the past. Don't grieve for what you think you have lost. I am not there. I am here with you now."
Sometimes I think it's neat how God answers me. I'm hoping that this dry barren wasteland will burst forth with life very soon. I'm praying for a companion to join me. Some days are lonelier than others. But there's no doubt that this wilderness is a very lonely place, despite the fact that there are thousands of us out here traveling. It's so vast, that we each can travel hundreds of miles in any direction and not bump into one another. I'm hoping we begin to find each other soon.
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