This time of year particularly gets to me. For several years I've wrestled over whether or not I celebrate Christmas. Today, the answer is: sorta. I have prayed about what God wants me to do and feel like God is okay with me celebrating the season. It's the season I love... the music, the food, the festivities, the decorations. But I despise the false Christianization of it. I choose not to celebrate it as the church celebrates it. I refuse to belittle my Savior by equating him with a pagan god. I choose not to celebrate the birth of Tammuz or Nimrod on December 25th. Instead, I celebrate the season. My parents and I buy gifts for one another at the beginning of the month and celebrate around the middle of the month. We have a "holiday" meal, but usually for New Year's Eve or some time other than Dec. 25th. But I also refuse to be religious in any way, shape or form about the matter. I will not entirely stand against the celebration of Christmas and be bound by religion in that manner, either. I enjoy my freedom to enjoy the season without putting religious bondage on myself.
I find that this time of year pulls on my heartstrings more. I start an intense search for like-minded believers and fellowship more this time of year than any other. I can't explain why other than loneliness. I guess when it comes right down to it, that's the core of my search. I'm lonely... not just for human affection... but I am lonely for spiritual affection. I look back on the days when I was in the IC and I remember the times of worship. Granted, for some it may not have been real. But for me, it was. I know that God honored my heart in that. He allowed me to feel His sweet Presence in spite of my religious bondage. I had a very close relationship with Him while I was under the IC. He held me close when i cried out to Him. I know that God uses people within the IC in spite of themselves. Many times He spoke to me prophetically. So even though I'm happy to be free of the IC, I do have some fond memories of how God moved in spite of Religion simply because I did not know any better. But I know better now, and He no longer appeases me when I search for Him in the IC. I realized when I was 17 or 18 that God had left the church. I desperately searched for Him within the church, but could not find Him. I was heart-broken. But that's what began my journey.
I'm in a place now where I am happy to be on this journey and to have freedom from Religion. But it's not easy. I'm at least finding others like myself, so that's good. I know that it was no accident that I stumbled across the ABCD ( www.bornagainchurchdropouts.org) and began to find out that I'm not alone. I at least have a connection to other believers who won't chastise me for my beliefs. But they also have balance and don't lean to the worldly side of things out of spite towards the IC. I am grateful for knowing that so many have walked such a similar path as I. That alone is a huge relief, to know that God brought me out of Egypt into the wilderness and is leading me into the Promised Land; that He didn't abandon me in the wilderness.
But still... there's a desperation that motivates me and frustrates me. I'm desperate for true companionship. I need intimacy in my life. This time of year reminds me that I don't have that. I don't have the intimacy with Yahweh that I desire. I don't have anyone in my life whom I can cuddle up to and pour my heart out to, share my life with. It's at times like this, when the hunger for intimacy drives me insane, that I become desperate to find whatever it is I'm looking for. Thank goodness Abba is protecting me, because through desperation I begin to lower my standards. I begin to compromise and convince myself I could accept someone with not-so-desirable traits. But in my heart of hearts, I know what Abba promised me. I get so frustrated being so limited. I don't know how it could possibly play out and so I try to make it happen myself. I don't see the possibility of anyone in my area believing like I do and being what I need. So I try to compromise and accept what I know I shouldn't.
It seems that this is such a lonely road, though I hear there are thousands just like me. Where are they?! How do I find them? When it comes to meeting someone for romantic interests, the choices are very limited. It feels as though my only 2 choices are meeting someone who is churched or meeting someone who is an unbeliever. Problem is, I'm not open to either choice. So I remain single and keep asking, "Abba, when? When will You fulfill Your promise?" But in these times, it's so easy to lose hope. I find myself questioning if He ever really made me that promise. I find myself believing that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I see babies and I cry because I want one so badly. I find myself wondering if I will ever get to have the family I long for.
This too shall pass.
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