But when I was about 18 years old, I was attending a church that I had been attending for 2 years. I deeply loved my pastor and one of his sons, who was my best, and sometimes my only friend. But suddenly, everything begin to change. Ministries were ripped out from underneath my family because of jealousy. Our hearts were devastated beyond repair. In that church, I had experienced a closeness with Yahweh through worship that I had never had before. And now all that was ripped away from me. I didn't know it, however.
I continued to seek out another church to heal my wounds. I was looking for the feelings I had in my former church. I missed the intimate worship. I missed the dancing. I missed how close I felt to Yahweh. I missed feeling His Presence in a strong way... I missed the anointing. But each church I went to didn't measure up. I believe I tried every non-denominational church in that particular region before declaring that the region was a dry barren wasteland, begging my parents to move away. We didn't leave the region, but moved to several different small towns in the region, but all at least 30 min away from the former church. But no matter where I went, the lies that were told about me and my family followed me. Even 5 years after we left, they were still talking about us. But that's another blog altogether....
When I was 21 years old, I began working as a DJ at a local radio station. This station was changing it's format to Christian, so they were excited to take me on and introduce them to "my" kind of music. I had always been slightly envious of those outside of the walls of the church, seemingly free to do whatever they wanted. But instead of expressing it, I had judged and criticized the very people I was secretly envious of. It wasn't until I began working at this particular station that I began to consider stepping outside of what the church deemed acceptable. The station I was working for also had a country station within the same office suite. Our studios were literally side by side with a glass window between us. I became friends with the main DJ for that station, having been abandoned by all the church friends I'd had in the past. She would DJ at the local bar on Wednesday nights, so I began to go with her. It was uncomfortable at first, but as I got to know the handful of people who were there, I realized they weren't the horrible people I had been taught they were. But again, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Suddenly, I began looking back at the church and realizing that something was wrong. I started noticing that the dynamics were changing. Gone were the days of a "normal" church setting. (look for more info in my future posting about aesthetics and religion). It was during this time that my mom saw Messianic Rabbi Michael J. Rood on tv. He was teaching about the pagan holidays and pagan roots of Christianity. Suddenly we began to have our eyes opened that we were taught wrong from the beginning of our walk with Yahweh. Did that mean any of it had not been real? Certainly not! It was very real! But within the walls of Religion, there are fallacies being taught that contradict the Word of Yahweh....
So my family and I began to research more about the pagan roots of Christianity and learned a great deal. We decided that Christianity had steered us wrong and we were getting answers from a Messianic, so we decided to try that route. That didn't work out for long. All the rules and regulations were just too much. I've never been one to accept being pushed around by legalism, and it just didn't set well with me. I felt more in bondage than when I was in the church, but I didn't know where else to turn. I began looking for others who believed like I did. SDA didn't appeal to my family, but we tried COG7 (Church of God 7th Day). We felt like we were sitting in a specific denomination that we had been taught to call "the frozen chosen". It was dull and lifeless and I couldn't take it anymore. We were shown that we were outsiders and not welcome because we were not born into the denomination. We decided to try searching again within the "non-denominational" denomination for a church, which we had come out of. We began attending another church, and i continued going through the motions, but still feeling like something was missing.
I was terribly grieved. The anointing was faint, if existent at all. I began to feel like something was wrong with me, that it wasn't the church after all. I would stand during worship and look around at those across the large auditorium with their hands raised, singing at the tops of their lungs. And all I could do is grieve. Why could they feel His Presence, but I couldn't? What was wrong with me? I sought out people who operated in the prophetic. At this point I decided I had been abandoned by Yahweh. They all spoke words of Love and Encouragement over me; but I couldn't understand how a God who loved me so much could leave me in the dry barren wasteland and hold me at arm's length. I couldn't understand how a God of Love could hold back His precious anointing from me.
I was incredibly dull and lifeless. I became extremely depressed; and the longer it went on, the more angry I became. I continued searching for churches, seeking healing and reprieve from the dry barren wasteland. I visited one church, which I refer to as the Porcupine church because they made it very clear I was not welcome there. I was shocked at the aesthetics of their service, which was only a glimpse of what modern-day churches have begun to use... more on that in a future blog. I attended another church for a while, but after not being able to feel anything anywhere, I gave up.
I was working in a Christian bookstore, and one day this customer came in and began talking to me about the book "The Shack". We agreed in how profound it was and how beautifully it portrayed Yahweh. This customer asked me if I had read, "So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore" by Jake Colsen. I hadn't heard of it, but the name of it alone triggered something inside me. I was not attending church and had not been for a few months. I later looked up the book and ordered it. After reading it, I was astounded that there was somewhere out there like me. Everything in the core of my being resounded, my spirit stirring within me. Everything I read rang true. I began telling others about this book, hoping I would find others as excited about it as I was. At the time, there was no one. I began seeking for others who believed like I did, finding out that there were others out there who were dissatisfied with the church life. But I found no one.
A time later, a friend... more of a big sister and mentor to me, and I sat down and talked about my dissatisfaction with religion. She understood and felt within her spirit that she was supposed to leave the church, but the timing wasn't right yet. I loaned her the book and it resounded with her as well. FINALLY! Someone who understands! To this day we still don't agree 100% on everything we believe, but we are united by our struggle against Religion. For the most part, we have walked very similar paths and there are only very small areas in which we don't agree. But the end has not yet come. ;)
Last January, fed up with Oklahoma and bored out of my mind, an opportunity presented itself for us to move to Chattanooga, TN. I was ecstatic for a new beginning. Maybe I would finally find others like myself! It was around this time my friend/mentor announced to me she was leaving the church and starting home church. It was also around this time that I discovered that a former classmate was more like me than I realized. I was a little peeved that all of a sudden, when I had made a decision to move away, two people emerged from the hidden places and revealed themselves as other "in-betweeners," which is the term I use to refer to those of us who fit neither in the church nor the world. We are "in-between" the two, in our own realm. Within a month, Yahweh revealed it was not His plan for us to move away. A month later we moved closer to OKC so I could work. It is only within the past couple of months that I've reached out to my former classmate.
It's so amazing to know that I'm not alone and there are others out there like myself. I know that there are some things that are unique to me, but for the most part we can unite in our "in-betweener" state. I'm still seeking fellowship with others, especially those in the OKC area. It's so comforting to have others who understand what I have gone through and what I'm going through now. I am subscribed to the "Lifestream Journey" Yahoo! Group, which has others who have read and agree with the book, "So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore." It's nice to read other accounts of in-betweeners, but I'm especially longing for fellowship right here in my own backyard, so to speak.
That's all for now.... but I have plans to write at least two more blogs that are on my heart in the very near future, possibly today.
A Former Slave to Religion
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