WOW. So God just showed me why I have been walking alone in the dry barren wasteland for the past 9 or so years. When we were so hurt by church, I let it devastate me. I trusted the people, or they wouldn't have hurt me. I continued relying on people to make me feel better. Instead of choosing to forgive them, I turned away from Yahweh. But I didn't even know I had done so. I kept relying on my Beloved to come along and make things better. After all, Yahweh had promised him to me. So where was he, anyhow?
Fastforward to present day. I just turned 27 years. I am still as single as I ever was. The past 9 or so years has been the roughest portion of my life. I have been miserable, lonely, and angry. I was angry that Yahweh allowed those people to hurt me. I was angry at Him for not fulfilling His promise to me. And I was angry because I was alone in the desert. I couldn't feel His presence, which added to the fire already boiling inside. I'd had it with Him. But I never said as much out loud. I cried, I screamed, I begged, I pleaded, I fought, and I grew more and more weary; as well as more and more angry. And in all of it, He was silent.
I didn't know why Yahweh would not allow me to feel His presence. I knew I was in what I called the dry barren wasteland. I knew the very minute I stepped foot into it that something had shifted and that my life had changed. But I didn't know why. Why was I in the wasteland? Why wouldn't He answer my begging and pleading? Why hadn't He done all He said He would do? All these questions went un-answered. Oh, I knew partially that it was my sin separating me from Him. But I was like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum, anything to get my Abba's attention. It didn't work. Sure, now and then He would speak prophetically to me and tell me He hadn't abandoned me; and He would cater to my hurt feelings when I was desperate and seeking answers. But I still had no answers and for the most part, He was silent. I didn't believe any longer that I was the apple of His eye. I didn't believe He truly loved me anymore. I believed all hope was lost. And I grew more and more bitter with every passing day.
So just now, I opened to Jeremiah 17:5-10 :This is what the LORD (btw, when you see this, that means YAHWEH) says: 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD (Yahweh). He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD (Yahweh), whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.' The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 'I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.' "
So because I trusted on men to make me feel better, God put me into the desert place until I understood that He was my life source and that everything else was a waste. He was teaching me not to depend on men to make me happy; not to rely on them for strength and comfort, but to rely solely on Him. For He is a jealous God.
I wonder how many others there are like me who have walked in the dry barren wasteland because of how Religion destroyed us? How many of the others know why?
Sincerely,
A Former Slave to Religion
No comments:
Post a Comment