I'm sitting in bed wrestling with my soul to go to sleep. I know I can't until i do what I need to do, but I really don't want to. Why does it come to this? I don't do what in my heart I really do want to do? Why do I avoid spending time alone with God? I deliberately find ways to avoid Him. How can this be?! He was the Love of my life for so long, and now I avoid him, just as I would a former love interest. I know this grieves Him. Then I complain and blame everything on Him. He's so jealous for me that he removes anything that stands in the path and blocks me from returning to Him. How could I ever run from such love?
I have been wrestling deep within me over my salvation. I got saved when I was 6 years old... long before I had a past. As good as that may sound to someone on the 'outside' and those who are religious, i think it's awful. Let me explain. I grew up knowing Jesus as my best friend. Yes, that's wonderful. But here's the part that sucks... because I knew Him at such a young age, I took Him for granted. I have had a scripture running over and over in my mind for months now... he who is much will love much... something to that effect. It hit me when i read that, that the reason I love so little is because I don't feel I've been forgiven much. I don't have a history like those who did not grow up outside of the church. Instead, I grew up religious and pious, thinking I'm okay and everyone else is broken. I thought that because I grew up as the "good little christian girl" that I didn't have much that needed to be forgiven. A cuss word slips every now and then. Big deal. But after I spent time with those who have not grown up in the church, a new realization hit me. They are the ones who are blessed. They know what they were before Jesus. They aren't deceived into thinking they are okay. I realized that I do have much I need to be forgiven for. I haven't slept around, done drugs, practiced witchcraft, or any of 'those types' of things. However, i've been critical, harsh, judgmental, angry, bitter, proud, resentful, religious, pious... the list goes on.
As I mentioned, I've been thinking a lot about salvation. My pride tells me, 'oh you have nothing to worry about. You've lived for God all your life.' I've heard two instances in the past month of individuals who had lived the 'christian life' for many years, then one day truly got saved. The other day in counseling I was asked if I really know Jesus. At first my pride wanted to say, "well of course! I've been a christian my whole life!" But the truth is what came out of my mouth. To be honest, I don't. I don't know His character. It's been distorted for a while in my mind. I got comfortable with the notion of God, but I began to ignore Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I would pray to the Father, but never cultivated a relationship with my Savior. Isn't that what Christianity is all about? Relationship... it's a romance with Jesus. If we have no romance with Jesus... no relationship, how can we call ourselves Christians?
As I write this, tears stream down my face. I want to know Jesus, not just about Him. I mean KNOW Him, in an intimate sense as a bride knows her groom. I don't want to be deceived anymore. My pride is telling me not to write the next line, but I'm going to anyway. Tonight I truly asked Jesus into my heart. I'm scared of starting over, getting back to the basics. The other day in counseling I was asked to pray OUT LOUD in tongues. It bothered me a great deal. It embarrassed me. I didn't want to do it and if I could've backed out of it I would've. They made me do it and I was not happy about it. I felt a wall go up and a defiance wash over me, balking at the thought of having to do it. That shouldn't be the case. I didn't realize that asking for healing would bring me back to the very beginning of it all. I hate starting over. It's degrading to me to admit that i've lived my life for the past 8 years for Holley. Sure, before that I lived for God. He had great grace and mercy for me and put up with my moments of self. But as I grew older, I became more and more focused on my SELF.
I was laying here trying to go to sleep and I began, rather reluctantly, to pray. The word "deception" came to mind and I realized that I've been deceiving myself for so long; not just myself but everyone around me. I have been saying that I love God... but when a song saying, "No sweeter Name than the Name of Jesus" or "Jesus I love You" starts to play, I've noticed I won't sing it. I began to ask myself why. It's because I know that's not true deep within me. I WANT to love Him, but the truth is I don't. He said Himself, "if you love me, keep my commandments." and what commandments are those? "Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, and mind" and "Love your neighbor as yourself." Wow. pretty hard stuff for me. I can't say I've kept either of those. I am not a loving person. I pretend to be, but the truth of the matter is my focus is on myself. What can I get out of this? What about me? To be honest, God has been so very patient with me. When I've gone to any service where there's prophetic words going out, I am not sitting there praising God and worshipping and thanking Him for what He's doing for others. That's what I SHOULD be doing, but what am I doing? I'm sitting there begging God, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" Seriously... He's been gracious enough to me to speak to me even when I'm being so selfish. Probably because His desire for me is so strong. He knows that if He didn't speak to me when I'm begging Him that I would become angry with Him and become more bitter. How's that for trying to control things? As I've begun this counseling, my focus has been about feeling God's presence again. Why? Because it makes me feel good. I've never taken the time to dissect it. I remember what it FELT like and I miss that. I remember feeling the anointing and how good it felt. That's what I've been pursuing. And I catch myself thinking or saying, "I'll be glad when I'm healed so I can finally meet my Beloved." Once again, self-centered. Sure, i know that when I get better that i'll be effective in ministry. But has that been on my mind much? Not really. I have found that I don't really trust God. To be honest, at this point I shouldn't trust Him. Seriously, how can you trust Someone you don't know? Ouch, hard stuff.
I've pointed fingers for as long as I can remember. "How dare they call themselves Christians?" I would say. At the age of 12 God told me prophetically to have mercy on His ppl. WOW. How many 12 year olds do you know that are that critical and harsh that God would have to speak such a strong word of correction? You would think I would've gotten the message. I keep thinking about a particular person that was in my life that spoke very harshly concerning me and I became offended because they basically questioned my salvation. I was so angry that they would accuse me of not being a real Christian. They said, "Not everyone who cries out Lord, Lord will enter the Kingdom of Heaven." I was so offended by that. How dare they say such a thing to me?! But now... I wish I would've listened and heeded the warning then. God has given me so many chances to heed the warning... and still I remain unchanged. I want to change. I don't want to be hard-hearted anymore. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want to truly KNOW Yeshua (Jesus). I want to experience that Divine Romance. I want my motives to be pure for once, not worrying about what's in it for me, what i can gain. I want to truly be set-apart.
For me, the veil that was torn tonight was deceit. Remember what happened when the veil was torn from the temple? Access to the very presence of God was made possible. Maybe this is the point I needed to reach. I never ever thought I would come to this exact point in my life. I thought the beginning was behind me. Maybe I don't have a past that we church people look down on as "bad," but I do have a past. I would say mine is worse because all along I was walking in piety and deceit. At least those who came from the world recognized the sin in their lives and were able to renounce it. I think I understand a little bit better, "Oh, woe is me! For I am a man of unclean lips." I've known for a while that I was defiled, but I never truly understood what it was. I hope I can keep a repentant posture beyond this moment.
Thanks to those who have shared their stories in the past month that have made this a little bit less humiliating and have pushed me in the right direction. Sometimes you never know the impact you've made on a life.
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