I've always heard that you reap what you sow and it never really hit me until tonight that i've sown some pretty bad things. Hatred, Malice, Abandonment, Rejection, Offense, just to name a few. I faced some of that tonight as I realized that I have sown negatively in others' lives, hurt people very badly. And I wonder why I'm ignored by those I look up to... I wonder why all these negative things happen to me. I've done it to myself. Then it becomes a vicious cycle because I'm reaping what I've sown by someone else sowing into my life. Then when I become repentant, there's a dangerous line there between feeling remorse and condemnation. So we carry the weight around, not only the unforgiveness of the other person toward us, but our unforgiveness toward them and also toward ourselves. So we wall ourselves in, brick by brick we build our own prison. Ironic, that's the drama we were working on... My Own Prison. Yes, I know this doesn't make sense. It doesn't need to because I'm honestly just venting what's on my heart. I doubt anyone reads these things anyway.
I'm riding that fine line between remorse and condemnation. it would be really easy right now to listen to the voices that are telling me that I'm no good and that i've destroyed everyone i've come in contact with. It would be really easy to accept the lies as truths. I'm fighting to not do that. Because with condemnation comes self pity. It would be really easy to sit here feeling sorry for myself about how awful i've been but not do anything to make a change. I keep thinking about Crazy Love and how it paints a picture of a Lukewarm Christian, mostly that the lukewarm christian is without love. I want to love. I want to make a positive impact on ppl's life, not leave a trail of damaged aftermath. I want to be a blessing not a curse. I've got to put an end to this vicious cycle. God help me sow good and not evil.
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