Where Do I Fit In? (July 15, 2009)

I have been a Christian all of my life. Before I was conceived, God told my mom that he was giving me to her to raise, but that I was HIS. When I was born I died 3 times. There was always something "different" about me. When I was 3 years old I was laying hands on the sick and injured and seeing healing and miracles. I laid hands on my injured rabbit and watched as his leg miraculously recover. I laid hands on my mom's forehead after we were in an accident when I was four and watched a knot disappear. At four years of age I saw Jesus Himself when we were in a wreck just outside of Prague, OK. I started doing spiritual warfare over my broken tape player, telling the devil that I was "rolling him up like a basketball and tossing him out" and then sat down in the floor to listen to my Pat Boone tapes on my once-broken cassette player. Nothing was impossible to me. When I was 6 years old I was saved, baptized, and filled with the Holy Spirit with evidence of speaking in tongues. I approached my teacher, who was not a tongue-speaking believer, and asked her if she was filled with the holy spirit. As I recall, I laid hands on her and she began speaking in tongues. She had to do it "in the closet" though because it was not an accepted practice. When other kids were playing obliviously on the playground, I was laying hands on other kids and leading them to salvation. I have seen angels and demons. When I was 9 years old an angel came to me at school and gave me the scripture Acts 26:16,17, and 18. I knew that I was called to preach and I began fervently praying every night, "God when?" Two years later I was at a minister's conference in Gilchrist, TX and telling my 'testimony' about being called to preach, seeing Jesus and the angels, etc. The man that was leading the conference asked me to share this with the whole group of ministers, as he too was called to preach at an early age. After I spoke to the group, an apostle and prophet stood up and said simultaneously that God told them to ordain me. I preached in that church occasionally until we returned to OK. When I was in 8th grade my history class was doing a project on the Bill of Rights and my group was assigned the Right to Free Speech and religion. I took control of the group, as no one else really wanted to do the project, and I set up a mini-"drama" in which I preached and then was taken away in handcuffs. What is amazing is that word got around the school that I was preaching at school. In that tiny auditorium in High Island, TX, there was standing room only as I proclaimed the gospel. Later I was approached by many who wanted to know more about this God I served. Upon returning to Oklahoma in 2000, I became passionate about Revival. At school I was nicknamed "Thumper" short for Bible-Thumper. Another nickname that has followed me through the years has been "Holy Holley". I remember at 16 years old staying awake all hours of the night crying out for Revival. 

But there's another side to this story. What I haven't told you is how I have been rejected... yes by the world, but sadly, by the church as well. I have been deemed "peculiar" by the church. I remember crying more than smiling because I couldn't understand why I never fit in with the other kids. I reached out to the adults, who seemed to embrace me a tad bit better. But as I became a teenager, the adults too began to come against me. I never fit in anywhere. After being ostracized from a church when I was 18, I began to feel unwanted and out of sorts. But still, I pressed on naively searching for fellowship. Surely someone would want me. But I searched to no avail. After being rejected by "God's People" for so long, I began to search out the world to see if they would accept me. When I was 21 I began hanging out in a bar on Wednesday nights. I wasn't doing anything "bad" just looking for friendship. I was accepted there, much to my surprise. But I still knew in my heart that's not where I belonged. After being shunned by the Non-Denoms for so many years I began to search out other avenues. I came across the Messianics and began to learn about the Hebrew culture. The religion was not for me, but I met my best friend and I learned about Hebrew Culture and fell in love with it. The problem is, my best friend is a long-distance friend... we've only seen each other face to face twice, and that was after 3 years of knowing each other. When i didn't fit in with the Messianics, i sought out the Church of God 7th Day. Nope, didn't fit there either. So I decided to give the Non-Denoms one more chance. I began attending a church, but once again seemed invisible. There were very few close to my age, and those that were did not make any attempts to reach out to me. I had to seek them out and still was not accepted when I did. I was "different" and didn't fit into their world. I began working with the youth and enjoyed their company. But I was empty and couldn't pour into their lives any longer. My heart and soul were barren... no healing in sight, no food for my starving heart. I was not getting what I needed to be nourished, so I left the church. I was deeply grieved when i left the church so I sought out someone that I thought could help me. For a short time that sufficed. One individual was shown my calling and reached out to take me under his wing. But soon I was forgotten, and then abandoned when I did not remain at the church he prescribed for me. I didn't feel like that was where God wanted me to be. So I was deemed disobedient and even told that I wasn't worth this individual's time, or anyone else's for that matter. I sank back into bitterness toward the church. How could "God's People" be so indifferent to someone? I didn't understand why no one wanted me. 

I took all the beating I could stand and needed a break. I took off to Arkansas to visit my friend with one purpose... to get away from the "good little christian girl" reputation, if only for a week. I had a great time but still God oozed from me and was recognized in me. I couldn't get away from who He called me to be, but I sure tried. I dated a guy, who by the way was not a Believer, for several weeks. He told me that he could see good in me, that he saw an inner beauty that most women don't possess. Finally, someone sees me! But of course, that was not meant to be and I cut my ties with him shortly after Valentine's Day. I have had many non-believers say to me that they see good in me, that i have a beautiful heart, that I have a heart of gold... i have many unbelieving males drawn to me, telling me these things and desperately trying to get my attention. I'm careful not to give them the attention they desire, but it's hard when someone finally sees something "good" in me. 

So what does that have to do with today? I'll tell you. I have had a hunger, a gnawing desire for fellowship for a long time now. I started reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge and felt God tugging at my heart about Fellowship... about community. So I reached out to the only people I feel drawn to... the ones I admire and want to become more like them. You know what happened? Nothing. How am I supposed to be obedient to a command to fellowship when no one wants anything to do with me? I long for fellowship... I crave companionship with like-minded believers. But when I reach out, I am told, either by words or by lack of them, that I am not deemed worthy. I am not important enough to respond to. How am I supposed to not get angry at a God who commands me to fellowship then does not provide that fellowship? When I try to reach out for someone to train me, to love me, to be a friend... i see nothing but their backs. Agendas... I hate agendas. Everyone is so busy with their ministries that they don't have time for ministry. Make sense? No, probably not. But it does to me. "No, I don't have time for you right now I have to pray for the lost souls in Africa" but... but... what about those hurting next to you? What about those who are walking on that fine line between life and death? You don't REALLY know me. You don't know that I've contemplated suicide many times but the only thing that stopped me was the fear that I'd go to hell. Why did I contemplate suicide? You guessed it... I felt unwanted. Am I suicidal now? No. I'm angry. But how could you possibly know that when you don't make time to find out what's in my heart? 

This morning I woke up with a burning anger. I'm doing my best not to turn that anger on God. I keep thinking, "God, are you showing them something about me that is bad so that they don't want to be around me?" I have wanted to ask these individuals so many times what it is they see about me that repulses them so. But even as brazen as I am, I can't seem to do it. If you've ever read captivating, you know that every woman's question is, "Am I lovely? Am I captivating? Am I worth it?" and when I ask these questions I hear a resounding "NO" from those who call themselves Christ-like. Oh sure, they say "I love you" but talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words, and so does silence. How can you love someone that you don't know? How can you say you love me but not want to spend any time around me? Then you tell me that, well, God loves you. Really? How am I supposed to believe it... "If we are the Body, then why aren't His hands reaching..." 

I came to a stark realization yesterday that I am what you would call a "lukewarm" christian. It made me sick. When I read Paul's words, if I have faith to move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. Ouch. I am nothing. There it is again... I'm nothing. Funny, I've tried to love but my love is scorned. So I put up a guard so that I can't be hurt again and I become one of the coldest human beings on the planet. The famous "love chapter" says that love is not rude... ouch. It says that love is not irritable or self-serving. Ouch. I am the opposite of love. I want to love... God do I want to love! Desperately! In some ways it pushes me to want to be better. But then there's this voice that says, "what's the point?" Yes, yes, I know... all you church people are telling me not to listen to the voice of the Enemy, etc etc. I know this. Remember, I was raised in church. I know the Christian lingo. I know all the "right" answers. But what about REAL answers???? Let's talk about why no one wants anything to do with christianity. Maybe it's because there's a lack of love in the church? Outsiders look in and they see an army that has turned on itself and is slayiing its own... a bunch of chickens pecking each other to death. Would YOU want to be a part of a "family" like that? No, me either. I think we take each other for granted. "Oh, she's strong enough. She'll survive." How do you know that? No, I won't survive. I'm malnourished. I'm starved for affection. I'm hungry for fellowship. I'm lost in this dry barren wasteland and all I want is a sip of water. What sucks is that I see people walking by me with full cantines and they scoff at me. "she's strong enough, she has God's favor on her, she'll survive." Not if you keep trying to kill me, I won't! Unless you are the two people that I've REALLY shared my heart with, you don't know me. You don't know how close I've come to throwing in the towel and saying, "Forget it." 

Why am I writing this? Am I trying to put someone on a guilt trip? No. Honestly i'd be surprised if anyone reads this. I'm writing for one think to vent because i'm angry and i'm hurt and what I really want to do right now is run away from everything. But I'm also writing because, if by chance someone does read this, you need to know that you DON'T KNOW what that other person is going through. When you walk by them and ignore them... when you don't answer their cries for help... you just may be condemning their souls to hell. Listen... listen to the cries for help. It could be life or death. Do you want their blood on your hands? No, me either. 

God soften my heart so that I too will stop ignoring the cries for help. Cause me to love you and love others as much as myself. Open my eyes to the needs around me. Cause me to be a reflection of love. Help me to never be too busy to reach out to someone who's hurting. Help me to always remember that someone's eternity could be resting in my hands. Oh God, wash away the blood that stains my hands already. Forgive me for my calloused, hard heart. Remove this heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Remove from me any unclean thing. Take the coal, cleanse my lips, here I am. I am yours, Oh God, to do with whatever You please. Help me to remember that this life is not about me, that i am merely an extra in this movie that is all about You. Help me to remember that everything I do is for Your glory. Let me feel Your arms around me. Jesus, heal my shattered heart. It feels like it's beyond repair and hopeless, but I know that nothing is impossible for You. And Lord, please send me some companions... men and women after Your Own Heart that can be Your Hands and Feet to minister healing back into my malnourished heart. God I need You and as much as I hate to admit it, I need Your people too. Please God, I'm crying out for help. Please send someone to put salve on these wounds. God I need Your strength. I need Your healing. I need Your Love. God I don't feel Your Love. I feel unwanted and abandoned by You because Your people have abandoned me and proven I'm unwanted. Lord we are supposed to be Your reflection... help me not to treat others the way I've been treated. Help me to love with Your everlasting love. Open the eyes of your bride so that she will reach out to the hurting within her own body. Lord forgive us for turning so many away. Forgive us for killing our own. We are spiritual felons, all of us, guilty of the murder of souls. God help us to stop fighting each other, to stop ignoring one another. Teach us to love and to be loved. Yes God, teach us how to be loved when the concept is so foreign to us. God heal our hearts. We are broken and messed up. Help us. Give us Your Heart. Cause us to truly repent, to turn back from our ways and to truly seek Your heart. God teach me to love and help me not to be bitter. Remove the root of bitterness that has taken hold of my heart. Forgive me for questioning Your Love for me based on man's lack of love. Forgive me for condemning the very thing that I am guilty of. God pierce our hearts... break our hearts with the things that break Yours. Thank you for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for Your Love though I can't yet feel it. Thank you for the ones You are bringing to me to minister healing to their broken hearts. God use me as Your hands to minister healing and awaken my eyes to see when I've become a dagger bent on murder. Lord I repent of my lack of love. I repent of my anger, no matter how justified I am in being angry. Let Your peace reign in my heart. Remind me that your Grace has covered me and help me not to be overwhelmed by condemnation. God set me free. My heart has been taken captive and I need You to come rescue me. There is no other. There is no one like You. No one but You is worthy of my adoration. I give You all I am, though I'm broken and tattered and torn. Turn my ashes into beauty for the glory of Your Name.