Building the Future On the Past (July 26, 2009)

So for the first time in a year I allowed myself to be around teens. These were some really great kids to be around and I had a blast. But looking at these teens all I could think about were the ones I left behind. God I miss those kids. What's sad is they have no idea how much I love them, even to this day. My heart aches for them and not a day goes by that I don't think about them and wish things had been different. It took me a while to stop grieving and now i'm looking back at the scar that remains. 

In some ways I wish I had never loved them so deeply to be so hurt by matters of circumstance. I would love to make them understand what happened, but anymore I don't even know. I know I made mistakes. I know false accusations were made. And I know everyone got hurt. I never ever want to go through that kind of pain again or put anyone through it again. 

It's funny, as I was driving to the fellowship of teens tonight I contemplated stopping by to say hi to my old crew... but there are still some apologies left unspoken. There are still some things that won't be forgiven... no matter how often i asked for forgiveness. People have made up their minds about me and will stick to their opinions of me. It grieves me that I can't go back. I wish with everything in me that I could go spend one service with them... just one. That for just a moment we could recapture the way things used to be. but I would be naive to believe such a thing possible. 

Now all I can do is look to the future. "forgetting what is behind me, i press on toward the mark." Well, not entirely forgetting what is behind me. For as long as I live I will never forget this special handful of teens. I'll never stop missing them or loving them. I wish they knew how much they impacted me. i wish they could feel the love I have for them. but words cannot express what i feel. Nor would they believe me. :( 

So as to end on a positive note, here's to the future and all the wonderful kids I'll meet. I hope they're half as amazing as the ones I left behind. Those are some pretty amazing teens with awesome futures ahead of them if they'll stay close to God. ;)