WOW. So day before yesterday I woke up in a REALLY bad mood. Then mom said she hoped I wouldn't give up on God. That started me thinking. I was at that point. I've come to a dead end and just wanted to give up. Mom felt like God was telling her that I was angry with Him that He didn't fulfill His promise to me about my Beloved. Maybe that's true. In fact, seeing as how that's what I whine about most, I would say that's dead on. Anyway, He (through my mom) reminded me of a prophecy from about 2 years ago. I was so excited because I was told, "you've waited long enough." I really thought that everything was going to change, that I'd finally have my Beloved. After all, there are only 2 things I've been waiting for... restoration and my Beloved. I interpreted it to mean the latter.... but I interpreted wrong. Somehow I suppose I forgot the former was something else I was waiting on. When 2008, then 2009 came and went, I became angry that I was still alone; bitter that God blessed everyone around me with the one thing I wanted most.
I don't know what spurred it, but while I was watching House tonight... at some point I remembered that I wrote that prophecy down. Ironically the notebook I wrote it in just happened to be on the bed next to me. I opened the notebook (reserved only for spiritual matters, notes, etc) and began reading the first page (dated Oct. 4, 2007)
"It is when we are in the valley, where we prove whether we will be the choice ones, that most of us turn back... We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to have the vision 'battr'd to shaped and use' by God? The batterings always come in commonplace ways and through commonplace people. There are times when we do know what God's purpose is; whether we will let the vision be turned into actual character depends on us, not upon God. If we prefer to loll on the mount and live in the memory of the vision, we will be of no use actually in the ordinary stuff of which human life is made up... (God) must dominate... No human being knows human being as God does." --Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
About three pages later, I find the prophecy written from memory later the night that the prophecy was given. I know I didn't remember every single thing. But I wrote down the parts I did remember. January 5, 2008 God spoke through Michelle Pace, who at the time knew very little of me, to me during a very rough time in my life. I was angry and hurting, but went to the Burn hoping God would meet me in a powerful way and minister to me. He did. He spoke through Michelle the most powerful words I have heard in a long time, before and since. He began by saying to me, "You are not alone." That alone made me bawl like a baby. He said He was giving me a new strength like I've never known before. He said i would experience a new passion and intimacy with Him like I've never known before. He said, "I am going to turn you inside out and remind you of deep, hidden things." At the time, I didn't really realize what He was saying. If I would've know that it was going to be a painful process, I wouldn't have been so eager to accept it. But here I am, nearly 2 years later and I'm reading those words with my jaw nearly scraping the floor. How did I forget that? That's exactly what is being done to me... I'm being turned inside out. Every ugly thing in me is being exposed. I thought then that being turned inside out and being reminded of "deep, hidden things" meant that the softness that is truly in my heart would come to the surface (with no action on my part, i must add) and that the 'deep, hidden things' were talents, good things... Now I see it so differently. Yes, the softness in my heart is what God wants to bring to the outside. But I wasn't aware of the pain of being turned inside out, having everything exposed, being vulnerable for everyone to pick at my vital organs. I wasn't aware that the 'deep, hidden things" He was going to reveal were painful things that I've long left buried. Damage done to my heart that I never dealt with. Now I see it all so clearly. The prophecy also said, 'this is a year of new beginnings.' I thought I would be turning over a new leaf and everything was suddenly going to change for me for the better. WRONG! At that point I headed into this rabbit hole, and i keep going deeper and deeper. The walls are closing in around me and it's getting darker and darker. It's a new beginning alright, but not the kind I would've chosen. It was the beginning of this painful healing process. Now I think I understand a little bit better.
I'm not inside out yet. I've been fighting the process. It hurts to be cut into for surgery. It hurts to heal. Some people just after surgery wish they could just die to end the pain. But in the long run, once the scars have healed and the damage is repaired, they are happy to have done it. They wouldn't trade their new chance at life for the world. I'm not to that point yet.
Lately I've felt like giving up... giving up on God and on life. When it comes right down to it, it's not God I lack faith in... it's me. I don't have a problem believing God can heal me. I have a problem believing I can change. You see, I'm not a disciplined person. If I get bored with something or just don't like it, I give up on it. I've never stuck with anything. Sure, i have good intentions and may go a few months on the right track with something... but somewhere along the line I get off track and never get back on until I'm way off track. Then I may attempt again to make the necessary change. It's always the same... I always go back to the way I was before. It's overwhelming to me to think of taking the necessary steps to change. I can't see it. I know that God is a gentleman and that He won't force us to do something. He can't just change me without me putting forth the effort to change. I just worry that I won't... I don't have much faith in myself. Thinking about such an overwhelming feat makes me feel defeated already. Then I give up hope of ever being the person I'm truly meant to be. That's where I've been lately.
Tonight, I don't feel like giving up. Will that change tomorrow? I hope not but knowing me it's highly possible. Tonight I have hope that God knew two years ago that I would be struggling just as I am right now; that He would shake my world and turn it upside down, thus turning me inside out. So if 2 years ago, He knew and told me what He was going to do, then that gives me hope that He's not as far away as I thought. And maybe He's not angry with me like I've believed, for being such an awful bride. Lately my relationship with God has felt more like an arranged marriage than one created out of relationship and intimacy. I wonder how many other Christians feel that way? I don't want it to be that way. I want to desire a relationship with Him again... not just go through the motions and pretend to want something that i don't feel. I want everything to be as good as it was with God as when I was in high school, if not better. I want to love God again. I guess somewhere deep inside me I must or I wouldn't be struggling.
I keep thinking about gold in the fire... the dross coming to the surface. There's a lot of dross coming to the surface and it's not a pretty sight to behold. There's a sifting going on and it's quite painful. I hope it's over soon. I wish i could just surrender to it and cooperate and stop fighting it so hard. I guess we'll find out.
Michelle, if you're reading this, thank you for pouring into my life and being obedient to the Holy Spirit. I would venture to guess that your obedience has saved my life... literally. Thank you!
No comments:
Post a Comment