Maybe that's not the completely most appropriate title for what I'm about to write. But it's pretty close to how I feel.
I'm quite frustrated with trying to figure out who I am. I talk a lot about finding out who you are, seeing yourself the way God sees you, etc. But I'm just going to be real and lay it all out on the line.
For a while now I've been trying to bring two very contradictory sides together, rather unsuccessfully. I have one side that is the 'good little christian girl'; she is who everyone knew up until about 5 years ago. She still comes around in company that is similar to her; but she's quite bored and lost her feeling. She is frustrated with God but won't show it because it's not the 'proper' thing to do. She knows she is supposed to worship God and let Him be her everything. So she goes through the motions but feels absolutely nothing. She's terrified that she will never love God again to the powerful extent she has in the past. But she sits on this information fr themost part and amongst Christians, presents herself as a like-minded believer.
The other side is the wild child. She is frustrated and rebellious. She is sick of living by the 'rules' and hates religion. She just wants to be free to express herself. She is in complete contradiction to the good little christian girl. She has a very boisterous attitude. She is sassy and wants to have fun. She is blunt and direct and lets words fall out of her mouth without caring too much who she offends. She is a bit of a clown and enjoys making comments that make others laugh. She doesn't know how to come to terms with the good little christian girl because she doesn't have a problem with perverse jokes and language. She is desensitized to the code of holiness. She wants to please God but because she's numb, she does her own thing.
There is a constant battle within me. I honestly never know who I will be from one moment to the next. One moment I can be completely excited about God and hopeful of making necessary changes to move forward. I can be completely excited about ministry and ready to be 100% devoted to God. But the moment stop reading books or I feel let down by God, I grow cold. I have this ongoing thought that one cannot love God without an encounter with Him... it must be an ongoing wooing. But I don't feel that. I don't feel like God is doing anything to draw me. He says to draw near to Him and He'll draw near. But when I do my part, He fails me. I'm sorry but that's just how I feel. I've been battling for 8 years with feeling abandoned by God. It's one thing to get a prophecy, word of encouragement, etc. But it's another thing to feel the presence of God. That's the biggest problem I have. I have begged and pleaded with God to let me feel His presence again. And still, nothing.
Over time I have become disgusted with religion. I hate tradition. And as offensive as this may come off, this is how I feel. I can't stand some of the Christian jargon out there. I'm not going to be specific but there are certain words that absolutely make my skin crawl. I cringe when I hear those words and do my best not to roll my eyes. I am disenchanted with religion. I'm disenchanted with churchy stuff. However, in my heart, I still want God. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't share my heart for God. Therefore, I don't have a choice but to be in the churchy situations. I want to connect and I go looking for companionship... I go looking for change. I am hoping that one day God will show up and fix whatever is broken inside me that keeps me from feeling His Presence.
I've let go of a lot of my prior judgments, of my critical bitterness towards ppl who have hurt me. But my attitude is still there. I'm still a critic. i'm still a bit rebellious and hurt. I'm upset with God when it all comes down to it. At one point my anger was because He has blessed everyone else with a spouse but me. But now, I don't even care about that. That's what scares me. I have lost my desire for my God and for my Beloved. I have settled into being content to be alone.
So, for those of you who happen to read this and have noticed a difference in how I act in one place and what I say in another, now you know why. Go ahead and call me a hypocrite. Go ahead and judge me. I really don't care. Well, maybe I do or I wouldn't be writing this. This has been really bothering me because I know what's in my heart. But I also know that with this dichotomy, I'm not able to step into my role in ministry. I've been absolutely frightened for the past few weeks because ministry is calling and I'm not in a place to answer. It's terrifying and discouraging. I'm reluctant to put myself out there to be a role model when I don't have things in order in my own life. I want to be a proper role model. But without having that relationship with God that I want... it just can't happen. I feel stuck in a rut. Maybe this explains more indepth what I mean when I say, "I feel like giving up." I fear people that know the good little christian girl even knowing about her evil twin. However the evil twin seems to be who I am most of the time. I hate it. I really do. But I can't seem to find balance. And it all goes back to having a life-changing encounter with God. I haven't encountered God in so long that it's impossible for me to change because I can't do it on my own. This is as naked as I get. This is the most honest I can be. Here I am, like it or not. At least try to understand my struggle.
No comments:
Post a Comment