I don't really have much of a point in writing this. Just some observations in my life.
It's funny how you can be angry about something and not even know you're angry. Does that make any sense? Back in October I was recently engaged and about to rush into marriage. My then-fiance' hurt me very badly by going on a meth benge, almost killing himself, and of course I know that drugs and sex seem to go hand in hand. I knew it wasn't God's will for me to be with him but I was just in such a hurry to get married. Had he not run off, we would've been married the next weekend. Funny how things played out. He came home after his weekend benge. I had prayed for him to come home, at least so he would be safe and get back into church. I was glad he was home but I was so devastated. When he came home, he called me and apologized. I broke up with him. I told him, "I forgive you, but i can't put myself through this again. I don't trust you and I can't be around you." For weeks I cried and grieved for him. I did forgive him. I didn't hate him for hurting me. I was angry with God, not with him. Okay, maybe i was a little angry with him. But I blamed God and myself. I felt like it was my fault that he left because I was causing him stress, etc. I felt like God took him away from me to keep me from marrying him, which I knew was for my best but I was still angry.
five months have by and not a single day went by that he wasn't on my mind. Over a month went by before I stopped grieving so deeply. It was only after 3 months that I stopped feeling sick and having a panic attack at the thought of running into him somewhere (or someone who knew him). Life started getting back to normal about a month ago. But I noticed something deep inside me had shifted. Something deep inside me was broken beyond repair.
Once upon a time, my heart's greatest desires were easy to pinpoint. First and foremost I wanted to be completely sold out to God. But there was a battle in my heart between God and my Beloved. I was obsessed with the one God promised me. I wanted him more than anything. But since October, that has changed. My Beloved is no longer an idol to me, vying for first place in my heart. I just stopped feeling. I lost interest in the male species and romance altogether. But apparently my anger at God still seethed beneath the surface. Of course, this anger goes much deeper than over that one situation. There has been a deep rift building for some time, starting as frustration and growing slowly over time. I didn't even realize I was still angry about my ex-fiance'. Then over the weekend he called me. It was ironic because he had been on my mind more than usual and my heart was grieving for him again. That was my first inkling that something was shifting again. But when he called me, a great sense of relief and peace came over me. I remember when I hung up the phone, thanking God for him calling me. Suddenly, my defenses were down. The anger was gone. I felt vulnerable, and of course that doesn't feel good. So I've been sensitive for a few days. But I feel another shifting, subtle and deep. Something tells me I'm about to get my joy back. Now there is nothing left to keep me from pursuing God except for my SELF.
Today I had a goal. My goal was simply to get through the day without cussing. I did pretty good until this evening after class when my mom told me something that made me mad (on her behalf). I think I've only slipped twice today. I think if I can get that under control, maybe I can slowly start making my way back towards the girl I used to be. Funny... for so long I tried to run from the 'good little christian girl' reputation. Now, that's what I want to be again. Funny how life brings you full circle...
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