The past few days I've been writing a lot about beauty and self-esteem, knowing your self-worth. The reason this topic is so important to me is because it's something I battle with every day. Sometimes it's worse than others. Today is one of those days.
For as long as I can remember I've been the outcast, underdog, loser, oddball, and whatever other name you can fit into this category. I have always been on the outside looking in. I used to think that if I were prettier then the boys would notice me. If my boobs were bigger, if my thighs were smaller, if i didn't have freckles... In high school I was such a suck-up. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to fit in. I would do everyone's homework for them or let them copy off of me, oftentimes neglecting my own work. I constantly worried about what people were saying about me. I spent more days crying than anything else. I would sit in total panic in my classroom while those around me whispered, all the while I was paranoid and coming up with ideas of what they were saying about me.
I became obsessive over my friends, my boyfriends, everyone in my life. I couldn't stand the idea of anyone being mad at me and I would literally worry myself sick over it. I spent hours analyzing every facial expression, every inflection of voice, every possible meaning of every word. I always dug deeper looking for hidden meaning. I apologized incessantly, worried that I would lose someone in my life.
I wish I could say it ended when I graduated high school. But it didn't. I was very glad to be out of high school because to me that meant my battle was over and I had survived. Sadly, that wasn't the case. Everywhere I have worked since high school I have had problems with people. I become paranoid, thinking they're out to get me. Every whisper, every little thing that goes wrong, I see it as an attack. I've held 2 jobs for a year, but every other job i have worked has only lasted about 3 or 4 months. I become overwhelmed and feel unwanted. So I quit. To this day I am terrified of the idea of having to go back into the workforce. I get stomach ulcers from stress just thinking about going back into the big bad world of work.
When I was 20, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I lived in constant fear, constant stress, constant worry. I was put on medications and it seemed to help for a while. Then after a few months the meds didn't work any longer. I was about to lose my mind with the constant ups and downs of my emotions. I would become frantic and paranoid and even fearful for my life. I was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Again, I was put on meds. But slowly, I began to lose pieces of myself. Suddenly I felt like a zombie. I no longer had good days. I no longer felt any kind of happiness or excitement. I became increasingly depressed and even stopped caring for myself. I took myself off the meds after about 2 years of feeling like a zombie. I figured I was depressed on the meds and still having anxiety attacks, so I may as well just learn to cope without the meds and at least get my good days back.
I've been off my meds for about 3 years now. Not much has changed. I still live at home with my parents because I'm not capable of holding down a job and supporting myself. I have a horrific fear of being alone. On some nights I have to put myself to sleep just so I don't freak out about being alone in my room.
I'm starting back to school in 2 weeks. I'm terrified. I've quit school 3 or 4 times now. I would get overwhelmed by the work and decide I just wasn't going to do it. With school approaching, I'm concerned about making it through the semester. I wonder if I'm capable of handling the stress. And work? I have a major fear of trying to enter the workforce again. My dream job is to sit at home and write all day and not have to interact with people on a regular basis.
My best friend has learned to send me messages telling me she loves me when I haven't heard from her in a day or 2. She knows that I freak out when I don't hear from her. She understands my struggles and loves me anyway. She is a rare jewel. Usually people find out just how crazy and unstable I am and it terrifies them. No one wants that burden. I still analyze every minute detail of every thing. If someone looks at me without a smile on their face, i try to read them to get inside their head. I have trained myself in the art of studying nonverbal cues so that I have a heads up. I watch body language and analyze it to decide whether or not that person even wants to interact with me. I automatically assume people don't like me when I don't hear from them. I constantly do my dead level best to encourage people and exhort them. Sometimes my motive are simply because i want them to like me.
The past few days I've felt a bit depressed. I've tried masking it, but those who know me well know when I'm masking. I have lost interest in people and activities over the past few days. One day I was incredibly excited about ministering to young women and giving the good news of hope and a future. The next I was terrified and overwhelmed of what that would consist of. Yes I want to share the information and teach so no one has to go through what I'm going through. But my own insecurities arise. I begin to question my ability to teach on a subject that I have yet to master. I am unorganized and don't do well with structure and that's what is required for something like this. My own insecurities have surfaced.
Last night I laid awake stressing once I realized that school is only 2 weeks away. I am concerned about having the fuel to get back and forth to school since I'm not working. There are no jobs available that I would be successful in. And any employer would take a look at my track record and list of jobs a mile long and say, "no thanks. you're unreliable."
When I go into this mode of anxiety and depression, I begin to self-medicate. Some turn to drugs. Some turn to food. Everyone has their addictions. Me? It varies. I try to find something that makes me feel better about myself. I start wanting to change things. I suddenly want to dye or cut my hair. My most expensive self-medication is shopping. I don't care what it is, I just have to buy something that will make me feel better. Sometimes it's a book. Sometimes it's makeup. Sometimes it's crayons and a coloring book. Sometimes it's clothes. Sometimes it's leather for my leather crafting. It just depends on what happens to be going on in my head at the moment. i become obsessed with what I want until I get it.
I find myself wanting to become reclusive. Suddenly I'm wanting to shut out people that I feel are adding to my self-esteem issues. I am very sensitive. If someone is 'too busy' for me I consider myself of little value to that person and soon write them off. I have no concept of how anyone could be too busy for their friends. It doesn't make sense to me. When I hear "i'm busy" my mind translates that into, "I don't have time for you, nor do I want to make time for you." I figure if you like someone and want a relationship with them, you find time for them. You don't blow them off to spend time with more important people.
I guess I'm writing this simply to vent. I have to have some kind of outlet and writing seems to be what I love most. I enjoy being able to express myself freely. But I think in addition to venting, I am putting myself on the grounds of equality. I want people to know that I don't have it all figured out. I don't think I'm better than you. In fact my opinion of myself is quite low to be honest. Sure, I know how good I am at the things I'm talented in. But when it comes to me as a person, my view is distorted. I see someone that no one wants to invest any time in. I see someone who cannot be successful in the average world. I see a failure. I write all this so that people understand that my battle is real too. I have not achieved what I'm asking everyone else to achieve. I'm still a work in progress with a LONG way to go. I need my ministry just as much as anyone else does, if not more. I want to rescue young women from becoming what I am. And I'm hoping to pull myself up along the way...
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